ANTM c19 episode 8: The Longest (Avant) Garde

News Flash! We interrupt your regularly scheduled recap to bring you news on America’s Next Top Model cycle 20. After a year spent learning the new international tooching laws, Tyra will be reinstating cycle 20 for the summer of 2013. During this time, thousands of men will go through hard auditions (Tyra’s not a fan of flaccid) and in the end, seven of these gentleman will penetrate the gender barriers of Top Model.

But with the recent news that Tyra wants to conceive a child, don’t feel too sorry for the rejected hommes. Just like her legs, I’m sure that the role of Tyra’s sugar daddy is open to all.

Mamma Who Whore Me

Now that’s a spring awakening you don’t want to miss! So until she gets her own dating/procreation show(I Will Always Love Youterus), we’ll just have to settle for her latest college-themed menstrual cycle:

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to commit crimes of fashion random acts of modeling. After Laura proved adept at mundanely smizing, the women took on a grungy shoot at a motel. While Nastasia and Brittany rose from the ashes, Laura regurgitation left the judges wanting more. But unfortunately, it was Allyssa whose dream of becoming America’s Next Top Model was licked clean. Now, only 6 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back in the house, the girls are still in shock at Laura’s bottom 2 appearance. She’s been though “a lot” but now, wants to “put it in God’s hands”. Forget about genocide, world hunger, and Christina Aguilera’s career, Laura’s chances in this competition get first priority in the eyes of the Lord!

On the other side of heaven, Brittany has received a letter from her sister, which leads her to a flood of tears. Let’s paraphrase, shall we?

“Dear Brittany, for the love of Disney, please stop crying. You’re really putting the ‘wa’ back in Walt.”

-Signed, Piglet

During dinner, the girls converse about Victoria. Kristin and the others are “concerned” about her stability but she wants them to “just drop it”. If by ‘it’, she means ‘three pounds’, then I’m game!

TYRA MAIL! “A good first will get you more bang for your buck. Love, Tyra.”

Cast Friday Night

The next day, the girls are met by Kelly Cutrone and Markus Barrington, the super hot agent from LA Models. Even Kelly, whose dressed in her usual attire, lights up when this beautiful specimen enters the room. Unfortunately for her, the juxtaposition of these two makes her feminine wiles much less desirable.

Beauty and the Yeast

Then he speaks! Markus serenades us with his angelic voice: the girls will have 5 hours to go to 5 castings. Each designer will only book one girl but one girl can book more than one designer. Sigh…with all this talk of booking, I’d jump on his ‘dic’tionary anyday…

And with that, the girls are off! Kristin and Brittany decide to venture to Guess, the most important client, first. They are impressed by the “contender” Kristin but feel that Brittany is “too girl next door” for their brand.

In I <3 Ronson, Kiara’s tone was “unprofessional”. Nastasia, on the other hand, had a “sophisticated” look that the client loved. At Whitney Port’s, there was an awkward mood during Victoria’s interview. Whitney felt that she was “trying too hard”.

During the Cecilia Cassini casting, Kiara impressed the 13-year-old with her “flare for fashion”. Victoria was declared “too boney” for the line and Nastasia had issues with her height.

At Lulu Guinness, Laura was praised for her “statuesque presence”. Kristin, on the other hand, was criticized for being “too uptight”. And by “too uptight”, I’m pretty sure that Lulu means “doesn’t have collagen the size of baby cattle.”

Veal It with a Kiss

After Lulu leaves them with a stiff upper lip (literally!), Laura and Nastasia are worried about time management. Laura is alarmed at the small amount of time left and proceeds to waste time crying about how they can’t get to Guess in time. In the end, they still go and manage to return to Smashbox Studios in time to see…

Me smashing Markus’ box. Oh, how a boy can dream. Anyway, he tells them the positive and negative feedback from the clients and the bookings are:

Nastasia- Lulu Guinness
Kiara- Cecilia Cassini
Kristin- Charlotte Ronson
Laura- Guess & Whitney Port

So in the end, Laura receives her third challenge win. In addition to another $1,000 deposit into her scholarship bank, Laura also won the girls a fabulous dinner in LA.

While the girls are enjoying a nice festive meal, they get harassed by an overgrown beaver with tanorexia, a.k.a. P’Trique. He gives them a…

TYRA MAIL! “A top model knows her best angles. So make sure you stay in line and keep a straight face. Love, Tyra.”

Just like half of these girls, the amount of fucks I give about this man are equal to the amount of chins Brittany has:


Less than Two

When they return to the house, the girls are excited to see their overall challenge scores. Laura and Kiara top the pack with 7.5 while Kristin suspiciously scrapes the bottom with a 6.5.

Prison of a Bitch

The next day, the girls are taken to a conservatory. After the booking process, Johnny greets them and gives them the pat-down: the theme of this photoshoot is ‘50’s retro bad girls in a fashion mug-shot.

Victoria and her country bumpkin persona didn’t impress Johnny. After calling her “too intense”, she began to take some “amazing” shoots.

Kristin, on the other hand, had trouble focusing. Despite her amazing look, the photographer was worried that he would be unable to find “great shots.”

Nastasia embraced her “tough” character and worked “her whole body” during the shoot. Brittany, on the other hand, had difficulty understanding her story.

Even after some advice from Johnny, her exposure was anything but indecent. I swear, if you don’t willingly do a naked booty tooch with Johnny Wujek in a prison, you don’t deserve to be America’s Next Top Model!

The Shawshank Conception

Luckily, Kiara doesn’t have this problem. In fact, she is too at home at the jail, seeing as she was arrested at the age of 18. She harnessed that anger to produce a stunning set of photos.

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

All of the girls are nervous about the impending elimination since their challenge scores are all so close.

PANEL

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

Side-note: What on Earth is Tyra wearing? Why is she draped in a mullet dress? Is she proud of shaving her legs for the first time in a decade? Is she trying to seduce the Scissor Sisters?


Let’s Have a Thigh-Thigh

But just like Tyra’s biological clock, we don’t have time to waste; let’s move to judging.



Kristin: Kelly is impressed by her “high fashion” pose and with Rob, gave her an 8. Tyra agrees, and deems it a 7.



Nastasia: Even though Rob didn’t like the “dead eyes”, he and Kelly gave her a 7. Tyra likes the height of her legs and gives her an 8.



Victoria: Kelly finds it “upsetting” and gave her a 6. Rob and Tyra like the “risks” and award her a 7 and 8.



Kiara: Kelly calls her a “thirty-four year-old man” and with Tyra, gives her a 7. Rob disagrees, feeling that she “calls attention”, and gifts her a 9.



Brittany: Tyra is afraid that she is “falling short” and gives a 7. Rob and Kelly are just as unimpressed, and decide on a 5 and 6.



Laura: Praised for her versatility, Laura receives a triad of 9’s.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

LAURA (41.0)

KRISTIN (35.8)
KIARA (34.8)
NASTASIA (33.3)

“Will Victoria and Brittany please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.6 to 30.3, that girl is…”

VICTORIA

But fear not! Brittany will become the final edition to the Comeback Series.

“And now, the moment of truth. Will Jessie, Darian, Destiny, Leila, Yvonne, Allyssa, and Brittany please step forward? We have calculated your social media scores and the girl with the highest average, who will be returning to the competition is…”

NOT GOING TO BE REVEALED UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!!

Next week, in addition to the comeback, the girls will be traveling to Jamaica. There, they will dance and get on a raft with Rob Evans. Sounds hot. So until next time…

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...

BINTM c8 episode 11: O Canada! Our Home and Native Bland

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were shocked to learn that their international destination was Canada. After their first photoshoot with live spiders, the girls took on a hairier challenge: Marie Antoinette. After portraying her for their Revlon ads, Lisa had her cake and ate it too; grabbing both best picture and a ticket to Canada. And while Letitia failed to mix crawlies and carbs in her shoots, it was Roxanne who ultimately got her dreams of model stardom liposuctioned away. Now only 5 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

After panel, the girls excitedly run back to the house, nervously packing for Canada. What does one pack when expecting a moose stampede? Anyway, after they leave London, the girls giggle and squirm on their way to Toronto (what else can you do on a seven-hour boat ride?)

Tower of Strength

Upon touring through the backwards land of Canada, the girls see strange French highways, marijuana leaves being promoted on national flags, and the many phallic symbols of the Great White North. Whether it’s the penile towers or the drug-filled subliminal messages, I can tell Anita is going to find immense pleasure in Canada.

‘X’ Marks the Pot

Once the girls arrive at the CN Tower, they go inside. The deeper they enter, the more nervous Anita gets (she’s used to being the one entered). At the top of the tower, the girls read their E-Mail.

“Being a model means that you have to cope with any situation. Even at your worst, you must have poise, dignity, class and elegance. Today, you will be challenged to strut your stuff on the edge-walk of the CN Tower, 1,128 feet above the air. Love, Elle.”

Anita immediately has a breakdown over the height (she likes her men short.) After some encouragement from Lisa, Anita lets go of her refusal and does the challenge; worried about “letting herself down”.

One by one, the girls are hooked up and given a line to present at the end of the walk. Anita, however, is once again scared senseless and takes assisted baby steps across the CN Tower. The other girls, however, did the walk much more confidently, hanging by their shoes to the beat of a Lady Gaga song in the background.

The Wedge of Glory

After the “traumatizing” experience, the girls are taken to the Soho Metropolitan hotel, which is said to have housed the most famous of celebrities. After the girls go to their three story penthouse and discover the plethora of goodies, the question remains: who the elle paid for all of this?

All of the girls are ecstatic about this pad, thinking of their future lives as models. Anita, who has finally reverted back to her usual self, slathers up against the beds and offers to pay for the room the only way she knows how, by putting…

The ‘Ho’ In Hotel

After Anita’s lay(away) payment, the girls receive an E-Mail.

“Now it’s time to return to the modeling business. Today will be all ‘aboot’ first impressions when you meet Canada’s leading fashion experts. Love, Elle.”

She’s Just Not That Inuit

The next day, the girls arrive at Elite Model Management, where they are met by Alisha and Matti. They tell the girls that they will be walking and looking over their portfolios.

The two love Lisa’s personality and walk but feel that her pictures leave much to be desired. Risikat on the other hand, exuded versatility in both her photos and walk.

Emma and Anita both failed to impress with their walks but the two feel that they can succeed print modeling. Letitia gives “confidence” to the two.

In the next casting, the girls are shooting cover tries for Fashion Magazine. After they suggested “less petrified” to Anita, she transformed from ‘deer caught in headlights’ to ‘deer caught in headlight’ right before their eyes. Lisa, on the other hand, was praised for her poses. With the background Rihanna music playing and the client praising her skin, I’m sure Lisa will be a great spokesmodel for body washes.

We Found Dove

Letitia, however, failed to convey the brand, giving “too much sex” for the female audience. Emma was heavily praised for her “million dollar smile”. She and Risikat were both deemed “natural” and most fitting to the brand.

At the end of the go-sees, Risikat was awarded the cover of Fashion Magazine and clothes from Pink Tartan. When they returned to the house, the girls also received an:

E-Mail! “You have already experienced the highs of Toronto. Now it’s time for you to experience the falls. Love Elle.”

Niagara Falling

The next day, the girls are driven to their photoshoot’s backdrop, Niagara Falls, where they are met by Whitney Port. She introduces them to the Miss Selfridge client, Yacef.

With only five girls left, the pressure is on at this shoot. Anita manages to impress Whitney, her “biggest critic”. She feels that she didn’t “do the best” but Whitney thinks that she had a “good vibe”.

Letitia also had a great shoot. She gave “variety” and even when a wave of water crashed on her, she remained “natural” in her fierceness. Risikat, on the other hand, had difficulties with the ‘sexy’ brief. With that hideously sheer outfit and her less than excited breasts, Risikat’s not exactly advertising ‘Niagara’:

Viagra Falls

Despite her “great figure”, the photographer had difficulty catching Lisa in her best light. Whitney and Yacef, however, disagree with him, calling her “amazing”. Even though she was the last of the day, Emma kicked all of her nerves once she got on set. Both Whitney and Yacef called her “stronger” than all of the rest.

After the shoot, Whitney announces that the girl with the best performance would get a helicopter ride around Niagara Falls. They announce Lisa as the winner and she chooses Anita to join her. If she had any sense, Anita would ‘accidentally’ fall out of the copter but nevertheless, it was a great experience for the two.

Back at the house, the girls receive an E-Mail about the impending elimination.

PANEL

This week, we have ‘noted’ fashion photographer Nigel Barker joining the judges.




Anita: Even though she had to be given direction, Whitney said that Anita had “it” from the first few frames. “There’s nothing more sexy than control”, says Janet Jackson’s ex-boyfriend. Julian agrees with Nigel, calling her “iridescent”.



Emma: Elle calls her “amazing” and Whitney describes it as a “captured moment”. Tyson calls her “flawless” and Nigel notes that she needs to work on her ‘wow factor’.



Lisa: Even though she’s striking, Nigel and Tyson think she’s “not trying” in the photo. Elle and Whitney believe that she has a great face and needs to work on her body.



Risikat: Whitney needs more “versatility” but Julian wants her in one of his advertisements. Elle and Tyson disagree, calling it “weak”.



Letitia: Julian loves the “London look” but the other judges disagree. Nigel calls her “too sexy” and Elle contemplates whether or not Letitia can “channel” her sex appeal.

“Now the judges and I will deliberate and when you return, I will announce who will be eliminated.”

All of the judges are in unison about Anita’s “vivacity”. Whitney notes her “drastic” improvement and Tyson agrees. Nigel comments on Emma’s lack of personality during panel but can’t debate her presence in photos.

Julian doesn’t know if Lisa is too “off-putting” to women and Elle agrees; worried that her look is too strong. Whitney believes that Risikat is “sliding by” on her looks. The judges are frustrated about Letitia because she can’t focus her sexuality in photos.

“Five beautiful models stand before me. But only four of you will continue on in this competition. The girl with the photo of the week is…”

ANITA

EMMA
LETITIA

“Only Lisa and Risikat remain before me. We believe that only one of you still has a ‘wow factor’. And that girl is…”

LISA

Even though she is “shocked” at leaving at the top 5, she is so grateful for having such a vast experience. She is ready for what’s to come.

Next week, the girls are tested in their fashion knowledge. Apparently, not knowing who Karl Lagerfeld gets Julian upset (stand up for your man, Jules!) During a shoot at the pier, tensions rise as four turns to three. With the finale just in sight, this is an episode you won’t want to miss! So, until next week!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

ANTM c19 episode 7: Down & Thirty

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to bring a video game to life. Despite several pleas to join Kingdom Hearts 3D, Laura decided to donate her Double D’s to the game Uncharted instead. At a steampunk photo shoot, Laura and Brittany rose to new heights with their owl co-star. And even though Victoria’s hooters failed to impress, it was Yvonne whose Victorious Age was cut short. Now, only 8 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back in the house, Laura is ecstatic about her “perfect week”. She wanted to prove that she “deserves it” and so, decides to sleep alone in the Tyra Suite.

Allyssa wants to “earn her stay” at the Tyra Suite and is determined to receive best picture this week. She “has heart” and once she “finds her potential”, wants to be an example. She wants to be the first curvy woman to win Top Model. The first Brazilian to win Top Model.

The first lesbian to win Top Model. And with the help of her fans, maybe she can continue that dream.

Victoria, on the other hand, is just happy to still be here. After her “desperate” bottom two appearance, she is focused and ready to propel farther into the competition.

Kiara cooks a meal for the other girls in an attempt to show her “tough love parent” personality. Allyssa and her MILF quickly run down to indulge in chili but Victoria is too busy exercising.

The other girls start to worry about her “mental health” and Kristin fears that she’s “not stable enough” for this competition. But I’m pretty sure they’re just jealous of her toned chess. Seriously, with the vigorous way she works out, all of her excess fat is just…

Pawn with the Wind

But Victoria assures them that she’s ok.

The next day, Bryan(Pre-Pubescent)Boy greets the girls and introduces them to Marissa Montgomery, who is a correspondent for NylonTV. He announces that they will take a “road trip” to Palm Springs.

To further enhance the college experience, they will be shooting Random Acts of Modeling; which means fiercely hitchhiking and sexily smizing with men in exchange for gas money.

Marissa explains that there will be two teams, but only one girl will get to appear on NylonTV. Team 1 consists of Laura, Allyssa, Brittany, and Kristin; whereas Team 2 has Victoria, Kiara, and Nastasia.

Road Gyp

Team 2 starts off strong, getting to the first pit stop before the others. Kiara thinks that Victoria is like “a lost child” and feels the need to protect her during the challenge.

Back on the other team, Allyssa is “having fun” with the shoots. She’s excited to show off her curves and lets loose at the second pit stop.

Team 2, on the other hand, is too “overdressed” for this challenge. They stick out at the grungy restaurant and aren’t as effortless as the other girls. At the sight of chicken wings, Kiara got a little too excited; making it look like the candids of an overweight teen.

Insta(kilo)gram

After taking some more pictures that are sure to resurface on the blog of a food fetishist, Team 2 returns to the road. Meanwhile, Team 1 has the thought to stop at a windmill farm and take pictures. Good idea girls; because everyone looks fierce during a hurricane!

Allyssa is particularly scared because she doesn’t understand how she can commit random acts of modeling while “getting blown”. Honey, if Rob can do it, if Ken Mok can do it, then YOU can do it!

Laura, on the other hand, is doing a great job in the wind. She looks a little like Dorothy, if Dorothy decided to flash all of Kansas…

Wizard of Drawls

Butt despite the setbacks, Team 1 was able to get some good shots. After wrapping up at their final pit stop, Kiara realized that she was missing a video and decided to re-shoot.

After they arrived in Palm Springs, the girls are critiqued by Melissa. She was impressed by Nastasia and Kristin’s “Nylon looks” and appreciated Allyssa’s “energy”.

Despite Kiara having the “right mood”, Melissa announces that the winner is…

LAURA! Kiara is a little upset and has a “bitter taste in her mouth”. THIS IS WHY BLACK WOMEN DON’T EAT FRIED CHICKEN ON TELEVISION!!!

After the long day, Allyssa is discouraged but “won’t give up”. Jason Mraz loves the feisty ones.

The Hang-under

But there is no rest for the weary. Johnny Wujek interrupts the girls before they can shower because the shoot calls for a “grungy” look.

He describes that they will be placed in “uncomfortable situations” and need to seem “caught off guard”.

Brittany was able to take “direction well” and made interesting shapes. During her shoot, Victoria made an interesting backstory, but failed to penetrate it into her photos.

Kristin did well despite choking on copious amounts of white fluid. Seriously, the gallons of milk this girl was forced to swallow were ridiculous. Just imagining all of the cows the ANTM producers had to milk is...

Utter Madness

Kiara was worried about being in a dumpster, seeing as she used to find clothes in them. But seeing this situational juxtaposition made her confident and got her some great shots.

Nastasia was worried about “looking short” during the shot but let her inhibitions go, resulting in good shots. Laura, on the other hand, had some “bad fish”. But enough about her face. She struggled with getting good body positions and didn’t understand the concept.

Allyssa was “desperate” to get a good shot. She enthusiastically licked the floor, impressing both Johnny and the photographer. She continued to get “great shots” until a cockroach appeared. And so, being neither a fan of cocks or roaches, Allyssa decided to wrap up the shoot.

Once they return to their hotel, the girls receive a…

SKULL MAIL. “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 6 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

Victoria decides to phone home again, missing her mother even more. The other girls take it upon themselves to confront her on her erratic behavior.

Nastasia and Kiara question her eating habits and are genuinely worried for her health. Victoria assures them that she does not have an eating disorder and quenches their concerns. Really, the only sickness Victoria is suffering from is being stuck in a house full of women…

Manorexia

Someone send her some testosterone rations STAT! Stay strong Victoria!

PANEL

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Brittany: Tyra loves the “purity” and the fans agree, calling it “high fashion”. She receives an 8 from Kelly, a 9 from Rob, and a 10 from Tyra.



Kiara: Kelly and Rob fall into her “vortex” and award her an 8/9. Tyra likes the elongation but wants more, so she settles on a 7. The fans are less impressed, deeming her “trashy”.



Laura: She has “no excuse” for having a lackluster picture, so Tyra gives her a 7. Rob and Kelly find it “weak” and give her 6’s.



Kristin: Kelly loves it and Rob finds it “edgy and versatile”. The trio gives her 8’s.



Nastasia: Kelly thinks that it’s “natural” and gives her a 9. Tyra and Rob love the “length” and give it banging 10’s.



Allyssa: Tyra loves the “commitment” and gifts her an 8. Kelly and Rob aren’t as happy, giving her a 4 and 5.



Victoria: Kelly loves the “out of it” mood and with Tyra, gives her an 8. Rob is impressed by the “grossness” and awards a stellar 9. After some goading by Bryanboy, Victoria’s housemates tell Tyra about their health concerns. Tyra announces that she wants women to be healthy and is determined to “keep an eye” on Victoria.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce who will be eliminated.”

“Eight beautiful ladies stand before me. But I only have seven photos in my hands. And these seven photos represent the eight girls that are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score, and best picture, is…”

NASTASIA (42.2)

BRITTANY (39.2)
KRISTIN (38.1)
VICTORIA (36.7)
KIARA (35.9)

“Will Laura and Allyssa please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.9 to 29.0, that girl is…”

LAURA

Seeing that the girl with the best ass is gone, Tyra starts to cry over all of the wasted tooching potential. Allyssa is still very confident going into the Comeback because she wants to represent all of the Brazilian and girls with curves. 

Next week, the girls will take part in go-sees. Afterwards, Kristin and Victoria apparently get heated after an argument about Victoria’s habits (No one gets between me and my mom!). You don’t wanna miss it! 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...

ANTM c19 episode 6: Model Kombat: Charmaggeddon

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls took part in a fashion show for a noble charity. After raising the most money for Alicia Keys’ weave tracks, Kiara was deemed the winner. During a cheerleaders photo shoot, Nastasia and Laura rose to new heights. And even though Brittany failed to bring it on, it was Leila who was forced to retire her pom-poms. Now, only eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Back at the house, Nastasia is ecstatic about the Suite and invites Kiara to join her. Laura believes that Leila’s elimination is a “wake up call” and she’s determined to stay focused.

Yvonne, on the other hand, complains about the model life to her boyfriend Brandon. The hours are ‘long” and leaves her “super tired”, says the koala.

Womb Raider

The next day, the girls are met by Rob Evans and Chrissy Tegen. The duo greets them via a game screen and tells the girls that they will be creating a motion picture for the game Uncharted 3.

Based on her intense hamstring exercises, I’m fairly confident that Victoria can fully embody any game heroine.

Tron: Leg-acy

But it seems like she has competition. During the challenge, Kristin had an “infectious” energy, and the client loved her white-girl-dance taunt.

Brittany was also really skilled at “embodying the character”. Rob was unimpressed by Yvonne, who he thought was “flat” during the challenge. In fact, the only time she had an ounce of vigor was when she was running toward the ̶c̶a̶k̶e̶ camera.

Victoria was the “best actress” but had trouble with the physicality. Laura, on the other hand, had trouble just remembering the video game. Seriously, her performance was much better suited for…

Call of Booty

But the client still loved it. Thanks to her enthusiasm (and countless bribes from horny 14-year-old boys)the winner is…

LAURA! In addition to the $10,000 scholarship fund, she will also be featured on Uncharted 3 (as ‘Unnamed Pedestrian #3’).

After the challenge, Chrissy gives the girls a talk about social media. Her script includes such tidbits as “it’s important” and “people in the industry care about social input.” As she wraps up her lecture, she finally gives them real advice to use in their outside careers: “let them reach in and feel it.”#wordstoliveby

When they return to the house, Nastasia and Victoria are devastated to see their low challenge scores. To only further harass these girls, P’Trique rolls in and relays a Tyra Mail to these terrified women.

“The clock is ticking. Get your booties in gear. It may not be the end of the world, but it’s the wild, wild, west out there. Luv, Tyra.”

Afterwards, Victoria runs to the phone to report this assault on her visual senses. She confides in her mom that she can’t even “taste food without her there”. The poor xylocarp doesn't have her momma bird to regurgitate for her! THE HORROR!

Steam Punk’d

The next day, the girls meet Johnny near a train cemetery. He is accompanied by Mike Ruiz, who is just the finest photographer we’ve had yet. They tell the girls that the theme for this shoot is ‘steampunk’.Wait, are you telling me that Johnny Wujek and Mike Ruiz are cute and know what steampunk is? Forget this shoot, I’ve already found a perfect photo of my ideal husbands.

Dream Junk

The future Mr. and Mr. Smith then tell the girls that they will be working with a “temperamental” co-star. Is it a tiger? A snake? Cher?

In hair and makeup, Yvonne is annoying the other girls. Kiara is sick of her “constant complaining” and Victoria ponders Yvonne’s commitment to the competition.

Laura made “good graphic shapes” and got “a ton” of good shots. Kiara also brought a lot of intensity to the shoot but failed to provide the “right vibe”.

Initially, Brittany was really upset with Bryanboy for being unpleased with Leila’s elimination. After a brief discussion with him, she was determined to bring “variety” and “fierceness” into her shoot to avoid another bottom two appearance.

Nastasia was phenomenal and even though the outfit is doing her no favors, she looked like a character straight out of Norse mythology.

Thor: God of Thunder-thighs

Kristin, who apparently has a monkey-phobia, had trouble connecting with Groovy, the owl. Allyssa, on the other hand, did nice.

Victoria decided to create an intricate character for her shoot, which included a traveling animal circus, a boyfriend, murder, and running away with your lover/owl. Sounds like a Zoolander sex dream. Anyway, Johnny thinks that she focused too much on the backstory and wasn’t strong enough in the actual pictures.

After about 5 hours of waiting, Yvonne started her shoot. Within the first few frames, they decided to change her dress, which led to her sighing loudly. Bryanboy, who apparently thought Yvonne cares enough to insult him, gets angry and verbally assaults her.

She rolls her eyes at the screaming midget and continues her shoot. Unfortunately, she was unable to let go of the anger in her face. For the rest of the shoot, she ended up looking like an angry Hogwarts reject.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Ire

After she was done, Yvonne decided to apologize to Bryanboy. She looked the three-foot mongrel in the eye (a difficult task) and told it that she regretted her attitude on set.

Back in the house, all of the girls are nervous about the impending elimination. After Leila’s assassination, they realize that nobody is safe.

PANEL

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Kiara: Kelly describes her as a “thirty-two year-old woman” and gives her a 6. Tyra and Rob disagree, focusing on her “great legs and energy”. They award her a 7 and 8.



Victoria: Tyra and Kelly appreciate the “versatility” but feel that it’s “too safe”. Rob gives her a 6 and Tyra a 7. Since she can “take criticism well”, Kelly gifts her an 8.



Kristin: The judges admire the strong face but Kelly calls her a “waitress from Oktoberfest” from the waist down. Kristin receives an 8, 7, and 6.



Nastasia: Rob is unimpressed by her terrible proportions and deems it a 5. Kelly gives it a 7 and Tyra calls it a “short but beautiful” 9.



Yvonne: Kelly thinks it’s “not too strong” and gives her a 5. After she gives her a speech on professionalism, Tyra grants her a 7 while Rob goes with an 8.



Allyssa: Rob doesn’t like the “awkwardness” and gives her a 7. Kelly and Tyra disagree, handing her 8’s for her “beautiful silhouette”.



Brittany: Kelly is unappeased with her “ghostly” look and grants her a terrifying 6. Tyra and Rob, on the other hand, love the “mesmerizing” glare, and give an entranced 10 & 9.



Laura: The fans and judges both agree, she is “crazy good”. She receives 10s from all.

“Now the judges and I will calculate your scores and when you return, I will announce who will be eliminated.”

“Nine beautiful ladies stand before me. But I only have eight photos in my hands. And these eight photos represent the eight girls that are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score, and best picture, is…”

LAURA (46.2)

BRITTANY (39.1)
ALLYSSA (35.7)
KRISTIN (33.9)
KIARA (32.8)
NASTASIA (31.8)

“Will Victoria and Yvonne please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 31.7 to 30.5, that girl is…”

VICTORIA

Yvonne is pleased about leaving and satisfied with not trying during the Comeback.

Next week, the girls will be taking a road trip and “getting blown”. Sounds hot. Apparently, one of Victoria’s phone calls make her “not healthy”, says Allyssa’s tan.

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...