ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 3: "Homeward Bound"

Picking up from the last episode: the models meet Alexis Borges and Miss Jay. He proclaims that they will each walk on a suspended runway and the chosen cast will be moved onto another platform. Those were not chosen will fall. “You’re gonna be dropped,” he exclaims. Just like Verizon phone calls, neglected babies, and most Top Model winners after their yearly contract expires.

I know Top Model can be pretty sadistic, but to literally dangle someone’s dream before their eyes? Good thing they didn’t go with the phrase “watch their hopes go up in flames.”

Oh right.

Well, before they reveal the final cast, the models prepare themselves for the runway. Backstage, Courtney gets a little comfortable with Mikey. While he slobbers over her undressing, she confidently states, “Mikey can be like my friend in this competition.” Considering she grew up in a town where you have a brother/cousin, I guess casting Mikey as a friend/lover isn’t too farfetched. 

Justin and Mamé also decide to flirt. If one of them is going to fall tonight, they decide to make the most of their time together. It’s so romantic, I can almost picture these two lovebirds in a Titanic scene right now. Draw me like one of your French-Scandinavian-European Jewish girls!

Sensing that people are falling head over heels, Miss Jay decides to subtly promote his new footwear line. After watching that first runway, I personally think horseshoes would’ve been a better investment, but still. 

Regardless of what kinds of accessories he’s wearing, Dustin’s walk is stable enough to earn him the first spot in the cast.

This goes on and on as people either go to the finals or get dropped. As I watched each losing model get dumped: I realized how similar this whole process is to breaking up: 

• You make sure to let them down easy or else they’ll get hurt.
• There are other fish in the sea. 53 fish, to be precise.
• “It’s not you, it’s me,” is still a bold-faced lie.
• In ten years, you’d have moved on but they’ll still be exploiting young girls.

Eventually, the numbers get whittled down until only Devin and Dallas are left undetermined. Seeing as there were thirteen models chosen, the two guys believe there’s still a spot left. 

Dallas falls to his demise and Devin thinks he’s in the clear. That is, of course, until Miss Jay says that his spot is not secure. Devin has to prove himself to Miss Jay in order to make it into the House. So what does he do? Remind Miss Jay of the good times, of course:

And with a crudely Photoshopped picture, Devin’s guaranteed a spot in the finale! When the fourteen contestant descends back to ground level, Tyra comes out to harvest the models who fell congratulate the cast.

“You’re so brave for doing this runway,” she gushes. Considering they were forced to either do it or get eliminated, it’s about as brave as obeying your parents or jumping out of a burning building. 

Still, to make it seem like they actually had options; Tyra surprises them with the fact that this was a challenge. I’m not exactly sure how they properly judged flailing limbs, but Mamé somehow beat out Nyle signing “help me” in midair and gained access to the Tyra Suite.

But before she gets the chance to celebrate, the models are all whisked away to their next photoshoot. Yu Tsai and Erik Asla pair them up and explain that they’ll be bound together for a beauty shoot. FINALLY. I’ve waited twenty-two cycles for the moment when Tyra’s brain gets too full of made-up words and she’s forced to re-use a concept:

At least it’s not Rob Evans.

But back to this photoshoot. Lacey & Bello are assigned chains. Here I was feeling bad for Mamé’s riches-to-rags story, when Bello has literally went from king to prisoner in the span of three episodes! 

Speaking of, Mamé is bound to Justin. In an attempt to emulate her past life as a rich diplomat's daughter, they give the pair computer cords. Mamé instinctively puts it around Justin’s neck and asks for his wallet before the photographer can calm her down. 

While Yu Tsai continues down the line, he is interrupted by Tyra Banks who drops in for a special posing lesson.

-IF YOU ARE STILL PARTICIPATING IN THE ‘NYLE’S POOR TRANSLATOR’ DRINKING GAME, GO ROB YOUR LOCAL BREWERY. YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT.-

After publicly declaring her love for the manaconda, Tyra is back to share equal appreciation for all animals.

“All over Instagram, all over Twitter, I’m sick of people calling people no-neck monsters.” she sobs. “Calling supermodels no-neck monsters, calling me a no-neck monster. Well I have one thing to say to you: kiss my fat ass there’s a difference between a good no-neck and a bad no-neck.”

Courtney, a red-neck, listens intently.

“This neck teach comes from the Animal Kingdom. You’re going to learn how to pose using these creatures.” 

Somewhere in Alaska using burnt cycle 11 posters to tend a fire, Hannah is preparing to fiercely run away from the no-neck monsters.

“There are some animals who are bad no-necks.”



“And there are some who are good no-necks.”

The part of this lesson that I’m concerned about is the time it must have taken Tyra to compile this information. I don’t know what I find more frightening: A) Tyra conferring with scientists and running experiments to measure exact neck lengths, or B) Tyra snapping photos and screaming “find your light!” out of a safari minivan. 

Either way, the amount of effort she takes to appease Dustin is astounding. If only he had insecurities about the girth of his chin instead; we could’ve had Jay Leno as a guest speaker…

Nevertheless, the models are impressed and vow to use these skills in their shoot. And to think this teach started because Tyra wanted to justify the small amount of likes on her Instagram pictures…

With that taken care off, the pairs begin their photoshoot. Mamé is the computer and Justin has the cord. “You are the computer and he is sticking his cord into you.”Erik Asla explains. While I’m sure I can think of at least ten more innuendos, the subtlety will be wasted on Justin & Mamé. Their chemistry is overt and makes for a captivating photograph. Oh you two, get a (chat) room!

When Delanie & Nyle get behind the camera, they get caught up in the confusion. Nyle tries to show her the ropes, but Delanie struggles to model H2T (that was specifically written so Tyra doesn’t sue me for earlier slander. )

Bello & Lacey prepare their chains when Devin decides to watch from the sidelines. Despite their strong performance, Bello did get off to a slow start. That’s enough for Devin to latch onto as he triumphantly states, “I laugh at my enemies.” He cackles at Bello. He snickers at his empty Elite Model Management portfolio. He giggles at his psychiatrist. He guffaws at the pads on the wall.

In fact, the only one who’s not in on the joke is Ashley. When she assembles the barbed wire for her shoot with Devin, he has completely transformed from the goof backstage into a model. Another surprise is Courtney. Before her ‘bound by hair’ shoot with Mikey, she takes a minute to collect herself. Mikey sees it as a distraction to the shoot and calms her enough for the photo. Good thing he got there in time: looked like she was gonna off herself by practicing her neck poses.

Dustin & Hadassah were pretty flat on set. Despite numerous attempts to help, Hadassah wasn’t listening to Tyra’s advice. Because of that, Dustin couldn’t perform to his strengths and was brought down by the anchor. 

In an attempt to burn his skin, Yu Tsai decides to wrap atheist Stefano in Christmas lights and tether him to Ava. It’s a (new) testament to Ava’s modelling skills that she can have synergy with a man without resorting to skeezy poses.

After the shoot, the models retire to the Top Model house. Mikey decides to showboat and declares that he’s “done with weak people”. Courtney, feeling betrayed, justifiably sulks in the other room. He tries to act supportive to no avail.

“The other night,” Mikey guilt trips, “who offered his bed to you (and Mamé and Alexa and Lacey and Maleesa...)?” Courtney doesn’t take the bait and tells Mikey to leave. You would think the “first guy in his family to not be arrested” wouldn’t be so aggressive, but alas.

Panel


Both models have a "strong" look. Tyra loves the crack of Lacey's chin for some reason and Kelly feels the passion from Bello's eyes. I know Tyra got rid of the height requirement and people can proudly state, "I'M FIVE FEET SIX AND ONE TENTH INCHES", but that didn't have to translate into your scoring. Nevertheless, Bello receives a 7.9, 8.9, and 8.5. Lacey is given an 8, 8.7, and a 9.



Kelly is disappointed in both Dustin and Hadassah's vacant expressions. Tyra says that Hadassah's biggest asset in this photo is her "beautiful chocolate skin." Isn't that what ignorant white people say? Well, at least she didn't change Hadassah's name to Brown, so I suppose that's a step-up. Anyway, Hadassah receives a 6.8, 8, and 7.3 while Dustin gets away with a 6.8, 7.3, and 6.4.



Miss Jay calls Devin radiant, and Tyra believes that Ashley is a cross between a giraffe and an owl. Whether or not that's a compliment in her world is another question. Devin gets a score of a 9, 10, and 10 while Ashley comes out with a 7, 8, and 8.2.



Tyra wants Nyle to be more sexy. Kelly asserts that Delanie hasn't gotten to understand her body yet. Tyra insists that she learn to be a "gangsta," because putting a's at the end of words makes them more relatable to whites. Nyle gets a 7, 8, and 7 while Delanie receives a 6, 7, and 5.



Miss Jay thinks that Mikey is "smuggy" looking and Kelly agrees. Tyra insists that Courtney doesn't listen on set and she brought Mikey down in this photoshoot. He has an 8, 8.7, and 9 while she gets an 8, 7.9, and 7.8



While Ava has a power as the "star" of this picture, Stefano is lost. Tyra fears that he is her "accessory" in this picture. Ava is gifted with an 8, 8.3, and 9 while Stefano gets a 6, 7.1, and 5.2.



Even though Mamé has a great look, she wasn't connecting with Justin. Tyra comments that he is "stealing" the spotlight while still being entangled with her. He gets an 8.5, 9, and 9 while Mamé has an 8, 8, and 7.

Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

DEVIN (36.0)

JUSTIN (35.5)
LACEY (34.7)
MIKEY (34.5)
AVA (33.3)
MAME (33.0)
BELLO (32.3)
ASHLEY (32.2)
COURTNEY (30.7)
HADASSAH (30.1)
NYLE (30.0)
DUSTIN (29.5)

"With a score of 26.3 to 26.0, the model who stays in this competition is..."

STEFANO

And with that, Delanie is the first casualty of cycle 22. She also gets to avoid the drama of makeover week, if that's any consolation. Until next week where there's a threesome, a dirty hot tub, and loads of soccer mom haircuts!