BINTM c8 episode 2: What Happens In Dubai

The quest for Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model has begun. The hardships of becoming a model (I have to smile and pose?) have proved too stressful for two girls. So, after they quit, only 17 young ladies posed on the sands of Dubai. Despite Madeleine putting the ‘bitch’ in ‘beach’ during a swimwear shoot, Emma G, Roxanne, and their non-existent waistlines prevailed. Anita and Emma S sank during the shoot but unfortunately, it was Danielle who was eliminated.

Back at the aquarium, the girls are still reeling over the loss of Danielle. To distract them from the fact that Elle probably fed her to the sharks, they are brainwashed by the thumping beats of “Forget You”. 

Afterwards, a man in a scuba suit emerges from Danielle’s watery grave to deliver an E-Mail which tells the girls to strip down and meet the poolside judges. 

H2O HOES

One by one, the girls walk for the judges:

Whitney is not impressed by Anita. Julian thinks that he can see her on page 3 (of Playboy Magazine) but Elle insists that she is a glamour girl and can pull off “fashion”.

All of the judges are impressed by Roxanne’s sick body despite having a two-year-old son (and a one-year-old liposuction). However, childbirth may have messed with her equilibrium because she keeps on looking down during her walk. So, Tyson gets up to walk her: much like a man assisting a drunken party girl.

Heroine Chic

The judges are confused about Tasmin. They are not certain if she is a “Pole Dancer or Top Model” (someone copyright this before Bravo does!) Nevertheless, she has a “strong walk” and stands stiffly (much like Tyson’s penis after that pole dancer comment.)

Diona is grilled about her devotion to modeling. Whitney thinks that she’d make a better actress than model and Elle agrees; worried that “the model ship has already sailed”. 

Risikat is a little trooper. After four years of applying, she is very confident that this time, she will get into the house. It’s almost as if she sleeping with a judge…

But let’s not be silly.

Julian doesn’t see a model in Penelope. She insists that they can “make me a supermodel” and gets Tyson’s seal of approval. Sadly, this TV show plug doesn’t work on Julian; and he thinks that not even the “Wizard of Oz” can transform her. 

Jennifer’s tattoos bring about a conversation about body art. Elle, Julian, and Whitney think that models should be blank canvases for the designers’ clothes. Tyson takes the pro-tramp stamp role and helps Jennifer defend her ink. In the end, the judges are still iffy about her.

Tyson confronts MADeleine but she assures them that even though her face is brash, she is actually “extremely nice and loveable”. 

I’m cuddly, bitch!

Elle is afraid that Kellie is not standing out. Even though Kellie defends herself by saying that she hasn’t had time to adjust, Elle tells her that they kick out girls with “no voice”. I KNEW IT! ELLE MCPHERSON DISCRIMINATES AGAINST MUTES! 

As a whole, the judges can’t see a model in Emma S. (It’s like they’re attacking these girls sense by sense.)

On the other hand, Emma G is a strong force. Tyson calls her “quiet but deadly”, like the modeling version of a fart. Julian wants her to SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP (great plug, Living!) and if that ‘popping’ has anything to do with her bra; Tyson is on board.

Amelia has the personality of a young schoolgirl, and Elle fears that this cannot translate into fierce pictures. 

Letitia and her funbags immediately draw the judges’ attention. While Whitney worries that Letitia’s 32DDs will be a setback, Tyson and Julian silently call dibs on her twins.

Elle likes Anne’s goofiness but Julian disagrees. 
Julian: “She’s weird, she’s quirky, she has chunky thighs.”
Translation: “You can have this one, Tyson.”

After all of the one-on-ones, the girls retire to their hotel where they are greeted with an:

E-MAIL! “We want you to get over the hump.” 

The models (slowly) piece it together: they will be posing with a camel. Or as Tyson’s wet dreams.

But due to a freak sandstorm in the deserts of Dubai, the photoshoot is off. (Looks like the model god, Smizeus, is not pleased.)

ALI BABA & THE FORTY WEAVES

The girls will pose in groups as Arabian princesses. 

Emma S moved awkwardly throughout the shoot, prompting Elle to compare her to a mantis.

Eat, Pray, Love

While Letitia suppress her gravity-defying boobs, Madeleine and Anna work together to impress Elle and Julian.

Tasmin looked great and Louisa was having trouble standing out. Diona found it difficult to relax while Lisa relaxed too much.

Risikat’s crew had the ugliest outfits of the bunch. Elle is hesitant of the styling but believes that they can model through it.

Cafcant

With the shoot coming to a close, the girls are sad to leave Dubai, but ready to move into the Top Model house.

JUDGEMENT DAY

The judges are meeting for the final time in Dubai to decide which 14 girls will continue on in the competition. 

Tyson thinks that Anna has “harsh features”: which turns Anna to Manna. The judges are worried about Letitia because the first thing they see is her breasts. Considering her height, Letitia's photo is 50% boob.

Louisa, Lisa, and Diona all failed to impress. Whitney thinks that their group shot looks like the cast of a sleazy reality show.

Real Housewives of Dubai 

The judges are nervous about Emma S’ actions on set. She was kicking like a Rockette with Tourette’s and Elle is not pleased. Julian feels that Anita is worthless and as “common as chips”. 

Julian believes that Jennifer is “stealing all the attention”. Elle is impressed that Kellie modeled through the ugly caftan and Tyson calls Rissikat an exotic pu$$y. Meow.

Narrowing the pool down to 14 girls is difficult and the judges are not agreeing. At the end, they’re trading and collecting the polaroids like baseball cards. 

Go Fish

Eventually, they made the decision to keep 14 girls.

Elle has to deliver the news to the models. They meet at a clandestine location to reveal the final cast (and sacrifice the rejects to Smizeus).

Sacrificial Lamb Chops

So, the girls who are moving into the Top Model house are:

EMMA G
JENNIFER
LETITIA
KELLIE
AMELIA
TASMIN
LISA
ROXANNE
ANNE
MADELEINE
ANITA
EMMA S
PENELOPE
RISIKAT

But before the celebrations commence, there is one more announcement:

“Due to personal reasons, Amelia has withdrawn from the competition.” 

She probably foresaw makeovers and evacuated beforehand. I mean, wouldn’t this:

…make you want to run away? Anyway, this cycle is full of suprises. Like waterfalls. And snakes. And spiders on your vagina. 

So, until next time:

Bite Me