ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 5: "Lovin', Retouchin', Squeezin'"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, love was a battlefield. After posing with war veterans, the models received makeovers. While Ava got the highest honors, it was Stefano who suffered some Purple Heartbreak: becoming the second person eliminated. Now, only 12 models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

“Top 12, we’re here!” everyone screams as they enter the Top Model house. I don’t know what’s more horrifying, the fact that they said it in perfect unison or that this is the best crop of twelve models Tyra could find. 

Nevertheless, Ava sees her picture displayed on the wall and decides to party (in the back). I don’t know if she’s celebrating because that photo is the last existing piece of her without a mullet, but Ava walks into the Tyra Suite with glee. That is, until, she discovers that the Suite is full of mirrors and she’s forced to see the monster Tyra’s made her.

I know Ava’s a pretty religious girl, so she knows better than I what this mullet really represents. Much like the perils of Pharaoh, Tyra is bringing plagues upon the house until all of the bickering comes to a stop. Don’t believe me?

• Frogs. Between Ashley and Mamé, there’s a lot beautiful women looking for love. They must get princes by the end of the cycle, because the guys they’re kissing right now are more newt than cute.
• Darkness. There must be a shortage of light during the photoshoots, because Delanie and Hadassah were both criticized for not finding theirs.
• Lice, Gnats, and Fleas. This one is only speculated, but seeing as there had yet to be a scene with Mikey showering: I’d say he’s the first victim. No wonder Tyra didn’t cut his hair during makeovers!

While Ava is contemplating these disasters, Mikey and Ashley are in bed conceiving a firstborn (who will later be killed in the final plague of the season). 

While they’re lounging in the tub, Mikey notices that Courtney is outside sleeping during the brisk night. Judging by her grey hair, she probably just had a hot flash and needed to cool off. Still, Mikey fears that she is hopelessly in love with him and the “love triangle” is damaging to his relationship with Ashley. It’ll be a love octagon if we were counting his failed conquests as well, but let’s let that slide.

Bello calls Devin and Mikey the “mean girls” in the house and admits that they throw shade at everyone. I have to agree on this front; he always seems to be the sidekick when Mikey is starting confrontations. I’m surprised Devin even has a tan at all; considering how much time he spends in Mikey’s shadow.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from joining in when Mikey goes on another rampage. While dissing previous finalists’ runway walks, Mikey claims that DMA is like a “modelling gang.” It reminds me more of a group of high schoolers who steal purses, though. After all, they’re immature, have a blonde jock as their leader, and their biggest fight was with an elderly woman. Frankly, we should have seen the signs sooner…

After they make fun of people some more, Ashley and Mikey decide to go to sleep for the night. The problem is, with conjoined beds, everything that they did was felt by Bello. As he previously stated, he needs his “eight hours of sleep.” 

So when Ashley and Mikey’s fornication awakes him at the 7 hour and 57 minute mark, he is understandably frustrated. Mikey doesn’t care if Bello gets eight hours of eight minutes of rest, he wants to be the one in control. Too bad beauty sleep doesn’t apply to personalities…

Bello taunts the blonde, daring him to get disqualified for violence. Mikey, more concerned with ejaculation than ejection, decides to back off and ignore Bello for the rest of the night. He quips that Bello is dramatic like “some of the girls here” and bashes him with the rest of DMA. 

Looks like Mikey and Devin’s signs are as backwards as their views on women.

The next day, the models are taken to meet Anthony de la Rosa, a representative from NEXT Model Management. He educates the models about the world of retouching and how every image in the magazine has undergone some change.

Yu Tsai then prompts this week’s challenge. Each model will take photos for their “comp cards”, a small card that holds their information and image. Yu explains that sometimes instead of lengthy go-sees, designers will be looking for “business in the front” and choose models with the best comp cards. Ava’s mullet is ready for the challenge.

So, with the help of Yu and Anthony, the models will retouch their photos to create flawless comp cards. “Because no one is perfect,” says Anthony’s radiant skin.

Lacey, unfazed by much of the drama, performs well on camera. Hers was one of the most minimal uses of retouching. Mamé, on the other hand, was too worried about her rendezvous with Justin the night before to focus on the task at hand.

Justin may be JSmooth, but his skin sure isn’t. At this point, it looks less like a hickey and more like a bruise. This must be what dating a diplomat's daughter is like: Mamé likes it Rough Riders…

Mikey and Ashley take direction well and come in with a plan of what they want the card to look like. Devin, however, is less confident with the overall image. After he fails to control his eyebrow on set, Yu Tsai encourages Devin to “pose to cover up any flaws.”

Now that’s a real makeover!

Before he announces the winner, Yu Tsai reveals the prize: a romantic night out on the town for two. Hmm...wonder who could possibly win this one. Nyle & Ramon? Hadassah & her Nanny? Mamé & the Treaty of Versailles?

The not at all pre-determined winner is Mikey! In an interesting turn of events, he chooses to take Devin to the outing instead of Ashley. I know Mikey has only ever been on court dates, but doesn’t he know how to properly wine and dine a woman? 

Nevertheless, Ashley is a little upset about not being chosen and doesn’t wait up for Mikey. Guess Bello’s getting some sleep tonight!

Mikey explains that he chose Devin in order to have some bro bonding time. “We’ve both already been in some altercations.” he says before taking pompous selfies in order to goad a fight.

As if their pictures aren’t worth a thousand words, Devin and Mikey come back from their night out with a thousand more insults. Mikey declares that Ava’s picture “isn’t even that good” and wants to see it come off the wall.

I don’t know if he’s more interested in living in the Tyra Suite or sleeping in it, but Mikey insinuates that he and Ashley deserve to be there right now. Courtney relays that information back to Ava who rightfully puts the man back in his place. 

Mikey still manages to push Courtney into a corner and she ends up crying in the bathroom. He brushes it off as her being “too sensitive” for his friendship. Well maybe if you took her out for a nice dinner?!

After all of the messiness from the day before, the models are brought to a new day’s photoshoot. Similar to Mikey last night, this week’s theme is…

That’s right:after learning about the benefits of Photoshop, the models are now going to see some completely unretouched pictures. Yu Tsai explains that they must give extreme poses to match the sportswear they’re wearing. 

Lacey, Ava, and Mamé all work toward elongating their features during the shoot. Dustin, however, still has trouble looking big and strong. Even after showcasing his muscles, Dustin still looks like a kid in sports clothing.

Devin decides to do some unique posing and reposition the set. Erik Asla is a little confused but decides to trust him. At least one of those eyes has to have an artistic vision!

Similar to Devin, Mikey and Ashley did well incorporating different shapes and forms during the shoot. Courtney, on the other hand, had troubles adapting to the set. She tries to climb one of the pieces and starts shaking.

Yu Tsai and Erik are worried about Courtney falling but luckily, she’s the spokesperson for Life Alert. In the end, she pulls out a nice photo, wrapping up the shooting day nicely.

Panel


The judges immediately love Mame’s hair. Kelly claims that the “rockstar” could have had more intensity in her neck but overall, the strength is there. Nyle, however, needs to exude more personality on set. Tyra likes the twist he’s doing to make his waist look more toned though.

Miss Jay loves the length of Lacey’s stature. Kelly wants to buy the clothes, which means the model is doing her job. With Dustin’s image, Tyra feels that he’s relying on his good looks.


Kelly thinks that Hadassah has a great body, but needs more tension to make it look good on film. Tyra loves Justin’s body, but feels like he uses it too much.

Miss Jay commends Devin for trying out different poses and Tyra agrees, calling it the “right energy.” She also laudes Ashley’s “owl neck tooch” and Kelly agrees, calling it dynamic.


Miss Jay is worried that Courtney doesn’t deliver enough personality in her pictures. Tyra believes that her face is strong, but not enough to carry the photo. With Ava,all the judges agree that she looks long and strong.

Tyra likes that Bello extended his arm, making his chest appear wider. The opposite is true for Mikey. While Tyra likes the juxtaposition between strong and soft, Miss Jay thinks that the pose is too “feminine”.
Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

LACEY (37.2)

MAME (36.1)

DEVIN (35.4)

MIKEY (34.7)

ASHLEY (33.8)

BELLO (33.5)

NYLE (31.9)

AVA (31.5)

COURTNEY (31.4)

JUSTIN (31.4)

“With a score of 30.5 to 28.4, the model that says in the competition is…”

HADASSAH

And with that, Dustin is eliminated. He was pretty distraught over missing prom to be here but I’m sure with the tens of teenage girls who watch this show, he’ll have plenty of other chances to impregnate someone on a boat.
Next week, the models take on a “fashion exorcism” photoshoot and the tensions between Hadassah and Mame reach a boiling point. Will the diplomat’s daughter start a war? Will DMA go completely MAD with power? Will Bello’s sleep be interrupted again?

You won’t want to miss it. Until next week!