BINTM c8 episode 3: Peacock Block

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls had one-on-one sessions with the judges. While some made lasting impressions, girls like Emma S and Kellie failed to imprint. In an Arabian royalty photoshoot, Penelope & Emma G ruled with an iron fist. With only 14 spots available in the competition, Diona, Louisa, & Anna did not receive their princess dowries. But in a shocking revelation, Amelia (Earhart) also chose to fly the coup. Now, only 13 girls remain. Who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

But before that, let’s talk about the new opening! Oh my! All of the girls look fabulous…well, at least all the ones that aren’t named ‘Madeleine”. 

I really think the producers have some sort of obsession with Anne’s crotch. Seriously, if I took a shot every time the camera zoomed in on Anne’s vagina, I’d probably succumb to alcohol poisoning. 

Cheers!

Anyway, the girls are très excited to move into the house. They squeal and squirm at the “amazing and glamorous” house. Compared to the cardboard box Lisa lives in back in Ireland, the Top Model house is a freaking mansion.

In the backyard, there’s a giant pink purse waiting for the girls. Everyone wants to see what could possibly come out of this demented Jack-in-the-Box. Thieves? Male strippers? A venereal disease? 

Pandora’s Bag

Fortunately, the girls got their panties in a bunch for nothing. Instead of something terrible (likewrinkles!), the only thing in the oversized clutch was an E-Mail.

It instructs them to randomly pick their roommates. Jennifer is upset about the possibility of having to bunk with Madeleine and insists on staying with Manne. 

After their choices, the girls are let into the house in groups to check out their new digs. Squealing ensues. Once they realize that the rooms aren’t the same length, the girls begin arguing about unequal distribution. It seems like these girls still don’t get it: size doesn’t matter. 

Another E-Mail ushers the girls to get dressed for a party.

WINE UP

The girls are taken to a cocktail bar in the hopes of getting to know each other better (and to hopefully unleash some latent lesbian tendencies for the rare male audience).

Penelope confesses that being in a house with 13 girls makes her “appreciate men”. Girl, it’s only been 12 hours, not a decade. 

Still, that doesn’t stop Anita from trying to “acquaint” herself with the bartenders. The other girls looked on as she spewed bad pickup line after bad pickup line. 

After getting rejected by the men, she rejoins the other girls to “let her hair down” and let the alcohol do its job.

Lez Out with Your Hair Out

Afterwards, last series’ winner Jade appears. She gives them a pep talk and reminds them that not everywinner’s career crumbles post-show (<Lianna>). 

Before they can sleep their hangovers (and heterosexuality) away, the girls receive another…

E-MAIL: “You’ll be taking a walk on the wild side. Love, Elle.”

BIRD IS THE WORD

The girls arrive at a safari where they are met by Matt Henry, the catwalk coach from Models1. 

One by one, the girls amble for him. Even though Tasmin, Anne, & Jennifer walk like drunken toddlers with broken legs, some girls still manage to impress Matt. 

Convinced that even newborn deer can strut better than these girls, Matt challenges them to walk with animals. The girls each select their furry co-stars.

Lisa is terrified that she has to walk with a snake wrapped around her, like a certain pop star.

Britney Fears

Still, she manages to get over her reptilian worries and serves a striking stroll. 

Anita is “fuming” about having the skunk (that joke just writes itself) and Madeleine is ecstatic about the meerkat. All in all, the girls did better in their second try on the runway, except for…

Emma S. Oh, Emma S. She had a chicken the size of a rooster and even though she tried to control it on the runway, she was not able to keep it from flying off the handle. It was very awkward. So awkward in fact, that the word ‘awkward’ is not enough to encompass her performance. Her terrible runway walk has beckoned me to create a new word:

COCKWARD

But still, someone managed to excel in this challenge. The winner, with the best walk, is…

RISIKAT!

This prompts a bitchfest amongst the girls. Anita doesn’t see Risikat as “competition” and Emma S is upset that she messed up. Penelope urges her to gain some “confidence” and stop moping. But nothing can stop Emma Sad’s tears. Nothing except an…

E-MAIL! “Modeling has its ups and downs, much like your next photoshoot. Love, Elle.” 

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTERFLIES

The girls are met by Bip Ling, who then introduces Jodie Fox, the co-founder of Shoes of Prey. She tells them that they will be posing in groups as butterflies in harnesses and Risikat gets the joy of working alone as her challenge win. 

Anne and Madeleine made an interesting pair. Even though they were “in pain”, the two made “beautiful, graceful shapes”. Speaking of beautiful shapes…

Bottom’s Up!

Tasmin and Letitia were up next. Tasmin had “gorgeous legs” and took advantage of the wires. Letitia was “brilliant”, much to the despair of Anita; who was convinced that she was always getting the “best makeup, dresses, and hair”. 

Kellie and Emma G had infectious energy and moved like “winners”. Bip said that they were the “best pair so far”. 

After seeing them embrace, Jodie was convinced that Emma S and Roxanne would look best “cuddling”. Even though it made the two uncomfortable, Bip reassured them that they had an “amazing” photo.

When Penelope and Jennifer came on set, they had “sizzling eye contact” and a certain “sex appeal”; using it to sell the product.

Shoes of Gay

But emulating Katy Perry proved too steamy for Jennifer. She started feeling light-headed and had to be hoisted down in the middle of the shoot. After taking a breather, she returned to the harness and finished her frames. 

Despite looking like a “deer in headlights” before the photoshoot, Anita and Lisa ended up looking like “beautiful fairies” in the air. 

The other girls are jealous of Risikat. They think that she’s lucky to “not share the limelight”. During her shoot, she was a mixture of “gorgeous” and “beautiful”.

E-MAIL! “One of you must pack your bags because one of you will be eliminated tomorrow.”

PANEL

Apparently, the British public has a very bad memory because we are yet again introduced to the judges:

First, we have American model and actor, Tyson Beckford. 
Next, we have fashion designer and icon, Whitney Port. 
Then, we have international designer Julian McDonald.
And to round off the group, we have supermodel and head judge, Elle McPherson.
Joining the panel we have Alisha Dixon, who is famous for some reason or another.

The winner of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model will live in a London suite, vacation to Dubai, have a contract with Models1, have a six-page spread and cover of Company Magazine, lead a Revlon campaign, and have a contract with Ms Selfridge. 

And yes, this is the only time I will give this long ass spiel. By the way, have you seen Elle?? She is giving some serious sex hair. It looks like Tyson’s pulling his weight, if you know what I mean...

Britain & Ireland’s Sext Top Model

Anyway, let’s move on to the judging.



Anita & Lisa: Whitney thinks that Lisa had a more “flattering” photo. Tyson is upset that Anita “lost the shoes” in the wide shot. 



Emma G & Kellie: Julian thinks that Emma G is a “sexbomb” but she is afraid to give “more (more more!)” Alisha believes that Kellie was “not quite there”. 



Emma S & Roxanne: Even though Alisha likes the “chemistry” between the two, Tyson is worried that Emma S isn't selling the product. Julian thinks that Roxanne is the aggressive superior girl in this photo.



Jennifer & Penelope: Elle is confused with Jennifer. She has a “rock and roll” persona but doesn’t have the actions to match. Whitney thinks that Penelope “dominated” this picture.



Madeleine & Anne: Tyson like the poses but is bothered by Madeleine being in the background. Alisha agrees, saying that she is immediately attracted to Anne and “those shoes”.



Letitia & Tasmin: The judges feel that Letitia is short compared to Tasmin. This fact, coupled with her torso’s angle, makes her boobs the real star of the photo. But the judges are hopeful for LeTITia.



Risikat: Alisha likes the pose and the exposure of the shoe, but Julian thinks that she looks “cheap”.

“Now we will be deciding who will stay and will be leaving this competition.”

Anita is “lost in the wind” while Lisa dominates. Tyson doesn’t see a model in Penelope but Whitney disagrees. The judges all like Jennifer.

They see vast improvement in Emma G and Kellie. Julian thinks that Roxanne outshines Emma S. Madeleine is very “hit or miss” whereas Anne “knocked it out of the park.”

Julian thinks that Letitia is destined to be a “page 3 girl”. The judges are hopeful that Risikat can go from “cheap to chic.”

So, who will eliminated?

“I have 13 beautiful girls before me, but only 12 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

ANNE

LISA
ROXANNE
LETITIA

KELLIE
ANITA
EMMA G
RISIKAT
MADELEINE
JENNIFER
PENELOPE

“Will Tasmin and Emma S please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

TASMIN

Hopefully Emma S comes to America and peruses a career as a professional Blake Lively doppelganger. 

Next week, makeovers bring dramatic changes. Lisa gets her hair chopped and Roxanne gets a “carrot on her <bleeping> head”. If modeling doesn’t work out, at least Roxanne can make a nice living doing rabbit porn. 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 2: What Happens In Dubai

The quest for Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model has begun. The hardships of becoming a model (I have to smile and pose?) have proved too stressful for two girls. So, after they quit, only 17 young ladies posed on the sands of Dubai. Despite Madeleine putting the ‘bitch’ in ‘beach’ during a swimwear shoot, Emma G, Roxanne, and their non-existent waistlines prevailed. Anita and Emma S sank during the shoot but unfortunately, it was Danielle who was eliminated.

Back at the aquarium, the girls are still reeling over the loss of Danielle. To distract them from the fact that Elle probably fed her to the sharks, they are brainwashed by the thumping beats of “Forget You”. 

Afterwards, a man in a scuba suit emerges from Danielle’s watery grave to deliver an E-Mail which tells the girls to strip down and meet the poolside judges. 

H2O HOES

One by one, the girls walk for the judges:

Whitney is not impressed by Anita. Julian thinks that he can see her on page 3 (of Playboy Magazine) but Elle insists that she is a glamour girl and can pull off “fashion”.

All of the judges are impressed by Roxanne’s sick body despite having a two-year-old son (and a one-year-old liposuction). However, childbirth may have messed with her equilibrium because she keeps on looking down during her walk. So, Tyson gets up to walk her: much like a man assisting a drunken party girl.

Heroine Chic

The judges are confused about Tasmin. They are not certain if she is a “Pole Dancer or Top Model” (someone copyright this before Bravo does!) Nevertheless, she has a “strong walk” and stands stiffly (much like Tyson’s penis after that pole dancer comment.)

Diona is grilled about her devotion to modeling. Whitney thinks that she’d make a better actress than model and Elle agrees; worried that “the model ship has already sailed”. 

Risikat is a little trooper. After four years of applying, she is very confident that this time, she will get into the house. It’s almost as if she sleeping with a judge…

But let’s not be silly.

Julian doesn’t see a model in Penelope. She insists that they can “make me a supermodel” and gets Tyson’s seal of approval. Sadly, this TV show plug doesn’t work on Julian; and he thinks that not even the “Wizard of Oz” can transform her. 

Jennifer’s tattoos bring about a conversation about body art. Elle, Julian, and Whitney think that models should be blank canvases for the designers’ clothes. Tyson takes the pro-tramp stamp role and helps Jennifer defend her ink. In the end, the judges are still iffy about her.

Tyson confronts MADeleine but she assures them that even though her face is brash, she is actually “extremely nice and loveable”. 

I’m cuddly, bitch!

Elle is afraid that Kellie is not standing out. Even though Kellie defends herself by saying that she hasn’t had time to adjust, Elle tells her that they kick out girls with “no voice”. I KNEW IT! ELLE MCPHERSON DISCRIMINATES AGAINST MUTES! 

As a whole, the judges can’t see a model in Emma S. (It’s like they’re attacking these girls sense by sense.)

On the other hand, Emma G is a strong force. Tyson calls her “quiet but deadly”, like the modeling version of a fart. Julian wants her to SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP (great plug, Living!) and if that ‘popping’ has anything to do with her bra; Tyson is on board.

Amelia has the personality of a young schoolgirl, and Elle fears that this cannot translate into fierce pictures. 

Letitia and her funbags immediately draw the judges’ attention. While Whitney worries that Letitia’s 32DDs will be a setback, Tyson and Julian silently call dibs on her twins.

Elle likes Anne’s goofiness but Julian disagrees. 
Julian: “She’s weird, she’s quirky, she has chunky thighs.”
Translation: “You can have this one, Tyson.”

After all of the one-on-ones, the girls retire to their hotel where they are greeted with an:

E-MAIL! “We want you to get over the hump.” 

The models (slowly) piece it together: they will be posing with a camel. Or as Tyson’s wet dreams.

But due to a freak sandstorm in the deserts of Dubai, the photoshoot is off. (Looks like the model god, Smizeus, is not pleased.)

ALI BABA & THE FORTY WEAVES

The girls will pose in groups as Arabian princesses. 

Emma S moved awkwardly throughout the shoot, prompting Elle to compare her to a mantis.

Eat, Pray, Love

While Letitia suppress her gravity-defying boobs, Madeleine and Anna work together to impress Elle and Julian.

Tasmin looked great and Louisa was having trouble standing out. Diona found it difficult to relax while Lisa relaxed too much.

Risikat’s crew had the ugliest outfits of the bunch. Elle is hesitant of the styling but believes that they can model through it.

Cafcant

With the shoot coming to a close, the girls are sad to leave Dubai, but ready to move into the Top Model house.

JUDGEMENT DAY

The judges are meeting for the final time in Dubai to decide which 14 girls will continue on in the competition. 

Tyson thinks that Anna has “harsh features”: which turns Anna to Manna. The judges are worried about Letitia because the first thing they see is her breasts. Considering her height, Letitia's photo is 50% boob.

Louisa, Lisa, and Diona all failed to impress. Whitney thinks that their group shot looks like the cast of a sleazy reality show.

Real Housewives of Dubai 

The judges are nervous about Emma S’ actions on set. She was kicking like a Rockette with Tourette’s and Elle is not pleased. Julian feels that Anita is worthless and as “common as chips”. 

Julian believes that Jennifer is “stealing all the attention”. Elle is impressed that Kellie modeled through the ugly caftan and Tyson calls Rissikat an exotic pu$$y. Meow.

Narrowing the pool down to 14 girls is difficult and the judges are not agreeing. At the end, they’re trading and collecting the polaroids like baseball cards. 

Go Fish

Eventually, they made the decision to keep 14 girls.

Elle has to deliver the news to the models. They meet at a clandestine location to reveal the final cast (and sacrifice the rejects to Smizeus).

Sacrificial Lamb Chops

So, the girls who are moving into the Top Model house are:

EMMA G
JENNIFER
LETITIA
KELLIE
AMELIA
TASMIN
LISA
ROXANNE
ANNE
MADELEINE
ANITA
EMMA S
PENELOPE
RISIKAT

But before the celebrations commence, there is one more announcement:

“Due to personal reasons, Amelia has withdrawn from the competition.” 

She probably foresaw makeovers and evacuated beforehand. I mean, wouldn’t this:

…make you want to run away? Anyway, this cycle is full of suprises. Like waterfalls. And snakes. And spiders on your vagina. 

So, until next time:

Bite Me

BINTM c8 premiere: Casting Couch

Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model begins with a collection of Jade’s winning looks. Our stunning host Elle McPherson introduces us and reminds us…the time has come to crown a new winner.

First, we are reacquainted with the judges. First, we have the fabulous Elle. She gloats that she wants the winner to be “unique and special”, even though the montage of her work flashing the screen proves otherwise.

Next we have Julian McDonald. He has ditched the mop of hair he wore for the last four years and lost weight like Star Jones. He insists that the winner has to be “young, fresh, and elegant”. At let's not forget: bootiful.

Then, we are met with the new judges. First, we have Whitney Port, who is apparently a very esteemed fashion person. She shares the stage with Tyson Beckford. He is listed as a famed male model and actor. But let us not forget his most famous role…

So, who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

Elle and the judges have cropped the thousands of audition tapes to the Top 20. They are all let into an English hotel, where they size each other up through talk and tea.

Even in the midst of the cattiness, one girl catches my eye.

Roxanne. Oh Roxanne. What can I say about Roxanne? It baffles me how one girl can be a doppelganger to so many people. It’s as if Angelea and Jade had a lesbonic fling and produce a child.

                      

 We Are Family

Other than the lovechild of two Top Models, there are more girls with interesting looks, i.e.: Anne and Lisa.

In the middle of tea time, Elle walks in and announces that the Top 20 will be walking in a runway show. They must dress and style themselves to showcase their personalities.

Run-A-Way

Despite the madness backstage, most of the girls shake off their pre-show jitters. Risikat wowed Elle on the katwalk while Emma S stumbled during her stroll.

Lisa, on the other hand, will do “anything it takes” to become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.

Anything, You Say?

Back on the runway, Letitia proved that she was a competitor with her “flirty walk”. Between her lettuce-like name and her sultry strut, Letitia can make a very seductive salad.

At the end of the show, Elle is upset that most of them were “terrified” walking down the runway. Not that having her at the end isn’t menacing enough.

       

Carrie, Eat Your Heart Out

Nevertheless, she is notably impressed by most of the girls. In fact, she implores that the decision is SO difficult for her without the judges that they will all be flown to DUBAI!

After a round of squeals, shrieks, and praise to unnamed deities, Elle reminds them that there will be an elimination.

All the girls are understandably excited, especially Vanessa; whose been away from her daughter during this: the “best experience of her life”. 97% of parents would agree.

Hello, Dubai

Once they touch ground in Dubai, all of the girls cackle in undecipherable accents about the pristine oceans and architecture.

In their hotel, they receive an E-Mail which states that tomorrow will be the next photoshoot. So, they take the day off “Dubai-style”; which apparently means going to the beach and nonchalantly tossing some balls around.

After about three minutes of volleyball, the girls retire to their sandy resort. Madeleine is angry (her default emotion) and talks about how annoying the girls are. Her and Anne tightly wrap themselves in their towels and hobble in the corner to discuss these girls’ antics.

                                        

Burritos, anyone?

On the other side of the beach, Vanessa is anxious and suffering from child withdrawal. She is a “nervous wreck” and doesn’t think she can handle being without. Even after Roxanne attempts to comfort her, not even the allure of being Britain’s Next Top Model can cheer Vanessa up.

    

Pep(si) In Her Step

All the girls head to their hotel and Madeleine is immediately annoyed by her roommates. She reiterates that she is NOT here to make friends and storms off during her argument with Anita. Then they play Ke$ha’s Blow. Fitting.

During her consultation with the judges, Elle announces that Catherine quit the competition because it was “too stressful.” She then commands Whitney and Tyson to mentor the girls during their first swimwear shoot.

Bikini Kill

The girls are met by Whitney and Tyson, who instruct them to hair and makeup. However, before the shoot, Vanessa requests a sidebar. She is “missing home” and thinks this “contest is too much pressure”. Tyson is upset but tells her “when one door closes, another one opens.” Just as long as that door leads to his bedroom.

During the shoot, Whitney and Tyson feel that Risikat is “comfortable” with the camera but Emma G stole the show. However, Anita struggled and brought the group down.

Whitney thinks that Louisa has a beautiful face and that Danielle is “lucky”. Tyson believes that Roxanne, Lisa, and Letitia are superstars. But they both agree: Anne is the “winner of the bunch”.

                                          

All Hail the Queef Queen

Julian greets the girls with an E-Mail. Unfortunately, one of the girls will be eliminated during breakfast.

At the deliberation, the judges are all in consensus that Anne, Emma G, Letitia, and Lisa are all stand-outs. They feel that Madeleine, Danielle, Penelope, and Anita are the ones who were struggling the most.

So…who will be eliminated?

All of the girls are anxious about the impending elimination. The next day, they go to an aquarium to eat breakfast and meet Elle.

Side note: is this how manta rays look like in Dubai? Did it eat a cheetah? I don't know.

                          

                                        

                                                                                Where the Wild Uggs Are

Anyway, we still have a girl to eliminate!

Elle comes up to the girls and they immediately stop eating (as if they started). She is very sorry to inform us that the girl who will not be Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model is…

DANIELLE

Now, only 17 girls remain. Next week the girls go head-to-head with the judges. At an Arabian princesses photoshoot, the heat is on during their final attempts to make it into the Top Model house.

Are you ready for BINTM cycle 8? Who are your early faves? What did you think of the two quitters? Who is in your ideal Top 14? Sound off in the comments below.