ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 7: "Life's A Beach"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models simply made advertisements for Simply Be. After winning the challenge, Nyle also took home best picture during a possession-themed photoshoot. Even though Courtney’s potential was up in the air, Ava couldn’t bare to be Linda Blair. Ultimately, the Christian girl became Tyra’s prey. Now, only ten models remain, who will be eliminated tonight?

As the models walk in, everyone congratulates Nyle for getting best picture. Even though he appreciates the sentiment, Nyle is concerned that he’s “not connecting” with the other models. He thinks about ways to reduce his solitude while taking a bubble bath.

What a great idea Nyle! That’s the “love tub” from last episode; so if he wants the company of (a horny) Mamé, Ashley, Justin, and Mikey: just stay there till nightfall.

Unfortunately, Nyle decides to go back to the Tyra Suite instead. He is greeted with a video of Tyra clumsily attempting sign language. I know ‘getting handsy’ takes on a new meaning with deaf people, but this is a little ridiculous…

Nevertheless, Tyra celebrates his challenge win and then motions toward her breasts a couple of times. The subtitles say “remember to be sexy in pictures, Nyle’’ but I think some of the nuance was lost in translation.

Elsewhere, Mamé is growing concerned about her relationship with Justin. Even though they like each other, Mamé feels that Justin is “drifting away” from her. He confesses that he wants to “focus on the competition,” but I think Mamé is the better investment. Justin’s relationship would last at least three months; much longer than any modelling career this show has to offer…

Decisions, decisions…

After Justin sleeps on it, the models are given a new challenge. They meet with a producer from The CW and her group of advisors. Each model will be paired up and be asked to perform a “Shakespearean love scene” for the entourage. 

Kelly promises the winner a walk-on role on a ‘scripted’ CW show. I’d like to say that all reality television is scripted, but I can’t honestly proclaim that someone was paid to write stuff like ‘this photo needs a good no-neck monster.” No, salaried writers are reserved for finer content:

In addition to the role of smizing pedestrian, the winner of this challenge will also gain a perfect score, a huge advantage for this week.

Lacey is especially excited for this challenge. She admits that it’s been her childhood hope to star on a sitcom. Being on a television network with a 20% retention rate: one can only dream!

Fortunately, the CW has such a diverse pool of programing that whoever wins will find their perfect match. Only few channels can provide such quality shows that mysteriously get cancelled after their first season…

Mame - Privileged

Devin -H8R

Ashley - Gossip Girl

Hadassah - 8 Simple Rules (for Living with Me)

Bello - 90210

Justin - Valentine

Mikey -18 to Life

Nyle -The Originals

Lacey -Jane the Virgin

Courtney - Farmer Wants A Wife

With his dream job on the line, Devin worries about being funny. Devin, didn’t you hear that Denzel won a role in a Tyler Perry program last season? There’s no reason to be comedic!

Still, Devin attempts to fill up his performance with campy flair. “If I get someone laughing, I’ve done my job,” Devin declares. With that attitude, he’ll never be a writer for The CW…

Bello and Mikey also mess up their delivery of the scene. In fact, only Lacey and Nyle seem to be able to make any sense of the acting challenge.

So...with only two choices, the CW decides to give the win to Lacey! She jumps up and down in celebration. Feigning excitement over a twelve second cameo in The Flash? Lacey did deserve to win this acting challenge.

Back in the house, Devin is saddened over the fact that he got a low challenge score.

How poetic that Devin got a 6. It’s the same number of agencies he’s signed to. That’s also the age he was during his last modelling campaign; so the number holds meaning for him.

In celebration of his best picture last week, Nyle gets to have a “sign and dine” with a friend from back home. Brittany, his high school sweetheart, comes bye to destroy Kelly Cutrone’s dreams.

Wanting to feel connected to all of the other models, Nyle invites them all to a silent dinner. He and Brittany take turns teaching the models how to sign. Even though they shake their hands like they’re at a Prince concert, Nyle appreciates the effort.

After dinner, the models are whisked away for a commercial shoot at the beach. Yu Tsai introduces their product: Boom Boom Boom Deodorant.

I don’t know if Tyra has lost all credibility or if someone is just a huge fan of Katy Perry’s Firework, but I don’t think Boom Boom Boom is an actual brand.

Nevertheless, the models are paired up for this sexy scene. Mikey and Mamé are once again forced to come together and passionately kiss on set.

Oh, you two. Go get a room (preferably Nyle’s. He gets so lonely…)

Bello and Courtney have a bit of a harder time getting it on. She doesn’t have the confidence to see herself as a sexy being and thus, fails at the shoot. Likewise, Ashley and Nyle find it awkward to look seductive on film.

Lacey tries hard not to let Devin drag her down. She focuses all of her energies on performing her own pictures, and with good reason. He oversexualizes his poses and end up looking more bothered than hot.

Hadassah and Justin waste no time getting their shots. Mamé is a little jealous but she knows that this is just another side of modelling. Hadassah feels strange and worries this might start their feud back up. Getting felt up by Justin: yet another thing that Mamé and Hadassah have in common!

After they clean up all the sand in their pants, the models prepare for the impending elimination.

Panel


Mikey & Mame have a great chemistry. Miss Jay thinks that Mame relies on being pretty, but the women disagree. Tyra loves that she’s ‘inhaling’ and showcasing her profile. Mikey, on the other hand, is visibly struggling with the cold.


The judges agree that Justin is the star of this commercial. Hadassah is treated more like his ‘accessory’ than another model.


Just like Justin before him, Bello is the more dominant model in this commercial. Kelly admits that Courtney gave great visual moments when she wasn’t delivering lines.


Devin is ‘too campy’ for Tyra: she exclaims as she begins an exaggerated retelling of Devin’s commercial. Miss Jay is happy that Lacey listened to the advice from the challenge and continued to act well.


The judges are all in unision about Nyle & Ashley's commercial. It seems to have a lack of passion and Kelly blames it on the real-life affairs in the house.
Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

LACEY (37.1)

MAME (35)

NYLE (34.7)

BELLO (33.7)

MIKEY (33.1)

JUSTIN (31.3)

HADASSAH (30.1)

COURTNEY (29.5)

“And with a score of 28.4 to 27.2, the model that stays in the competition is…”

DEVIN

Ashley is happy to have experienced the trials and tribulations of the modelling world. She hopes to use this platform as a starting point and use her story to inspire more victims of sexual abuse to speak out.

Next week, the models take on a PSA for troubled youth. Then, they’ll pose as childhood dolls. Get ready to live a teenage dream next week, there’ll be skin tight jeans.

ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 6: "The Blair Bitch Project"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models got in touch with current fashion trends. After learning about the art of retouching, they did a untouched sports shoots. While Lacey scored a touchdown, Hadassah and Dustin fumbled. But unfortunately, it was the blonde who had to bow out; now only 11 models remain. Whowill be eliminated tonight?

After coming back from panel, Ava admits to the others that she isn’t used to this amount of drama. “I’m homeschooled,” she explains. “This is all new to me.”

And with that statement, I finally understand why she’s always looking so bewildered. She’s experiencing the outside world for the first time! That must be why she gets along with Courtney so well; they’re both slowly learning about the cruel cruel streets.

Ava Worries About Gas Prices
Courtney Panics With Gun Laws
The Girls Fear Big Business

But Bello is less than impressed with Courtney’s antics. He notices that she likes to listen in on conversations and then spread their words around. “There’s something fishy about Courtney,” Bello declares. “I can smell it.” Gosh Bello, you know she’s a shut-in! She probably hasn’t been exposed to Summer’s Eve yet…

On the other side of the house, there is a lot less to sniff out. Mamé and Justin are in the shower together. Mamé claims that they’re in there “preserving water”: and as Californians, I do appreciate their efforts. No wonder Mamé placed Top 5 in the Miss USA pageant, she knows all the right things to say. If only she were raising taxes and deporting immigrants in that bathtub; Mamé could’ve won Trump’s entire contest!

After their humanitarian efforts, Justin talks to DMA. They’re conversing when, get this, Mikey makes the most oblivious comment I’ve ever heard. “Justin, I know for a fact that Mamé likes you a lot.” 

What gave you that idea, Mikey? Was the hickey from last week just a (literal) red herring? Did you miss the part where they were in the shower planning the next season of The Apprentice? Were you too busy trying to please Ashley that you missed Justin and Mamé actually succeeding?

Nevertheless, after they’ve all got cleaned up, the models are taken to a studio. Kelly Cutrone introduces them to their guest; Whitney Lee Thompson, the winner of cycle 10! Whitney was our first plus-size fiercely real winner and she is now a covergirl for Simply Be. She might be fiercely real, but her attitude sure isn’t. Seven years later and she still has that feigned excitement on her face. Whitney’s smile is as forced as the show’s mentions of the Oppo phone.

As the spokesperson for the brand, Whitney will be posing with each of the models for a Simply Be campaign. They will be put into pairs and must come up with a tagline for their advertisement. I understand that it’s a little tough for these models to think and pose, so I took the liberty of creating some catchphrases for each group:

Ashley, Mikey & Devin - Simply Be the Third Wheel
Hadassah & Mame - Simply Be *the* Pageant Girl
Ava & Courtney- Simply Be Amazed by Indoor Plumbing

Mikey is excited to work with the cycle 10 winner. Whitney’s campy and Mikey’s pitching a tent: they’re a perfect match! 

Fortunately, Mamé have the same chemistry with Mikey. After suggesting Simply Be Seductive, she tells Mikey to grab some duct tape and use it to wrap her up. I think it’s sexiest when used to cover Mikey’s mouth, but to each her own…

When Nyle and Justin get on set, they set out to Simply Be Heard. After some cutesy shots, the boys decide to amp up the sex appeal and take off their shirts. 

I don’t know if they’re simply being heard, but if they keep letting their bodies talk: I’m simply listening. 

When it’s finally their time to get behind the camera, Mamé and Mikey are a little uninspiring. Kelly Cutrone challenges them to begin making out and get some passion from there. They awkwardly glare at each other when Kelly specifies, “my idea of making out is kissing.” It’s really divorcing and taking half of the money, but for her purposes, Kelly defines ‘making out’ as kissing. 

At first, Mamé and Mikey are a little apprehensive to lock lips with their significant others watching. But then Mamé diplomatically argues that it’s all to achieve the perfect photograph. If Ashley and Justin are into it, this can always become a Simply Be A Swinger campaign.

After the groups finish, Whitney calls them over for a winner. Even though there were a lot of good photos, Whitney choose Nyle for “going the extra mile” and taking off his shirt. Hmmmm...being hated by many? Desperately trying to stay relevant in 2015? Picking a challenge winner because he took off his clothes? Is Whitney actually Perez Hilton in disguise?

Nevertheless, all of the models are elated for Nyle. Lacey is happy to see her friend get praised and vows to win the Tyra Suite again to hang out more. While some of the models go to sleep, Mamé and Justin decide to start spring cleaning and polish up the house. He was probably misunderstood when Mamé said “french maid,” but nevertheless, Justin is excited.

While dusting, Mamé starts to throw shade at Hadassah, Ava, and Bello for resting. “They never clean up. Why do you want to live in filth?” says the girl living in sin. After her exhausting work, Mamé decides to go use the bathroom. Unfortunately, Hadassah is already showering and asks Mamé to leave. Activist Mamé, concerned with the amount of water Hadassah’s consuming, stands her ground.

Hadassah warns Mamé that her behavior is not appropriate for a Miss USA (third runner-up). Mamé, frustrated beyond belief at her comment, screams out: “I’m the pageant girl!” Hadassah retorts with an equally intense “I’m the pageant girl!” It’s like two parrots squawking at each other. 

Luckily, Ava has the Balls to go in and end the pageant war. She signals the girls to prepare for the next photoshoot.

After they arrive to the location, Yu Tsai welcomes them to their “fashion exorcism” shoot. They will be clothed in white, suspended in the air with a harness, and given blue eye contacts. I don’t know what’s scarier: the exorcism shoot or Erik Asla’s photography.

On a whole, the models have trouble staying in the air. But none have as much of a struggle as Bello.

I hate to make Bello the butt of a joke, but this is too good of a moment to pass up. I’m not very knowledgeable in exorcism techniques, but I’m pretty sure that’s where the other demons come out of, Bello. Unless he’s giving commentary on how models are treated like baboons, I’m sure this is just a high fashion picture of Bello’s ass. I’m a fanny!

Hadassah tries to invoke fear in her face and, after listening to Yu Tsai’s advice, comes out with a good photo. Likewise, Nyle and Lacey both are able to contort their bodies into looking like something from a slasher film.

Sadly for Courtney, her show was more rocky than horror. Yu Tsai implies that she has the face of a supermodel but the “body of a cockroach.” According to Courtney, that’s dinner so she can't comprehend how to change. Similarly, Ashley can’t manage to emote correctly. Erik encourages her to scream and “fake it till she makes it”. A photoshoot is not the appropriate time for sex advice, Erik Asla!

After all the models finish, they are greeted to a Skull Mail. Before resting, the models decide to call a house meeting. Justin is determined to squash the drama between Hadassah and Mamé:

I have to agree with Justin here. Mamé and Hadassah are more similar than they want to believe. They’re both pageant girls, they’re both strong black women working in the modelling industry, they’re both capable of great pictures, and they’ve both been on the bottom multiple times.

Still, Hadassah and Mamé put their differences aside for now and agree to disagree.

Panel


Tyra likes that Justin modelled with the set but Miss Jay fears that he has the same expression of his face every week. Lacey, on the other hand, is able to adapt and Kelly applauds the “fluidity” of her movements.

When criticizing her photo, Kelly admits that Courtney scares her. Unfortunately, Tyra feels that it’s too horror and loses its modelling potential. With Hadassah, the judges are finally happy that she can take a good photo. Miss Jay believes that her profile is her best angle and warns her to continue using her assets.


Speaking of assets, there’s Bello’s picture. Tyra says that when looking through his frames, this was the one she felt was “dynamic.” I know she’s a ass woman, but damn.

Both Nyle and Mame are told that their poses are natural and strong. Ashley, on the other hand, has a great body but didn’t commit to the emotion in her face.



Tyra commends Devin’s upper torso, but Kelly wishes he was a bit more limp. Kelly is disappointed with Ava and the lack of involvement with the set. Likewise, Mikey can’t seem to let go during the shoot and ends up photographing with these shrinking poses that diminish his height.

Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

NYLE (39.7)

LACEY (35)

MAME (34.5)

HADASSAH (33.4)

JUSTIN (32.9)

DEVIN (32.7)

ASHLEY (32.2)

MIKEY (32.1)

BELLO (31.6)

“With a score of 31.4 to 29.6, the model that says in the competition is…”

COURTNEY

And just like that, Ava is eliminated. I don’t know what’s stranger: the fact that she was eliminated for having a “model mullet,” or that after crying over her loss, Ava felt like literal white trash.Still, it does suck to see a frontrunner get cut down so soon. 


Next week, the models will get sexy for a seductive photoshoot. Until then!

ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 5: "Lovin', Retouchin', Squeezin'"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, love was a battlefield. After posing with war veterans, the models received makeovers. While Ava got the highest honors, it was Stefano who suffered some Purple Heartbreak: becoming the second person eliminated. Now, only 12 models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

“Top 12, we’re here!” everyone screams as they enter the Top Model house. I don’t know what’s more horrifying, the fact that they said it in perfect unison or that this is the best crop of twelve models Tyra could find. 

Nevertheless, Ava sees her picture displayed on the wall and decides to party (in the back). I don’t know if she’s celebrating because that photo is the last existing piece of her without a mullet, but Ava walks into the Tyra Suite with glee. That is, until, she discovers that the Suite is full of mirrors and she’s forced to see the monster Tyra’s made her.

I know Ava’s a pretty religious girl, so she knows better than I what this mullet really represents. Much like the perils of Pharaoh, Tyra is bringing plagues upon the house until all of the bickering comes to a stop. Don’t believe me?

• Frogs. Between Ashley and Mamé, there’s a lot beautiful women looking for love. They must get princes by the end of the cycle, because the guys they’re kissing right now are more newt than cute.
• Darkness. There must be a shortage of light during the photoshoots, because Delanie and Hadassah were both criticized for not finding theirs.
• Lice, Gnats, and Fleas. This one is only speculated, but seeing as there had yet to be a scene with Mikey showering: I’d say he’s the first victim. No wonder Tyra didn’t cut his hair during makeovers!

While Ava is contemplating these disasters, Mikey and Ashley are in bed conceiving a firstborn (who will later be killed in the final plague of the season). 

While they’re lounging in the tub, Mikey notices that Courtney is outside sleeping during the brisk night. Judging by her grey hair, she probably just had a hot flash and needed to cool off. Still, Mikey fears that she is hopelessly in love with him and the “love triangle” is damaging to his relationship with Ashley. It’ll be a love octagon if we were counting his failed conquests as well, but let’s let that slide.

Bello calls Devin and Mikey the “mean girls” in the house and admits that they throw shade at everyone. I have to agree on this front; he always seems to be the sidekick when Mikey is starting confrontations. I’m surprised Devin even has a tan at all; considering how much time he spends in Mikey’s shadow.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from joining in when Mikey goes on another rampage. While dissing previous finalists’ runway walks, Mikey claims that DMA is like a “modelling gang.” It reminds me more of a group of high schoolers who steal purses, though. After all, they’re immature, have a blonde jock as their leader, and their biggest fight was with an elderly woman. Frankly, we should have seen the signs sooner…

After they make fun of people some more, Ashley and Mikey decide to go to sleep for the night. The problem is, with conjoined beds, everything that they did was felt by Bello. As he previously stated, he needs his “eight hours of sleep.” 

So when Ashley and Mikey’s fornication awakes him at the 7 hour and 57 minute mark, he is understandably frustrated. Mikey doesn’t care if Bello gets eight hours of eight minutes of rest, he wants to be the one in control. Too bad beauty sleep doesn’t apply to personalities…

Bello taunts the blonde, daring him to get disqualified for violence. Mikey, more concerned with ejaculation than ejection, decides to back off and ignore Bello for the rest of the night. He quips that Bello is dramatic like “some of the girls here” and bashes him with the rest of DMA. 

Looks like Mikey and Devin’s signs are as backwards as their views on women.

The next day, the models are taken to meet Anthony de la Rosa, a representative from NEXT Model Management. He educates the models about the world of retouching and how every image in the magazine has undergone some change.

Yu Tsai then prompts this week’s challenge. Each model will take photos for their “comp cards”, a small card that holds their information and image. Yu explains that sometimes instead of lengthy go-sees, designers will be looking for “business in the front” and choose models with the best comp cards. Ava’s mullet is ready for the challenge.

So, with the help of Yu and Anthony, the models will retouch their photos to create flawless comp cards. “Because no one is perfect,” says Anthony’s radiant skin.

Lacey, unfazed by much of the drama, performs well on camera. Hers was one of the most minimal uses of retouching. Mamé, on the other hand, was too worried about her rendezvous with Justin the night before to focus on the task at hand.

Justin may be JSmooth, but his skin sure isn’t. At this point, it looks less like a hickey and more like a bruise. This must be what dating a diplomat's daughter is like: Mamé likes it Rough Riders…

Mikey and Ashley take direction well and come in with a plan of what they want the card to look like. Devin, however, is less confident with the overall image. After he fails to control his eyebrow on set, Yu Tsai encourages Devin to “pose to cover up any flaws.”

Now that’s a real makeover!

Before he announces the winner, Yu Tsai reveals the prize: a romantic night out on the town for two. Hmm...wonder who could possibly win this one. Nyle & Ramon? Hadassah & her Nanny? Mamé & the Treaty of Versailles?

The not at all pre-determined winner is Mikey! In an interesting turn of events, he chooses to take Devin to the outing instead of Ashley. I know Mikey has only ever been on court dates, but doesn’t he know how to properly wine and dine a woman? 

Nevertheless, Ashley is a little upset about not being chosen and doesn’t wait up for Mikey. Guess Bello’s getting some sleep tonight!

Mikey explains that he chose Devin in order to have some bro bonding time. “We’ve both already been in some altercations.” he says before taking pompous selfies in order to goad a fight.

As if their pictures aren’t worth a thousand words, Devin and Mikey come back from their night out with a thousand more insults. Mikey declares that Ava’s picture “isn’t even that good” and wants to see it come off the wall.

I don’t know if he’s more interested in living in the Tyra Suite or sleeping in it, but Mikey insinuates that he and Ashley deserve to be there right now. Courtney relays that information back to Ava who rightfully puts the man back in his place. 

Mikey still manages to push Courtney into a corner and she ends up crying in the bathroom. He brushes it off as her being “too sensitive” for his friendship. Well maybe if you took her out for a nice dinner?!

After all of the messiness from the day before, the models are brought to a new day’s photoshoot. Similar to Mikey last night, this week’s theme is…

That’s right:after learning about the benefits of Photoshop, the models are now going to see some completely unretouched pictures. Yu Tsai explains that they must give extreme poses to match the sportswear they’re wearing. 

Lacey, Ava, and Mamé all work toward elongating their features during the shoot. Dustin, however, still has trouble looking big and strong. Even after showcasing his muscles, Dustin still looks like a kid in sports clothing.

Devin decides to do some unique posing and reposition the set. Erik Asla is a little confused but decides to trust him. At least one of those eyes has to have an artistic vision!

Similar to Devin, Mikey and Ashley did well incorporating different shapes and forms during the shoot. Courtney, on the other hand, had troubles adapting to the set. She tries to climb one of the pieces and starts shaking.

Yu Tsai and Erik are worried about Courtney falling but luckily, she’s the spokesperson for Life Alert. In the end, she pulls out a nice photo, wrapping up the shooting day nicely.

Panel


The judges immediately love Mame’s hair. Kelly claims that the “rockstar” could have had more intensity in her neck but overall, the strength is there. Nyle, however, needs to exude more personality on set. Tyra likes the twist he’s doing to make his waist look more toned though.

Miss Jay loves the length of Lacey’s stature. Kelly wants to buy the clothes, which means the model is doing her job. With Dustin’s image, Tyra feels that he’s relying on his good looks.


Kelly thinks that Hadassah has a great body, but needs more tension to make it look good on film. Tyra loves Justin’s body, but feels like he uses it too much.

Miss Jay commends Devin for trying out different poses and Tyra agrees, calling it the “right energy.” She also laudes Ashley’s “owl neck tooch” and Kelly agrees, calling it dynamic.


Miss Jay is worried that Courtney doesn’t deliver enough personality in her pictures. Tyra believes that her face is strong, but not enough to carry the photo. With Ava,all the judges agree that she looks long and strong.

Tyra likes that Bello extended his arm, making his chest appear wider. The opposite is true for Mikey. While Tyra likes the juxtaposition between strong and soft, Miss Jay thinks that the pose is too “feminine”.
Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

LACEY (37.2)

MAME (36.1)

DEVIN (35.4)

MIKEY (34.7)

ASHLEY (33.8)

BELLO (33.5)

NYLE (31.9)

AVA (31.5)

COURTNEY (31.4)

JUSTIN (31.4)

“With a score of 30.5 to 28.4, the model that says in the competition is…”

HADASSAH

And with that, Dustin is eliminated. He was pretty distraught over missing prom to be here but I’m sure with the tens of teenage girls who watch this show, he’ll have plenty of other chances to impregnate someone on a boat.
Next week, the models take on a “fashion exorcism” photoshoot and the tensions between Hadassah and Mame reach a boiling point. Will the diplomat’s daughter start a war? Will DMA go completely MAD with power? Will Bello’s sleep be interrupted again?

You won’t want to miss it. Until next week!