BINTM c9 episode 5: "The First Rule of Light Club Is..."

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were taken to castings. After Angel and Sarah were chosen by the designers to birth the Antichrist model their designs, the girls went to the beach for a steaming jeans shoot. Topless Naomi topped the shoot, while Sophie, Holly, and Abigail plundered. But it was ultimately Jessica who broke the hemlines, leaving 11 girls in the competition. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Lighten Up

After the elimination, the girls meet Elle and Nicki Johnston for a lesson on light and finding the right angles for the perfect shoot. Elle allows the girls to pose for five photos, and then struts in and fixes their faces. After Gepetto sets them up, the girls have five more frames to capitalize on this newfound light.

After a slew of “you’re awful” and “so boring”, Elle transforms Sophie into a grunge sensation and Laura’s inner model grows. 

Elle warns Abigail that while she may have lots of angles to choose from, posing straight-faced into the light amplifies her wrinkles to near Freddy Krueger-status.

Lightmare On Elm Street

But she still manages to retain a fresh face for Nicki’s final shot. “Can you feel the light?” Nicki sensually interrogates upon Emma’s entrance. Interpreting “light” to mean “sexual tension”, Emma moans a large‘yes’ and proceeds to pose. Sarah also impresses, finding her light quite effortlessly.

Naomi is fearful of her nose but Elle teaches her how to tame the rhino’s horn through the magic of lighting. And despite cries of “rhinoplasty” backstage, Naomi is confident in her nose; stating that it makes her look unique (plus the ability to crack large seeds…)

After the girls dine on some cashews courtesy of Naomi, Elle announces Sarah as the winner of this week’s challenge. She chooses Emma, Saffron, and Abigail to join her on a night out on the town.

While the other girls enjoy an emptier house, the winning quarto travels to a London pub. With the union of a “dancer from London” and a Yorkshire girl (the biggest rivalry since Lindsay Lohan and sobriety), the girls have trouble relaxing. By the end of the night, the girls were as happy as the Westboro Baptist Church at a taping of Queer As Folk.

As soon as they are released, Emma runs away from her archnemesis to read the

E-MAIL: “Remember to always find your light. Now take a deep breath. Love, Elle.”

Before going to bed for their 11:00 A.M. photoshoot, the girls start to gab about other things in the house. Angel doesn’t like the whispering behind people’s backs and despite Laura trying to explain the dynamics of the house; Angel exclaims that she “doesn’t like fakeness”. As Heidi Montag’s biggest fan, Naomi takes immediate offense to the statement. After a squabble, the girls head off to bed in order to prevent further feeding of Angel’s “attention seeking ways”.

Easy As ABSea

The next day, the girls are met by Tyson Beckford and Lauren Maddox, a representative for Top Tea. She explains that she wants the models to, like teabags, be dumped into water for this shoot. A pre-pubescent Call of Duty player at heart, Tyson is ecstatic about hot women and teabagging…

As Naomi prepares for her shoot, the girls discover that they will be able to watch all of the performances from another room. Even though Naomi gracefully swam, Sarah the hydrophobe grows more anxious. While Emma struggled to make dynamic shapes, Emily is able to use her army training to control both her face and body; looking like a beautiful mermaid in the water.

The Few, The Proud, The Aquamarines

Saffron, after hearing the words every man craves (“go deeper”), impresses Tyson with her dedication to the shoot. Holly, despite Angel’s “self-inflicted drama” backstage, delivered on set with elegant curves and movements. On the other side of things, the client agreed that Angel’s time on set was a travestea. 

Sophie was described as a “pixie”, and her ability to become attune with the water gave her great frames. Likewise, Lauren was able to have great elegance in the pool.

As a dancer, Abigail had a great control of her body; but Tyson felt that she didn't have enough variety. In addition to having to remove her glasses before the shoot, a bloated Laura felt insecure about getting in the water. Luckily, her portrayal of a sea critter works wonders as a Top Tea advert.

Iced (Mana)tea

However, Tyson was less than impressed, stating that she might be in the bottom four for her weak performance. As much as she didn’t want to do the shoot, Sarah convinced herself that she couldn’t give up. With Tyson’s assurance that “everybody is here for you”, Sarah was able to finish the shoot, but she’s terrified that the final product won’t be up to par.

Panel

Tyson states that Naomi was “easy” to shoot, and the others agree that her photo is strong. Dannii is unsatisfied with Emma’s expression and Tyson agrees; stating that it was a fight to capture a good shot. Elle is amazed at Lauren’s ability to remain calm underwater, but feels that it’s not her personal favorite.

With Sophie, all three judges agree that she’s like an angel in photos. Speaking of, Angel gets mixed reviews. Elle wants to give her the best photo while the other two call it the worst. Tyson said that Laura failed to control her eyes, letting fear control her on set.

Dannii wants Emily to soften up, even though the other two are impressed with her pointed toes. Likewise, Saffron was also praised by the judges for her constant control. Even though Tyson deems her the worst, Elle calls Abigail “simple and clean”. Finally, Holly and Sarah are lauded for their ability to command presence despite their worries.

“Of the eleven of you, only seven of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”















BOTTOM FOUR



Tyson warns Emma not to led negativity get to her head, and Dannii encourages her to harness fear into positive energy. While Elle finds Abigail's image to be "high fashion", the other two feel that she's been trying very hard to adapt.

Elle thinks that Laura needs a lot of work to photograph well, and Tyson agrees that she needs to bring life during shoots to really pop out. Dannii wants Angel to be relaxed because her anger fails her. Elle tells her that she likes her photo, but being focused can elevate her.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”"

Angel, Emma, you are safe.

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. That girl is…”

Abigail

Abigail is grateful for the experience and the friends she has made along the way.

Next week, the girls take on a challenge with strange accessories. Then, they bare it all in a nude shoot with curves in all the right places. So, until next week...


Baby Got Back

BINTM c9 episode 4: "The Birds and the Beeches"

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls got their long-awaited makeovers. Despite most of the girls receiving minimalist changes, Saffron and Abigail refused to split with their ends. At a pummel horse shoot with Olympian Louis Smith, Lauren took the gold. And while Saffron, Abigail, and Laura failed to ride high on the horse, it was Danielle who took the pummel. Now, only 12 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The episode opens up with Sophie and Holly complaining about the overall hygiene of the house. It is Angel’s trashy behavior, in particular, that upsets Holly; stating that her “shit is all over my bed”. Oblivious to the whereabouts of her feces, Angel blissfully ignores Holly and instead, shares the…

ELLE MAIL! With Locked out of Heaven thumping in the background, it reads: “Go and see if you can impress.”

Putting two and two together, the girls are ecstatic to walk for Lucifer. Despite her cries of “what do I wear”, Naomi throws on a coat of virgin hairs, eager to impress the client.

The Cast and the Furious

After a customary goat sacrifice, the girls are met by Models1 bookers. They are challenged to speed-date style castings; where they will try to book many jobs.

True to the Elle Mail, the girls’ first client is Daniel Lismore, a mix between Hades and an androgynous pop singer.

Prince (of the Underworld)

Sophie and Naomi both take minor tumbles, but Daniel assures them that they did well. Lauren, however, is praised for her naturally elegant strut. Likewise, Sarah and Saffron is lauded for working her tight red dress.

The second group, however, fails to be as professional. During Emma’s fitting, Angel is chastised for chatting. But the true disrespect comes from Abigail, who had the audacity to wear a blue bra. Daniel, a dedicated Smurfs hater, nearly foams at the mouth at the sight of Abigail’s garment. This rage boils over into Abi’s walk, where she trips over Daniel’s red-hot dress.

Girl on Ire

Now that he’s chosen some model representatives for the seven tits of Hell, the girls leave Daniel to walk for Ben De Lisi. Despite his intimidating posture, Ben assures the women that he’s going to give them constructive critics.

While Emily’s gallop fails to impress, Ben agrees that the star of the show is Naomi’s nose. Even though Angel and Emma try to prove him otherwise, Ben nose best and crowns Naomi as one of the best.

With the challenge concluded, Daniel and Ben choose their finalists. After some critique about confidence and overall poise, they have chosen…

ANGEL & SARAH. After picking Abigail and Emma to join their night-out, the other girls are relieved to spend some time without Angel. As they bask in the glory of ditching their guardian Angel, the girls get an

ELLE MAIL! “Do you fancy being the next queen of the castle? Don’t forget your buckets, and ditch your bikini. Luv Elle.”

Wither it’s foreshadowing to a nude shoot or a British coup d’etat, the girls are thrilled about the elusive message of the Mail.

Beaches & Cream

The next day, the girls are swept up early and taken to the beach (each, let’s go get away). They are met by Dannii Minogue and Joseph Sin Clair, but their main surprise is Jourdan Dunn, who will be advising the girls. Jourdan surprises the girls with the news that they will be wearing just jeans with the company of male models.

Sarah “transformed” into a vixen in the shoot, much to Dannii’s shock. Likewise, Naomi’s regal look works surprisingly well for this advert.

Long Live the Jean

Abigail was able to take direction well, and beat the cold to produce a steamy photograph. Jessica, on the other hand, was very awkward in her posing; letting her discomfort lead to a lack of variety.

Laura stood out during her sexy one-night stand, and Lauren was “so smoking”; half of the crew got lung cancer. Emily’s performance was merely second-hand smoke…

Angel and her male model had instant chemistry. With all the posing and arching, the shape was right and the ass looked heavenly. But enough about the male model…

Even though she was focusing more on the impending cold and covering up her nipples, Holly did manage to bring sexiness by the end of the shoot. Saffron was able to “grow from before” due to Dannii’s coaching.

Sophie suffered from the cold darkness at the end of the shoot, but was able to gain some good photos. From the very beginning, Emma was able to ooze sexual appeal. Watching the intense chemistry Emma and the male model displayed in this shoot was just enchanting. 

Hex on the Beach

At the end of the shoot, the girls worry about their performances.

Panel

As the girls view their photographs, the judges deliberate. While Elle appreciates Abigail’s features, Tyson calls her “a pretty girl, but not a model”. He also comments that Lauren is the star of the photo, a fact the women agree on. Laura and Sarah both get the sexy stamp of approval from the triad.

Dannii notes that Emily was more of a struggle to work with but Elle is fearful of Jessica’s inability to translate into photos. However, all three agree that Angel and Naomi hit the mark.

Tyson is worried that Holly’s body isn’t up to par, but her face is “wow”. He is also drawn to Saffron’s features, while the women find her lacking. Emma is praised by the trio but Sophie is “uncomfortable”.

“Of the thirteen of you, only nine of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”

















BOTTOM FOUR


Abigail, despite having one of "the better images", feels terrible about her performance in the go-sees. Tyson thinks that she doesn't "have it" but has been proven wrong in photos. Likewise, Holly's photo was better than her go-sees. Dannii was uninspired by her scattered mind on set and Elle warns her to tone down the make-up at panel.

Jessica's walk, despite being chastised by Daniel, is praised by the women. Tyson, sensing that she was uncomfortable on the shoot, utters advice that many women have used on him before: "fake it". Sophie seemed "bored" during the go-sees and her photo continues the lack of passion.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”"
Sophie, Holly, you are safe.

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. That girl is…”

JESSICA

She's upset that the "best time of her life" is over, but Jessica hopes to move on to better things.

Next week, the girls will take Polaroids with Nicki Johnston. If that wasn't terrifying enough, they will also slip underwater for a shot where Sarah freaks out. Don't you just want to comfort her? Anyway, until next time, hopefully Sarah can get over her fear of water and start smiling again...

Turn That Drown Upside Down!

BINTM c9 episode 3: "The Big O-lympic"

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the 14 finalists walked in a bridal runway show. Unlike Kim Kardashian, Angel and Naomi remained committed to the marriage, earning them both a challenge win. At a shoot for Company Magazine, Emma and Naomi transformed into Covergirls. And even though Sarah, Saffron, and Danielle were three’s company in the bottom, it was Christina who failed to take cover, making her the first victim of elimination. Only 13 girls remain, who will be eliminated tonight?

After the first cut, the girls are dumbfounded at Christina’s exit. While some girls cry about losing a friend, Sarah basks in her self-absorbed confessionals, letting her big head grow unchecked.

Ready, Set, (E)go

With Sarah occupied being egocentric, the other girls read the Elle Mail without her company. “Out with the old, in with the new. Love, Elle.”

Worried that her brittle age of 20 makes her a target of “out with the old”, Holly is determined to do anything to retain her spot in the competition. Saffron, on the other hand, feels that her look is very modern and is unwilling to receive a makeover.

Make-Over & Out

The next day, the girls are met by the three judges for makeovers. Elle shows off her own transformation, a copper mane. Tyson tells them that to have longevity in the business; a model must have a “unique” look (read: half-shaven heads and branded scalps)

Dannii prompts them to “trust” in the salon, stating that these monstrosities are the work of an expert. Holly, however, states that she’ll cry at the mention of the words “red, pixie cut, or scissor”. So when a Communist lesbian appears…

Saffron is also scared of the consequences of scissoring. When Tyson brings the news of the potential cut, she refuses to undergo a makeover. So, she receives a stiff warning and quick wash instead. With some freshly watered roots, Saffron’s hair makes her racially ambiguous “beauty” look even more extraterrestrial…

B.E.T. Phone Home

When Holly is told of her minimalist makeover, she’s elated. Coming from the 2011 Miss Ireland pageant, Holly is shocked to see that this competition is more focused on making modeling “a career”. Naomi, who agrees that three magazine covers and a spread constitutes a “career”, celebrates with Holly over her lack of a dramatic makeover.

The other girls also receive amplifications of their existing styles, with Jessica earning a blowout and Emma getting Scandinavian blonde extensions. In order to assess Angel, however, Dannii decides to extract that artifact of a weave and inspect the ruins of Angel’s scalp. After clearing out the cobwebs and various clumps of glue, Dannii decides to cover Angel with new tracks before the remnants of her hair singe through exposure to sunlight and fresh air.

Abigail, anxious about going short, sobs when Elle reveals their plans for a bob. “I’ve had a bob before, and it just didn’t work!” Abigail weeps, reminiscing about her failed relationship with Bob Saget. Even though she ultimately decides to refuse the makeover, she still manages to stay in Elle’s good graces by showing off her perfect model body.

Thin & Bones

As the other girls receive their new looks, some start to stress about their opponents. Tyson spews with glee at Lauren’s hair; whenever he gets an erection, she spouts a new curl. Watching Lauren’s ringlets multiply by the second, Danielle starts to feel insecure about the judge’s lukewarm response to her. Emily feels upset that she went through with her difficult makeover while the other two opted out of the change. By the end of the day, after getting severely chastised by the judges, Saffron and Abigail worry about their chances in this competition. 

According To Gym

The next day, the girls are taken to a countryside manor, where they are met by Tyson Beckford. He introduces the girls to their next challenge, posing on a pummel horse with British Olympian, Louis Smith.

Emily was first on the pummel horse, matching the stark athleticism of the shoot. Angel and her Naomi Campbell-esque weave also brought the psychical energy, proving that throwing phones is an adequate workout. After Lauren and Naomi set the standard high during their shoots, Abigail was able to push through yesterday’s worries and deliver model-worthy photos.

Even though Laura and Sophie both posed effortlessly with Louis, Danielle had some struggles with body placement. Starting of in an “awkward position”, Danielle was unable to relax her face and pose with vigor. By the end of the shoot, even the Olympian had lost faith in getting a good photo.

Going For the Bronze

Sarah brought a sexiness to her shoot; making her the clear favorite for sexually frustrated Equus fans. Even with her lack of makeover, Saffron was able to show versatility in her photos. Likewise, Holly brought a range of strong poses during her shoot. Emma, the most unathletic girl, was initially terrified of the pummel horse. But despite her lack of muscle and small model size (weighing only 14 instagrams), Emma was able to overcome the psychical strain of the shoot.

After the models finished their shoot, they were treated to brunch at a London hotel. With the promise of getting high (tea), the girls were excited to “let their hair down” for a relaxing day. With the marijuana in full effect, the girls get overly sappy; praising the tea and calling the baby-cakes “too cute to eat”. The Communist lesbian disagrees…

After getting to know each other better, Lauren reveals that at the age of 15, her mother kicked her out; resulting in a few years of homelessness. Even though she got back on her feet, Lauren feels that modeling is going to help her and her pregnant sister succeed. After some words of encouragement, Lauren and the other girls toast to their futures.

Panel

After some consultation about her look, Tyson feels that Saffron could be more “elevated” if she gets cut shorter. While Dannii likes Emily’s makeover, Elle is nervous that she can’t pull it the androgyny. However, all three find Sophie’s photo to be “dynamic”.

Dannii raves over Emma’s face but finds the body shape to be lacking. Tyson attests to the fact that Holly got such a “dominating” shot in 3 frames. The two women love Naomi’s ability to transform on camera. Tyson joins the ladies in praise of Sarah.

Angel has a versatility which Laura lacks. Jessica and Danielle both fail to impress the women, while Lauren blows Tyson away (and more curls are born). While Elle loves her profile, Dannii believes that Abigail cannot shoot straight forward without a shorter hairdo.

“Of the thirteen of you, only nine of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”



















BOTTOM FOUR



Elle feels that Danielle lacks a synergy, and Tyson agrees, warning her that “less is best” for her. Dannii believes that, despite the tension in her face, relaxing her body can elevate her poses.

While the judges love the emotion in the photo, Elle wonders if losing her “security blanket” will bring out more in her face. Tyson is glad that he found Abigail’s best angles (profile) and Abigail is genuinely sorry that she refused the makeover.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”"

Laura, Saffron, you are safe."

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running. That girl is…”

DANIELLE

Even though her "heart is broken", Danielle is proud of making it this far.

Next time, the girls will go to a fitting for a runway challenge. Afterwords, they will pose with male models on a beach, where Naomi apparently had sex/gets bitten. So, until then

The Lady Is A Vamp

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two/four? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c9 episode 2: "Take Cover"

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, twenty-eight girls were narrowed down after a runway and make-up free photoshoot. Now, fourteen girls have moved into the Top Model house. Who will be eliminated first?

The girls are awoken by their first Elle Mail: “You have crossed the threshold into the Top Model house. And tomorrow is the day that every girl dreams of. Love Elle”

With whisperings of ‘first kiss’, ‘first date’, and ‘Madonna’s retirement’ in the air, the girls all anxiously await what the next day brings.

My Big Fat Chic Wedding

After a wake-up call of 4:00 A.M., the girls arrive at the National Bridal Show, where they will be competing in their first challenge. After being debriefed by Ian Stuart, a British fashion designer, the girls discover that they will be walking for an audience of 3000 people. One-by-one, the girls strut for Jade Parfitt, who will be giving them tips to better their ambles.

While Laura and Naomi leave Ian worried about the confidence of the girls, Jade feels that Angel has an abundance of attitude; a trait necessary for brides-to-be.

Pridezillas

After this initial walk, the duo decides that there will only be nine girls walking in the show. With Lauren and Emily as the alpha and omega brides, the girls are quickly chosen, leaving Emma, Abigail, Jessica, Sarah, and Danielle as the rejected bridesmaids.

While Sarah tries to contain her disappointment, the other girls quickly practice their walks. In the final minutes of preparation, Ian and Jade realize that the dress sizes call for a change in the lineup. Naomi is shifted in order to allow Emma a chance to be a bride. At the very prospect of being a bridesmaid, Naomi dissolves into 27 messes.

Jade attempts to calm Naomi; stating that in the modeling industry, there is always competition and a thick skin is vital. Ian, like a true groom at the altar, awkwardly states that this could have been avoided if her measurements were different.

You May Now Diss the Bride

After some time to cool down, the girls are ready to begin. Abigail tries to soothe Naomi by saying that “bridesmaids have more fun anyway”. With the promises of chugging a bottle of wine while clutching a tear-soaked bridal magazine after the show, Naomi is excited for the life of a bridesmaid.

Lauren opens the show off with a bang, with Sophie and Angel following suit. Jess and Danielle, despite being initially upset about their bridesmaid status, gave sultry walks. Likewise, Naomi and Danielle pushed through to serve a solid performance.

Even though she held the right amount of attitude throughout her walk, Jade felt that Saffron’s look didn’t match the atmosphere of the show. I, for one, disagree, and am happy to pronounce you…

Tan & Wife

Still, Ian loved her walk. Emily closed the show, looking dapper with a veil and body-clutching dress.

After the show concludes, Ian and Jade announce that the two challenge winners would receive a special prize. Angel, for her radiance throughout the entire day, took home the first prize. Due to her growth during the show, the second win was awarded to Naomi.

When they get home, the two victors are met with 500 pounds (£ not ‘pounds’, even though the differences are minute) worth of clothes and jewelry. While Naomi celebrates her win, the other girls cuddle atop her metric ton of clothes and begin to sob at their loss when they get an…

Elle Mail! “Are you in good company? Find out tomorrow. Love, Elle.”

Heads, Shoulders, (Compa)nies, and Toes

The girls are met by Dannii Minogue and the editor-in-chief of Company Magazine for a cover try. 

As the girls were preparing for the shoot, Sarah harbored some feelings of insecurity from last night’s critiques. Holly went up first, giving the photographer the right amount of sex appeal. Christina, on the other hand, went for more quirky and inspired poses.

Abigail was given the “too sexy” threat, but she managed to reel it in by the end of her shoot. When Sarah began her posing, Dannii had concerns about her outfit being too steamy. Even after changing into something less revealing, the fear of being “too sexy for Company” remained; prompting Sarah to start sobbing. Because the target demographic for Company is apparently ‘crying Disney princess’ fetishists.

Weeping Beauty

However, after some inspirational words from Dannii, Sarah was able to kick the kink and give cute subdued poses. Likewise, Saffron struggled with her angles after being chastised by the photographer. Danielle also brought a lackluster performance, making it difficult to choose a good photo.

Emma and Jess, on the other hand, impressed the photographer with an air of confidence on set. Lauren wowed Dannii with her versatility, being deemed the best of the day.

After the shoot, the girls return home to an elimination e-mail, which states that only 13 of them will continue on in the hopes of becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.

PANEL

Introducing a new format to judging, the girls have been given a chance to view their photos beforehand. While they confer, the judges deliberate to decide on a bottom four. Only those four girls will be given critique, and one will be eliminated.

While the judging triad is impressed by Holly, Tyson is put off by Danielle’s awkwardness. Dannii loved working with Jessica and her addictive personality, and Elle likes Emily’s feminine strength. Tyson thinks that Christina is either “always on or always off” and the women think she’s off.

With Angel and Lauren both having “top model bodies”, Abigail is seen as “tacky” in comparison. Dannii notes that Saffron was difficult from start to end, but some girls, like Laura and Naomi, worked since the beginning.

The other girls are given mixed criticisms, but one thing is for certain: a bottom four is clear.

“Of the fourteen of you, only ten of you are safe. The other four will remain in the room, where we will have a closer look at your work. Afterwards, one of you will leave. The girl who received picture of the week is…”





















Bottom Four



With the bottom four announced, the judges assess the girls’ photos. Dannii tries to help her with her walk, and when her photoshoot in motion is shown, Saffron discovers that she needs facial variety. Elle wants Danielle to stop being “blocked with fear” and her walk reveals she is too stiff.

Tyson is nervous that Christina’s bubbly personality hasn’t translated well, and Dannii wants her to work on finding a balance between tranquility and insanity. While Sarah did the best on the runway, the judges feel that she didn’t fulfill the brief of the Company shoot. Now, the judges will deliberate to reveal the eliminated model.

“Four of you stand before me and the portfolio in my hands belongs to the girl who is not still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Having said that…”

Sarah, Saffron, you are safe.

“Now, the girl who I call is no longer in the running. That girl is…”

Christina

She is, however, still grateful for the experience, and will continue modeling.

Next week, the girls will have their makeovers, where Abigail feels unattractive (makeovers=mirrors). Then, they will undergo a gymnastics photoshoot with a man. Don’t want to miss it!

BINTM c9 premiere: "The Cast & The Furious"

After a year to recover from last series’ jaffa-tinted failure, we venture across the pond for a novel cycle of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. There have been some changes to the judges’ table that we’ve all grown to know and love (?)

With his restraining order against mediocrity in full effect, Julian McDonald has resigned from being a BINTM judge. Likewise, last series sent Whitney Port running toward The Hills. The new judging triad consists of Elle McPherson, Tyson Beckford, and Danii, a woman famous for sharing the same womb as Kylie Minogue.

Elle and the gang manage to crop all 55 auditioners (a BINTM record!) into a mere 28 semi-finalists, which they immediately fly out into the bowels of London.

Before the judges begin their critiques, we get to learn a little about the girls. Sarah, who grew up on an Irish farm, is intimidated by this diverse competition. Sarah is fearful that the judges lack compassion; unimpressed that Carrie Bradshaw is only source of fashion knowledge.

Sex and the Pity

Angel M. is not impressed, stating that she’s more of a Miranda fan. When confronted by Angel O, she self-proclaims that she is the “Top Angel”. Now, if I remember correctly, Lucifer was also a top so…

Janay wants to be a “supermodel”. After demonstrating that she has a nice walk, Janay comments that she also has the brains; boasting an “A in maths”. Even though she really puts the bra in algebra, Janay is chastised by the other girls for choosing books over looks.

Before they get down to business, Elle reveals that the winner will be featured in a Revlon campaign, a TreSemeé ad, and be carted off to New York. She warns them that by the next two casting days, only 14 girls will be allowed into the Top Model house.

Walk the Line

After Danii tells the girls of their first runway challenge, they hectically sprint to the catwalk in preparation. One-by-one, the girls strut down while telling the judges a bit about themselves.

Emily, a former Cadet trainer for the Army, hopes to impress the judges with her determination. Even though Elle believes that Emily can serve great poses, Danii feels that serving the country is more suitable.

Usually a lover of women’s holes, Tyson uncharacteristically chastises Laura for having piercings. Lucy, on the other hand, is praised for being a University of Sussex scholar. While her love of tea charms Danii, her pussy(cat) is what really captivates Tyson.

Abi entrances the judges with her dance moves. While Tyson’s face reddens, his balls begin to match the color of Abi’s jeans instead.

When asked what her best feature is, Christina gloats about her big…personality. She insists that modeling gives her a buzz (is that what the kids are calling meth these days?)

Angel M. is also ecstatic about the competition. After she inhales puffs of air, she transforms into her alter-ego “A”. When she’s not terrorizing the cast of Pretty Little Liars, A can be seen as a “fierce diva”. Angel assures us that she’s not a psycho, but if those bangs are any indication…

The second Angel fails to impress. But before she falls from the judges’ good graces, Angel manages to serve up a killer walk. Holly, on the other hand, impresses all three.

During the judge’s deliberations, feelings are split about Emma’s presence. Angel, on the other hand, is lauded by all three as “striking”. While Tyson likes Saffron and Elle fawns over bubbly Christina, Danii is impressed with neither sugar nor spice.

To showcase the first cut, Elle and co. take the girls to a model stand to look for their photos. While eight of the girls face the end of the road, the 20 finalists continue on to the second day of casting.

Make Me Up Before You Go-Go

In a challenge to discern raw talent, Elle beckons the girls to pair up for a make-up free photoshoot. With their lack of cosmetics, the girls are only a couple of corn husks away from gracing the covers of Amish Weekly.

While the girls scrape off the make-up from their faces, worry starts to set in. Some girls are scared of their untouched noses (a.k.a. the Michael Jackson Syndrome) while others grew nervous at posing with a group.

Emma, Angel, Laura, and Hannah headline the first shoot. While all the girls had some minor upsets, Angel is especially upset for not bringing her “A” game. Instead of crying about her failures, Angel smiles manically; silently whispering the vowel over and over like a deranged Sesame Street character.

Brought To You By The Letter…

The second grouping of Lauren, Jessica, Claire, and Saffron doesn’t fare much better. With the toss of some hair and a bit of coaching from Elle, the girls manage to create a cohesive photo.

Before the shoot, Elizabeth’s nerves get the better of her. As the camera flashes, petrified Elizabeth bursts out crying. In an attempt to calm her down, Elle ponders “what’s the worst that can happen?”WRINKLES! Elizabeth weeps in mid-sob. Luckily, Elle is able to coax her, and the group starts to shoot. Despite wading in her puddle of tears, Elizabeth and the other girls are able to pose nicely.

When Angel O, Abigail, Danielle, and Naomi take the stage, there are some slip-ups. Angel is unable to give facial variety, and when given the “don’t look like a porn star” command by Tyson, Abigail transforms from a porn star to a

nevermind…

The final group consists of Alexandria, Sophie, Carly, and Sarah. While Sophie and Sarah nail almost every shoot, Carly and her nipple ring fail to pierce through mediocrity.

Now that all twenty semi-finalists have completed their photoshoot, the judges deliberate to pick the 14 girls who will make it into the Top Model house.

While they all praise Laura and Emma’s transformation on set, Tyson is uninspired by Christina. Elle is “gutted” by Angel O’s lackluster performance, and Danii wanted Carly to pose better. After a difficult deliberation, the groups are called in one at a time.

Hannah is cut from the first group for her lack of variety. Likewise, Claire is exiled from Group #2. While Elizabeth and Angel O. are chopped from the next two groups, Group #5 sees a double elimination with Alexandria and Carly both leaving.

With the fourteen finalists moving into the Top Model house, the competition heats up. Between all of the tears, fears, and queers, we’re in for a hell of a season! From snakes to underwater to even shooting with Paula Deen (pictured below), these girls are going to undertake an intense journey; but there can only be one

Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Mooooodel