ANTM c19 episode 9: Jamaican Me Crazy

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were sent on go-sees. After Markus Barrington (who I’d rather come and see) announced Laura the winner, the girls took on a shoot at prison. Even though she blended into her orange jumpsuit, Laura and her tan got out for good behavior. Despite Victoria getting twenty years to life, it was Brittany who received the death sentence. But then Tyra announces that she will reveal the comeback contender! So, who will return to the competition? And who will be eliminated tonight?

After Tyra instructs her bodyguards to release the eliminated girls from the island of misfit decoys, she announces that one of them will return. She promises them a chance to join the others at the international destination; which is…JAMAICA!

While the other girls ecstatically fantasize about the olive-skinned men of Jamaica, Laura’s skin sizzles at the thought of the tanning opportunities to come.

3^rd Cock from the Sun

After Laura applies her ninth coat of sunscreen, Tyra reviews the social media scores of the eliminated girls. One by one, the amount of returning girls, just like Tyra’s fertile egg count, diminishes:

Destiny (4.53)
Darian (4.64)
Yvonne (4.76)
Jessie (5.04)
Brittany (5.41)

And with a score of 5.84 to 5.44, the girl returning to the competition is…

Leila

All the girls, in a collective sigh, express their fear of Leila’s retaliation. Noticing their fleeting chances at the title, the girls take Kristin Loman’s lead to save themselves from the next four weeks of inferiority.

Death of a Failsman

But with her blinding hair and even brighter skin, Laura is ready to take on the biblical Goleilath.

Back in the house, Nastasia is excited to “go somewhere”. Victoria feels “lonely” and wants to talk to her mother for words of encouragement. Laura, on the other hand, isn’t letting anything “hold her back.”

Just Dance

The girls arrive at the Half-Moon Resort (Tyra had to show her half moon to pay for that!) where they are greeted by stereotypical Jamaican dance. Tyra welcomes them in her native weave and initiates a celebration.

Kiara immediately grinds with her tour guide Korey, who kisses her to the beat of Tyra’s drumming circle. I might not be an expert in Jamaican wedding customs, but I’m pretty sure they’re married now.

The Honeymooners

Meanwhile, the other girls dance with their male models, who are (unwillingly) festive about Jamaica’s switch from British rule to Tyra’s reign. Under this new Tyranny, the girls receive a quick teach about the differences between smizing and tooching.

Despite the royal decrees falling out of Tyra’s mouth, Kiara manages to flirt with Korey. Who knew Smizese was the new language of love…

After Tyra pays Kiara’s dowry, the girls are met by Jonte. He introduces Konshens, who is a famous dancer and singer. Konshens challenges the girls to a dance-off, where the winners will receive $3,000 worth of ‘jewelry’. Now that a boatful of colored beads is on the line…

Victoria tried to not make an ass of herself. Nastasia and Kiara on the other hand, were just asses. Korey approves. Kristin didn’t want to look stupid, so she left Laura to give “attitude” alone. And by “attitude”, she means shaking her terribly gold-encrusted vagina.

All That Glitters Is Not Mold

She’s really putting the ‘best’ back in ‘asbestos’! After the three teams finish ‘dancing’, Konshens judges them using his ever so accurate equation:

After much consideration, Laura/Kristin receive a 7, Leila/Victoria get an 8, and the winners, Nastasia/Kiara, are granted a 9.

Back in the house, Kristin and Laura gossip about Leila. Kristin feels that she can only take “nice photos” and not well-rounded enough to be a top model. Laura agrees but still feels threatened by her in this competition.

The Raft of Khan

The next day, the girls are met by Johnny Wujek and Rob Evans on a raft. They are introduced to the Martha Bay River, which will serve as the backdrop of this shoot.

According to Johnny, the premise of the shoot is a love triangle between Rob and a male model of the girls’ choosing. Obviously, Kiara picks the old ball n’ chain. Unfortunately for her, that outfit is not doing her any favors. For the preservation of her marriage, let’s hope that Korey likes his women curvy.

Here Comes the Wide

Nevertheless, she was able to keep her affairs in order. Laura on the other hand, had trouble connecting to the men and the camera.

Even though she’s too much of a square for a love triangle, Nastasia was able to use her angles and still remain in character. Rob, who entirely misunderstood the term ‘comeback’, was ecstatic to ejaculate on Leila’s torso. Fortunately, she still found it easy to engage all elements of the shoot.

Victoria easily created her aristocratic character but failed to emerge as an ‘artist’. Johnny was also unimpressed with Kristin, questioning her place in the top 6. Even after some mentoring, she was unable to follow direction well. Within the first two minutes of the shoot, you can tell Johnny is contemplating whether or not to replace Kristin in the middle of that triangle…

To Seamen or Not To Seamen

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becomingAmerica’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."



Nastasia: Kelly loves the body posture but Tyra is not pleased with the hoochy tooch. Despite their 8 and 7, Rob loves the “queen of the jungle” and gives her a regal 10.



Leila: Kelly and Rob call her “amazing” and give her 8’s. Tyra, like the fans, thinks she failed, and deems it a 6.



Kiara: The judges are left hazy by the disconnection and it’s stiff. But enough about Rob. She gets two 6’s and a 7.



Victoria: Kelly connects it to a Celine Dion ad and with Rob, gives her a 6. Tyra agrees, calling it an “overthought” 7.



Kristin: Rob compares the bottom half to a “lap dance”. After he gives her a 7, Kelly calls it a 7. Tyra gives her an 8 and a ‘lesson’ on how to let loose…



Laura: Kelly loves the “Barbie Rapunzel” and awards her an 8. Tyra and Rob settle on 9’s.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

NASTASIA (39.3)

LAURA (38.9)
LEILA (34.9)
KRISTIN (33.3)

“Will Kiara and Victoria please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.5 to 31.3, that girl is…”

KIARA

But don’t cry for her, Argentina! Victoria gives an eloquent speech about how thankful she is for the experience and grateful to Tyra.

Next week, the girls will shoot in a “dangerous waterfall” where apparently, Leila burns her vagina. Sounds hot. So until next time…

The Labia Who Played With Fire

BINTM c8 episode 12: See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Pier No Evil

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls traveled to Toronto, where they got high. After a commercial at the CN Tower, the women then went on go-sees; where Risikat was deemed victorious. At a shoot in the Niagara Falls, Anita and Emma created a splash. And even though Lisa failed to make waves, it was Risikat whose dreams of modeling were washed away. Now, only four girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

As the competition reaches its climax, the girls are feeling more and more “nervous” about each elimination. While all four of them have things to work on, the women feel that they CAN become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.

Two Girls, One Stanley Cup

Following the stressful panel, the girls are given a rare break from the competition to do “something Canadian”. They are driven to the Centre of Hockey Excellence where they are met by a professional ice hockey team. Almost immediately, Anita gets aroused by the smell of testosterone. Because if they’re missing teeth, she’s missing her pants. By the end of the game, despite doing terribly, Anita thoroughly enjoyed the 2-man advantage:

To the Penalty Cox!

It was also a nice bonding experience for the other girls. Lisa and Anita became closer after their experiences with the cherry pickers while Emma and Letitia bonded over their growing phenomena.

After the game, the girls receive an E-Mail:

“As a model, you’re always judged by your style. So be prepared to put your fashion knowledge to the test. Love, Elle.”

As the four girls ponder this next challenge, a clear rift between Letitia and the others begins to form. They see her as “cold” and “only here for the competition”.

On The Streets

The next day, the girls are met by Jeanne Baker at the “fashionable” Yorkville Avenue. As the social correspondent for Fashion TV, Jeanne joins the girls in a cruise around Toronto to find the “stylish Canadian woman”. With results like these, I’m lucky to live in America; a land not infested with fat women in fitted leather jackets…

The Right to Remain Diet

After Jeanne arrests the woman for countless crimes against fashion, she quizzes the girls on international brands. What should be an easy task for some causes brain aneurysms for these models. Even after stating that Michael Kors is “big”, Letitia still cannot identify the obese man correctly.

After an embarrassing minute of interviews, Jeanne judges the four. She calls them different shades of awful but deems Lisa the “most passionate” and awards her a nice out on the town.

Leaving Anita behind with Letitia, Lisa chose Emma to go to dinner with her. After arriving at a shadyrooftop, the two girls are met by Shanae Grimes. At this point, you can tell Living is really bending the budget. Seriously, the 90210 star’s outfit seems fully comprised of clips and snippets from the dollar store.

Shanae Dimes

While Shanae and the girls feast on half-eaten burgers and other dumpster diving delicacies, Letitia and Anita also engage in some cheap fun. With just the minimalist tools of wine and a hot tub, the two girls grow closer. After licking each others’ wounds (literally?), they receive an E-Mail.

“Tomorrow it’s time to head to the stunning lakes. Make sure your photos are as beautiful as the location. Love, Elle.”

As Letitia and Anita jacuzzi rendezvous turns the cameras steamy, Lisa and Emma toast to making it to this point.

Nothing to Pier but Pier Itself

The next day, the girls are met by Julian McDonald at the Muskoka Lakes. He challenges them to be “playful and young” for the shoe brand they are portraying today.

At the beginning, Emma was very “nervous” about her surroundings. But after easing into the shoot, she began to deliver “stunning” photos. Having something to prove, Lisa came into the shoot with “lots of energy”. She followed the photographer’s direction and, like a certain country singer, gave him the lovelorn look he desired.

Pierdrops on My Guitar

Anita also impressed with her radiance. She gave the photographer lots of variety and expressions throughout. Similarly, Letitia gave “great shapes” and astounded the photographer with her “wow” factor.

By the end of the shoot, Julian is impressed by all four girls, unsure of which girl had the worst performance. Afterwards, the women receive an E-Mail.

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges and one of you will be eliminated.”

PANEL

Joining the judges this week, we have fashion publicist extraordinaire Kelly Cutrone.

Side-note: have the Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model staff gotten so cheap that they’re resorted to holding judging in their home? I know it might be them trying to be culturally sensitive, but are the girls really sitting on stumps? Are they so poor that they had to steal trees to create chairs? All around Britain, environmental activists are crying…


Tree Muggers

But I digress…



Emma: While Emma herself doesn’t like the shot, Elle calls her a “70’s superstar”. Whitney thinks it’s “pretty” but it’s not her best. Kelly agrees, calling it “alright”.



Letitia: Other than having stiff limbs, Whitney likes the “story telling” in her face. Kelly and Tyson agree, not loving the tension in her body. Julian was worried during set, believing that she “still isn’t performing” at this level.



Lisa: Elle “knows” that she has the goods but can’t believe that Lisa has “the same look”. Julian and Tyson agree, calling her “self-conscious” of her body. Even though she’s a “vortex”, Kelly calls Lisa’s pictures too “two dimensional.”



Anita: Whitney thinks that the photo is amazing from “the waist down”. While the other judges agree, Julian loves the way the shoes look. Kelly however, warns her that this wouldn’t cut it in the fashion industry.

“Now the judges and I will deliberate and consider your body of work. When you return, I will announce the three girls who are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.”

Julian thinks that Emma has the “goods” but is the “least interesting”. Elle believes that she has a “quiet confidence” and Whitney states that she “might never be cast.” With Letitia, the judges are concerned that she is “hit or miss.” Kelly believes that she won’t have the “edge” of a room but Tyson says that she “seduces” a crowd.

The judges are in unison about Lisa: she is a “one trick pony”. Kelly feels that her “trick” isn’t good enough to continue. Tyson loves Anita’s shot and Julian calls her body a “model body”. Kelly and Whitney believe that she would be able to be cast.

With deliberation going deep into the night, the judges argue about what is more important: having an “iridescent” personality or having a “mesmerizing” look in photos.

“Four beautiful models stand before me. But I only have three photos in my hands. And these three photos represent the three girls who will be in the final. The first finalist and the girl with picture of the week is…”

ANITA

EMMA

“Only Lisa and Letitia stand before me. And I only have one photo in my hands. This decision was difficult because your bodies of work are both so strong. But only one girl can move on. The girl who is still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model is…”

LETITIA

Even though Lisa is “absolutely gutted”, she is inspired to continue on with fashion. Despite leaving the “best experience of her life”, she is ready to take on the industry.

Next week, the final three girls compete for the crown of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Will it be Anita, the girl who started off at the bottom but grew to become one of the biggest threats? Will it be Emma, the girl who consistently impresses in photos but fails to let her personality shine? Or will it be Letitia, the girl who lights up a room but still never manages to come out on top? Only one episode separates a girl from her dream, so until then!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Are you content with the final 3? Who's your pick to win? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

ANTM c19 episode 8: The Longest (Avant) Garde

News Flash! We interrupt your regularly scheduled recap to bring you news on America’s Next Top Model cycle 20. After a year spent learning the new international tooching laws, Tyra will be reinstating cycle 20 for the summer of 2013. During this time, thousands of men will go through hard auditions (Tyra’s not a fan of flaccid) and in the end, seven of these gentleman will penetrate the gender barriers of Top Model.

But with the recent news that Tyra wants to conceive a child, don’t feel too sorry for the rejected hommes. Just like her legs, I’m sure that the role of Tyra’s sugar daddy is open to all.

Mamma Who Whore Me

Now that’s a spring awakening you don’t want to miss! So until she gets her own dating/procreation show(I Will Always Love Youterus), we’ll just have to settle for her latest college-themed menstrual cycle:

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to commit crimes of fashion random acts of modeling. After Laura proved adept at mundanely smizing, the women took on a grungy shoot at a motel. While Nastasia and Brittany rose from the ashes, Laura regurgitation left the judges wanting more. But unfortunately, it was Allyssa whose dream of becoming America’s Next Top Model was licked clean. Now, only 6 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back in the house, the girls are still in shock at Laura’s bottom 2 appearance. She’s been though “a lot” but now, wants to “put it in God’s hands”. Forget about genocide, world hunger, and Christina Aguilera’s career, Laura’s chances in this competition get first priority in the eyes of the Lord!

On the other side of heaven, Brittany has received a letter from her sister, which leads her to a flood of tears. Let’s paraphrase, shall we?

“Dear Brittany, for the love of Disney, please stop crying. You’re really putting the ‘wa’ back in Walt.”

-Signed, Piglet

During dinner, the girls converse about Victoria. Kristin and the others are “concerned” about her stability but she wants them to “just drop it”. If by ‘it’, she means ‘three pounds’, then I’m game!

TYRA MAIL! “A good first will get you more bang for your buck. Love, Tyra.”

Cast Friday Night

The next day, the girls are met by Kelly Cutrone and Markus Barrington, the super hot agent from LA Models. Even Kelly, whose dressed in her usual attire, lights up when this beautiful specimen enters the room. Unfortunately for her, the juxtaposition of these two makes her feminine wiles much less desirable.

Beauty and the Yeast

Then he speaks! Markus serenades us with his angelic voice: the girls will have 5 hours to go to 5 castings. Each designer will only book one girl but one girl can book more than one designer. Sigh…with all this talk of booking, I’d jump on his ‘dic’tionary anyday…

And with that, the girls are off! Kristin and Brittany decide to venture to Guess, the most important client, first. They are impressed by the “contender” Kristin but feel that Brittany is “too girl next door” for their brand.

In I <3 Ronson, Kiara’s tone was “unprofessional”. Nastasia, on the other hand, had a “sophisticated” look that the client loved. At Whitney Port’s, there was an awkward mood during Victoria’s interview. Whitney felt that she was “trying too hard”.

During the Cecilia Cassini casting, Kiara impressed the 13-year-old with her “flare for fashion”. Victoria was declared “too boney” for the line and Nastasia had issues with her height.

At Lulu Guinness, Laura was praised for her “statuesque presence”. Kristin, on the other hand, was criticized for being “too uptight”. And by “too uptight”, I’m pretty sure that Lulu means “doesn’t have collagen the size of baby cattle.”

Veal It with a Kiss

After Lulu leaves them with a stiff upper lip (literally!), Laura and Nastasia are worried about time management. Laura is alarmed at the small amount of time left and proceeds to waste time crying about how they can’t get to Guess in time. In the end, they still go and manage to return to Smashbox Studios in time to see…

Me smashing Markus’ box. Oh, how a boy can dream. Anyway, he tells them the positive and negative feedback from the clients and the bookings are:

Nastasia- Lulu Guinness
Kiara- Cecilia Cassini
Kristin- Charlotte Ronson
Laura- Guess & Whitney Port

So in the end, Laura receives her third challenge win. In addition to another $1,000 deposit into her scholarship bank, Laura also won the girls a fabulous dinner in LA.

While the girls are enjoying a nice festive meal, they get harassed by an overgrown beaver with tanorexia, a.k.a. P’Trique. He gives them a…

TYRA MAIL! “A top model knows her best angles. So make sure you stay in line and keep a straight face. Love, Tyra.”

Just like half of these girls, the amount of fucks I give about this man are equal to the amount of chins Brittany has:


Less than Two

When they return to the house, the girls are excited to see their overall challenge scores. Laura and Kiara top the pack with 7.5 while Kristin suspiciously scrapes the bottom with a 6.5.

Prison of a Bitch

The next day, the girls are taken to a conservatory. After the booking process, Johnny greets them and gives them the pat-down: the theme of this photoshoot is ‘50’s retro bad girls in a fashion mug-shot.

Victoria and her country bumpkin persona didn’t impress Johnny. After calling her “too intense”, she began to take some “amazing” shoots.

Kristin, on the other hand, had trouble focusing. Despite her amazing look, the photographer was worried that he would be unable to find “great shots.”

Nastasia embraced her “tough” character and worked “her whole body” during the shoot. Brittany, on the other hand, had difficulty understanding her story.

Even after some advice from Johnny, her exposure was anything but indecent. I swear, if you don’t willingly do a naked booty tooch with Johnny Wujek in a prison, you don’t deserve to be America’s Next Top Model!

The Shawshank Conception

Luckily, Kiara doesn’t have this problem. In fact, she is too at home at the jail, seeing as she was arrested at the age of 18. She harnessed that anger to produce a stunning set of photos.

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

All of the girls are nervous about the impending elimination since their challenge scores are all so close.

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

Side-note: What on Earth is Tyra wearing? Why is she draped in a mullet dress? Is she proud of shaving her legs for the first time in a decade? Is she trying to seduce the Scissor Sisters?


Let’s Have a Thigh-Thigh

But just like Tyra’s biological clock, we don’t have time to waste; let’s move to judging.



Kristin: Kelly is impressed by her “high fashion” pose and with Rob, gave her an 8. Tyra agrees, and deems it a 7.



Nastasia: Even though Rob didn’t like the “dead eyes”, he and Kelly gave her a 7. Tyra likes the height of her legs and gives her an 8.



Victoria: Kelly finds it “upsetting” and gave her a 6. Rob and Tyra like the “risks” and award her a 7 and 8.



Kiara: Kelly calls her a “thirty-four year-old man” and with Tyra, gives her a 7. Rob disagrees, feeling that she “calls attention”, and gifts her a 9.



Brittany: Tyra is afraid that she is “falling short” and gives a 7. Rob and Kelly are just as unimpressed, and decide on a 5 and 6.



Laura: Praised for her versatility, Laura receives a triad of 9’s.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

LAURA (41.0)

KRISTIN (35.8)
KIARA (34.8)
NASTASIA (33.3)

“Will Victoria and Brittany please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.6 to 30.3, that girl is…”

VICTORIA

But fear not! Brittany will become the final edition to the Comeback Series.

“And now, the moment of truth. Will Jessie, Darian, Destiny, Leila, Yvonne, Allyssa, and Brittany please step forward? We have calculated your social media scores and the girl with the highest average, who will be returning to the competition is…”

NOT GOING TO BE REVEALED UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!!

Next week, in addition to the comeback, the girls will be traveling to Jamaica. There, they will dance and get on a raft with Rob Evans. Sounds hot. So until next time…

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...

BINTM c8 episode 11: O Canada! Our Home and Native Bland

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were shocked to learn that their international destination was Canada. After their first photoshoot with live spiders, the girls took on a hairier challenge: Marie Antoinette. After portraying her for their Revlon ads, Lisa had her cake and ate it too; grabbing both best picture and a ticket to Canada. And while Letitia failed to mix crawlies and carbs in her shoots, it was Roxanne who ultimately got her dreams of model stardom liposuctioned away. Now only 5 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

After panel, the girls excitedly run back to the house, nervously packing for Canada. What does one pack when expecting a moose stampede? Anyway, after they leave London, the girls giggle and squirm on their way to Toronto (what else can you do on a seven-hour boat ride?)

Tower of Strength

Upon touring through the backwards land of Canada, the girls see strange French highways, marijuana leaves being promoted on national flags, and the many phallic symbols of the Great White North. Whether it’s the penile towers or the drug-filled subliminal messages, I can tell Anita is going to find immense pleasure in Canada.

‘X’ Marks the Pot

Once the girls arrive at the CN Tower, they go inside. The deeper they enter, the more nervous Anita gets (she’s used to being the one entered). At the top of the tower, the girls read their E-Mail.

“Being a model means that you have to cope with any situation. Even at your worst, you must have poise, dignity, class and elegance. Today, you will be challenged to strut your stuff on the edge-walk of the CN Tower, 1,128 feet above the air. Love, Elle.”

Anita immediately has a breakdown over the height (she likes her men short.) After some encouragement from Lisa, Anita lets go of her refusal and does the challenge; worried about “letting herself down”.

One by one, the girls are hooked up and given a line to present at the end of the walk. Anita, however, is once again scared senseless and takes assisted baby steps across the CN Tower. The other girls, however, did the walk much more confidently, hanging by their shoes to the beat of a Lady Gaga song in the background.

The Wedge of Glory

After the “traumatizing” experience, the girls are taken to the Soho Metropolitan hotel, which is said to have housed the most famous of celebrities. After the girls go to their three story penthouse and discover the plethora of goodies, the question remains: who the elle paid for all of this?

All of the girls are ecstatic about this pad, thinking of their future lives as models. Anita, who has finally reverted back to her usual self, slathers up against the beds and offers to pay for the room the only way she knows how, by putting…

The ‘Ho’ In Hotel

After Anita’s lay(away) payment, the girls receive an E-Mail.

“Now it’s time to return to the modeling business. Today will be all ‘aboot’ first impressions when you meet Canada’s leading fashion experts. Love, Elle.”

She’s Just Not That Inuit

The next day, the girls arrive at Elite Model Management, where they are met by Alisha and Matti. They tell the girls that they will be walking and looking over their portfolios.

The two love Lisa’s personality and walk but feel that her pictures leave much to be desired. Risikat on the other hand, exuded versatility in both her photos and walk.

Emma and Anita both failed to impress with their walks but the two feel that they can succeed print modeling. Letitia gives “confidence” to the two.

In the next casting, the girls are shooting cover tries for Fashion Magazine. After they suggested “less petrified” to Anita, she transformed from ‘deer caught in headlights’ to ‘deer caught in headlight’ right before their eyes. Lisa, on the other hand, was praised for her poses. With the background Rihanna music playing and the client praising her skin, I’m sure Lisa will be a great spokesmodel for body washes.

We Found Dove

Letitia, however, failed to convey the brand, giving “too much sex” for the female audience. Emma was heavily praised for her “million dollar smile”. She and Risikat were both deemed “natural” and most fitting to the brand.

At the end of the go-sees, Risikat was awarded the cover of Fashion Magazine and clothes from Pink Tartan. When they returned to the house, the girls also received an:

E-Mail! “You have already experienced the highs of Toronto. Now it’s time for you to experience the falls. Love Elle.”

Niagara Falling

The next day, the girls are driven to their photoshoot’s backdrop, Niagara Falls, where they are met by Whitney Port. She introduces them to the Miss Selfridge client, Yacef.

With only five girls left, the pressure is on at this shoot. Anita manages to impress Whitney, her “biggest critic”. She feels that she didn’t “do the best” but Whitney thinks that she had a “good vibe”.

Letitia also had a great shoot. She gave “variety” and even when a wave of water crashed on her, she remained “natural” in her fierceness. Risikat, on the other hand, had difficulties with the ‘sexy’ brief. With that hideously sheer outfit and her less than excited breasts, Risikat’s not exactly advertising ‘Niagara’:

Viagra Falls

Despite her “great figure”, the photographer had difficulty catching Lisa in her best light. Whitney and Yacef, however, disagree with him, calling her “amazing”. Even though she was the last of the day, Emma kicked all of her nerves once she got on set. Both Whitney and Yacef called her “stronger” than all of the rest.

After the shoot, Whitney announces that the girl with the best performance would get a helicopter ride around Niagara Falls. They announce Lisa as the winner and she chooses Anita to join her. If she had any sense, Anita would ‘accidentally’ fall out of the copter but nevertheless, it was a great experience for the two.

Back at the house, the girls receive an E-Mail about the impending elimination.

PANEL

This week, we have ‘noted’ fashion photographer Nigel Barker joining the judges.




Anita: Even though she had to be given direction, Whitney said that Anita had “it” from the first few frames. “There’s nothing more sexy than control”, says Janet Jackson’s ex-boyfriend. Julian agrees with Nigel, calling her “iridescent”.



Emma: Elle calls her “amazing” and Whitney describes it as a “captured moment”. Tyson calls her “flawless” and Nigel notes that she needs to work on her ‘wow factor’.



Lisa: Even though she’s striking, Nigel and Tyson think she’s “not trying” in the photo. Elle and Whitney believe that she has a great face and needs to work on her body.



Risikat: Whitney needs more “versatility” but Julian wants her in one of his advertisements. Elle and Tyson disagree, calling it “weak”.



Letitia: Julian loves the “London look” but the other judges disagree. Nigel calls her “too sexy” and Elle contemplates whether or not Letitia can “channel” her sex appeal.

“Now the judges and I will deliberate and when you return, I will announce who will be eliminated.”

All of the judges are in unison about Anita’s “vivacity”. Whitney notes her “drastic” improvement and Tyson agrees. Nigel comments on Emma’s lack of personality during panel but can’t debate her presence in photos.

Julian doesn’t know if Lisa is too “off-putting” to women and Elle agrees; worried that her look is too strong. Whitney believes that Risikat is “sliding by” on her looks. The judges are frustrated about Letitia because she can’t focus her sexuality in photos.

“Five beautiful models stand before me. But only four of you will continue on in this competition. The girl with the photo of the week is…”

ANITA

EMMA
LETITIA

“Only Lisa and Risikat remain before me. We believe that only one of you still has a ‘wow factor’. And that girl is…”

LISA

Even though she is “shocked” at leaving at the top 5, she is so grateful for having such a vast experience. She is ready for what’s to come.

Next week, the girls are tested in their fashion knowledge. Apparently, not knowing who Karl Lagerfeld gets Julian upset (stand up for your man, Jules!) During a shoot at the pier, tensions rise as four turns to three. With the finale just in sight, this is an episode you won’t want to miss! So, until next week!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

ANTM c19 episode 7: Down & Thirty

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to bring a video game to life. Despite several pleas to join Kingdom Hearts 3D, Laura decided to donate her Double D’s to the game Uncharted instead. At a steampunk photo shoot, Laura and Brittany rose to new heights with their owl co-star. And even though Victoria’s hooters failed to impress, it was Yvonne whose Victorious Age was cut short. Now, only 8 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back in the house, Laura is ecstatic about her “perfect week”. She wanted to prove that she “deserves it” and so, decides to sleep alone in the Tyra Suite.

Allyssa wants to “earn her stay” at the Tyra Suite and is determined to receive best picture this week. She “has heart” and once she “finds her potential”, wants to be an example. She wants to be the first curvy woman to win Top Model. The first Brazilian to win Top Model.

The first lesbian to win Top Model. And with the help of her fans, maybe she can continue that dream.

Victoria, on the other hand, is just happy to still be here. After her “desperate” bottom two appearance, she is focused and ready to propel farther into the competition.

Kiara cooks a meal for the other girls in an attempt to show her “tough love parent” personality. Allyssa and her MILF quickly run down to indulge in chili but Victoria is too busy exercising.

The other girls start to worry about her “mental health” and Kristin fears that she’s “not stable enough” for this competition. But I’m pretty sure they’re just jealous of her toned chess. Seriously, with the vigorous way she works out, all of her excess fat is just…

Pawn with the Wind

But Victoria assures them that she’s ok.

The next day, Bryan(Pre-Pubescent)Boy greets the girls and introduces them to Marissa Montgomery, who is a correspondent for NylonTV. He announces that they will take a “road trip” to Palm Springs.

To further enhance the college experience, they will be shooting Random Acts of Modeling; which means fiercely hitchhiking and sexily smizing with men in exchange for gas money.

Marissa explains that there will be two teams, but only one girl will get to appear on NylonTV. Team 1 consists of Laura, Allyssa, Brittany, and Kristin; whereas Team 2 has Victoria, Kiara, and Nastasia.

Road Gyp

Team 2 starts off strong, getting to the first pit stop before the others. Kiara thinks that Victoria is like “a lost child” and feels the need to protect her during the challenge.

Back on the other team, Allyssa is “having fun” with the shoots. She’s excited to show off her curves and lets loose at the second pit stop.

Team 2, on the other hand, is too “overdressed” for this challenge. They stick out at the grungy restaurant and aren’t as effortless as the other girls. At the sight of chicken wings, Kiara got a little too excited; making it look like the candids of an overweight teen.

Insta(kilo)gram

After taking some more pictures that are sure to resurface on the blog of a food fetishist, Team 2 returns to the road. Meanwhile, Team 1 has the thought to stop at a windmill farm and take pictures. Good idea girls; because everyone looks fierce during a hurricane!

Allyssa is particularly scared because she doesn’t understand how she can commit random acts of modeling while “getting blown”. Honey, if Rob can do it, if Ken Mok can do it, then YOU can do it!

Laura, on the other hand, is doing a great job in the wind. She looks a little like Dorothy, if Dorothy decided to flash all of Kansas…

Wizard of Drawls

Butt despite the setbacks, Team 1 was able to get some good shots. After wrapping up at their final pit stop, Kiara realized that she was missing a video and decided to re-shoot.

After they arrived in Palm Springs, the girls are critiqued by Melissa. She was impressed by Nastasia and Kristin’s “Nylon looks” and appreciated Allyssa’s “energy”.

Despite Kiara having the “right mood”, Melissa announces that the winner is…

LAURA! Kiara is a little upset and has a “bitter taste in her mouth”. THIS IS WHY BLACK WOMEN DON’T EAT FRIED CHICKEN ON TELEVISION!!!

After the long day, Allyssa is discouraged but “won’t give up”. Jason Mraz loves the feisty ones.

The Hang-under

But there is no rest for the weary. Johnny Wujek interrupts the girls before they can shower because the shoot calls for a “grungy” look.

He describes that they will be placed in “uncomfortable situations” and need to seem “caught off guard”.

Brittany was able to take “direction well” and made interesting shapes. During her shoot, Victoria made an interesting backstory, but failed to penetrate it into her photos.

Kristin did well despite choking on copious amounts of white fluid. Seriously, the gallons of milk this girl was forced to swallow were ridiculous. Just imagining all of the cows the ANTM producers had to milk is...

Utter Madness

Kiara was worried about being in a dumpster, seeing as she used to find clothes in them. But seeing this situational juxtaposition made her confident and got her some great shots.

Nastasia was worried about “looking short” during the shot but let her inhibitions go, resulting in good shots. Laura, on the other hand, had some “bad fish”. But enough about her face. She struggled with getting good body positions and didn’t understand the concept.

Allyssa was “desperate” to get a good shot. She enthusiastically licked the floor, impressing both Johnny and the photographer. She continued to get “great shots” until a cockroach appeared. And so, being neither a fan of cocks or roaches, Allyssa decided to wrap up the shoot.

Once they return to their hotel, the girls receive a…

SKULL MAIL. “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 6 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

Victoria decides to phone home again, missing her mother even more. The other girls take it upon themselves to confront her on her erratic behavior.

Nastasia and Kiara question her eating habits and are genuinely worried for her health. Victoria assures them that she does not have an eating disorder and quenches their concerns. Really, the only sickness Victoria is suffering from is being stuck in a house full of women…

Manorexia

Someone send her some testosterone rations STAT! Stay strong Victoria!

PANEL

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Brittany: Tyra loves the “purity” and the fans agree, calling it “high fashion”. She receives an 8 from Kelly, a 9 from Rob, and a 10 from Tyra.



Kiara: Kelly and Rob fall into her “vortex” and award her an 8/9. Tyra likes the elongation but wants more, so she settles on a 7. The fans are less impressed, deeming her “trashy”.



Laura: She has “no excuse” for having a lackluster picture, so Tyra gives her a 7. Rob and Kelly find it “weak” and give her 6’s.



Kristin: Kelly loves it and Rob finds it “edgy and versatile”. The trio gives her 8’s.



Nastasia: Kelly thinks that it’s “natural” and gives her a 9. Tyra and Rob love the “length” and give it banging 10’s.



Allyssa: Tyra loves the “commitment” and gifts her an 8. Kelly and Rob aren’t as happy, giving her a 4 and 5.



Victoria: Kelly loves the “out of it” mood and with Tyra, gives her an 8. Rob is impressed by the “grossness” and awards a stellar 9. After some goading by Bryanboy, Victoria’s housemates tell Tyra about their health concerns. Tyra announces that she wants women to be healthy and is determined to “keep an eye” on Victoria.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce who will be eliminated.”

“Eight beautiful ladies stand before me. But I only have seven photos in my hands. And these seven photos represent the eight girls that are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score, and best picture, is…”

NASTASIA (42.2)

BRITTANY (39.2)
KRISTIN (38.1)
VICTORIA (36.7)
KIARA (35.9)

“Will Laura and Allyssa please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.9 to 29.0, that girl is…”

LAURA

Seeing that the girl with the best ass is gone, Tyra starts to cry over all of the wasted tooching potential. Allyssa is still very confident going into the Comeback because she wants to represent all of the Brazilian and girls with curves. 

Next week, the girls will take part in go-sees. Afterwards, Kristin and Victoria apparently get heated after an argument about Victoria’s habits (No one gets between me and my mom!). You don’t wanna miss it! 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...