BINTM c9 episode 3: "The Big O-lympic"

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the 14 finalists walked in a bridal runway show. Unlike Kim Kardashian, Angel and Naomi remained committed to the marriage, earning them both a challenge win. At a shoot for Company Magazine, Emma and Naomi transformed into Covergirls. And even though Sarah, Saffron, and Danielle were three’s company in the bottom, it was Christina who failed to take cover, making her the first victim of elimination. Only 13 girls remain, who will be eliminated tonight?

After the first cut, the girls are dumbfounded at Christina’s exit. While some girls cry about losing a friend, Sarah basks in her self-absorbed confessionals, letting her big head grow unchecked.

Ready, Set, (E)go

With Sarah occupied being egocentric, the other girls read the Elle Mail without her company. “Out with the old, in with the new. Love, Elle.”

Worried that her brittle age of 20 makes her a target of “out with the old”, Holly is determined to do anything to retain her spot in the competition. Saffron, on the other hand, feels that her look is very modern and is unwilling to receive a makeover.

Make-Over & Out

The next day, the girls are met by the three judges for makeovers. Elle shows off her own transformation, a copper mane. Tyson tells them that to have longevity in the business; a model must have a “unique” look (read: half-shaven heads and branded scalps)

Dannii prompts them to “trust” in the salon, stating that these monstrosities are the work of an expert. Holly, however, states that she’ll cry at the mention of the words “red, pixie cut, or scissor”. So when a Communist lesbian appears…

Saffron is also scared of the consequences of scissoring. When Tyson brings the news of the potential cut, she refuses to undergo a makeover. So, she receives a stiff warning and quick wash instead. With some freshly watered roots, Saffron’s hair makes her racially ambiguous “beauty” look even more extraterrestrial…

B.E.T. Phone Home

When Holly is told of her minimalist makeover, she’s elated. Coming from the 2011 Miss Ireland pageant, Holly is shocked to see that this competition is more focused on making modeling “a career”. Naomi, who agrees that three magazine covers and a spread constitutes a “career”, celebrates with Holly over her lack of a dramatic makeover.

The other girls also receive amplifications of their existing styles, with Jessica earning a blowout and Emma getting Scandinavian blonde extensions. In order to assess Angel, however, Dannii decides to extract that artifact of a weave and inspect the ruins of Angel’s scalp. After clearing out the cobwebs and various clumps of glue, Dannii decides to cover Angel with new tracks before the remnants of her hair singe through exposure to sunlight and fresh air.

Abigail, anxious about going short, sobs when Elle reveals their plans for a bob. “I’ve had a bob before, and it just didn’t work!” Abigail weeps, reminiscing about her failed relationship with Bob Saget. Even though she ultimately decides to refuse the makeover, she still manages to stay in Elle’s good graces by showing off her perfect model body.

Thin & Bones

As the other girls receive their new looks, some start to stress about their opponents. Tyson spews with glee at Lauren’s hair; whenever he gets an erection, she spouts a new curl. Watching Lauren’s ringlets multiply by the second, Danielle starts to feel insecure about the judge’s lukewarm response to her. Emily feels upset that she went through with her difficult makeover while the other two opted out of the change. By the end of the day, after getting severely chastised by the judges, Saffron and Abigail worry about their chances in this competition. 

According To Gym

The next day, the girls are taken to a countryside manor, where they are met by Tyson Beckford. He introduces the girls to their next challenge, posing on a pummel horse with British Olympian, Louis Smith.

Emily was first on the pummel horse, matching the stark athleticism of the shoot. Angel and her Naomi Campbell-esque weave also brought the psychical energy, proving that throwing phones is an adequate workout. After Lauren and Naomi set the standard high during their shoots, Abigail was able to push through yesterday’s worries and deliver model-worthy photos.

Even though Laura and Sophie both posed effortlessly with Louis, Danielle had some struggles with body placement. Starting of in an “awkward position”, Danielle was unable to relax her face and pose with vigor. By the end of the shoot, even the Olympian had lost faith in getting a good photo.

Going For the Bronze

Sarah brought a sexiness to her shoot; making her the clear favorite for sexually frustrated Equus fans. Even with her lack of makeover, Saffron was able to show versatility in her photos. Likewise, Holly brought a range of strong poses during her shoot. Emma, the most unathletic girl, was initially terrified of the pummel horse. But despite her lack of muscle and small model size (weighing only 14 instagrams), Emma was able to overcome the psychical strain of the shoot.

After the models finished their shoot, they were treated to brunch at a London hotel. With the promise of getting high (tea), the girls were excited to “let their hair down” for a relaxing day. With the marijuana in full effect, the girls get overly sappy; praising the tea and calling the baby-cakes “too cute to eat”. The Communist lesbian disagrees…

After getting to know each other better, Lauren reveals that at the age of 15, her mother kicked her out; resulting in a few years of homelessness. Even though she got back on her feet, Lauren feels that modeling is going to help her and her pregnant sister succeed. After some words of encouragement, Lauren and the other girls toast to their futures.

Panel

After some consultation about her look, Tyson feels that Saffron could be more “elevated” if she gets cut shorter. While Dannii likes Emily’s makeover, Elle is nervous that she can’t pull it the androgyny. However, all three find Sophie’s photo to be “dynamic”.

Dannii raves over Emma’s face but finds the body shape to be lacking. Tyson attests to the fact that Holly got such a “dominating” shot in 3 frames. The two women love Naomi’s ability to transform on camera. Tyson joins the ladies in praise of Sarah.

Angel has a versatility which Laura lacks. Jessica and Danielle both fail to impress the women, while Lauren blows Tyson away (and more curls are born). While Elle loves her profile, Dannii believes that Abigail cannot shoot straight forward without a shorter hairdo.

“Of the thirteen of you, only nine of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”



















BOTTOM FOUR



Elle feels that Danielle lacks a synergy, and Tyson agrees, warning her that “less is best” for her. Dannii believes that, despite the tension in her face, relaxing her body can elevate her poses.

While the judges love the emotion in the photo, Elle wonders if losing her “security blanket” will bring out more in her face. Tyson is glad that he found Abigail’s best angles (profile) and Abigail is genuinely sorry that she refused the makeover.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”"

Laura, Saffron, you are safe."

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running. That girl is…”

DANIELLE

Even though her "heart is broken", Danielle is proud of making it this far.

Next time, the girls will go to a fitting for a runway challenge. Afterwords, they will pose with male models on a beach, where Naomi apparently had sex/gets bitten. So, until then

The Lady Is A Vamp

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two/four? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c9 episode 2: "Take Cover"

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, twenty-eight girls were narrowed down after a runway and make-up free photoshoot. Now, fourteen girls have moved into the Top Model house. Who will be eliminated first?

The girls are awoken by their first Elle Mail: “You have crossed the threshold into the Top Model house. And tomorrow is the day that every girl dreams of. Love Elle”

With whisperings of ‘first kiss’, ‘first date’, and ‘Madonna’s retirement’ in the air, the girls all anxiously await what the next day brings.

My Big Fat Chic Wedding

After a wake-up call of 4:00 A.M., the girls arrive at the National Bridal Show, where they will be competing in their first challenge. After being debriefed by Ian Stuart, a British fashion designer, the girls discover that they will be walking for an audience of 3000 people. One-by-one, the girls strut for Jade Parfitt, who will be giving them tips to better their ambles.

While Laura and Naomi leave Ian worried about the confidence of the girls, Jade feels that Angel has an abundance of attitude; a trait necessary for brides-to-be.

Pridezillas

After this initial walk, the duo decides that there will only be nine girls walking in the show. With Lauren and Emily as the alpha and omega brides, the girls are quickly chosen, leaving Emma, Abigail, Jessica, Sarah, and Danielle as the rejected bridesmaids.

While Sarah tries to contain her disappointment, the other girls quickly practice their walks. In the final minutes of preparation, Ian and Jade realize that the dress sizes call for a change in the lineup. Naomi is shifted in order to allow Emma a chance to be a bride. At the very prospect of being a bridesmaid, Naomi dissolves into 27 messes.

Jade attempts to calm Naomi; stating that in the modeling industry, there is always competition and a thick skin is vital. Ian, like a true groom at the altar, awkwardly states that this could have been avoided if her measurements were different.

You May Now Diss the Bride

After some time to cool down, the girls are ready to begin. Abigail tries to soothe Naomi by saying that “bridesmaids have more fun anyway”. With the promises of chugging a bottle of wine while clutching a tear-soaked bridal magazine after the show, Naomi is excited for the life of a bridesmaid.

Lauren opens the show off with a bang, with Sophie and Angel following suit. Jess and Danielle, despite being initially upset about their bridesmaid status, gave sultry walks. Likewise, Naomi and Danielle pushed through to serve a solid performance.

Even though she held the right amount of attitude throughout her walk, Jade felt that Saffron’s look didn’t match the atmosphere of the show. I, for one, disagree, and am happy to pronounce you…

Tan & Wife

Still, Ian loved her walk. Emily closed the show, looking dapper with a veil and body-clutching dress.

After the show concludes, Ian and Jade announce that the two challenge winners would receive a special prize. Angel, for her radiance throughout the entire day, took home the first prize. Due to her growth during the show, the second win was awarded to Naomi.

When they get home, the two victors are met with 500 pounds (£ not ‘pounds’, even though the differences are minute) worth of clothes and jewelry. While Naomi celebrates her win, the other girls cuddle atop her metric ton of clothes and begin to sob at their loss when they get an…

Elle Mail! “Are you in good company? Find out tomorrow. Love, Elle.”

Heads, Shoulders, (Compa)nies, and Toes

The girls are met by Dannii Minogue and the editor-in-chief of Company Magazine for a cover try. 

As the girls were preparing for the shoot, Sarah harbored some feelings of insecurity from last night’s critiques. Holly went up first, giving the photographer the right amount of sex appeal. Christina, on the other hand, went for more quirky and inspired poses.

Abigail was given the “too sexy” threat, but she managed to reel it in by the end of her shoot. When Sarah began her posing, Dannii had concerns about her outfit being too steamy. Even after changing into something less revealing, the fear of being “too sexy for Company” remained; prompting Sarah to start sobbing. Because the target demographic for Company is apparently ‘crying Disney princess’ fetishists.

Weeping Beauty

However, after some inspirational words from Dannii, Sarah was able to kick the kink and give cute subdued poses. Likewise, Saffron struggled with her angles after being chastised by the photographer. Danielle also brought a lackluster performance, making it difficult to choose a good photo.

Emma and Jess, on the other hand, impressed the photographer with an air of confidence on set. Lauren wowed Dannii with her versatility, being deemed the best of the day.

After the shoot, the girls return home to an elimination e-mail, which states that only 13 of them will continue on in the hopes of becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.

PANEL

Introducing a new format to judging, the girls have been given a chance to view their photos beforehand. While they confer, the judges deliberate to decide on a bottom four. Only those four girls will be given critique, and one will be eliminated.

While the judging triad is impressed by Holly, Tyson is put off by Danielle’s awkwardness. Dannii loved working with Jessica and her addictive personality, and Elle likes Emily’s feminine strength. Tyson thinks that Christina is either “always on or always off” and the women think she’s off.

With Angel and Lauren both having “top model bodies”, Abigail is seen as “tacky” in comparison. Dannii notes that Saffron was difficult from start to end, but some girls, like Laura and Naomi, worked since the beginning.

The other girls are given mixed criticisms, but one thing is for certain: a bottom four is clear.

“Of the fourteen of you, only ten of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”





















Bottom Four



With the bottom four announced, the judges assess the girls’ photos. Dannii tries to help her with her walk, and when her photoshoot in motion is shown, Saffron discovers that she needs facial variety. Elle wants Danielle to stop being “blocked with fear” and her walk reveals she is too stiff.

Tyson is nervous that Christina’s bubbly personality hasn’t translated well, and Dannii wants her to work on finding a balance between tranquility and insanity. While Sarah did the best on the runway, the judges feel that she didn’t fulfill the brief of the Company shoot. Now, the judges will deliberate to reveal the eliminated model.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”

Sarah, Saffron, you are safe.

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running. That girl is…”

Christina

She is, however, still grateful for the experience, and will continue modeling.

Next week, the girls will have their makeovers, where Abigail feels unattractive (makeovers=mirrors). Then, they will undergo a gymnastics photoshoot with a man. Don’t want to miss it!

BINTM c9 premiere: "The Cast & The Furious"

After a year to recover from last series’ jaffa-tinted failure, we venture across the pond for a novel cycle of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. There have been some changes to the judges’ table that we’ve all grown to know and love (?)

With his restraining order against mediocrity in full effect, Julian McDonald has resigned from being a BINTM judge. Likewise, last series sent Whitney Port running toward The Hills. The new judging triad consists of Elle McPherson, Tyson Beckford, and Danii, a woman famous for sharing the same womb as Kylie Minogue.

Elle and the gang manage to crop all 55 auditioners (a BINTM record!) into a mere 28 semi-finalists, which they immediately fly out into the bowels of London.

Before the judges begin their critiques, we get to learn a little about the girls. Sarah, who grew up on an Irish farm, is intimidated by this diverse competition. Sarah is fearful that the judges lack compassion; unimpressed that Carrie Bradshaw is only source of fashion knowledge.

Sex and the Pity

Angel M. is not impressed, stating that she’s more of a Miranda fan. When confronted by Angel O, she self-proclaims that she is the “Top Angel”. Now, if I remember correctly, Lucifer was also a top so…

Janay wants to be a “supermodel”. After demonstrating that she has a nice walk, Janay comments that she also has the brains; boasting an “A in maths”. Even though she really puts the bra in algebra, Janay is chastised by the other girls for choosing books over looks.

Before they get down to business, Elle reveals that the winner will be featured in a Revlon campaign, a TreSemeé ad, and be carted off to New York. She warns them that by the next two casting days, only 14 girls will be allowed into the Top Model house.

Walk the Line

After Danii tells the girls of their first runway challenge, they hectically sprint to the catwalk in preparation. One-by-one, the girls strut down while telling the judges a bit about themselves.

Emily, a former Cadet trainer for the Army, hopes to impress the judges with her determination. Even though Elle believes that Emily can serve great poses, Danii feels that serving the country is more suitable.

Usually a lover of women’s holes, Tyson uncharacteristically chastises Laura for having piercings. Lucy, on the other hand, is praised for being a University of Sussex scholar. While her love of tea charms Danii, her pussy(cat) is what really captivates Tyson.

Abi entrances the judges with her dance moves. While Tyson’s face reddens, his balls begin to match the color of Abi’s jeans instead.

When asked what her best feature is, Christina gloats about her big…personality. She insists that modeling gives her a buzz (is that what the kids are calling meth these days?)

Angel M. is also ecstatic about the competition. After she inhales puffs of air, she transforms into her alter-ego “A”. When she’s not terrorizing the cast of Pretty Little Liars, A can be seen as a “fierce diva”. Angel assures us that she’s not a psycho, but if those bangs are any indication…

The second Angel fails to impress. But before she falls from the judges’ good graces, Angel manages to serve up a killer walk. Holly, on the other hand, impresses all three.

During the judge’s deliberations, feelings are split about Emma’s presence. Angel, on the other hand, is lauded by all three as “striking”. While Tyson likes Saffron and Elle fawns over bubbly Christina, Danii is impressed with neither sugar nor spice.

To showcase the first cut, Elle and co. take the girls to a model stand to look for their photos. While eight of the girls face the end of the road, the 20 finalists continue on to the second day of casting.

Make Me Up Before You Go-Go

In a challenge to discern raw talent, Elle beckons the girls to pair up for a make-up free photoshoot. With their lack of cosmetics, the girls are only a couple of corn husks away from gracing the covers of Amish Weekly.

While the girls scrape off the make-up from their faces, worry starts to set in. Some girls are scared of their untouched noses (a.k.a. the Michael Jackson Syndrome) while others grew nervous at posing with a group.

Emma, Angel, Laura, and Hannah headline the first shoot. While all the girls had some minor upsets, Angel is especially upset for not bringing her “A” game. Instead of crying about her failures, Angel smiles manically; silently whispering the vowel over and over like a deranged Sesame Street character.

Brought To You By The Letter…

The second grouping of Lauren, Jessica, Claire, and Saffron doesn’t fare much better. With the toss of some hair and a bit of coaching from Elle, the girls manage to create a cohesive photo.

Before the shoot, Elizabeth’s nerves get the better of her. As the camera flashes, petrified Elizabeth bursts out crying. In an attempt to calm her down, Elle ponders “what’s the worst that can happen?”WRINKLES! Elizabeth weeps in mid-sob. Luckily, Elle is able to coax her, and the group starts to shoot. Despite wading in her puddle of tears, Elizabeth and the other girls are able to pose nicely.

When Angel O, Abigail, Danielle, and Naomi take the stage, there are some slip-ups. Angel is unable to give facial variety, and when given the “don’t look like a porn star” command by Tyson, Abigail transforms from a porn star to a

nevermind…

The final group consists of Alexandria, Sophie, Carly, and Sarah. While Sophie and Sarah nail almost every shoot, Carly and her nipple ring fail to pierce through mediocrity.

Now that all twenty semi-finalists have completed their photoshoot, the judges deliberate to pick the 14 girls who will make it into the Top Model house.

While they all praise Laura and Emma’s transformation on set, Tyson is uninspired by Christina. Elle is “gutted” by Angel O’s lackluster performance, and Danii wanted Carly to pose better. After a difficult deliberation, the groups are called in one at a time.

Hannah is cut from the first group for her lack of variety. Likewise, Claire is exiled from Group #2. While Elizabeth and Angel O. are chopped from the next two groups, Group #5 sees a double elimination with Alexandria and Carly both leaving.

With the fourteen finalists moving into the Top Model house, the competition heats up. Between all of the tears, fears, and queers, we’re in for a hell of a season! From snakes to underwater to even shooting with Paula Deen (pictured below), these girls are going to undertake an intense journey; but there can only be one

Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Mooooodel