ANTM cycle 21 episode 4: "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models let everything hang out during a nude runway with silly string. After his win, Keith shared his girthy prize with Kari. At a wet and steamy shoot, Will was swept up. But it was Ivy who drowned on set; becoming the first model to leave. Now, only thirteen remain; who will be eliminated tonight?

Tyra described it as an “expensive film.” Aside from the shirts they got half-off at the Gap, I fail to see anything that reads extravagant here. They’re as washed-up as Tyra’s career. The fact that she compares this to “fine art” is an insult.

Manneken Diss

While Keith and Kari enjoy the Tyra Suite, the other models decide to have some fun. They gather around the hot tub where Romeo is reading his book of paganism. Unimpressed, he leaves them to sit in a circle and chant “big booty.” (this spell has been tested by our overlorde & taylor: Tyra Banks.)

Now that the models have sufficiently worshipped at Sunday (m)Ass, they head over to meet Yu Tsai for their next photoshoot. He introduces the concept of optical illusions, where they will be shot sideways on the ground. 

Since they’re cheap and Tyra is horny, even more staff has been dropped from Top Model. A “new” stylist appears to glance at the males changing backstage. Nice try Tyra! First you scrawl x’s on the guys’ torsos (probably predicting their future careers) and now you’re straight up stripping them for your enjoyment. Tyra, you’re as thirsty as that wig on your head.


Backstage, the models discuss their fears about the shoot. While Tyra lurks in the hunt for a nip slip, Denzel lets out a different type of secret.

Denzel: “I’ve never ridden a bi-"

*Romeo enters*

Denzel: “-cycle.”

*Romeo exits*

Since we’re already disappointed, Adam decides to start his shoot. After he sits on the stoop and does some poses, Yu Tsai disappointedly declares, “you’re so tiny!” If only that was the first time Adam’s heard that complaint…

Romeo walks on set and hits unorthodox poses. “Look at him, he’s such a joke,” Adam says in between chugs. King Lear ignores the crowd and concentrates on making dynamic shapes in front of the camera.

During Will’s photoshoot, Matthew notices how much of a “handsome model” he is. Between his great performance on set and Matthew’s newfound appreciation, it looks like Will is gonna have a gay ol’ time.

Marry Poppins

In comparison, Denzel’s shoot lacks the same energy. After some harsh words from Yu Tsai (“where’s that Golden Globe for American Gangster, Denzel?!”), he storms off set. He talks to Mirjana and cools down with her flirty comfort. He returns and brings a newfound strength to his pictures.

After the shoot, the models are greeted with a Tyra Mail announcing their makeovers. Tyra Banks introduces them and, before they begin, instructs the models to spit in a cup.

Unfortunately, it is not a surprise drug test (you're safe for now, Adam): Tyra just wants to know about their DNA. That way, the next time someone is eliminated, we can simply blame their parents! Good call, Ty!

Anyway, Tyra announces that the real purpose of this test will be revealed in the “most special and artistic way.” Considering Mirjana’s flirting, I would assume it’s a special model-themed episode of Maury.

You Are NOT the Father

In addition to this, she tells the models a list of makeovers they will receive. Since the show can’t fund any recombinant DNA surgery, we’ll have to settle for cosmetic changes. Shei is given a half-and-half white & black look. Tyra may want to eat out most of the guys, but that doesn’t stop her from turning Shei into an Oreo.

Since making Romeo into a blond is too simple, Tyra gave him grey contacts that impede his vision. Since vitiligo and terrible fashion taste aren’t enough, Tyra has decided to create her own disabilities. 

“Chantelle,” Tyra announces, “we want your hair to match your skin.” On a scale of 1 to a Katy Perry music video, how offensive is this?

But the most heinous has to be Denzel’s transformation. “Lace front weave...on your face!” Tyra spews with pride. Denzel may seem happy about this “expensive” makeover, but I’m sure the only Bank he wants to break is Tyra…

Nevertheless, he smiles and takes the new look in stride. He must really want to impress Tyra, because I would never let that assortment of pubic hairs near my face. 

Not By The Hairpiece on My Chiny Chin Chin

Kari is also unhappy with her makeover. Even though Tyra tries to convince her that blonde hair and eyebrows make her “edgy”, Kari insists she looks alienesque. 

“I look so cheap,” Kari bawls. “People are going to think I’m a stripper.” I disagree, I think that Kari looks amazing; but then again, I’m not really familiar with stripper trends.

Back in the house, the models adjust to their looks. Romeo and Kari begin their fun-filled lives as blondes while Denzel repeatedly strokes the beaver on his face.

Matthew is convinced that Will’s makeover has made him even more attractive. Not limited by any notions of sexuality, Matthew gives Will a kiss.“1 Down, 5 to Go!” a voice cries in the distance.

Since he sees “Abercrombie” and “20 lb.” in his daily life, Keith demands that Matthew put a label on himself. Even after he defends his position, Keith stands by his assertion that Matthew is gay. “If you do it once, there’s no coming back.” I’m pretty sure that’s not the rule, Keith.

.Tyra was on the cover of Fishing Quarterly once. Is she a model?
.Romeo has seen Wicked before. Has he become a grand witch?
.Adam talked to a girl without vomiting once. Does that make him any less of a virgin?

With the question of his sexuality answered, Matthew meets the other models in the living room, where they get a Tyra Mail about the impending elimination.


PANEL


Matthew: Kelly Cutrone is reminded of the “circus” and Miss Jay likes the energy. He gets two 8s and a 7.


Shei: Tyra thinks Shei is too “posey” and not caught in a moment. She gets two 7s and a 6.


Will: Tyra thinks he has a “good personality” but Kelly hates the candidness of the pose. She gives him a 7 while the others award him 9s.


Denzel: Miss Jay feels that the attitude is missing, and gives him a 7 with Tyra. Kelly hands him an 8.


Mirjana: Tyra is distracted by the “lazy eye”, and Miss Jay doesn't like the pose. She gets a 7 and two 8s from the ladies.


Ben: Kelly likes the “something extra” this photograph provides. She gives him an 8 while the others praise him with 9s.


Chantelle: The judges agree that she is “too stiff”. She gets a 6 and two 7s.


Raelia: Miss Jay is unimpressed with her “good proportions” and gives her a 7. The ladies elongate their praise with 9s.


Adam: Kelly thinks he looks like a “construction worker” and bombs him with a 6. He also gets a 7 and 8.


Lenox: She has a “believable” pose and gets a 10 from Tyra. The other judges hand her some 8s.


Keith: Even though he’s coasting (getting a 7 and 8), the intensity is why Tyra gives him a 9.


Romeo: He has “no energy” in his photo but gets two 8s and a 7.


Kari: She has a pose full of “confusion” and has no neck. She gets two 7s and a 6.


“Now the judges and I will add up these scores to see who will still be in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

“The model with best picture is…”


BEN (33.7)
LENOX (33.6)
WILL (31.6)
RAELIA (30.9)
KEITH (30.8)
MATTHEW (30.3)
MIRJANA (29.4)
ROMEO (28.8)
DENZEL (28.2)
SHEI (27.3)
ADAM (26.8)


"Kari and Chantelle, by a vote of 26.4 to 26.3, the girl who is still in the running is..."


KARI

Next week, the models will walk on stilts during a fashion show. Then, they will take a bite out of vampire fashion. Until then, I'll leave you with this cast photo of...

The Sims 21

ANTM c19 episode 4: The Taste of Flesh

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls received makeovers, which Maria and Victoria promptly reject. With their newly watered weaves and prodded scalps, the girls took on a naked shoot with Tyra’s boy toy, Rob Evans. While Victoria and Brittany thrived sans clothes, Yvonne found herself in the bottom(Rob prefers the top). But sadly, it was Darian who was rejected from the nudist colony. Now, only 10 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Let’s just pause and discuss this opening. I was hoping that after Maria quit, we would be cleansed of this godforsaken epileptic nightmare. But since it’s here for the long haul, we might as well talk about the trashiness. First of all, it’s cheap. Like ‘a prostitute from Reno’ cheap.

Second, it’s terribly edited. I get a chill every time I see it, most likely from the ghosts of the hookers that wore those secondhand outfits passing though me. But worst of all, Tyra Janks. Why is half of the opening dedicated to her burning lions? We get it. You’re a pre-menopausal woman; stop molesting your employees (leave that for your Harvard professors.) 

Plus, what the hell does it say on her shirt: you be the jugs? Is this an open invitation to lay upon a supermodel’s chest and violently rub up against Rob Evans?

Breast of Both Worlds

Well anyway, whenever she’s not smothering Rob under the weight of her colossal bosom, Tyra is awarding keys to the Suite. Because she received best picture last week, Victoria gets the honor of living in her room of isolation. Allyssa thinks she needs to “cut the umbilical cord” and Kiara doesn’t like her “presidential” attitude. But Victoria is left unfazed by the opinions of peasants.

On the other side of the house, Yvonne is very “grateful” for her fans’ dedication to her. Kristin also appreciates her social media scores, thinking that the judges “aren’t being fair” with her. Kiara thinks that the pressure is getting to Kristin and soon, she’ll “crack”.

After Kristin goes into Destiny’s purse without permission, she gets screamed at. However, Kristin does not have a necessary amount of fucks to give. So instead, she takes the aggressive route in an attempt to get punched. Thus, in the same vein as a certain pop star, she begs to get “hit”, sending small pellets of chewed-up cud onto the faces of onlookers.

Spit Me Baby One More Time

But Destiny doesn’t fall for the goading. She expresses that she’s “sensitive” and wants to promote peace in the house.

Madea Goes To Yale

The girls are met by Tyra in the streets of California. She reminds them that models are “storytellers” and introduces them to their first acting challenge. She has gotten the “best” to come work with them today and tells Tyler Perry to “come out”.

At first, I thought that he was an All-American heterosexual, but then he appeared. With that sassy hat and his cross-dressing tendencies, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ‘enjoys the company of men’.

The Family That Gays

But still. He directs them to four characters that they will have to portray: Tourist, Street Performer, Rapper, andHollywood Diva (Himself). The winner of this challenge will win $10,000 for her scholarship fund in addition to a walk-on role in one of his productions.

Some girls, like Destiny and Leila, proved to be “too tense” to be actresses. Victoria, on the other hand, got the crowd rowdy. Her role as a British diva startled the audience and they refused to participate with her. In a sudden devotion to vegetarianism, one of the onlookers threw fried chicken at her but nevertheless, she recovered.

Kiara thinks that she could be in a “Tyler Perry production” and Kristin raps her way to success. Laura impressed with her free spirited street performance and Yvonne…well, she looked like Lil Kim (well, Lil Kim after she ate Nicki Minaj). Still, she committed throughout the whole scene and even her “Will Rap for Food” (not surprised) was on point.

In the end, the winner is…KIARA!

Back in the house, Yvonne gets on the telephone to get “words of encouragement” from her boyfriend, Brandon. She tries to “stand out” doesn’t want to be “famous” for her butt, unlike other people…

Kim Kardassian

After a quick (de)briefing with her man, Yvonne is ready for the next photoshoot.

The Catwalking Dead

The girls arrive at the War of the Worlds set where Johnny is accompanied by Bryanboy. The juxtaposition only enhances Johnny’s cuteness (even though anyone would look better in comparison to a severely bruised platypus). But anyway, Johnny tells them that they will be posing as “apothalypthic thombies”. His terrible diction just makes me want to…

Jump His Bones

Before the shoot, Victoria was nervous about the prosthetics but worked them in the photo. Johnny was worried that she needs “diversity”. Nastasia had good styling but needs to learn to “elongate” in photos.

Laura was a “champ” and went “full force” into the shoot. Allyssa was “hungry for flesh” and Johnny was upset that she wouldn’t “spice it up”. He kept telling her to “eat him” but she looked like she’d “sleep with him” instead. #I’ddoboth

Yvonne, on the other hand, was just plain hungry. Johnny liked the face but didn’t think she was “working her body” enough. Kiara struggled at first but got a good shot by the end.

Destiny tried to bring it but by the end, just looked “dead”. Kristin had difficulty “delivering” and wouldn’t “follow direction”. Brittany, on the other hand, effortlessly “worked her bad side”.

After the shoot, the girls receive a SKULL MAIL! “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

Leila: Tyra thought that she had “stunning eyes” and, with Rob, gave her a 9. Kelly and the fans agree, it’s a 7.



Kiara: Rob thought it was “uninteresting” and the triad of judges gave her a 6.

Brittany: Tyra (who gave her a 9 with Kelly) thought she was a “psycho housewive” but didn’t like that there were no “open sores on her face”. Rob, who unlike Tyra, prefers his models herpes-free, gave her an 8.

Victoria: Kelly thought it was “too angelic” and the trio gifted her 6’s.



Destiny: Rob thought that she “didn’t work it” but gave her a 6. The two women were unimpressed by her pose, deeming it a 5.

Laura: Tyra believes that it’s “stunning” but is a “no neck monster”. Nevertheless, Laura receives a threesome of 9’s.

Kristin: Kelly thinks that she doesn’t “take risks” and gives her a 4. While Rob agrees with her, him and Tyra are a little nicer with their 6 and 7.

Allyssa: The judges are in a consensus: she’s “too pretty”. She receives two 7’s and an 8 from Tyra.

Nastasia: Kelly and Rob are unimpressed with her “alluded shortness” and give her a 6 and 7. Tyra, however, thinks it’s “subtle but strong” and graces her with a 9.

Yvonne: Kelly thinks that she’s a “World War I stripper” and along with Rob, grants her a 6. Tyra is less than impressed with the “awkwardness” and gives her a 5.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”

"Ten beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have nine photos in my hands. And these nine photos represent the ten girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and picture is..."

LAURA (42.5)

LEILA (37.3)
BRITTANY (37.3)
ALLYSSA (35.3)
KIARA (32.7)
NASTASIA (32.4)
VICTORIA (31.2)
KRISTIN (30.9)

“Will Yvonne and Destiny please step forward? With a score of 29.5 to 27, the girl still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model is…”

YVONNE

Destiny is still hopeful that she can return with the Comeback Series.

Next week , the girls will meet Alicia Keys. After a fashion show, Laura cries and Yvonne displays her blurry vagina during a cheerleading shoot. Don’t miss it!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week…

Give Me A V!

BINTM c8 episode 4: Time & Punishment

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls took to the catwalk with some feathered friends. While Risikat proved her power over poultry, Emma S lost control of her rambunctious chicken. How cockward. During the butterflies photoshoot, Anne and Lisa rose to new heights. In the judging room, Tasmin failed to emerge from her cocoon. However, it was Emma S whose metamorphosis was cut short. Now, only 12 girls remain. Who will be Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

The girls return to the house to see that it’s been covered in police tape. Anita immediately thinks that the house has been infiltrated by male strippers dressed up as cops. Guess the lesbian lifestyle isn’t for everyone…

Alas, Anita’s loins were disappointed. On the wall, there was an array of mugshots that showed all of the imperfections in these girls’ hair. 

It looks really similar to the set of CSI, except that the killers and detectives were replaced by mismatched weaves and shady home perms.

John Tucker Must Dye

The attached E-Mail reads: “Tomorrow your fashion fate will be decided. Love, Elle.”

Makeunders

The judges sit down to discuss the “transformations” that are about to take place. They trade around some lies like “this will enhance their careers” and “we’re going to help them”. 

Elle greets the girls and tries to impress them by saying that the salon’s stylists have worked on stars like Kylie Minogue and Kira Knightly. Not that they want to be credited for this:

But still. The judges then each take three girls under their wing: 

The girls in the unfortunate custody of Julian are Roxanne, Madeleine, and Anne. Whitney inherits Letitia, Tasmin, and Lisa and Elle decides on Penelope, Jennifer, and Kellie. Finally, Tyson is given the shaft with Anita, Emma G, and Risikat.

While Letitia is given a “soft, honey dew” color, Lisa is told that her locks are being cut. Tyson also goes the ‘short’ route, determined to make a Halle Berry clone out of Risikat. 

Elle tells Jennifer that her inspiration is “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”. In other words, she will be publically branded with the words, “ELLE’S BITCH” carved into her back.

As all of the girls are crying, and all of their ponytails take their last breaths, Gotye’s latest single becomes an anthem for this hair genocide. 

Somebody That I Used To Blow(dry)

But Julian promises the waterworks are just beginning. He insures Roxanne that her makeover will be the “most dramatic” one. Then, he returns with a bowl of “jaffa orange”. Yes, orange. And not just regular orange. Snooki Orange. Roxanne is positive that it will look “ridiculous” and judging by the ginger afro that’s a-brewing, I don’t blame her.

On the other side of the salon, Risikat is still upset about getting her hair chopped. She still feels ugly, even though Tyson continues saying, "Halle Berry. Halle Berry!" (The exact words that will go into Halle Berry's restraining order.)

Jennifer is also unpleased with her hair. She doesn’t like the color or the length, even after Elle tries to soothe her. But Penelope is not as easily persuaded. She believes the thin tracks make her look “cheap”. No Penelope. The thin tracks don’t make you look cheap. It’s the cheap tracks that make you look cheap.

After the mass hysteria is over, these girls start to appreciate their short pixie cuts. In fact, if they ever want to quit modeling, they now have an alternate profession to fall back on: forming a boy band.

Girls II Men

Sadly, we’re then thrown back to the reality of Roxanne. Seriously, her hair is terrible. After Julian finishes applying the fifth layer of jaffa, he starts to plump it up and creates a giant puff of orange. In the end, it looks like the Biblical “Burning Bush”, if the burning bush was made up of singed weave tracks. 

There can only be four possible reasons for Roxanne’s truly monstrous makeover:

1. Julian heard that To Catch a Predator was re-casting.
2. He needed to crown a new heir to the McDonald fortune.
3. Jaffa Cakes sponsor Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model and demanded a homage.
4. Julian McDonald lubricates himself with the bitter tears of the models he scalps and plans to use Roxanne to replenish his stash.

Lube for the Goob

After all of the hair is swept away and the tears are collected (someone’s getting lucky tonight), the girls go home and receive an:

E-MAIL! “I’m sure today will put a smile on your face. Get your skates on and have a great day. Love, Elle.”

The Ugly Tooth

In a rare break from the competition, the girls go to a dental cosmetology office to get their teeth cleaned. True to all English stereotypes, their pearly yellows are scrubbed down until the latent white emerges. We all know the drill. But Letitia felt the pain of beauty and stopped half-way through.

Afterwards, the girls are whisked away to a roller disco. While Letitia struts to the groovy sounds, Penelope and Risikat talk about her less-than-psychedelic attitude. 

But after they receive an E-Mail warning them about the next photoshoot, the girls let loose and enjoy the disco ball.

Saturday Night Fever

Clocked Up

The girls are greeted by Molly King at the Top Model Prison. She is accompanied by Sarah Salter from Baby G Watches. 

Risikat was “fantastic” and looked like Rhianna. Molly said that she “wanted” her body. Tyson will not be pleased…

Before the shoot, Kellie starts to break down. She goes to the stairwell and starts crying like a Chicagoreject. She thinks that this competition is very “tough” but she is not willing to “give up”.

So, she gets up and continues the shoot. She gives “striking” poses and really connects to her surroundings.

Cell Block Tango

While Lisa gave a “grungy and fierce” performance, Anita was “nervous”. But after she let go of her pre-shoot jitters, Anita gave a new meaning to the term “jail bait”.

After Letitia, Penelope, and Anne all did a stellar job, Tasmin failed to impress her cellmate.

Even though she liked Madeleine’s hair, Sarah Salter thinks that she started going “downhill.” Sensing that bad things would probably happen (she saw Roxanne’s hair!), she left to “catch a flight.”

Jennifer did a good job sans client, striking “expressive” poses. With a very exposing outfit, Emma G showed off her great ass…ets. 

Like mostly every person who has a functioning sense of style, Molly is intrigued by Roxanne’s makeover. She is tempted to touch it, much like relatives wanting to poke and prod a newborn baby.

Just Like Her Mother

Nevertheless, she looked “cool” and had the right amount of “attitude”. 

E-MAIL! “Are you transforming into top models? Only 11 of you will continue on in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

Joining us as a guest judge, we have pop star and dancer, Kimberly Wyatt. 

By the way, is it just me or does it seem like the door these girls enter from looks like a sharp, diamond-incrusted vagina? 

How Stars Are Born

But I digress.



Madeleine: Kimberly thinks that she is “beautiful” and Tyson is proud of her “attitude”.



Letitia: Whitney thinks that she is “sexy” but Julian is “bored” with her. Tyson and Elle disagree, confused about how “beauty is ever boring”.



Kellie: Elle chastises her for crying on set but the judges feel that she can “better herself” and “grow” from her experiences.



Emma: The judges love her photo but Julian is worried that her look is too similar to Letitia’s.



Tasmin: Kimberly thinks that she has “potential” but the judges aren’t sure.



Roxanne: Julian is proud of his ‘hairy’ antics and Elle thinks she shoots “like a dream”.



Anne: Julian thinks that she is “quirky” and what the fashion industry “needs”.



Risikat: Elle thinks she has “transformed” and Julian believes that she is “contemporary”.



Jennifer: The judges are proud of her new look because it fits with her “persona”. Tyson wants her to project that personality onto her photos.



Penelope: Kimberly thinks that she’s “effortless” but doesn’t have the “confidence” to win this competition. Julian is worried that she won’t be able to save herself.



Lisa: Tyson gives a spiel about being a “bad boy” and spending a night in jail (for tax invasion. What a rebel!).Anyway, he calls her a “scary cellmate”.

Anita: Whitney is worried about the squinting but Julian doesn’t care because she’s “hawt.” Kimberly sees potential even though she looks like Penelope Cruz.

“Now we will be deciding who will stay and will be leaving this competition.”

The judges like Madeleine’s makeover but aren’t won over in person. Kimberly thinks that Letitia is a “threat”. Julian is not convinced that Kellie can do fashion. Tasmin is not impressing Elle but Tyson thinks this is her best photo yet. 

The judges are all fawning over Roxanne but Whitney, as the voice of reason, tells Julian the makeover is shit. FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO!

Anne has a “peculiar” face that makes her stand out. Julian basically ejaculates over Risikat but the others disagree. Elle has faith in Jennifer. Tyson doesn’t think Penelope is a model. But everyone knows, Lisa & Emma G are supermodels. So, who goes home?

“I have 12 beautiful girls before me, but only 11 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

ROXANNE

EMMA
LETITIA
LISA
RISIKAT
ANNE
ANITA
MADELEINE
KELLIE
JENNIFER

“Will Tasmin and Penelope please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

TASMIN

Then, Penelope basically runs out to go get those Pretty Woman extensions taken out. 

Next week, the girls walk for schoolchildren…ok. Then, they go strictly dickly for an androgyny shoot. HOT.

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!