The Bloods & Lips
Nevertheless, Tyra and Rob scour the country to find models that have what it takes to make it to the top. Rob wants to find the guys with “swag”, which according to context clues, means overcompensation for small dicks.
After auditions throughout the nation, Tyra personally calls the 35 semi-finalists to invite them to L.A. This is met with a montage of screaming and praise to several deities. Rob, jealous that Tyra can make more women scream out to the Lord than he, decides to align with the men.
Chris H. tells us that he has had to work hard because his mother had him at the age of fifteen. Likewise, Mike is also a worker, managing his own food truck in Los Angeles. Alexandra tells us that she almost died on her way to the auditions, but even near-death scares cannot take away the excitement of ANTM’s ten year anniversary!
As the models start to squirm in anticipation, Johnny Wujek shows up with invites to a masquerade ball. With his ever-lovely charm, he announces that the models will wear masks and after paring up, amble down the runway and kiss at the end. With all the chemistry both on and off the runway, someone is definitely getting
Masque-laid
Backstage, the girls squeal at finally getting to see the guys. Likewise, the men get pumped up by doing push-ups and squats and other exercises that I despise from my living room couch.
The Ball begins with the French Master of Ceremonies (and his subtitles) announcing the models. And let it be decreed that in that hour, the English language was butchered more than the day Amanda Bynes joined twitter.
One-by-one, the girls and boys chose a partner to walk the runway with. Nina needed a “strong man”, but when presented with her options, opted to waltz with Don. Virgg, the winner of Tyra’s Instagram contest and currently transitioning woman, wanted to make a statement and chose the hairy Phil.
As the amount of participants dwindled, Cory decided to “stay true to himself” and grabbed the closest man. Chris H., never one to disappoint the ladies, swept up the extra female and left Chlea and Bianca to strut together.
After the show, the models start to mingle. Delten announces that he is a plumber from Alaska. That’s right, folks! The man who fixes Sarah Palin’s plumbing and installs sinks in igloos is none other than our charming (and perpetually stoned-looking) Delten!
Half-Baked Alaska
Marvin shares a similar experience, having grown up in a less-than-desirable location. Marvin tells the judges that he grew up with 7 siblings and growing up in the South Bronx, dodging shanks and gunshots was a way of life. Teary-eyed, he admits that his father is a janitor, and after some soothing from Rob, is able to say it with pride.
Jeremy, the Christian boy, also confides in the judges. He struggled with weight problems and was heavily bullied (no, I’m not making that pun) during his childhood.
Ronald, on the other hand, brimmed with confidence when asked about his past. He proudly stated that he’d “never been cut from the football team. Never been cut from the basketball team. Never been cut...” *camera zooms in on Marvin from the South Bronx*
“But all that can change.”
Phil is the next to encounter the judges and well, how do I even begin to explain Phil Sullivan?
Phil Sullivan is flawsome.
He has two shoes, and a Silver roll of tape.
I hear his beard is insured for $10,000.
One time he met Kelly Cutrone in a casting, and she told him he was pretty.
One time he was punched in the balls. It was awesome.
And he doesn’t stop there. When asked to describe his photo with Virgg, Phil comments that “we’re hungry. We gotta eat.” Well, if you’re ever feeling hunger pangs, I’ve got a great (and possibly bisexual?)meal for you:
Philly Cheesesteak
Backstage, the scene is, simply put, “macadamia nuts”. The chemistry is surely real amongst these contestants and Scarlet letters are being flung left and right. With the amount of thirst in that area, the S can easily stand for ‘Sierra Desert.’ Jourdan, however, isn’t as fazed by the pandemonium; as she reveals that she was married (and divorced) at 18. She has learned from that experience and plans to not be distracted by the boys.
Kanani is up next with the judges. Despite her confession about having a 1 ½ year old daughter, the judges feel that she has an “elegance” about her. That elegance, however, does not radiate to the others, as we clearly see with Don.
When asked what the three most important things in his life are, he proudly gloats “money, women, and attention.” Even after placing women second, Don openly admits that he has thoughts of cheating on his girlfriend with a “real model” soon. Needless to say, his left hand is not happy…
After the judges have met all the semi-finalists, they must crop down the pack to 26. Those 26 models move into the Top Model house (temporarily) where Tyra and Rob advise them about the fashion world. Rob warns the guys not to fall into temptation and Tyra teaches the women the difference between sensuality and porn. Jiana, a self-acclaimed flirt of “man, woman, or child”, is confused.
Wanting to break the ice a bit, Chris H. decides to go around and punch some of the guys’ nether regions. Phil does not like it rough, so Chris H. goes off into seclusion and decides to do some pot instead.
Nina is a “helper”, so she decides to go and talk to Chris H. He lets his guard down and the two begin to form a friendship. Luckily, the two "misunderstood" models share a moment together. With all the drama in the house, the models are excited for their first photoshoot.
Johnny (and Bryanboy…) tell the models that during their shoot, their images will be projected on the buildings of L.A., where passerby can text and vote. Nina is “quirky in a good way” in the front of the camera, much like the “wandering soul” Phil.
Despite having some “bad vibes” in the beginning, Chris H. was able to take Johnny’s direction on set. Alexandra excelled in both her variant poses and rallying votes from the public.
Johnny feels that neither Jourdan nor Jeremy have much confidence in front of the camera. Delten also fails to impress with his lack of variety. Mike, on the other hand, proves that he deserves his spot in the house during the shoot.
Don was “working the crowd” during his photoshoot and both Marvin and Chris S. were deemed “fierce” by Johnny. But the true scene stealer was Virgg. She embodies the early ‘80s Madonna look, and her poses capture the true blue essence.
Like A Virggin
While the judges deliberate about the 8 guys and 8 girls that will make it though, tensions continue to build in the house. Jourdan and Jeremy, after some goading by Cory, talk about a possible friendship. Jourdan thinks that Jeremy has a crush on her, and calls him out for “following her everywhere”. Jeremy is baffled by this accusation, and abandons in the pool.
Marvin decides to call his father to thank him for his contributions. After some tears and the repetition of ‘pop’, I’m unsure whether Marvin was speaking to his dad or ordering some soda; but either way, good for him!
Before Tyra reveals the sixteen models that are going through, Virgg sits down with her and explains that her transitioning is having some adverse effects on her health and decides to drop out of the competition.
Behind Tyra, the models see a vertical runway for Guess, but only sixteen of them will have the privilege of walking on it. So, who are those models?
And next time on Top Model, the 16 finalists will compete in a Guess fashion show during a thunderstorm where they will ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶i̶c̶h̶a̶e̶l̶ ̶J̶a̶c̶k̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶n̶ walk on a vertical runway. Sounds positively dark and terrifying. So, until next time...
Smooth Griminal
And next time on Top Model, the 16 finalists will compete in a Guess fashion show during a thunderstorm where they will ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶i̶c̶h̶a̶e̶l̶ ̶J̶a̶c̶k̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶n̶ walk on a vertical runway. Sounds positively dark and terrifying. So, until next time...
Smooth Griminal
