ANTM cycle 21 episode 5: "Stilted Growth"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models had nothing left to talk about, less it’s horizontally. After the shoot, they laid down and accepted some new looks. Makeovers led to makeouts; and by the end of the night; Chantelle was left (lip)locked out of the competition. Now, only twelve models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Because he received best photo last week, Ben decides to share his bachelor pad with Adam. Ecstatic that he can experience the life of a model, Adam confides that his current career path is “the exact opposite of modelling.” It must be a complete culture shock, that sudden transition from professional partier to model---nevermind.

In preparation for their new lifestyle, the models decide to play a game of Truth or Dare. Finally, we’ll learn the answers to queries like “does God exist”, “has Adam been tested”, and “who shot JFK?”

Since Adam declines the burning questions about his burning sensations, they start to dare each other instead. Aroused by her alienesque makeover, the guys decide that Kari and Mirjana should kiss each other. Since she’s already smooched on Denzel’s beard weave, Mirjana has no problem making out with extraterrestrial objects.

We Came In Peace

“Surprisingly”, none of the guys probe the situation. Despite his claim that “once you go there, you can never come back,” Denzel doesn’t question Mirjana’s heterosexuality at all. A wise scholar once wrote about Top Model, and I’m sure his words will resonate well as more and more queer things happen in this house.

“I have a dream that one day, smizing little boys and girls will be able to

make out with anyone they choose. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that we will be judged not by the lumpiness of our skin, 

but by the severity of our tooches.”

After the models receive this grand decree, Tyra noisily appears to test this newfound tolerance. “I’m here today to instruct you about being sexy,” Tyra announces. I guess the old saying is true: those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

Anyway, Tyra reveals her biggest sex secrets ever! Never fear, fellow readers! If you ever wanted to seduce Dr. Seuss, now’s the time to chant some seductive rhymes:

Step 1: Werk the Smirk (why use your mouth to kiss when you can form a crooked smile instead? Perfect for those who make out with boys, girls, and hot dogs.)

Step 2: Fierce Fantasy Headroll (Since a fantasy is the only place where these sex tips would actually succeed, this step is essential for Dungeons & Dragons players. After smashing your head into the imaginary headboard, fiercely let out a fictitious moan [Note: must roll a D20 first].)

Step 3: Peeping Tooch/Booch (Your mother walks in on you twerking when your Oedipus complex suddenly awakens.)

Tyra dares the models to harness their sexiness by practicing for a commercial the next day. While Lenox hesitates to flirt in the bathroom, the other models pose with toothbrushes, sinks, and towels. Only Raelia could make good hygiene sexy. 

Gingivitits

After they caressed remotes deep into the night, the models are woken up by Yu Tsai. (Product Idea: imagine a Yu Tsai alarm clock! Instead of a beep, it just spews out a string of insults. Get yours while supplies last.)

He welcomes them to a commercial for the perfume “SpiderBite.” Each model will be paired up and seduced into a giant spider web. A sexy advertisement inspired by eight-limbed creatures? I’ve watched enough hentai to know where this is going…

Nevertheless, Adam and Shei kick off the shoot. Adam admits that he finds Shei attractive because of her “half-black, half-white” look. It’s funny how Adam pretends to have standards. I’m sure he’d still pop a boner if she were blue and covered in feathers (his typical hook-ups. Go Emory Eagles!)

Keith is confident of his ability to titillate Mirjana. He wants to prove that he is a great model; so he spends most of the commercial shoving his ‘manaconda’ in Mirjana’s face. Hot. Since she’s Serbian, Mirjana uses the metric system to fully measure the girthy model.

America’s Next Top Model 21cm

After the duo slither away, Matthew and Will come on set. Even though the two guys are fine with their pairing, Denzel is outraged by Matthew’s complacency. “I’m all for doing things for the sake of modelling, but I don’t think my body is capable of doing that.” Yeah, getting hexed, stripping on a train, and taping a piece of black construction paper on your face is fine; but kissing a guy is when Denzel draws the line!

Backstage, the models get their weekly paychecks from Line. “Ben and Adam started broing out so I want to use the Line app, because, uh,” Matthew fumbles over his lines. “I love to use the snap function you can edit it and put music tones to it. That was awesome.” 

“I love it,” Mirjana picks up. “I can have full conversations with Denzel. It gives me life,” her dead eyes promise. “I can’t wait until we use it later.” Amatuer porn studios beware! Line is here to steal your jobs.

Romeo, on the other hand, isn’t afraid of anything. The photographer tries to intimidate the witch, but Romeo is not shaken (Rome-o was built on a strong foundation!) 

Lenox is more frightened by the shoot. Being a virgin, she’s not used to being sexy. She’s scared that her lack of experience is enough to send her home. Drastic times, Lenox. You can either a) shack up with Adam or b) ditch the name and begin referring to yourself as Line. Tyra will surely appreciate the commitment; decisions, decisions.

After the shoot, the models return to the house. Wanting to celebrate Romeo’s birthday, Adam decides to drink (like he needs a reason.) Not one to mince words, Romeo drunkenly confronts Adam for his lack of passion. 

When Adam doesn’t take the bait, Romeo starts to taunt him into fighting. Like a newborn calf playing with its mother or a drunk girl at a party, Romeo brushes his head on Adam.

The rest of the night remains hazy, but it all gets cleared the next day. According to Miss Jay, “this show has a zero-tolerance policy for visual assault, so Denzel's beard weave Romeo, you have been disqualified.” 

What happened to the good ol’ days when you could get disqualified for being an escort? Granted, they both involved giving head(butt) but still...

Anyway, after Romeo takes his final curtain call, Miss Jay announces the next challenge: a runway involving stilts. I’ve always been more of a leg man, so I’m pretty excited.

The models walk out two-at-a-time and stumble around for a while before they go back. Adam is noticeably bad at the challenge; he comes out in a drunken stagger (his natural strut). 

Adam must have spilled some of his beer on the runway because Raelia fell as soon as she hit the catwalk. Still, she gets up and tears up her walk. As a circus performer myself, I find it commendable that she was able to recover and still work the runway.

Barnum & Raeli Circus

After they finish, Miss Jay announces that the winner is...BEN! The celebration is short-lived, however, when the models are reminded of the next elimination.

PANEL

Mirjana was sexual without going overboard, so she was given two 8s and a 9. Keith was given the same scores for playing a believable victim.

While Adam had difficulty giving a solid chemistry (a 6, 7, and 8 performance); Shei had a controlled sexiness, getting a 6 and 7 from the judges. Tyra loved it, however, and awarded her a 10.

Kari had a dominatrix feeling to her commercial (getting two 7s and an 8). Denzel was praised for having inherent sexuality (a 7 and two 8s.)

Miss Jay was not feeling Raelia and gave her a 7. The ladies, on the other hand, lauded her flirtations and gave her two 10s. Ben was definitely overshadowed. Tyra slammed him with a 5, while he got a 7 and 8 from the other judges.

Will was the epitome of hot. He got two 9s and an 8. Matthew did not impress Tyra (she gave him a 6), but the others felt that his victim performance was 9-worthy.

Kelly and Miss Jay didn't think Lenox gave her 100% and gave her 7s. In the biggest upset of the night, Tyra talks about Lenox's failure at the challenge and rants about how she hates quitters. Unless it's a singing career. Or a talk show. But yeah, Tyra Banks hates quitters. She hates them almost as much as she hates Naomi Campbell. Almost.

Luckily, there are no cellphones in the vicinity for Tyra to throw at Lenox. So, she throws something else at her: a 1. A ONE. I know Tyra loves the number (it's the amount of dollars she makes per episode) but that is not a score Lenox deserves. Unfortunately, Tyra's stubbornness is as strong as her medication, so her decision is final.

"Now the judges and I will add up these scores and see who will still be in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model."

"The model with the best score is..."

WILL (40.9)
RAELIA (40.3)
KEITH (39.3)
MIRJANA (39.0)
MATTHEW (37.9)
SHEI (37.3)
DENZEL (35.6)
KARI (35.2)
BEN (34.6)

"Adam and Lenox, you two have the lowest scores. With a score of 33.0 to 30.3, the model that stays is..."

ADAM

Not wanting to give up that potential Line app sponsorship, Tyra decides to use Romeo's absence to keep Lenox for a while longer.

Tyra: "So Lenox, what have you learned today?"

Lenox: "That sex involves witches and feverous biting."

Tyra:"And why is that important?"

Lenox: ​"Because every modeling career eventually becomes gay-for-pagan pornography."

With that, Tyra allows Lenox to join the other models. But before that, she acknowledges,"this photo is blank because you do not deserve a photo. Now, you have to work your (non-existent) ass off. Because at the next photo shoot, you will only have five frames." Damn Tyra. You might as well scrawl "I HATE YOU, LENOX" on her forehead (spoilers for cycle 22 makeovers!)

Next week, the models will meet Nick Cannon. Lenox will be in a hairy situation during a wig shoot and Adam finds a new bitch! So, until then...

​Man's Best (Girl)friend