Tyra welcomes us to a fashion show that will “embody the beauty of Jamaica.” It will be set in the Rose Hall of Montego Bay; a house haunted by the ghosts of illiterate Top Model fans.
Paranormal ActiviTy(ra)
The only way to put these dyslexic souls to rest is to complete some unfinished business: crowning a winner. The three finalists will walk twice down the runway for Amado Haute Couture.
Backstage, we see that the eliminated girls will be joining the finalists as sacrifices for the ghosts. Serving as the main dish, we also have ANTM c18 winner, Sophie Sumner.
While the girls prepare for this hauntingly beautiful fashion show, Tyra ushers some footage from the finalist’s Nine West advertisement shoot.
West Shoe Story
Johnny introduces the girls to Jez Smith, the same photographer from the Dream Come True advertisements. Joining the two, there was newly-appointed Nine West client, Kelly Cutrone. In totally unrelated news, all former Nine West cliental were found murdered today in their homes with the words“PR MAVEN” graven into their chests.
Laura came with a “lack of confidence” to the shoot. After five minutes of shuffling her awkward feet, Jez and Kelly start arguing (most likely about the permanent retina damage her terrible modeling is causing him).
Johnny Wujek, the Beta Gay, looks on as Jez passionately pleads for a reprieve from Laura. When Kelly denies him a break, Alpha gets angry and threatens to sue Laura for emotional distress.
Nevertheless, Kelly brings Jez back to the photoshoot, much to his discontent. Johnny, however, is thrilled because as far as he’s concerned; angry Australian sex is his favorite.
Down (Pl)under
After those two hump like feisty kangaroos, Leila takes the stage. She failed to “connect” to the product and Kelly was convinced that she was not selling it “head to toe”.
Kiara also had trouble on set. She wasn’t giving “energy” in her eyes and struggled to find a body positioning where she could show off the shoes.
Too overcome with passion for his Aussie, Johnny concludes the shoot and leads the girls away to a shoot for Nylon Magazine. Jimmy Fontaine loves Laura’s “body” in her photos but calls her “commercial”; the kiss of death for this edgy magazine.
While Kiara isn’t the best on set, she is hopeful and reiterates that this experience will be the “best thing to happen to her family”.
Leila, aware of the “imperfect” look the client is going for, tries to show how grungy and “nylon” she is by listing off flaws: she has a crooked mouth, she has a gap in her teeth…
And she has crabs.
After the Nylon shoot, the girls prepare for their “spooky” final Amado Haute Couture show. Backstage, we hear the girls’ reasons for inspiration again: Leila wants to make her family proud, Laura needs to move out of her parent’s shadow, and Kiara is working for her grandmother and siblings.
Then, to raise the camp level of this show tenfold, Tyra creates a story of a ghost who apparently has sex with Rob Evans and, in a fit of jealous rage, murders the three finalists. Now, the only way to pacify her soul is to walk in terrible outfits and look sexy dressed in an Amish nun habit; but also looking scary…
Is Tyra possessed? No mere mortal could come up with such a hauntingly sexual story. Hopefully someone calls a priest because this show sure needs a…
Sexorcism
But if we forget about the interspecies breeding going on here, we see that the girls’ walks aren’t exactly on par. According to the five dollars he paid her, Tyra promotes Justin Bieber by calling Kiara both “somebody to love” and “swagy”…
Even though she had the “toughest” outfit, the judges note Laura’s “confidence” on the catwalk. Leila, on the other hand, lacks any kind of strength in her walk. After her initial fall on the steps, Leila falls off the runway and into the crowd.
On their second go-around, Kiara and Laura prove that they’re “high fashion” and take control of both the audience and their difficult outfits. Leila also redeems herself, gaining a “presence” on the catwalk.
After that mess of a show, the girls proceed to the final judging:
PANEL
"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”
"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
For this final tier of the competition, the winner of America’s Next Top Model will be crowned using the average social media score, average challenge score, and the judge’s score of the girl’s overall portfolio.
Laura: Rob calls her runway “awkward” and Kelly agrees, not feeling convinced that she can walk with strength. Tyra thinks she’s more “commercial” and thus, is pleasantly surprised by her Nine West ad. Rob notes the “shoey tooching” and Tyra, feeling the need to make ‘tooch’ a thing, agrees with him.
Kiara: Rob calls her a “pleasure on the runway” and Kelly deems her the “best walker by far”. Tyra loves her “agility” but is less than impressed with her “pea head” in the Nine West ad. She’s “disappointed” and so are the fans.
Leila: Tyra comments that her “head” got the best of her during the show. Kelly would be hesitant of casting her as a runway girl but calls her Nine West ad “the best” of the three. Rob believes that Leila is the lovechild of high fashion and commercial.
“Now the judges and I will deliberate, consider your body of work, and add up our scores, the average social media scores, and the challenge scores, and when you return, I will announce who is America’s Next Top Model.”
“The judges and I have added up your scores and with a total of 35.2, America’s Next Top Model is not…”
LEILA
“So, only two girls remain. With a score of 41.2 to 36.6, the winner of America’s Next Top Model; the girl who will gain $3,000 to her scholarship bank, is…”
And it looks like the closest to ‘menopausal woman’ we have is…LAURA! Kiara awkwardly cries and gets ushered away to wet her weave elsewhere. With lies like “I’m so happy” and “I’m going to represent healthy women” echoing the room, Kelly and Rob look on as Tyra brings in Laura’s hysteric parents.
As she stifles their sobs, Tyra takes Laura’s parent’s signed contracts and with that, exchanges the title of America’s Next Top Model for the rights to their daughter’s womb. So, until Laura conceives offspring or fuels Tyra’s growing lesbian tendencies…
C (Section) You Later
What did you think of this cycle? Are you glad with Laura’s win? Who would have you crowned as the winner of America’s Next Top Model cycle 19? Are you excited about the cycle 20 co-ed edition of ANTM? Leave any and all comments below and until Tyra’s next menstrual cycle….
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