ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 9: "Go See About Me"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models were paired up to teach girls about science with six-second PSAs. When Hadassah won the challenge, Bello had some sour grape(Vines). Afterward, they took on a Life-Size inspired photoshoot where everyone became a doll. While Lacey got the best marks, Courtney reached her shelf life and was eliminated. But in a surprise double elimination, Bello also said goodbye to his porcelain dreams. Now, only 7 models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The models return to see Lacey’s photo on the wall. She runs up the stairs to see her new room. With her third week in the Suite, it seems that Tyra is running out of tips for Lacey. With advice like ‘people won’t think you’re sexy if you pose sexy’ and ‘ignore the haters, they’re just jealous’, Tyra’s videos are beginning to look like therapy sessions now. Stop it Tyra, you’re literally projecting yourself.








While Tyra is getting herself some web therapy, the other models think about their next challenge. Devin wants to work on the go-sees to finally show his potential. “This year has been rough,” he confides. “I moved to L.A., I’ve been through a breakup.” If Devin’s lovelife is anything like his modelling; he still committed to at least five other guys.

The next day, the universe decides to honor Devin’s prayers because it is indeed a go-see challenge. Kelly Cutrone warns them that NEXT Model Management despises late models and coming in after the deadline will mean a disqualification (which they can always protest...)

Before letting them loose, Kelly announces the twist. Each model will be paired with an eliminated model and in the end of the week, they will replace someone. Confused? Luckily, Bello is here to explain it in true American Horror Story fashion.



Because she got best picture last week, Lacey gets to choose her partner. Since he’s an atheist, Stefano makes his presence known right away. His perseverance eventually gets the better of Lacey and she chooses Stefano.

Justin and Dustin come together and Mamé hooks up with Courtney. Nyle chooses Delanie and Mikey reunites with Ashley. Hadassah is left with the decision of either Bello or Ava. She could make the choice to repair her friendship or completely destroy it in one fell swoop.

“I choose Ava!”

Oh. Bello can’t believe that:

1) he was not chosen by his best friend in the competition,
2) he’s stuck with Devin for this challenge, and
3) it’s not butter. 

With that, the models are off! Everyone grabs a cab and heads off to their destinations. While some models try to make the best of their situation, Bello and Devin pout the entire ride.

They look like a still from any summer movie about a disgruntled family vacation. Just replace the brooding teens with two sexually frustrated homosexuals and you’ve got a blockbuster. Make it happen, CW!


Are We There Cher Yet?

Justin and Dustin are lost in the city and start to worry, but then remember Kelly’s wise words to use their Oppo phone. I don’t know if she meant to text and drive or accidentally use GPS and end up in a crack den; but I wouldn’t recommend any combination of cell phones + cars.

Meanwhile, Hadassah and Ava have arrived at Koco Blaq and model their swimwear. They comment that Hadassah has the perfect body for bathing suits but Ava needs to work on her runway. In addition, they make a jab at her being too short for the catwalk.

Likewise, Mamé and Courtney are praised for their looks when modelling for Koco Blaq. They say that Mamé probably has the best presence they’ve seen in the entire group and laud her as a perfect spokesmodel. Mamé returns the sentiment and admits that she’d love to be in a swimwear campaign. I guess the old saying is true...


Once You Go Koco Blaq…

Mikey and Ashley get to a formal wear agency and, in the middle of their walk, Justin and Dustin walk in. Instead of just waiting their turn, they barge in and strut for the designers. They aren’t given the time of day because they “weren’t wearing suits” and I concur. It was really rude of them to interrupt Mikey. Did they learn nothing from Bello?

Lacey and Stefano are satisfied with their go-sees and decide to head back. They are so desperate for the win, the two start to beg their respective deities. Lacey starts praying to God, Stefano ponders aimlessly: but their hope is the same; everyone else will be late getting back to NEXT.

Apparently, the call for chaos works because Nyle & Delanie run into problems. After finishing their time at Koco Blaq, Delanie forgets her bag. Then after leaving the cab, she forgets her portfolio. I would be upset at Delanie, but I often forget her too: so it seems like an even trade-off.

For their last go-see, Justin and Dustin walk for a ‘quirky’ designer. He tells them to showcase their radiant personalities on the runway and the boys simply make peace signs at the end of the catwalk. The designer calls them “energetic” and fitting to the brand…



Oh, that explains it.

With only a few minutes left, all of the teams decide to return to NEXT. Bello and Devin are stuck in traffic and they decide to make a run for it. Mamé and Courtney are also in a dangerous position, having gotten to all 4 go-sees but being too far to make it on time.

In the end, Mamé and Courtney are disqualified for being tardy. Kelly announces that Mikey, Nyle, Hadassah, Justin, and Dustin all booked 3 of the shows that they walked for. Because she was late, Mamé gave up her win (having booked all 4). So, the de facto winner is...HADASSAH.

Like a true pageant girl, runner-up Hadassah was happy to snatch Mamé’s victory from her. 

Back in the house, Bello is upset that Hadassah “ruined their friendship.” I guess Bello really was here to make friends, because his impassioned speech reeks of betrayal. He wishes her a “good life” and swears to never speak to Hadassah again.

With all of that out of the way, the models are taken to their photoshoot. Yu Tsai surprises them with the news that they’ll be sharing the spotlight this week:



When you think about it, a photoshoot with dogs is kind of fitting for this week. Just like canines, the models are desperately trying to claim their territory in this competition. Luckily, they don’t do so by peeing (at least, not without a diaper…)

Yu Tsai promises that each dog has been matched to fit their owner’s personality. If we’re judging by that criteria, there are going to be some interesting hounds:

• Hadassah and Mamé’s dog wins best-in-show every year.
• Mikey’s dog just came back from getting neutered.
• Devin’s dog is signed to 6 different walkers.
• Bello’s dog is not at the park to make friends.

All of the models do fairly well, so let’s just skip the dog days and go directly to panel. We can’t waste a lot of time, models get older even faster in dog years.

Panel


The judges feel the relationship in Hadassah’s picture. Kelly describes it as Parisian and posh. Devin, on the other hand, is over-the-top in his depiction of a classy figure. He suffers the same problem as Mikey: neither of them have versatility in their looks. In fact, Miss Jay says that Mikey’s face is the exact same in every photo thus far.


Tyra likes Lacey’s face and Kelly concurs, calling it a ‘fierce’ photo. With Mamé, however, the judges are more split. Miss Jay loves the intensity of her pose but Kelly thinks there isn’t enough of a fashion element. Tyra laments the pose, pointing out that it makes Mamé look shorter.
The problem with Justin’s photo, Tyra explains, is that there’s a disconnect between his face and the rest of his body. This is the complete opposite of Nyle, who has a sexy “primordial wolf energy” throughout the photo. Kelly calls it fit for an ad campaign and the others agree.


Tyra loves the intensity of Bello’s eyes, and Kelly mentions that his energy matches the dog. Likewise, the judges fawn over Dustin; calling it strong and connected. Miss Jay doesn’t like the lack of energy in Ashley’s face, and the women agree; calling it a bit dead in the eyes.

Kelly calls Courtney a “bad ass Lolita” and the others agree. Her personality shines through in this picture. Delanie’s pose is “nice” and demure enough for the brief.

Even though Ava is very “on point with that type of woman”, Tyra fears that her picture isn’t enough to overcome her go-see blunder. Stefano, on the other hand, is elegant and powerful, similar to his presence during the challenge.

Now that the judges have seen all the photos, the comeback begins. With the smallest combined total, the models not returning to the competition are:

ASHLEY (27.1)

DELANIE (30.5)

BELLO (30.6)

COURTNEY (32.5)

AVA (34)

And with a score of 35.1 to 35.0, the returning model is…

DUSTIN

Now, who will Dustin be replacing in the competition? The model with the best score is…
NYLE (39)

HADASSAH (36.6)

LACEY (36.4)

MAME (32.9)

MIKEY (32.2)

“Will Devin and Justin please step forward? Only one of you will stay in this competition and join us in...LAS VEGAS!”

Now, normally, this would be the time where Tyra removes her tearaway to reveal a showgirl costume and cackles as she announces, “I only have one plane ticket in my hands…” But this is a new age where ANTM’s budget has plummeted faster than its relevancy.

So, Tyra decides to announce the international transnational destination by throwing up a casino montage and shower the models with dollar bills. Now, we know good and goddamn well Marvin’s father spent the next two hours picking it right back up; but let’s not break the illusion: make it rain Tyra!


Instead of eliminating them right there and then, Tyra decides to wait until the next episode to get rid of either Justin or Devin. I wouldn’t be surprised if she drove them to a casino and keeps whoever can afford a plane ticket.

Next week, we’ll find out which guy joins everyone else in the desert. Then, the final seven will explore Vegas for a music video shoot. Who will strike big in Vegas? Until next time!

ANTM c19 episode 9: Jamaican Me Crazy

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were sent on go-sees. After Markus Barrington (who I’d rather come and see) announced Laura the winner, the girls took on a shoot at prison. Even though she blended into her orange jumpsuit, Laura and her tan got out for good behavior. Despite Victoria getting twenty years to life, it was Brittany who received the death sentence. But then Tyra announces that she will reveal the comeback contender! So, who will return to the competition? And who will be eliminated tonight?

After Tyra instructs her bodyguards to release the eliminated girls from the island of misfit decoys, she announces that one of them will return. She promises them a chance to join the others at the international destination; which is…JAMAICA!

While the other girls ecstatically fantasize about the olive-skinned men of Jamaica, Laura’s skin sizzles at the thought of the tanning opportunities to come.

3^rd Cock from the Sun

After Laura applies her ninth coat of sunscreen, Tyra reviews the social media scores of the eliminated girls. One by one, the amount of returning girls, just like Tyra’s fertile egg count, diminishes:

Destiny (4.53)
Darian (4.64)
Yvonne (4.76)
Jessie (5.04)
Brittany (5.41)

And with a score of 5.84 to 5.44, the girl returning to the competition is…

Leila

All the girls, in a collective sigh, express their fear of Leila’s retaliation. Noticing their fleeting chances at the title, the girls take Kristin Loman’s lead to save themselves from the next four weeks of inferiority.

Death of a Failsman

But with her blinding hair and even brighter skin, Laura is ready to take on the biblical Goleilath.

Back in the house, Nastasia is excited to “go somewhere”. Victoria feels “lonely” and wants to talk to her mother for words of encouragement. Laura, on the other hand, isn’t letting anything “hold her back.”

Just Dance

The girls arrive at the Half-Moon Resort (Tyra had to show her half moon to pay for that!) where they are greeted by stereotypical Jamaican dance. Tyra welcomes them in her native weave and initiates a celebration.

Kiara immediately grinds with her tour guide Korey, who kisses her to the beat of Tyra’s drumming circle. I might not be an expert in Jamaican wedding customs, but I’m pretty sure they’re married now.

The Honeymooners

Meanwhile, the other girls dance with their male models, who are (unwillingly) festive about Jamaica’s switch from British rule to Tyra’s reign. Under this new Tyranny, the girls receive a quick teach about the differences between smizing and tooching.

Despite the royal decrees falling out of Tyra’s mouth, Kiara manages to flirt with Korey. Who knew Smizese was the new language of love…

After Tyra pays Kiara’s dowry, the girls are met by Jonte. He introduces Konshens, who is a famous dancer and singer. Konshens challenges the girls to a dance-off, where the winners will receive $3,000 worth of ‘jewelry’. Now that a boatful of colored beads is on the line…

Victoria tried to not make an ass of herself. Nastasia and Kiara on the other hand, were just asses. Korey approves. Kristin didn’t want to look stupid, so she left Laura to give “attitude” alone. And by “attitude”, she means shaking her terribly gold-encrusted vagina.

All That Glitters Is Not Mold

She’s really putting the ‘best’ back in ‘asbestos’! After the three teams finish ‘dancing’, Konshens judges them using his ever so accurate equation:

After much consideration, Laura/Kristin receive a 7, Leila/Victoria get an 8, and the winners, Nastasia/Kiara, are granted a 9.

Back in the house, Kristin and Laura gossip about Leila. Kristin feels that she can only take “nice photos” and not well-rounded enough to be a top model. Laura agrees but still feels threatened by her in this competition.

The Raft of Khan

The next day, the girls are met by Johnny Wujek and Rob Evans on a raft. They are introduced to the Martha Bay River, which will serve as the backdrop of this shoot.

According to Johnny, the premise of the shoot is a love triangle between Rob and a male model of the girls’ choosing. Obviously, Kiara picks the old ball n’ chain. Unfortunately for her, that outfit is not doing her any favors. For the preservation of her marriage, let’s hope that Korey likes his women curvy.

Here Comes the Wide

Nevertheless, she was able to keep her affairs in order. Laura on the other hand, had trouble connecting to the men and the camera.

Even though she’s too much of a square for a love triangle, Nastasia was able to use her angles and still remain in character. Rob, who entirely misunderstood the term ‘comeback’, was ecstatic to ejaculate on Leila’s torso. Fortunately, she still found it easy to engage all elements of the shoot.

Victoria easily created her aristocratic character but failed to emerge as an ‘artist’. Johnny was also unimpressed with Kristin, questioning her place in the top 6. Even after some mentoring, she was unable to follow direction well. Within the first two minutes of the shoot, you can tell Johnny is contemplating whether or not to replace Kristin in the middle of that triangle…

To Seamen or Not To Seamen

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becomingAmerica’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."



Nastasia: Kelly loves the body posture but Tyra is not pleased with the hoochy tooch. Despite their 8 and 7, Rob loves the “queen of the jungle” and gives her a regal 10.



Leila: Kelly and Rob call her “amazing” and give her 8’s. Tyra, like the fans, thinks she failed, and deems it a 6.



Kiara: The judges are left hazy by the disconnection and it’s stiff. But enough about Rob. She gets two 6’s and a 7.



Victoria: Kelly connects it to a Celine Dion ad and with Rob, gives her a 6. Tyra agrees, calling it an “overthought” 7.



Kristin: Rob compares the bottom half to a “lap dance”. After he gives her a 7, Kelly calls it a 7. Tyra gives her an 8 and a ‘lesson’ on how to let loose…



Laura: Kelly loves the “Barbie Rapunzel” and awards her an 8. Tyra and Rob settle on 9’s.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

NASTASIA (39.3)

LAURA (38.9)
LEILA (34.9)
KRISTIN (33.3)

“Will Kiara and Victoria please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.5 to 31.3, that girl is…”

KIARA

But don’t cry for her, Argentina! Victoria gives an eloquent speech about how thankful she is for the experience and grateful to Tyra.

Next week, the girls will shoot in a “dangerous waterfall” where apparently, Leila burns her vagina. Sounds hot. So until next time…

The Labia Who Played With Fire

BINTM c8 episode 9: Valley of the Dolls

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to walk on water. Some girls were more adrift than others, but in the end, Lisa impressed Jesus the most. During a nude shoot at a laundry, the girls were accompanied by three male models. While Emma and Anita appreciated theménage a trios, Madeleine was a dud with the suds. But unfortunately, it was Jennifer who was all washed up. Only seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back in the house, Madeleine is still “fighting for it”, even though the competition is getting “harder and tougher.” Before they can relax in the house, the girls receive an…

E-Mail! “Do you think you’re news-worthy models? Find out tomorrow. Love, Elle.”

The girls are excited to become spokeswomen but Letitia is nervous about any impending speaking challenges. But Anita is not falling for her ruse; promising to not give any “sympathy” to Lispticia.

Radio Gag Gag

The girls are met by Gordon Smart, the sexy showbiz editor of The Sun (he can have my sons anyday.)He warns them that being a successful model isn't just about being a pretty face. Obviously, getting personality from these girls is as futile as Tyson Beckford’s career but he’s confident that they’ll showcase some “dirt” on their competition.

He prompts them to write a piece that will be broadcast around the UK and basically, the most literate girl will win! If Mean Girls is any indication of British education, then we’re in for a treat.

How Do You Spell ‘Orange’?

During their writing hour, the girls are inspired to not write “nice things”. Emma wants to be “personable” and Risikat wants her piece to be “funny” (the grammatical inconsistencies will be more than enough!)

One by one, the girls are allowed to watch the broadcasts. Roxanne calls Letitia “immature” and ironically enough, criticizes her for not “taking criticism well”. She called Emma “bland” and Madeleine a “clever” girl.

When she returned to the room, she was “shocked” by the others’ reactions. She apologizes for being harsh with Letitia and tries to pacify the teary-eyed girl. Anita was thankful to get out of that “awkward’ room and deliver her broadcast.

Lisa and Anita were “too safe” in their delivery and Emma was “too bland”.

During her ‘Top Model in One Minute’ report, Risikat announces there’s a thief in the house with “chunky thighs.” But let’s not take away her thunder.

Madeleine felt “confidence” with her “suave” performance. Gordon, however, is not as impressed. But I disagree. I think she has a great face…for radio.

Voice of a Siren

After Madeleine calls her a “crybaby”, Letitia starts to get angry. Anita tells her that the industry will “eat her up” for being weak but Letitia replies that she is not a crybaby; said with tears in her eyes.

After she dries her lids, Letitia goes up and delivers a “nice” monologue. Then, Gordon gathers the girls and announces that the winner is…

RISIKAT! She will be allowed to “spend time” with Elle. Just like the amount of tears Letitia has left, BINTM’s budget seems to be waning…

The next day, the girls attempt to make their rat-infested condo look “presentable”. After a hour of getting dolled up, Risikat is ready for her ̶d̶a̶t̶e̶ lunch with Elle.

During their luncheon on the grass, Risikat is starstruck by Elle. She stutters, sweats profusely, and shifts awkwardly during their discussion. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that Risikat was bewitched by the presence of this supermodel.

Under Her Spelle

After some more lesbian prodding by Elle, Risikat has been brainwashed into “wanting women to look at her”. In an attempt to impress her heiness, Risikat decides to walk for Elle. With the rhythmic swaying of her hips, Elle has been officially seduced by Risikat. She’s tired of boys and moving onto men!

After leaning in for the kiss, Elle is in a good mood. She decides to give the girls an Australian barbeque(she likes a little meat on her ‘Kats).

After the relaxing meal, the girls receive an E-Mail.

“It’s time to dive back into the toy box for your next photoshoot. Love, Elle.”

Sprawl House

The next day, the girls arrive at the photoshoot where they are met by Nicky Johnston. This terrifying Voldemort look-alike announces that the theme is “broken dolls”. Considering how he might break some souls during the shoot, it only seems fitting.

Madeleine had loads of personality during the shoot and got the seal of Nicky’s approval. Unlike the other girls, she had “confidence” despite her hideous horror-movie styling.

Pride of Chucky

Initially, Anita was “really nervous” and wanted to impress Nicky. By the end though, she was “brilliant” and made some great faces. Lisa, on the other hand, struggled with being “too pretty”. She had “anxiety” with being sweet and Nicky had to coax personality from her.

Roxanne “didn’t work” for Nicky. Even when he gave her direction, she didn’t have the right look. With a “face liked a slap ass” and “no personality”, Nicki grew increasingly frustrated with her.

Backstage, Risikat got “into the role” of her character. She got “really freaky” during the shoot and got a really strong photo. Emma also made some “lovely shapes” in the photos.

Letitia looked “great” during the shoot and had the “best movement”, despite her terrible clothes. Seriously, that outfit made her look like Barbie’s obese cousin.

I’m a Carbie Girl

But she still managed to impress. After the shoot, the girls receive an E-Mail.

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only six of you will continue on in the hopes of becomingBritain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

“First, we have American model and actor, Tyson Beckford, accompanied by fashion designer and icon, Whitney Port. Then, we have international designer Julian McDonald. And to round off the group, we have supermodel and head judge, Elle McPherson. Joining the panel we have famous Prada and Armani supermodel, Eron O’ Conner. ”

“The winner of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model will live in a London suite, vacation to Dubai, have a contract with Models1, have a six-page spread and cover of Company Magazine, lead a Revlon campaign, and have a contract with Ms Selfridge.”



Risikat: Erin likes the “character” but wants Risikat to “watch her body”. Whitney agrees, and notes that the “energy” is there.



Emma: Ella thinks that she’s a “ballerina”. Julian doesn't think that she’s fulfilling the brief but still looks pretty.



Anita: Tyson doesn't believe she fulfilled the brief but still managed to get a good shot. Erin likes Anita both in person and in her photograph.



Roxanne: Unfortunately, Julian calls it her “weakest picture”. Elle calls it “limp” but Whitney sees the “potential” in her.



Letitia: Tyson and Whitney like the “possessed” face, saying that it fits the brief.



Madeleine: Julian thinks that she’s lost her “fireworks”. Erin doesn’t like the “overdone” expression and calls her “frightening”.



Lisa: Despite being nervous, the judges love it. Erin loves the “composition” but Julian isn’t a fan of the “crumpled look.”

“Now the judges and I will deliberate and decide who will be leaving the competition.”

Tyson sees “confidence” in Risikat’s photo. Julian calls her a supermodel and Elle relays that she was a delight to work with. Whitney doesn’t like Emma’s picture but the judges see potential.

Erin loves Anita’s “mysterious interpretation” but sees Letitia as “uncomfortable.” Julian is “fed up” with Roxanne’s excuses and Elle applauds Madeleine’s risks. The judges are in agreement that Lisa needs to learn to overcome her setbacks.

“I have 7 beautiful girls before me, but only 6 photos in my hands. And these six photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

RISIKAT

ANITA
EMMA
LETITIA
LISA

“Will Roxanne and Madeleine please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands, and this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The girl who we think can still win this competition is…”

ROXANNE

Madeleine is “happy” for the experience and is ready to take the fashion world by storm.

Next week, the girls will take on two photoshoots as the competition intensifies. Relationships are strained as spiders are thrown into the mix. It’ll be a good one!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!