It’s a new year, which only means one thing: a new cycle of America’s Next Top Model! It’s been a year since the victory of our first male Top Model. Tyra Banks celebrated another Mother’s Day without child, so I’m not sure whether his career is a success or not.
Nevertheless, Tyra is once again on the hunt for a new “top model”, even though a simple “model” is setting the bar too high. After twenty-two seasons, she still manages to draw a flock of contestants. Seeing as California’s in the middle of drought, I bet Tyra found a random group of men and promised them some sips from her kitchen sink.
Nevertheless, Tyra is once again on the hunt for a new “top model”, even though a simple “model” is setting the bar too high. After twenty-two seasons, she still manages to draw a flock of contestants. Seeing as California’s in the middle of drought, I bet Tyra found a random group of men and promised them some sips from her kitchen sink.
“Who wants to be America’s Next Top Model?”
“We have bottled water.”
“We have bottled water.”
In addition to a gallon of Aquafina to call their own, the winner of this cycle walks away with a NEXT Model Management booking, a spread in Nylon, and a $100,000 contract with Zappos.
Tyra promises that the winner of this cycle is going to be the most diverse one yet. Because she did away with the height requirement, Tyra makes another awful attempt at branding with some hashtags: #NotTooTall and #NotTooShort. Of course ANTM would pander to its gay audience with a reference to bears.
But let’s talk about these models. Mamé was the “daughter of a diplomat” but stopped traveling at an early age. She wanted to experience a regular childhood so she was raised by her aunt and uncle. Mamé’s life is just one iconic dance number away from being a complete fantasy.
Tyra promises that the winner of this cycle is going to be the most diverse one yet. Because she did away with the height requirement, Tyra makes another awful attempt at branding with some hashtags: #NotTooTall and #NotTooShort. Of course ANTM would pander to its gay audience with a reference to bears.
But let’s talk about these models. Mamé was the “daughter of a diplomat” but stopped traveling at an early age. She wanted to experience a regular childhood so she was raised by her aunt and uncle. Mamé’s life is just one iconic dance number away from being a complete fantasy.
The Fresh Princess of Tel Aviv
Ashley is a 21-year-old from Brooklyn, but her bubbly personality makes me think twice. How can someone with such a cute face live in the grungy city? Nevertheless, I’m sure she has the tools to beat a face, both hers and someone else’s. She’s beauty, she’s grace, her purse is full of mace.
Lacey is the polar opposite of Ashley. She’s an 18-year-old from the country. She’s naive enough to think that this competition will produce a “top model”; and even more trusting when she spills her biggest secret: she’s still a virgin.
Knowing ANTM’s tactics, the next twelve photoshoots will require sexual chemistry (and, given the creative team’s lack of imagination, a photoshoot with actual test tubes and sexy lab coats). If last cycle is any indication, by her elimination: Lacey will have either had intercourse or have suffered enough trauma to reproduce asexually.
Lacey is the polar opposite of Ashley. She’s an 18-year-old from the country. She’s naive enough to think that this competition will produce a “top model”; and even more trusting when she spills her biggest secret: she’s still a virgin.
Knowing ANTM’s tactics, the next twelve photoshoots will require sexual chemistry (and, given the creative team’s lack of imagination, a photoshoot with actual test tubes and sexy lab coats). If last cycle is any indication, by her elimination: Lacey will have either had intercourse or have suffered enough trauma to reproduce asexually.
Bryant is a very confident guy. He introduces himself as a “really hot guy” and boasts his ability to “get any girl [he] wants.” He seems like he’s more into the partying aspect of modelling than the actual work: but as long as he bags girls (and then puts the bags in his trunk), he could care less.
Alexa has a conversation with the other girls while they are waiting to arrive. She is very open about her rich boyfriend and the plastic surgery he bought her. Alexa then admits to recently getting a boob job. Seeing that it’s the only job she’s ever had, I can understand why she flaunts it so brazenly.
“I love my boobs before and I love them now,” Alexa loudly exclaims. “I will always love them.” With that level of confidence, I’m sure she can follow in the steps of Yaya and be the next ANTM girl to star in a Whitney Houston biopic.
Alexa has a conversation with the other girls while they are waiting to arrive. She is very open about her rich boyfriend and the plastic surgery he bought her. Alexa then admits to recently getting a boob job. Seeing that it’s the only job she’s ever had, I can understand why she flaunts it so brazenly.
“I love my boobs before and I love them now,” Alexa loudly exclaims. “I will always love them.” With that level of confidence, I’m sure she can follow in the steps of Yaya and be the next ANTM girl to star in a Whitney Houston biopic.
While the girls are chit-chatting, the guys meet Nyle. It’s not long before they discover that Nyle is deaf (and not just tone-deaf like other popular Nialls)...
While the show and other models are pretty accepting of Nyle, I do worry about the future. ANTM is prettyheavy fiercely real-handed when it comes to exploiting disabilities. I know Yu Tsai’s just counting down until the thirteenth episode before he can finally give Nyle an offensive nickname. That pose just reminded me of the Hear No Evil monkey. It’s a compliment!
Who I truly feel bad for Nyle’s interpreter, Ramon. Despite her contributions to the Webster Dictionary, I’m sure Tyra hasn’t actually patented words like “booch” and “H2T”. I can just imagine her collapsing into a fit of rage when Ramon fails to properly translate photoshoot concepts such as “smize like there’s a dreckitude no-neck monster chasing you”.
And with that: a new drinking game is born. Take a shot everytime Ramon has to translate something cringe-worthy. Before the episode is through, your hands will be as shaky as this show’s moral integrity.
While the show and other models are pretty accepting of Nyle, I do worry about the future. ANTM is pretty
Who I truly feel bad for Nyle’s interpreter, Ramon. Despite her contributions to the Webster Dictionary, I’m sure Tyra hasn’t actually patented words like “booch” and “H2T”. I can just imagine her collapsing into a fit of rage when Ramon fails to properly translate photoshoot concepts such as “smize like there’s a dreckitude no-neck monster chasing you”.
And with that: a new drinking game is born. Take a shot everytime Ramon has to translate something cringe-worthy. Before the episode is through, your hands will be as shaky as this show’s moral integrity.
Now that all of the models are together, they are given the opportunity to take their first photos. While being driven to the Los Angeles Highland, the models will take professional photos in addition to some selfies. The budget for this cycle is so low, they have to resort to using Androids. It’s only the beginning of the season and Tyra’s already iPhoning it in…
But at least one person is happy with this. “This is my best selfie ever,” Courtney beams, despite waiting five minutes for the Android to turn on. She explains that, as a country girl, she has never gotten much of a chance to have professional photography. Courtney is awestruck by the photoshoot with Yu Tsai; but I’m sure she was just happy to not use stalks of corn as selfie sticks anymore.
Nyle may have lost one of his senses, but it sure wasn’t taste. He’s one of the few guys who actually pulls off that ill-fitting wardrobe.
But at least one person is happy with this. “This is my best selfie ever,” Courtney beams, despite waiting five minutes for the Android to turn on. She explains that, as a country girl, she has never gotten much of a chance to have professional photography. Courtney is awestruck by the photoshoot with Yu Tsai; but I’m sure she was just happy to not use stalks of corn as selfie sticks anymore.
Nyle may have lost one of his senses, but it sure wasn’t taste. He’s one of the few guys who actually pulls off that ill-fitting wardrobe.
After their photoshoot, the models arrive at the Highland. Yu Tsai takes this opportunity to introduce some “special guests”.
Yu Tsai: “Here is our PR maven, Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone. I’d also like to welcome runway coach extraordinaire Miss Jay. Then there’s Maya, the intern that gets us our bagels. I’d also like to thank Virigina, the woman who does our taxes. And finally, the creator of this show, Tyra Banks!”
Tyra comes out in a dapper outfit and rejuvenates the audience. She then goes into this impassioned, uplifting speech: “For twenty two cycles, we have worked to showcase all types of diverse beauty. I’ve listened to all of thevoices in my head social media and taken away the height requirement! Don’t let anyone get in the way of your dreams.”
Yu Tsai: “Here is our PR maven, Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone. I’d also like to welcome runway coach extraordinaire Miss Jay. Then there’s Maya, the intern that gets us our bagels. I’d also like to thank Virigina, the woman who does our taxes. And finally, the creator of this show, Tyra Banks!”
Tyra comes out in a dapper outfit and rejuvenates the audience. She then goes into this impassioned, uplifting speech: “For twenty two cycles, we have worked to showcase all types of diverse beauty. I’ve listened to all of the
“Or your tooching.”
And with that, the models are given their first runway challenge. They must handle a catwalk full of “protestors”. Seeing as their signs don’t say “Fur Is Murder” or“Leviticus 6:9”, they’re probably just extras Tyra paid for with a tub of ice cubes.
The entire fashion show is uneventful except for the occasional Sasquatch sighting. What really peaks my interest is the meeting with the judges afterward.
Lacey is up first and immediately pours her soul to the judges. Her parents divorced when she was 15 and she gained 35 pounds as a result. What Lacey fails to mention is her swearing off men and bar hopping for the next two years like every other divorcee.
Courtney is excited to see the judges. She even brought a present for Tyra Banks. And judging by its quality, this isn’t the first time she’s made gifts for a celebrity:
The entire fashion show is uneventful except for the occasional Sasquatch sighting. What really peaks my interest is the meeting with the judges afterward.
Lacey is up first and immediately pours her soul to the judges. Her parents divorced when she was 15 and she gained 35 pounds as a result. What Lacey fails to mention is her swearing off men and bar hopping for the next two years like every other divorcee.
Courtney is excited to see the judges. She even brought a present for Tyra Banks. And judging by its quality, this isn’t the first time she’s made gifts for a celebrity:
Courtney’s no dummy though: giving child-hungry Tyra a bad drawing to hang on her fridge? She might as well move into the Top Model House right now.
Hadassah’s spot, however, is a little more insecure. The judges worry about her beauty pageant background. Still, she has the look and delivered during the photoshoot. Similarly, Delanie was giving a good presence in person and behind the camera.
Devin is questioned for his “sporadic” energy during the photoshoot. Justin is the total opposite: he’s cool and smooth throughout the whole meeting.
Backstage is a whole different ballgame. The tension becomes palpable when Bello, who was sporting a crown, finds it broken. Bello calls out Dallas and his cohort for touching his property. The two deny it, but the ball is in Bello’s royal court. He takes his energy and puts it into meeting the judges.
Kelly and Miss Jay are immediately weary of his eyes. They’re this deep blue, and Tyra is entranced by his presentation. Whether you love or hate him, Bello is one of the main attractions of this cycle.
Bello of the Ball
Despite being only 18, Dustin is a man in person. His presence is strong, but his personality still has that goofiness needed for the business. He admits that his biggest insecurity is the length of his **ck. Fortunately, Tyra gives Dustin some tips to minimize his neck in photos. Now, the only long thing Dustin has to worry about is the lines of adoring fans he’ll have every time his shirt comes off.
Ashley has the look and personality down. She is fiercely independent but still opens up about her past to the panel. When she was a child, her brother’s friend molested her. That incident, along with other circumstances, led to her growing up in a shelter. Thankfully, Ashley is stronger now and she has the strength to come out and fulfill her dreams.
Mikey also had to overcome so hardships on his way to becoming a Top Model. He is the first guy in his family to graduate high school and one of the few who hasn’t wound up in prison. He wants to make his brother proud; so he triumphantly states “look where I’m at now.” I mean, jail probably has better food and more privacy thanAmerica’s Next Top Model, but to each his own.
Ava introduces herself as a “cool Christian”. Her philosophy is not judging people without knowing them first. She also has quite a motto to live by: keep your legs closed and your Bible open.
Ashley has the look and personality down. She is fiercely independent but still opens up about her past to the panel. When she was a child, her brother’s friend molested her. That incident, along with other circumstances, led to her growing up in a shelter. Thankfully, Ashley is stronger now and she has the strength to come out and fulfill her dreams.
Mikey also had to overcome so hardships on his way to becoming a Top Model. He is the first guy in his family to graduate high school and one of the few who hasn’t wound up in prison. He wants to make his brother proud; so he triumphantly states “look where I’m at now.” I mean, jail probably has better food and more privacy thanAmerica’s Next Top Model, but to each his own.
Ava introduces herself as a “cool Christian”. Her philosophy is not judging people without knowing them first. She also has quite a motto to live by: keep your legs closed and your Bible open.
I love seeing an open-minded Christian on this show. Ava’s a self-proclaimed flower child: she sure puts the hip in hippie. I just hope she isn’t forced to break any commandments on this show. Once she signed her contract, Ava’s life is basically in Tyra’s hands. You know she is a jealous woman with a failing reality show: you shall put no other American Idols before me.
Before his meeting with the judges, Stefano managed to ruffle some feathers. He does not condone Alexa’s silicone; and his comments left most of the women feeling betrayed. In front of the judges, his “reggae rap” hit a sour note. In addition, Stefano was critiqued for being too cocky and his stance on religion as being the “root of all evil” was deemed controversial. Sorry Stefano, but the Meek Mill shall inherit the Earth.
After meeting all 31 semifinalists, the judges narrowed it down to 22 hopefuls. Yu Tsai and Miss Jay warn them that there are only twenty-two names inside of this foam pool. Those names represent the models who will be continuing in the competition. Seeing as you have thirty-one desperate models, I’m worried a couple of them might drown looking for their names in a crazed frenzy.
Before his meeting with the judges, Stefano managed to ruffle some feathers. He does not condone Alexa’s silicone; and his comments left most of the women feeling betrayed. In front of the judges, his “reggae rap” hit a sour note. In addition, Stefano was critiqued for being too cocky and his stance on religion as being the “root of all evil” was deemed controversial. Sorry Stefano, but the Meek Mill shall inherit the Earth.
After meeting all 31 semifinalists, the judges narrowed it down to 22 hopefuls. Yu Tsai and Miss Jay warn them that there are only twenty-two names inside of this foam pool. Those names represent the models who will be continuing in the competition. Seeing as you have thirty-one desperate models, I’m worried a couple of them might drown looking for their names in a crazed frenzy.
“The 22 models who survive will continue on in the hopes of...reading on a third grade level.”
After a couple of minutes full of screaming, muffled cries, and broken dreams; I finished contemplating my life choices and unpaused the episode. By that time, the twenty-two finalists were chosen and the losers were ushered away to a less shallow body of water.
Next week, the models will take on a photoshoot at the Universal Citywalk. A fight breaks out and eight more people watch their dreams get crushed. Until then...
Next week, the models will take on a photoshoot at the Universal Citywalk. A fight breaks out and eight more people watch their dreams get crushed. Until then...
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