ANTM c19 finale: Now Is The Winner of Our Discontent

Previously on this cycle of America’s Next Top Model, thirteen co-eds were chosen to move into the Top Model Sorority House. After an array of challenges and photoshoot, ten burnouts were expelled and now, only three scholars remain. Who will win? Will it be Laura, Leila, or Kiara? Find out right now on the America’s Next Top Model College Edition finale!

Tyra welcomes us to a fashion show that will “embody the beauty of Jamaica.” It will be set in the Rose Hall of Montego Bay; a house haunted by the ghosts of illiterate Top Model fans.

Paranormal ActiviTy(ra)

The only way to put these dyslexic souls to rest is to complete some unfinished business: crowning a winner. The three finalists will walk twice down the runway for Amado Haute Couture.

Backstage, we see that the eliminated girls will be joining the finalists as sacrifices for the ghosts. Serving as the main dish, we also have ANTM c18 winner, Sophie Sumner.

While the girls prepare for this hauntingly beautiful fashion show, Tyra ushers some footage from the finalist’s Nine West advertisement shoot.

West Shoe Story

Johnny introduces the girls to Jez Smith, the same photographer from the Dream Come True advertisements. Joining the two, there was newly-appointed Nine West client, Kelly Cutrone. In totally unrelated news, all former Nine West cliental were found murdered today in their homes with the words“PR MAVEN” graven into their chests.

Laura came with a “lack of confidence” to the shoot. After five minutes of shuffling her awkward feet, Jez and Kelly start arguing (most likely about the permanent retina damage her terrible modeling is causing him).

Johnny Wujek, the Beta Gay, looks on as Jez passionately pleads for a reprieve from Laura. When Kelly denies him a break, Alpha gets angry and threatens to sue Laura for emotional distress.

Nevertheless, Kelly brings Jez back to the photoshoot, much to his discontent. Johnny, however, is thrilled because as far as he’s concerned; angry Australian sex is his favorite.

Down (Pl)under

After those two hump like feisty kangaroos, Leila takes the stage. She failed to “connect” to the product and Kelly was convinced that she was not selling it “head to toe”.

Kiara also had trouble on set. She wasn’t giving “energy” in her eyes and struggled to find a body positioning where she could show off the shoes.

Too overcome with passion for his Aussie, Johnny concludes the shoot and leads the girls away to a shoot for Nylon Magazine. Jimmy Fontaine loves Laura’s “body” in her photos but calls her “commercial”; the kiss of death for this edgy magazine.

While Kiara isn’t the best on set, she is hopeful and reiterates that this experience will be the “best thing to happen to her family”.

Leila, aware of the “imperfect” look the client is going for, tries to show how grungy and “nylon” she is by listing off flaws: she has a crooked mouth, she has a gap in her teeth…

And she has crabs.

After the Nylon shoot, the girls prepare for their “spooky” final Amado Haute Couture show. Backstage, we hear the girls’ reasons for inspiration again: Leila wants to make her family proud, Laura needs to move out of her parent’s shadow, and Kiara is working for her grandmother and siblings.

Then, to raise the camp level of this show tenfold, Tyra creates a story of a ghost who apparently has sex with Rob Evans and, in a fit of jealous rage, murders the three finalists. Now, the only way to pacify her soul is to walk in terrible outfits and look sexy dressed in an Amish nun habit; but also looking scary…

Is Tyra possessed? No mere mortal could come up with such a hauntingly sexual story. Hopefully someone calls a priest because this show sure needs a…

Sexorcism

But if we forget about the interspecies breeding going on here, we see that the girls’ walks aren’t exactly on par. According to the five dollars he paid her, Tyra promotes Justin Bieber by calling Kiara both “somebody to love” and “swagy”…

Even though she had the “toughest” outfit, the judges note Laura’s “confidence” on the catwalk. Leila, on the other hand, lacks any kind of strength in her walk. After her initial fall on the steps, Leila falls off the runway and into the crowd.

On their second go-around, Kiara and Laura prove that they’re “high fashion” and take control of both the audience and their difficult outfits. Leila also redeems herself, gaining a “presence” on the catwalk.

After that mess of a show, the girls proceed to the final judging:

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

For this final tier of the competition, the winner of America’s Next Top Model will be crowned using the average social media score, average challenge score, and the judge’s score of the girl’s overall portfolio.



Laura: Rob calls her runway “awkward” and Kelly agrees, not feeling convinced that she can walk with strength. Tyra thinks she’s more “commercial” and thus, is pleasantly surprised by her Nine West ad. Rob notes the “shoey tooching” and Tyra, feeling the need to make ‘tooch’ a thing, agrees with him.



Kiara: Rob calls her a “pleasure on the runway” and Kelly deems her the “best walker by far”. Tyra loves her “agility” but is less than impressed with her “pea head” in the Nine West ad. She’s “disappointed” and so are the fans.



Leila: Tyra comments that her “head” got the best of her during the show. Kelly would be hesitant of casting her as a runway girl but calls her Nine West ad “the best” of the three. Rob believes that Leila is the lovechild of high fashion and commercial.

“Now the judges and I will deliberate, consider your body of work, and add up our scores, the average social media scores, and the challenge scores, and when you return, I will announce who is America’s Next Top Model.”

“The judges and I have added up your scores and with a total of 35.2, America’s Next Top Model is not…”

LEILA

“So, only two girls remain. With a score of 41.2 to 36.6, the winner of America’s Next Top Model; the girl who will gain $3,000 to her scholarship bank, is…”



And it looks like the closest to ‘menopausal woman’ we have is…LAURA! Kiara awkwardly cries and gets ushered away to wet her weave elsewhere. With lies like “I’m so happy” and “I’m going to represent healthy women” echoing the room, Kelly and Rob look on as Tyra brings in Laura’s hysteric parents.

As she stifles their sobs, Tyra takes Laura’s parent’s signed contracts and with that, exchanges the title of America’s Next Top Model for the rights to their daughter’s womb. So, until Laura conceives offspring or fuels Tyra’s growing lesbian tendencies…


C (Section) You Later

What did you think of this cycle? Are you glad with Laura’s win? Who would have you crowned as the winner of America’s Next Top Model cycle 19? Are you excited about the cycle 20 co-ed edition of ANTM? Leave any and all comments below and until Tyra’s next menstrual cycle….

ANTM c19 episode 11: Teenage Dream

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to pose with dolphins to advertise a swimwear line. After being deemed the best, Leila was gifted $3000 worth of bras from Little Her-maids.In a waterfall shoot shot by Tyra Banks, Leila and Kiara rose with the waves. And even though Laura failed to ebb and flow, it was Kristin whose hopes of top modeling evaporated away. Now, only four girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

With the finale in sight, the final four girls take a moment to amble through Montego Bay; suspenseful music playing in the background. As they each cue up their sob stories, the judges’ voices schizophrenically negatively comment on every girl.

After that scene…the girls return to the house where Leila fawns over her “major comeback”. Now that there are only three girls left to beat, Kiara is ready to do anything to get to the “light at the end of the tunnel.” Whether it be perpetuating a lesbonic fling or murdering her competitors; Kiara is determined to win the title!

The L (S)word

Laura, on the other hand, is prepared to go to the other side. She talks to her mother and cries about how “stressful” this competition is. She’s determined not to “crack” but by the hundredth “stressful” that escapes her mouth, I’m not as sure.

After a round of Laura’s “stressful” drinking game, the inebriated models go to bed to prepare for the next day’s challenge (must be an ad for liver failure!)

Two Piece and a (Sea)biscuit

The girls are met by Rob and Yendi Phillips, the 2012 Miss Jamaica World and Universe. As they walk up to the two, the women notice ponds and stables, which immediately intoxicate small-town girl Laura.

She’s “excited” about this challenge because back home, she grew up on a farm. Kiara, on the other hand, never received her 40 acres and mule. Nevertheless, she’s ready to beat Laura on her “own turf”.

Yendi, in the thickest of accents, tells the girls that they will be shooting an advertisement for the Jamaican Tourist Board. After thirty minutes of writing, the girls will shoot their scripts in the water…on horseback.

Leila, upon the news that this challenge will be animal-friendly, freaks out at the thought of getting killed by a horse (or Kiara. Whoever strikes first...) Despite the editor’s feeble attempt to calm Leila, her fear of horses remains.

Equinophobia: fear of bad Photoshop

During the thirty minutes of prep time, the girls write down their thoughts on Jamaica to appease the client. Laura goes first on horseback, her nostalgia boner guiding her through the first two takes. Yendi calls her “natural” and overconfident Laura feels that she has it “in the bag”.

Even though she originally started off strong, Leila began to struggle when the horse went berserk. Satisfied that her country voodoo is succeeding, Laura looks on as Leila tries to pacify the hexed creature.

After Leila “composes” herself, she’s able to give a nice advertisement. Nastasia, on the other hand, was unable to give “confidence” on her first go-around. After some improvisation, she was able to improve on her performance.

Initially, Kiara was nervous about the horse, afraid that it was “too large for her”. Still, she gets on and delivers some great lines. Midway through her take, the horse goes on another rampage and decides to run into the ocean.

Luckily, Kiara handles it with more aggression than Leila, cursing at the horse to stop. After a barrage of insults, the equine submits itself and lets Kiara finish her commercial. If this modeling thing doesn’t work out, Kiara can always get her own show on the National Geographic channel…

The Horse Whisperer ****er

After all four of the girls finish, Rob and Yendi give their critiques. Despite having first takes that were all shades of awful, two girls stood out for incorporating the “right information” in their advertisements. The girl who won the challenge (and will be featured in an advertisement for the Jamaican Tourist Board) is…

KIARA! Apparently, having a “great f***ing time” is Jamaica’s slogan! Laura thinks that Kiara is being “disrespectful” with her celebrations; because making out with Leila is the epitome of disrespect!

Back at the house, Nastasia and Leila are terrified to discover their low challenge score, a 6. Kiara tries to soothe Leila with promises of a “kick ass shoot”. Before Kiara can make any plans to smother the girls in their sleep, out comes a…

TYRA MAIL! “The end is near. I can almost smell it. Be sure to bring your A game to the next shoot, because dreams really do come true. Love, Tyra.”

I Had a Dream

The next day, the girls are taken to the beach where Johnny introduces them to Jez Smith, a photographer and judge of Australia’s Next Top Model. He will be shooting their official Dream Come True advertisements and with Ben Benett (the creator of the fragrance), will be creating the winner’s actual photograph.

During her shoot, Ben thought that Laura was determined to sell the Come in Dream Come True. Ben, however, thought that her bottle clutching was “too sexy”. Combined with her “stressful” backstage confessions, Laura’s advertisements can really be dedicated to heterosexual alcoholics all across the nation.

Raise Your Glass

When Nastasia started her shoot, Ben was hopeful since she “is everything that a model represents”. However, despite “fitting the background perfectly”, Jez feared that he didn’t catch that “magic shot.” One the other hand, Kiara was “comfortable” and exuded a “subtle happiness” during the shoot. Jez was notably pleased by Kiara the most.

Leila also had a good showing at the shoot. She got into her “happy place” and even though she took a “while to warm up”, when she got there, Leila was able to produce a “good atmosphere” for the photos.

After the four girls wrap up the shoot, they receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only three of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

Everyone is on edge about the impending panel, but most notably is Nastasia. Having been quiet the whole episode, Nastasia exclaims that she put this competition in “God’s hands” and being eliminated means that he doesn’t want her to pursue this career.

Poor, poor Nastasia. Don’t utter God’s name in the presence of an ANTM camera unless you want to be punished for not proclaiming the true deity of this Earth: TYRA BANKS!

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

Side-note: I usually suppress the urge to comment on this man’s existence but, what on Earth is on Bryanboy’s head? Is he trying to (unsuccessfully) seduce Ellen Degeneres? Is he the illegitimate son of Justin Bieber and a mop? I don’t even know…


(N)one Less Lonely Girl

But I digress…



Leila: Kelly calls it a little “ba-bamy” and marks down for being too much of a “sex pot” for the brand. Loving both sex and pot, Rob disagrees, deeming it a “perfect balance” between sensuality and sexuality. Tyra pipes in to comment on the lack of neck and in the end, Leila gets two 8s from the ladies and Rob’s 9.



Kiara: Tyra admires Kiara’s transformation and calls her entire film amazing. Following Tyra’s 8, Rob feels that Kiara is “soft, romantic, and vulnerable” and awards her a 9. Kelly likes the relaxed vibe but doesn’t know if she fits the brand, giving her a 7. The fans adore her image, calling it “from the heart”.



Nastasia: Tyra and Kelly agree that she is the most “commercial” of the four girls and for this shoot, that is the best asset to have. Rob disagrees with the two gals, calling it “weak”. He gives Nastasia a 7 while the two others settle on an 8 and 9.



Laura: Tyra feels that Laura’s image is “too sexy” for the brand and Kelly agrees, comparing it to a “soap opera actress”. Following the womens’ 7s, Rob believes that Laura is “losing her edge” and grants her an 8.

“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Four beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 3 photos in my hands. And these three photos represent the three of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

KIARA (39.0)

LEILA (37.1)

“Will Nastasia and Laura please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the third finalist that will join Kiara and Leila in a fashion show like we have never experienced before. So, who will join the other two girls in this theatrical production for Amado Haute Couture? With a score of 35.8 to 35.5, the third finalist is...”

LAURA

Being so close to the finale, Nastasia is really “upset” about leaving now. Nevertheless, she has high hopes for the future and is thankful for this experience.

Next week, the final three girls will take on a shoot for Nine West Shoes. At a creepy fashion show, the finalists will walk for Amado Haute Couture. After, during the final judging, the winner will be revealed. So until then, get ready to get scared (but enough about a possible Kiara win.)

Halloqueen III: Season of the Bitch

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have gotten eliminated? Are you satisfied with the final 3? Who would've been in your ideal finale? Who do you want to become America's Next Top Model? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and for the final time, until next week...

ANTM c19 episode 10: Wo-manatees

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were taken to Jamaica where they had to dance for the natives. Having the most stankiest of leggs, Kiara and Nastasia won the challenge. Afterwards, the girls took on a shoot in a raft with Rob Evans. While Nastasia and Laura rode the Proud Mary, Kiara had difficulty with the tides. But ultimately, it was Victoria whose hopes and dreams washed away in the current. Now, only five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Coming back from panel, Kiara comments that "the bottom" is a scary place to be. 69% of viewers agree. Laura bitches about Leila and says that it’s “not fair” that she can return to the competition.

Leila however, states that she’s “worked hard” in the Comeback Series and being the bigger person, even offers to clean up the Haterade seeping out of Laura’s skin.

Mary Moppins

During dinner, the girls realize that the competition is getting “down to the wire”. “I’ll do just about anything to win”, Kiara says, recalling a thought in the shower. With that spirit, I’m sure we’ll be seeing her penetrate the competition pretty soon…

A Dolphin’s Tale

The next day, the girls are driven to the beach where Johnny introduces them to Cedella Marley, the daughter of Bob Marley. Without dreads and a cloud of smoke surrounding her, I would have never guessed!

Anyway, she announces her “line of swimwear” (her father’s old blunts taped onto squares of fabric) and challenges the girls to a photoshoot. Inspired by Tyra’s wet dreams gone wrong, the girls will be posing with two dolphins.

Kiara, being a fan of gay sharks, takes great pictures both in and out of the water. Kristin, preferring her queers on land, struggles with the shoot. Looking to protect his fellow homo, Johnny chastises Kristin instead of the dolphins for the lack of energy in her shots.

During Leila’s shoot, the dolphin must have heard about her previous elimination, because it flips out and accidentally smacks her with its tail. Despite the pain in her thigh, Leila continues on and after she pacifies the dolphin, produces a great photo.

Having seen Leila’s stunning performance, Laura starts to get desperate. In a move inspired by Katy Perry, Laura attempts to gain the good graces of Johnny Wujek.

The Ones That Got Away

But Johnny’s Peacock is not impressed. During her shoot, Nastasia looked strong and had the “right connection” to the environment.

At the end, Cedella calls Kiara a “video girl”, Kristin a tourist, and Laura a little too one hit one look. So, the winner of the challenge, who will receive a spa treatment and $3,000 worth of bedazzled conch shells, is…

LEILA! She chooses Kiara to split her ‘jewelry’ and spa treatment with. While Kiara and Leila celebrate over her spoils, Kristin calls them out for being fake. Wrong, Kristin! Their excitement for multi-colored beads is nothing but genuine!

Nevertheless, she and Laura dish about how unauthentic Kiara and Leila actions are. Then almost immediately, in a totally non-hypocritical scene, the two mean girls try to gain brownie points with the male audience.

Every Diss Begins With ‘K’

After the two act out the first scene of Jennifer’s Body for the eager cameramen, the girls get a Tyra Mail:

“Whether you’re a sheek babbling brook or a fierce raging river, remember that when you’re chasing the tide of Top Model, it is easy to fall. Luv, Tyra.”

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

The next day, the girls arrive at a waterfall where Johnny introduces them to their photographer: TYRA BANKS! Tyra’s goal is to create “works of art” and ultimately; wants to hang up one of these images in her “salon”. Read as: wants to lure men into her lair with promises of attractive women on the walls.

All of the girls are anxious; excited at the possibility of leading thousands of males to their imprisonment in Tyra’s basement. Before the shoot, the girls are given idiotic words that they must embody in their photos: Leila has wood (lady beavers’ fav snack), Kristin is fabric (Tim Gunn’s bitch), Nastasia takes on pipes (Mario and Luigi sex dream), Kiara gets metal (Steven Hawking’s junk), and Laura adopts shells(small mermaid bras). 

Nastasia had a good performance. Despite not being able to hear Tyra well on set, she followed direction well and gave lots of interesting shapes. Laura, on the other hand, was really nervous about slipping off of the rocks. Well on the bright side, if overly-tanned Laura falls, everyone can enjoy a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice.

But her nerves weren’t the only thing holding Laura back. The water cascading down on her was overpowering Laura and she couldn’t focus. Considering Tyra’s filthy mind, I wouldn’t be surprised if that fluid isn’t water. Still, Laura should be doing well in this shoot; only few people can say they’ve lived through a song by The Weather Girls:

It’s Raining (Se)men

Kristin also has troubles with the tides. Even though she tried to keep it tight, the fabric she was working with kept falling off #condomproblems. Nevertheless, Tyra was impressed by her dedication and her lack of complaining on set.

Kiara did a great job as a “warrior princess”. Tyra noted her tooching and smizing throughout the whole shoot. Similarly, Leila also got good feedback. When she pointed her toes at the beginning of the shoot, both Tyra and Poseidon foamed at the mouth.

After the shoot, the girls received a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only four of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."



Leila: After the judges let out a collective gasp of “amazing”, Rob notes that she is modeling “head to toe”. Tyra comments that she is “owning every fiber and inch of her being” and Kelly concludes that she has the “best shot of the season”. With that, Leila is awarded straight 10s.



Kristin: Kelly calls it “awkward” and gives it a 7. Rob agrees, noting the lack of tension in the body position, deeming it a 8. While Tyra agrees with these critiques, she grants Kristin a 9 because she realizes the difficulty of the fabric on set.



Nastasia: Kelly notes the elongation and deems it an 8. Between the “power” in her pose and the growth of her social media presence, the other two judges give her 9s.



Laura: Rob loves the “fierce eyes” and awards her a 9. Kelly, however, declares that there is no “justice” for her body and gives her a “schumpy” 7. After a lesson on working her angles, Tyra deems Laura an 8.



Kiara: Rob’s pants get wet over the tooch and Tyra calls it her “best shot to date”. The fans adore her “sensuality and stare” and with that, she receives two 10s and a 9.

“Now the judges and I will deliberate and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

Backstage, Kristin gets pissed at Leila and Kiara for “celebrating” at her possible funeral. She calls them “disrespectful” but Kiara ignores her, content with patting her weave. When Leila tries to defend herself, Kristin spews out, “I hate you so I don’t care.” NO ONE PUTS KRISTIN IN A CORNER (or a binder).

“Five beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 4 photos in my hands. And these four photos represent the four of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

LEILA (46.4)

And the girl who will be displayed in my salon (and who will help me kidnap the future fathers of my children) is…

KIARA (42.2)

NASTASIA (40.3)

“Will Laura and Kristin please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 35.9 to 34.0, that girl is…”

LAURA

Even though she is going home, Kristin is “not upset” about leaving these “fake” bitches. She is going to continue on the industry and use this experience for bigger things.

Next week, the competition dwindles down to three! The girls’ dreams come true during a shoot with Sarah Jessica Parker a horse. But it’s not a day at the races for everyone; Leila gets a little carried away and freaks out at the shoot. So, until next week, our hearts go out to animal-fearing Leila:

Sex and the Pity

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...