Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models let everything hang out during a nude runway with silly string. After his win, Keith shared his girthy prize with Kari. At a wet and steamy shoot, Will was swept up. But it was Ivy who drowned on set; becoming the first model to leave. Now, only thirteen remain; who will be eliminated tonight?
Tyra described it as an “expensive film.” Aside from the shirts they got half-off at the Gap, I fail to see anything that reads extravagant here. They’re as washed-up as Tyra’s career. The fact that she compares this to “fine art” is an insult.
Manneken Diss
Now that the models have sufficiently worshipped at Sunday (m)Ass, they head over to meet Yu Tsai for their next photoshoot. He introduces the concept of optical illusions, where they will be shot sideways on the ground.
Since they’re cheap and Tyra is horny, even more staff has been dropped from Top Model. A “new” stylist appears to glance at the males changing backstage. Nice try Tyra! First you scrawl x’s on the guys’ torsos (probably predicting their future careers) and now you’re straight up stripping them for your enjoyment. Tyra, you’re as thirsty as that wig on your head.
Backstage, the models discuss their fears about the shoot. While Tyra lurks in the hunt for a nip slip, Denzel lets out a different type of secret.
Denzel: “I’ve never ridden a bi-"
*Romeo enters*
Denzel: “-cycle.”
*Romeo exits*
Since we’re already disappointed, Adam decides to start his shoot. After he sits on the stoop and does some poses, Yu Tsai disappointedly declares, “you’re so tiny!” If only that was the first time Adam’s heard that complaint…
Romeo walks on set and hits unorthodox poses. “Look at him, he’s such a joke,” Adam says in between chugs. King Lear ignores the crowd and concentrates on making dynamic shapes in front of the camera.
During Will’s photoshoot, Matthew notices how much of a “handsome model” he is. Between his great performance on set and Matthew’s newfound appreciation, it looks like Will is gonna have a gay ol’ time.
Marry Poppins
In comparison, Denzel’s shoot lacks the same energy. After some harsh words from Yu Tsai (“where’s that Golden Globe for American Gangster, Denzel?!”), he storms off set. He talks to Mirjana and cools down with her flirty comfort. He returns and brings a newfound strength to his pictures.
After the shoot, the models are greeted with a Tyra Mail announcing their makeovers. Tyra Banks introduces them and, before they begin, instructs the models to spit in a cup.
Unfortunately, it is not a surprise drug test (you're safe for now, Adam): Tyra just wants to know about their DNA. That way, the next time someone is eliminated, we can simply blame their parents! Good call, Ty!
Anyway, Tyra announces that the real purpose of this test will be revealed in the “most special and artistic way.” Considering Mirjana’s flirting, I would assume it’s a special model-themed episode of Maury.
You Are NOT the Father
In addition to this, she tells the models a list of makeovers they will receive. Since the show can’t fund any recombinant DNA surgery, we’ll have to settle for cosmetic changes. Shei is given a half-and-half white & black look. Tyra may want to eat out most of the guys, but that doesn’t stop her from turning Shei into an Oreo.
Since making Romeo into a blond is too simple, Tyra gave him grey contacts that impede his vision. Since vitiligo and terrible fashion taste aren’t enough, Tyra has decided to create her own disabilities.
“Chantelle,” Tyra announces, “we want your hair to match your skin.” On a scale of 1 to a Katy Perry music video, how offensive is this?
But the most heinous has to be Denzel’s transformation. “Lace front weave...on your face!” Tyra spews with pride. Denzel may seem happy about this “expensive” makeover, but I’m sure the only Bank he wants to break is Tyra…
Nevertheless, he smiles and takes the new look in stride. He must really want to impress Tyra, because I would never let that assortment of pubic hairs near my face.
Not By The Hairpiece on My Chiny Chin Chin
Kari is also unhappy with her makeover. Even though Tyra tries to convince her that blonde hair and eyebrows make her “edgy”, Kari insists she looks alienesque.
“I look so cheap,” Kari bawls. “People are going to think I’m a stripper.” I disagree, I think that Kari looks amazing; but then again, I’m not really familiar with stripper trends.
Back in the house, the models adjust to their looks. Romeo and Kari begin their fun-filled lives as blondes while Denzel repeatedly strokes the beaver on his face.
Matthew is convinced that Will’s makeover has made him even more attractive. Not limited by any notions of sexuality, Matthew gives Will a kiss.“1 Down, 5 to Go!” a voice cries in the distance.
Since he sees “Abercrombie” and “20 lb.” in his daily life, Keith demands that Matthew put a label on himself. Even after he defends his position, Keith stands by his assertion that Matthew is gay. “If you do it once, there’s no coming back.” I’m pretty sure that’s not the rule, Keith.
.Tyra was on the cover of Fishing Quarterly once. Is she a model?
.Romeo has seen Wicked before. Has he become a grand witch?
.Adam talked to a girl without vomiting once. Does that make him any less of a virgin?
.Romeo has seen Wicked before. Has he become a grand witch?
.Adam talked to a girl without vomiting once. Does that make him any less of a virgin?
With the question of his sexuality answered, Matthew meets the other models in the living room, where they get a Tyra Mail about the impending elimination.
PANEL
Matthew: Kelly Cutrone is reminded of the “circus” and Miss Jay likes the energy. He gets two 8s and a 7.
Shei: Tyra thinks Shei is too “posey” and not caught in a moment. She gets two 7s and a 6.
Will: Tyra thinks he has a “good personality” but Kelly hates the candidness of the pose. She gives him a 7 while the others award him 9s.
Denzel: Miss Jay feels that the attitude is missing, and gives him a 7 with Tyra. Kelly hands him an 8.
Mirjana: Tyra is distracted by the “lazy eye”, and Miss Jay doesn't like the pose. She gets a 7 and two 8s from the ladies.
Ben: Kelly likes the “something extra” this photograph provides. She gives him an 8 while the others praise him with 9s.
Chantelle: The judges agree that she is “too stiff”. She gets a 6 and two 7s.
Raelia: Miss Jay is unimpressed with her “good proportions” and gives her a 7. The ladies elongate their praise with 9s.
Adam: Kelly thinks he looks like a “construction worker” and bombs him with a 6. He also gets a 7 and 8.
Lenox: She has a “believable” pose and gets a 10 from Tyra. The other judges hand her some 8s.
Keith: Even though he’s coasting (getting a 7 and 8), the intensity is why Tyra gives him a 9.
Romeo: He has “no energy” in his photo but gets two 8s and a 7.
Kari: She has a pose full of “confusion” and has no neck. She gets two 7s and a 6.
“Now the judges and I will add up these scores to see who will still be in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.”
“The model with best picture is…”
BEN (33.7)
LENOX (33.6)
WILL (31.6)
RAELIA (30.9)
KEITH (30.8)
MATTHEW (30.3)
MIRJANA (29.4)
ROMEO (28.8)
DENZEL (28.2)
SHEI (27.3)
ADAM (26.8)
"Kari and Chantelle, by a vote of 26.4 to 26.3, the girl who is still in the running is..."
KARI
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