ANTM Cycle 22 Episode 4: "Make Fun, Not War"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the stakes were raised during a heightened runway challenge. After the ‘bound by love’ photoshoot; Delanie found herself heartbroken as she left the Top Model house. Now, only thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Before we delve into this new episode, let’s discuss the opening for a moment. We’re usually met with Tyra bouncing around to EDM for five minutes before quickly editing in some of the model’s faces. This time around, we got this…

I know it says, “don’t hate, congratulate,” but I’ve never been one to follow the rules. This is actually not that bad of a concept, but it is strange how the entire intro is in black and white. I’m guessing it’s a symbolic metaphor for how ANTM is getting into it’s senior years and, like an old dog, is losing all of its vision. 

Regardless of its intention, it subtly reminds me of a Shakira music video. I guess Tyra really is flaunting that Harvard degree, because she managed to encapsulate my feelings toward this show in one simple picture: oh ANTM, I just can’t remember to forget you...

After Delanie’s elimination, the models return to the mansion to find Devin’s photo being displayed as digital art. Somewhere in a gym clutching tear-stained underwear;Bryant is weeping.

In order to not let his ego get too big, Devin gets to sleep in the Suite which is comprised entirely of Tyra’s pictures. Don’t forget who’s the real (fore)head of household!

As if all of these luxuries aren’t enough, Devin also gets the #tytytip (he’s not ready for the entire thing). She shares with him the secrets of her own career and how to improve his longevity:

After receiving the tricks of the trade, the enlightened Devin decides to bestow his knowledge to the rest of the models downstairs. Bello immediately declares him to be an “over the top model.” Hell, if I had to act out Tyra & Erik Asla’s love life for my first photoshoot; I’d be “over Top Model” too.

Nevertheless, Devin has some real friends in the House. Devin, Mikey, and Ashley have become such fast friends that they’re already bathing together. They call themselves ‘DMA’, perhaps because the alternative ‘Rub A Dub Dub; Three Queens In A Tub’ doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely. 

Still, Devin feels like a third wheel amongst Ashley and Mikey. He explains that it’s difficult being in the middle of them, and it’s even harder to recruit new friends in the house. For instance; after trying to bond with Hadassah, he gripes that “no one in the house likes her.”

It’s really not that hard to get along with Hadassah, Devin. She literally developed rules to make this as simple as possible! Did you eat in her presence? Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did either of your eyes stare at her from a distance? 

Still, Devin decides to tell Hadassah that she has no friends. He even goes as far as to call her “snobby” and obnoxious because she grew up with a nanny. I don’t think Devin understands how nannies work; because they are the most humble and personable women you’ll ever meet. Regardless of what Devin has to say, Hadassah’s home life is picture perfect:

Wanting to stick his nose in even further, Devin then talks Stefano; who is still reeling from his bottom two last week. Stefano wants to be left alone because the “energy is draining”. Out of context: this makes Stefano sound like an introvert. Thanks to the last three confrontational episodes, we know he’s really referring to seeping the life-force of the remaining models while they sleep.

During their conversation, Stefano demands that Devin “keep eye contact” with him; and gets upset when he fails to do so. Depending on which eye you’re focusing on, Devin can be either making or breaking eye contact, so I understand Stefano’s dilemma. 

Schrodinger's Smize

Before Stefano can take a vial of blood, the two feuding models are stopped by a Tyra Mail. The delivery man quickly leaves before Devin can pick a fight with him:

“A hero never backs down. Luv, Tyra.”

Models + heroine, seems like a typical photoshoot.
.

The next day, Yu Tsai greets the models at a camp with two special guests: Melissa Stockwell and Alex Minsky. They are survivors of war who will be participating in this week’s photoshoot. Military service is a very serious thing and the treatment of veterans is no laughing matter: but I do manage to let out a chuckle at this whole display. These people have already survived horrific challenges and constant fighting: why would you bring them to a show that does the same thing? ANTM has always been a little insensitive; but glamorizing war (especially in other countries) is a new low.

I mean, only on America’s Next Top Model will they skim past someone’s story about serving the country but make sure their prosthetic leg is color coded to the clothes…

As a whole, the photoshoot is quite uneventful. Joe Zee shows up and announces that he’s going to be looking over the shoot like it’s a “real campaign”. I’m not sure about that, but if this is anything like a real photoshoot: sign me up! I mean, five minutes into the shoot: he said, “I don’t want to pooped on,” so I feel like I’ll be missing many golden showers opportunities by not working in the fashion industry.

But back to the show. Despite having an entire career built on answering “world peace” to banal questions; Hadassah sure has a lot of trouble during this wartime photoshoot. Yu Tsai has the same problem with Devin. He acts like a Diva on set but he doesn’t have the main component of Beyoncé: he doesn’t Listen!

Dustin has a similar issue. “You’re not taking this seriously,” Erik Asla says as he counts down the seconds until Tyra’s next ovulation before abandoning the shoot. 

After the photos are all taken, the models return to the house where Stefano decides to call his mother. He confides in her that he has no friends here but instead wants to beat them all in the competition. This scene is confusing for me since the family photo suggests a woman, but the demonic gargle from the telephone supports my theory that Stefano is some form of dementor. 

While Stefano plans his family reunion the next Republican Convention, the models travel to the Cristophe Salon. Hadassah is worried about getting a makeover because she’s from Texas and they frown upon anything “too extreme.” Confederate flag bikinis, Trump2016 rallies, and Paula Deen cooking are fine, but blonde highlights are where Hadassah draws the line!

Devin is up first. He must get “shaved nearly bald,” and he is not happy about it. He must be like Samson, but instead of holding strength, his hair is where all the voices in his head go to sleep. 

Ava is given the “American mullet,” which Tyra swears is high fashion. Ava is only a murkin and beer holy water gut away from looking completely white trash. 

When Hadassah is told the news of her side-shave makeover, she freaks out. It is only after some talking from the judges that she decides to actually go through with the cut.

Ashley is excited about her “ty-ty trim,” but I would be cautious. Is Tyra trying to sabotage Ashley? The intro explicitly states NEVER DUPLICATED but then Ashley gets a Tyra-esque hairdo. Is this all an attempt to steal Mikey for your own? We all know she has a thing for blondes: I’m onto your games, Ms. Banks!

Lacey gets a “fashionable” bowl cut and Bello gets a longer weave. Mikey is also spared the scissors and gets through makeovers with his hair intact. Mamé gets a Diana Ross inspired makeover; with big bold locks. Not surprising that they gave the diplomat’s daughter such a Supreme look.

The stylists surprise Stefano with blonde streaks. He looks like a middle-aged soccer mom, but I suppose that fits with her personality: Stefano’s probably had eight children...for breakfast.

Last but not least there is Courtney. For one, Courtney got her teeth cleaned and fixed a little bit: because god forbid something not be white and straight in this society. But the real makeover comes with the color of her hair. Tyra decides to draw from fashion icon Jackie O and give Courtney a Grey Gardens feeling, minus the alopecia. 

Mary better watch out: Courtney is the Virgin Grandmother!

And with their new looks in tow: the models are faced with the next elimination:

Panel



Tyra likes Ashley’s pose but Kelly thinks she should have connected more with the soldiers. Likewise, Miss Jay believed that Justin could have matched the veteran’s energy. Tyra loves the “story between their legs”. If that were taken out of context, the trans* activists would be all over in 3...2...1…

The judges agree that Courtney has a strong and dynamic pose but Tyra wishes there was more neck. Miss Jay in confused with the mood in Stefano’s picture and Kelly doesn’t have any feelings toward the pose.


Tyra is disappointed in Hadassah's "dead face" but Kelly feels that she is "too much work for not enough reward." Likewise, Dustin has a complete lack of energy in his face and the judges are concerned about the trend.

Mame splits the judges panel. Tyra loves that she was inventive in her posing but Kelly doesn't feel much of a connection between the veterans. Miss Jay calls Lacey's picture "smoking" and Tyra gives her some help photographing with her short legs.



The judges agree that Mikey is strong and has a connection with Alex despite not looking at him. Likewise, Bello is praised for his "dancerly" pose and anchored posing. Unlike Lacey, Tyra loves the fact that Ava can pose like a tall girl despite being only 5'5''.

Devin shows the judges his mastery of the "birds of paradise" pose and quotes the eyebrow as part of his signature look. Kelly feels like Nyle could be sexier and Tyra agrees, noting his movement on set.

Now that the judges have seen all of their photos, the call-out begins:

AVA (28.5)

MIKEY (28.3)
BELLO (27.6)
DEVIN (26.9)
COURTNEY (26.7)
JUSTIN (26.0)
NYLE (26.0)
LACEY (25.6)
MAME (25.0)
DUSTIN (23.6)
ASHLEY (22.5)

"With a score of 22.4 to 22.3, the model who stays in this competition is..."

HADASSAH

And with that, Stefano is the next one to leave. As much as it hurts to see someone with potential leave, the soccer mom makeover will lead him to a new career path. Besides, we know he'll be getting work very soon: he's got mouths to feed (mostly his own).

Next week, the models will be taking unretouched photos in a sports themed photoshoot. Then, Bello and Mikey will get a fight right off the bat. Until then!