ANTM Cycle 22 Premiere: "The Prince's Diaries"

It’s a new year, which only means one thing: a new cycle of America’s Next Top Model! It’s been a year since the victory of our first male Top Model. Tyra Banks celebrated another Mother’s Day without child, so I’m not sure whether his career is a success or not.

Nevertheless, Tyra is once again on the hunt for a new “top model”, even though a simple “model” is setting the bar too high. After twenty-two seasons, she still manages to draw a flock of contestants. Seeing as California’s in the middle of drought, I bet Tyra found a random group of men and promised them some sips from her kitchen sink.

“Who wants to be America’s Next Top Model?”


“We have bottled water.”

In addition to a gallon of Aquafina to call their own, the winner of this cycle walks away with a NEXT Model Management booking, a spread in Nylon, and a $100,000 contract with Zappos. 

Tyra promises that the winner of this cycle is going to be the most diverse one yet. Because she did away with the height requirement, Tyra makes another awful attempt at branding with some hashtags: #NotTooTall and #NotTooShort. Of course ANTM would pander to its gay audience with a reference to bears.

But let’s talk about these models. Mamé was the “daughter of a diplomat” but stopped traveling at an early age. She wanted to experience a regular childhood so she was raised by her aunt and uncle. Mamé’s life is just one iconic dance number away from being a complete fantasy.

The Fresh Princess of Tel Aviv

Ashley is a 21-year-old from Brooklyn, but her bubbly personality makes me think twice. How can someone with such a cute face live in the grungy city? Nevertheless, I’m sure she has the tools to beat a face, both hers and someone else’s. She’s beauty, she’s grace, her purse is full of mace.

Lacey is the polar opposite of Ashley. She’s an 18-year-old from the country. She’s naive enough to think that this competition will produce a “top model”; and even more trusting when she spills her biggest secret: she’s still a virgin. 

Knowing ANTM’s tactics, the next twelve photoshoots will require sexual chemistry (and, given the creative team’s lack of imagination, a photoshoot with actual test tubes and sexy lab coats). If last cycle is any indication, by her elimination: Lacey will have either had intercourse or have suffered enough trauma to reproduce asexually. 

Bryant is a very confident guy. He introduces himself as a “really hot guy” and boasts his ability to “get any girl [he] wants.” He seems like he’s more into the partying aspect of modelling than the actual work: but as long as he bags girls (and then puts the bags in his trunk), he could care less.

Alexa has a conversation with the other girls while they are waiting to arrive. She is very open about her rich boyfriend and the plastic surgery he bought her. Alexa then admits to recently getting a boob job. Seeing that it’s the only job she’s ever had, I can understand why she flaunts it so brazenly.

“I love my boobs before and I love them now,” Alexa loudly exclaims. “I will always love them.” With that level of confidence, I’m sure she can follow in the steps of Yaya and be the next ANTM girl to star in a Whitney Houston biopic.

While the girls are chit-chatting, the guys meet Nyle. It’s not long before they discover that Nyle is deaf (and not just tone-deaf like other popular Nialls)...

While the show and other models are pretty accepting of Nyle, I do worry about the future. ANTM is pretty heavy fiercely real-handed when it comes to exploiting disabilities. I know Yu Tsai’s just counting down until the thirteenth episode before he can finally give Nyle an offensive nickname. That pose just reminded me of the Hear No Evil monkey. It’s a compliment!

Who I truly feel bad for Nyle’s interpreter, Ramon. Despite her contributions to the Webster Dictionary, I’m sure Tyra hasn’t actually patented words like “booch” and “H2T”. I can just imagine her collapsing into a fit of rage when Ramon fails to properly translate photoshoot concepts such as “smize like there’s a dreckitude no-neck monster chasing you”.

And with that: a new drinking game is born. Take a shot everytime Ramon has to translate something cringe-worthy. Before the episode is through, your hands will be as shaky as this show’s moral integrity.

Now that all of the models are together, they are given the opportunity to take their first photos. While being driven to the Los Angeles Highland, the models will take professional photos in addition to some selfies. The budget for this cycle is so low, they have to resort to using Androids. It’s only the beginning of the season and Tyra’s already iPhoning it in…

But at least one person is happy with this. “This is my best selfie ever,” Courtney beams, despite waiting five minutes for the Android to turn on. She explains that, as a country girl, she has never gotten much of a chance to have professional photography. Courtney is awestruck by the photoshoot with Yu Tsai; but I’m sure she was just happy to not use stalks of corn as selfie sticks anymore.

Nyle may have lost one of his senses, but it sure wasn’t taste. He’s one of the few guys who actually pulls off that ill-fitting wardrobe. 

After their photoshoot, the models arrive at the Highland. Yu Tsai takes this opportunity to introduce some “special guests”.

Yu Tsai: “Here is our PR maven, Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone. I’d also like to welcome runway coach extraordinaire Miss Jay. Then there’s Maya, the intern that gets us our bagels. I’d also like to thank Virigina, the woman who does our taxes. And finally, the creator of this show, Tyra Banks!”

Tyra comes out in a dapper outfit and rejuvenates the audience. She then goes into this impassioned, uplifting speech: “For twenty two cycles, we have worked to showcase all types of diverse beauty. I’ve listened to all of the voices in my head social media and taken away the height requirement! Don’t let anyone get in the way of your dreams.”

“Or your tooching.”

And with that, the models are given their first runway challenge. They must handle a catwalk full of “protestors”. Seeing as their signs don’t say “Fur Is Murder” or“Leviticus 6:9”, they’re probably just extras Tyra paid for with a tub of ice cubes.

The entire fashion show is uneventful except for the occasional Sasquatch sighting. What really peaks my interest is the meeting with the judges afterward. 

Lacey is up first and immediately pours her soul to the judges. Her parents divorced when she was 15 and she gained 35 pounds as a result. What Lacey fails to mention is her swearing off men and bar hopping for the next two years like every other divorcee.

Courtney is excited to see the judges. She even brought a present for Tyra Banks. And judging by its quality, this isn’t the first time she’s made gifts for a celebrity:

Courtney’s no dummy though: giving child-hungry Tyra a bad drawing to hang on her fridge? She might as well move into the Top Model House right now.

Hadassah’s spot, however, is a little more insecure. The judges worry about her beauty pageant background. Still, she has the look and delivered during the photoshoot. Similarly, Delanie was giving a good presence in person and behind the camera.

Devin is questioned for his “sporadic” energy during the photoshoot. Justin is the total opposite: he’s cool and smooth throughout the whole meeting.

Backstage is a whole different ballgame. The tension becomes palpable when Bello, who was sporting a crown, finds it broken. Bello calls out Dallas and his cohort for touching his property. The two deny it, but the ball is in Bello’s royal court. He takes his energy and puts it into meeting the judges.

Kelly and Miss Jay are immediately weary of his eyes. They’re this deep blue, and Tyra is entranced by his presentation. Whether you love or hate him, Bello is one of the main attractions of this cycle.

Bello of the Ball

Despite being only 18, Dustin is a man in person. His presence is strong, but his personality still has that goofiness needed for the business. He admits that his biggest insecurity is the length of his **ck. Fortunately, Tyra gives Dustin some tips to minimize his neck in photos. Now, the only long thing Dustin has to worry about is the lines of adoring fans he’ll have every time his shirt comes off.

Ashley has the look and personality down. She is fiercely independent but still opens up about her past to the panel. When she was a child, her brother’s friend molested her. That incident, along with other circumstances, led to her growing up in a shelter. Thankfully, Ashley is stronger now and she has the strength to come out and fulfill her dreams.

Mikey also had to overcome so hardships on his way to becoming a Top Model. He is the first guy in his family to graduate high school and one of the few who hasn’t wound up in prison. He wants to make his brother proud; so he triumphantly states “look where I’m at now.” I mean, jail probably has better food and more privacy thanAmerica’s Next Top Model, but to each his own.

Ava introduces herself as a “cool Christian”. Her philosophy is not judging people without knowing them first. She also has quite a motto to live by: keep your legs closed and your Bible open.

I love seeing an open-minded Christian on this show. Ava’s a self-proclaimed flower child: she sure puts the hip in hippie. I just hope she isn’t forced to break any commandments on this show. Once she signed her contract, Ava’s life is basically in Tyra’s hands. You know she is a jealous woman with a failing reality show: you shall put no other American Idols before me.

Before his meeting with the judges, Stefano managed to ruffle some feathers. He does not condone Alexa’s silicone; and his comments left most of the women feeling betrayed. In front of the judges, his “reggae rap” hit a sour note. In addition, Stefano was critiqued for being too cocky and his stance on religion as being the “root of all evil” was deemed controversial. Sorry Stefano, but the Meek Mill shall inherit the Earth.

After meeting all 31 semifinalists, the judges narrowed it down to 22 hopefuls. Yu Tsai and Miss Jay warn them that there are only twenty-two names inside of this foam pool. Those names represent the models who will be continuing in the competition. Seeing as you have thirty-one desperate models, I’m worried a couple of them might drown looking for their names in a crazed frenzy.

“The 22 models who survive will continue on in the hopes of...reading on a third grade level.”

After a couple of minutes full of screaming, muffled cries, and broken dreams; I finished contemplating my life choices and unpaused the episode. By that time, the twenty-two finalists were chosen and the losers were ushered away to a less shallow body of water.

Next week, the models will take on a photoshoot at the Universal Citywalk. A fight breaks out and eight more people watch their dreams get crushed. Until then...

ANTM cycle 21 premiere: "21 Hump Street"

Welcome to the 21st cycle of America’s Next Top Model! The show that has inevitably started many drinking games is now old enough to do it on its own. Tyra promises that this “fierce cycle full of tooching smizers” (that’s three and a half shot if you’re keeping track) will be the luckiest one yet. Considering that they still manage to get people to audition for this thing, I have to concur.

Another thing we can agree on (me agreeing with Tyra? It must be the beer goggles) is that there is “something missing” from this cycle. Tyra uses a scene with little children to announce her fear that she’s “looking for something”. A functioning uterus? Well, whatever this is will surely calm your spirits, Tyra…

During her search for an heir with great hair, Tyra has collected 34 models to compete in a runway show. Chantelle, a 19-year-old from Canada, is very eager to show the world that her vitiligo doesn’t mean she’s not beautiful. Her story is as beautiful as her, and I’m sure that she’s find this competition as easy as EhBC…

The Last Supper Club

As the models file into The Supper Club in Los Angeles, they grow more anxious to meet the other gender. Like the awkward chaperone at a middle-school dance, Cory Wade-Hindorff from cycle 20 separates the models with a wall. Despite their pleas for him to roll up the partition (please), Cory tells the separate models that they will be participating in a EDM fashion show. For all the old geezers like me, I looked this term up on an online encyclopedia and got the definition ‘Electronic Dance Music’. But then again, this site also says that a ‘surfboart’ is not a surfing tool, so I’m wary of its credentials. 

Nevertheless, Cory tells them that at the end of the catwalk, they will take a selfie and decorate it using the Line app(once again, that’s the Line app. wink) Finally, he explains that the models must create a hashtag to paint on their body while they walk. In order to demonstrate, Cory starts to teach the models how to walk as straight as a Line. The irony here is not lost on me.

The girls go backstage and start thinking of words. Raelia, whose thin body distracts the other girls, should be more interested in hashbrowns than hashtags. In the middle of the chaos, Cory enters with a one-sided mirror (bought at Ikea wink) where the guys can check out their competition.

-ATTENTION: For those participating in the Marvin Cortez special (taking a drink everytime a boy pops a boner), please skip this section. I, and the state of California, will not be held responsible for any injuries or death due to this drinking game.-

Knowing that they’re being watched, the girls show off their skills in the mirror. When it’s Kari’s turn at the all-knowing glass, the boys can hardly contain their excitement. 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Make Them Kari A Blue Ball

Feeling upstaged, the guys take a turn showing off. Not one to make small talk (or probably just not capable of forming a whole sentence), Adam screams at the mirror. The girls don’t react smoothly to the mating cry. Instead, they return to making their hashtags. Shei is excited to leave her go-go dancing to become a model, while Mirjana hopes to make Serbia proud.

Moments before the runway show begins, a shadowy figure descends from the ceiling. Tyra cascades down draped in black while screaming “tooch booch fierce smize”. The models look over their contracts for a moment before breaking out into obligational fanfare. What was supposed to be a grand diva entrance felt more like a demented retelling of the ending of Jack & the Giant Beanstalk.

While Tyra mumbles “fe fi fo fum’ in the corner, the true showstopper arrives. With a long cape, and legs to match, Miss Jay Alexander plummets the runway. With a greeting that is only described as “taking me to church”, Jay informs the models that he has returned to help judge this cycle.

The models walk on the runway in pairs. Most of them have trouble keeping in a straight line (thanks Marvin!) and fail to take good selfies. Confused as to why people aren’t showering the end of the runway with dollar bills like usual, Shei stumbles to the back of the runway. Only one model really steals the spotlight: Will.

Judging by his staggering height (6’6) and matching psychique, Will proves that everything’s bigger in Texass. I’m hoping that he can become the breakout star of this cycle; the Beyonce in this family of destiny’s neglected children.

Wills, Wills, Wills

After the fashion show, the models are given the unique opportunity of using the Line app to elevate their selfies to the next level (from awful to terrible!)

Later that day, Kelly Cutrone joins Miss Jay and Tyra to begins the judging rounds. Chantelle surprises the judges with her beautiful stature, and “corn fed” Ben hits on Tyra. Kelly, amaized that Ben would be so unprofessional, sends him out to think about his longevity as a model.

Danny, a Staten Island based model who auditioned for cycle 20, returns with an air of cockiness. His arrogance annoys Romeo, the 23 year old from California. His audition with the judges, however, was more well received.

When Adam goes before the judges, the 26 year old proudly states that he’s a “professional partier.” He is a “legend” in his fraternity, Pi Gamma Douche, and reassures us that he is still “very smart.” He can tell when it’s already raining! 

In addition to being a skilled weatherman, Adam promises that he can squeeze modelling into this tight schedule. So tight in fact, that he can only have sex for two minutes. I’m sure his left hand is very unimpressed. Nevertheless, the Minute Man continues to have a very healthy lifestyle, eating (out) three times a day. In addition, he brags that this entrepreneurship in math could land him on the cover of many publications. 

STIme Magazine

After the judges disinfect the studio, Lenox is allowed to audition. She connects with Tyra after doing some strange forehead bonding ritual. She then tells the judges that her father died two weeks ago. Tyra consoles her and allows her to use the competition as something to grow stronger with.

Will struts in with a pair of high heels. He tells Tyra that after teaching girls to achieve their dreams through dance, he wants to take this opportunity to do it himself. Tyra praises Abby Lee Willer for his selfie and confidence as an out gay model.

In the middle of the auditions, a girl named Jamie Rae appears. This “blonde bombshell” immediately threatens the other girls with her statuesque presence. 

When she auditions for the judges, Tyra immediately takes a liking to her. Linking her to a “real life Barbie doll”, Tyra calls her almost unreal. She is not impressed Jamie Rae and rebukes her until she takes off her makeup. Looks like someone’s jealous Ty-Ty. Don’t worry, she’s definitely not trying to steal your gig. Is she? 

Life-Size 3 Confirmed?

Nevertheless, Tyra is the boss here. And her request overwhelms all two of Jamie Rae’s brain cells. Still, she walks off and washes her face. Tyra and the judges react positively to the “real” girl behind the mask.

But not everyone’s true colors are being taken in stride. When Romeo pulls out a pack of tarot cards, Danny and Keith are frightened. Annoyed that his audition didn’t go to well, Denzel also freaks out at the unconventional kid.

But luckily, Romeo is the judge’s favorite Shakesqueer character. He saunters into the judging panel with an arm full of tattoos and a gothic flannel. If Kelly Cutrone could blow away the cobwebs out of her batcave, she would go gaga for Othello. In addition to being a gothic vampire, he is a bisexual man who practices Wicca. If his modelling career ever falls through, he can still secure a job on The CW’s new hit sitcom:

Biwitched

After Hamlet finishes his audition, the judges decide to cut the pool of models from 34 to 22. 

Get Lucky (Strike)

The models are greeted by Kelly Cutrone and Jay at the Lucky Strike bowling alley. One by one, the models will roll and get told if they are still in the competition or not. As the competition thins out, cheers and screams are let out. 

Personally, I have never seen Will this excited about a bear since the last time he went out clubbing.

With all the celebration aside, the twenty-two semi-finalists are told that their journey does not here. Next week will have more drama, another photoshoot, and only fourteen models will make it. Who will they be? Which product will Tyra shamelessly plug next? Stay tuned to find out!

ANTM c19 premiere: Alpha Ty

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Tyra and co. have come together once again to discover America’s next supermodel (or at least create some good reality television.)

Eighteen cycles of America’s Next Top Model have come and gone and just like Kelly Cutrone’s breast milk, its flavor has gone stale. So in an attempt to breathe new life in the carcass of Top Model, Tyra has enlisted the stylistic services of a “man” named P’Trique. Because all fashionable males resemble the Abominable Snowman with blonde bangs and a bushy ‘stache. 

Tom Yeti

After he (?) spits out some concepts that are sure to scare the village people, Tyra has a revelation: a college cycle. Inspired by her short stay at Harvard (3 minutes in the parking lot) and her resulting business degree ($50 and a printer), Tyra decided to open up the competition to her fellow scholars.

But her newfound love of education isn’t the only thing Mama Ty has up her sleeve: this cycle, the judging table has been revamped. But more on that later. Tyra has scourged universities from all across the nation and handpicked the lucky 30 semi-finalists. 

Beauty School Dropouts

The thirty girls arrive at the Top Model Sorority House, where only 13 of them will be admitted. After they fistpump and “represent” their prospective schools with a “wooo!”, the dean of admissions walks in.

Tyra announces the changes to the girls. First, there’s Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone, fashion PR maven (why all the black, Kell? Who died? Well, other than your sex appeal…)

Speaking of, the next judge is sexy Englishman Rob Evans! Rob is highly sought after and in a few short years, has gone from “world renowned boxer to esteemed male model (to future gay porn star)”.

Glad You Came

Afterwards, Tyra introduces our new creative director, Johnny Wujek (whose lisp is adorable, may I add). Being Katy Perry’s personal stylist, I expect some diplomas to shoot out of bras within the next two photoshoots… 

And finally, the 4^th judge is…YOU! That’s right guys, the American public will be voting for their favorites. Whether you’re a menopausal cat lady or a pubescent heroin-addict, you can weigh in! 

The girls are immediately thrown into a walk-off and a photoshoot. During their strolls, we get to meet some of the models:

Kiara has a “strong” look and is really “competitive”, hence her basketball scholarship. Rob is already impressed by her walk.

Sweet little Kristin actually has a shady past. She was suspended from high school for several “altercations”. Nevertheless, she still has a pretty face.

Leila is “ready” for the competition and hopes that her “unique features” don’t scare the other girls.

Gappy Halloween

Destiny is from Ohio and lived in a group home. She doesn’t want to be the “angry” type but instead, wishes to succeed despite her “troubled past”.

During the photoshoot, girls like Nastasia and Kristin impress Johnny with their “effortless posing”.

Afterwards, the girls’ images are uploaded onto social media sites, where they can receive feedback. The models look on as their numbers rise, blissfully unaware that most of those ‘likes’ are being generated by the Facebook accounts of the enslaved orphans in Tyra’s basement.

During the one-on-ones, certain girls impress the judges:

Brittany, the “Disney fan”, impresses Kelly. She enjoys her “infectious energy” and can’t wait to see her again. (Relax Maleficent!)

Laura is no stranger to fame. Many years (and gastric bypasses) ago, her mother was the Australian representative in the Miss World pageant. Meanwhile in America, her father was busy filming the hit TV show Dynasty. Even though she herself was quite impressive on the runway, Johnny is left uninspired by her look in person. So, Tyra takes it upon herself to christen the girl with water blessed by the model gods (and Poland Spring).

In The Name of the Fierce, the Smize, and the H2T Ghost

Once she has been born again as a creature of fashion, Kelly notes that she has thousands of fan likes.

Destiny, majoring in cosmetology, tells the judges that she used to be homeless. After being kicked out at the age of sixteen, she had moved to a group home but is still hopeful. Rob Evans empathizes, saying that he had a similar experience when he was a boxer. He admires her drive and passionately encourages her to keep strong. I wonder if a Rob-Destiny romance is in the stars…

Other girls, however, are less than cosmic. Ivory, the fist-eater, and Jasmine, the psycho pusssy, both turn off the judges. Guess it’s back to the frat parties ladies…

Unlike those girls, Victoria is more reserved. She was homeschooled and is now taking online courses at Liberty College. Tyra thinks that she’s “mature” and Johnny agrees. The fans are not as impressed. A “racist” ogre by the name of Melissa thinks her face is bland but Victoria disagrees, calling it “expressive”.

When Victoria is not schooling people about her amazing look, she has a really fun personality. Despite being an “old soul”, she gets down better than most of the other students.

Scholar-hips

Johnny and Kelly are in love with Leila’s gap. They see “serious potential” and the fans agree, calling her “special” and “unique”.

But when their backs are turned, the other girls start dissing the two girls. Victoria tries to not let the other girls “get under her (multiethnic) skin”.

Maria is a religion major from Harvard. Tyra automatically bonds with her kin. After “coming out of the closet” about modeling, she is more confident than ever.

Kristin, the communications major, had some disagreements back in high school; getting suspended several times. And no, the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, she received the most likes on Facebook.

If you ever needed proof that everything’s bigger in Texas, just look at Yvonne! She hails from Austin and declares that she loves “long horns” (that’s what she said). Tyra is impressed with her gravity-defying tooch.

Kiara wants to be a “positive role model”. Despite being “abused” and running away at the age of sixteen, she received a basketball scholarship. But she assures the judges, modeling is her true passion.

The judges are really impressed by Darian’s “southern hospitality”. She reassures Rob that she will do “anything” to become America’s Next Top Model. All across the nation, Darian’s professors are having titillating memories of this same passion.

Financial AIDS

After all of these informing sessions, Tyra has decided which thirteen girls will move into the Top Model Sorority House. But first, she gives us a rundown of the new prizes.

The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000. 

Now, which thirteen girls are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model?

KRISTIN
NASTASIA
LAURA
ALLYSSA
DESTINY
KIARA
LEILA
DARIAN
MARIA
JESSIE
BRITTANY
YVONNE

And the final girl is...

VICTORIA

And there you have it! Next week, the girls will be walking in a fashion show. Apparently, Destiny (Hope Cyrus) sluts up the runway and Victoria is a drama queen. FUN!

Do you have any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 premiere: Casting Couch

Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model begins with a collection of Jade’s winning looks. Our stunning host Elle McPherson introduces us and reminds us…the time has come to crown a new winner.

First, we are reacquainted with the judges. First, we have the fabulous Elle. She gloats that she wants the winner to be “unique and special”, even though the montage of her work flashing the screen proves otherwise.

Next we have Julian McDonald. He has ditched the mop of hair he wore for the last four years and lost weight like Star Jones. He insists that the winner has to be “young, fresh, and elegant”. At let's not forget: bootiful.

Then, we are met with the new judges. First, we have Whitney Port, who is apparently a very esteemed fashion person. She shares the stage with Tyson Beckford. He is listed as a famed male model and actor. But let us not forget his most famous role…

So, who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

Elle and the judges have cropped the thousands of audition tapes to the Top 20. They are all let into an English hotel, where they size each other up through talk and tea.

Even in the midst of the cattiness, one girl catches my eye.

Roxanne. Oh Roxanne. What can I say about Roxanne? It baffles me how one girl can be a doppelganger to so many people. It’s as if Angelea and Jade had a lesbonic fling and produce a child.

                      

 We Are Family

Other than the lovechild of two Top Models, there are more girls with interesting looks, i.e.: Anne and Lisa.

In the middle of tea time, Elle walks in and announces that the Top 20 will be walking in a runway show. They must dress and style themselves to showcase their personalities.

Run-A-Way

Despite the madness backstage, most of the girls shake off their pre-show jitters. Risikat wowed Elle on the katwalk while Emma S stumbled during her stroll.

Lisa, on the other hand, will do “anything it takes” to become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.

Anything, You Say?

Back on the runway, Letitia proved that she was a competitor with her “flirty walk”. Between her lettuce-like name and her sultry strut, Letitia can make a very seductive salad.

At the end of the show, Elle is upset that most of them were “terrified” walking down the runway. Not that having her at the end isn’t menacing enough.

       

Carrie, Eat Your Heart Out

Nevertheless, she is notably impressed by most of the girls. In fact, she implores that the decision is SO difficult for her without the judges that they will all be flown to DUBAI!

After a round of squeals, shrieks, and praise to unnamed deities, Elle reminds them that there will be an elimination.

All the girls are understandably excited, especially Vanessa; whose been away from her daughter during this: the “best experience of her life”. 97% of parents would agree.

Hello, Dubai

Once they touch ground in Dubai, all of the girls cackle in undecipherable accents about the pristine oceans and architecture.

In their hotel, they receive an E-Mail which states that tomorrow will be the next photoshoot. So, they take the day off “Dubai-style”; which apparently means going to the beach and nonchalantly tossing some balls around.

After about three minutes of volleyball, the girls retire to their sandy resort. Madeleine is angry (her default emotion) and talks about how annoying the girls are. Her and Anne tightly wrap themselves in their towels and hobble in the corner to discuss these girls’ antics.

                                        

Burritos, anyone?

On the other side of the beach, Vanessa is anxious and suffering from child withdrawal. She is a “nervous wreck” and doesn’t think she can handle being without. Even after Roxanne attempts to comfort her, not even the allure of being Britain’s Next Top Model can cheer Vanessa up.

    

Pep(si) In Her Step

All the girls head to their hotel and Madeleine is immediately annoyed by her roommates. She reiterates that she is NOT here to make friends and storms off during her argument with Anita. Then they play Ke$ha’s Blow. Fitting.

During her consultation with the judges, Elle announces that Catherine quit the competition because it was “too stressful.” She then commands Whitney and Tyson to mentor the girls during their first swimwear shoot.

Bikini Kill

The girls are met by Whitney and Tyson, who instruct them to hair and makeup. However, before the shoot, Vanessa requests a sidebar. She is “missing home” and thinks this “contest is too much pressure”. Tyson is upset but tells her “when one door closes, another one opens.” Just as long as that door leads to his bedroom.

During the shoot, Whitney and Tyson feel that Risikat is “comfortable” with the camera but Emma G stole the show. However, Anita struggled and brought the group down.

Whitney thinks that Louisa has a beautiful face and that Danielle is “lucky”. Tyson believes that Roxanne, Lisa, and Letitia are superstars. But they both agree: Anne is the “winner of the bunch”.

                                          

All Hail the Queef Queen

Julian greets the girls with an E-Mail. Unfortunately, one of the girls will be eliminated during breakfast.

At the deliberation, the judges are all in consensus that Anne, Emma G, Letitia, and Lisa are all stand-outs. They feel that Madeleine, Danielle, Penelope, and Anita are the ones who were struggling the most.

So…who will be eliminated?

All of the girls are anxious about the impending elimination. The next day, they go to an aquarium to eat breakfast and meet Elle.

Side note: is this how manta rays look like in Dubai? Did it eat a cheetah? I don't know.

                          

                                        

                                                                                Where the Wild Uggs Are

Anyway, we still have a girl to eliminate!

Elle comes up to the girls and they immediately stop eating (as if they started). She is very sorry to inform us that the girl who will not be Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model is…

DANIELLE

Now, only 17 girls remain. Next week the girls go head-to-head with the judges. At an Arabian princesses photoshoot, the heat is on during their final attempts to make it into the Top Model house.

Are you ready for BINTM cycle 8? Who are your early faves? What did you think of the two quitters? Who is in your ideal Top 14? Sound off in the comments below.