The rest of the contestants feign excitement for their “top model” careers over the watery grave. Now that Tyra’s done away with the height requirement, these Liars are Pretty and Little!
Nevertheless, everyone grabs their balls <ahem> and enters the Top Model House. Before anyone can spread their panty juices onto a bed, the Property Brothers make an appearance. Jonathan and Drew Scott, also known as the Property Brothers, reveal that Tyra hired them to...decorate the Top Model house. We all know how much Tyra Banks love hardwood…
Sadly, the love is strictly platonic:
Bello is very fascinated by the House. He came to L.A. with only $100 in his pocket, so Bello understands a budget. You can’t waste money on frivolous shit like couches and indoor plumbing, you need to live “like a model”: #runwaysnotrunningwater.
After a tour of the facility, the Property Brothers take the models over to the Tyra Suite. Just like their relationship with Tyra, the Brothers state that the Suite is “off limits”. Before someone can become bestowed with the Suite, they must go fight over the leftover bedrooms.
They segregated the models in Not Too Short & Not Too Tall bedrooms. Tyra just single-handedly set back the Equal Rights Movement twenty years. Luckily, Bello decides to be a diplomat (sorry Mamé) and befriends some of the shorter girls like Ava and Courtney. No wonder Bello was upset about his broken crown; it was his homage to Martin Luther King.
Still, there are twenty-two models and only fourteen beds available (thirteen after Mamé’s diplomatic immunity kicks in). With such egotistical ramble on the walls like“shorttastic”, “super smize”, and “hail
Now that people have begun to settle in, the Property Brothers introduce the Posing Station! Alongside with Yu Tsai and Miss Jay; the Property Brothers will bestow the first Tyra Suite key to the best poser in the house.
And with that, we have our first posing challenge of the season:
In the end, Ava and Mamé are the last two standing. Who will win: the War Diplomat or the War on Drugs? Unfortunately, the last question does not involve Christian singing group Mary Mary and Mamé claims the Tyra Suite as her own.
Now, here’s where the real scandal happens. Mamé can either pick one of her friends or a hot guy to share the Tyra Suite with. Given that Tyra originally adorned the Suite with candles, loveseats, and TB + JS + DS carved into the walls, the choice should be obvious. However, Mamé decides to be diplomatic and chooses a random semi-finalist to share her prize with instead.
Before she moves into the Tyra Suite, Mamé confesses that she wants to focus on the competition because she wants to return to her life of luxury. After being forced to live in “the hood” for the second half of her life, Mamé wants to leave that (third) world behind.
The Property Brothers hear Mamé’s plea and attempt to bring out her privileged side:
Poor Mamé, she has a scissor in her hand and doesn’t know what to do. Has “the hood” taught you nothing? Cut girl, cut!
Once inside, the Property Brothers make one final announcement. Everytime someone enters the Tyra Suite, they will be greeted with a “special” video from Tyra. Guys will get a more ‘sensual’ message than the girls, but Tyra losing her mind on screen knows no gender.
With that out of the way, the models retreat to the bedrooms and configure the sleeping arrangements. Mikey takes this opportunity to propose to all the ladies that he’s a great sleeping buddy. Since the only men she’s ever seen in her life include her father and the neighborhood scarecrow, Courtney snatches up the chance to cuddle up with Mikey.
Before the models can retire for the night, Hadassah feels the need to hold an emergency house meeting.
No, Mamé, not a White House meeting…
Hadassah lays down the rules in an orderly fashion. “Don’t drink anything that is labeled as mine, don’t leave things dirty in my vicinity, and don’t stare at me from a distance.” Hadassah demands. “I really just don’t want any awkward tension,” she tells the twenty one sleep-deprived models at 1 in the morning.
Lacey decides to pipe up. “I just think you’re being unfair,” she pouts. When Hadassah explains that it’s simply her method of living with strangers, Lacey responds with the fact that “everyone hates her”. NOW WHO’S MAKING THE AWKWARD TENSION, LACEY?
Delanie holds Lacey back and prevents the squabble from going any farther. While Lacey and Hadassah fume at opposite sides of the house, Nyle comes in to break the (awkward) tension. His phone is equipped with an app that can translate his sign language, speak the conversions instantaneously, and switch between hearing and talking to provide dialogue between Nyle and the other models.
I mean, that’s impressive and all, but the Line App has pictures of bunnies and a colorful background: so I consider this quite a step-down from last cycle…
The next day, the models are welcomed to the L.A. Citywalk by Yu Tsai and Kelly Cutrone. Yu explains that this week’s photoshoot will involve “censoring your important parts” with hashtags.
“Yes, hashtags are very important,” Kelly Cutrone reads from her script.
"These photos can go viral on the twitter and ourspace dot com”
After explaining the concept to these youngings, Kelly introduces our resident photographer, Erik Asla! I’m glad to see that Erik and Tyra are still together: I understand that relationships at that age are much harder to maintain. What was only one year for us is really seven years for older people (and twenty-one for retired models like Tyra).
With that, Yu whisks them away to hair and makeup. While everyone is getting ready for their shoot, Alexa starts leaking (from her eyes, you nasties).
She confides in Kelly and Yu Tsai. She claims that a childhood of being “bullied for her prettiness” has taken a toll on her. Alexa feels that this competition will bring back those memories and it’s too much for her to take. Yu Tsai, shocked that other people would steal his “bullying pretty people” gig, attempts to console Alexa.
Kelly also tries her hand at soothing the crying model. She promises that the modelling world is harsh but she can help Alexa grow thicker skin. Strangely, Alexa denies both of the mentors.
Alexa, sorry to burst your...bubble, but if Kelly Cutrone is showing you compassion, you take it! Like a blue moon or a photo of Naomi Campbell that Tyra hasn’t defaced, seeing a nice Kelly Cutrone is extremely rare.
Nevertheless, Alexa decides to leave the competition. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya (and the doctor later enhanced ya).
Ava is the first one to start shooting. She’s terrified of the “fans everywhere.” Oh, well you don’t have to worry about them, Ava, they’re just extras Tyra borrowed from the Property Brothers.
After her initial fear, Ava ends up hitting some strong poses. Likewise, Bello receives praise from Yu. “Bello is either someone you love or hate,” Yu Tsai admits. “I haven’t decided yet.” Destroy a scepter in his presence before you make your choice, Yu.
Bryant is confident in his abilities behind the camera. Prior to the competition, he has an admirable following on Instagram and brags that some of his images are “household photos”.
Well if it’s good enough for André Leon Talley’s salon, it’s good enough for me.
This photo however, is a different story. Yu Tsai is frustrated that Bryant isn’t giving variation is his poses. He fears that Bryant’s underwear modelling background may be too limiting.
Backstage, Devin is prepping for his shoot by mocking other models. Bello claims that Devin is a “mean girl”. Well, he’s certainly not Regina George, he doesn’t have Gretchen Weiner’s complexity, maybe the girl who looks like Danny DeVito?
Nevertheless, when Devin gets on set, his performance is anything but fetch. Yu Tsai doesn’t like his erratic energy and inconsistency behind the camera. Devin claims that he’s been “modelling for seven years.” Judging by his poses, I’m assuming that experience was from age 1-7.
Unfazed by the drama, Courtney and Nyle are able to produce spectacular photographs. Unfortunately for them, not everyone can tune out the theatrics. After receiving the harsh feedback, Devin starts bawling backstage.
Bello immediately calls Devin out for being a “drama queen.” Devin swears all of his tears are genuine. Until we get a new crown on set, the truth will never be known.
But the conflict doesn’t stop here. When the models return to the House, Bello confronts “el diablo” Devin. “Devin is completely fake,” says Bello’s extensions. I can’t really fault Bello though. When you have as many personalities as Devin, some of them are bound to be fictitious.
Devin starts screaming and spitting at Bello; like a diablo undergoing an exorcism. Ashley and Mikey separate the two and try to defuse the situation. After seeing Mikey’s hair,Devil Devin’s fear of crosses must have kicked in because he stopped the conflict immediately.
The next day, the judges come together to deliberate on the final fourteen. After some tough deliberation, there is one more challenge. The models will be walking a runway suspended in the air above a shipyard.
Who will flounder? Who will float on top? Tune in next week to find out on an all-new episode of Tit-anic.
No, Mamé, not a White House meeting…
Hadassah lays down the rules in an orderly fashion. “Don’t drink anything that is labeled as mine, don’t leave things dirty in my vicinity, and don’t stare at me from a distance.” Hadassah demands. “I really just don’t want any awkward tension,” she tells the twenty one sleep-deprived models at 1 in the morning.
Lacey decides to pipe up. “I just think you’re being unfair,” she pouts. When Hadassah explains that it’s simply her method of living with strangers, Lacey responds with the fact that “everyone hates her”. NOW WHO’S MAKING THE AWKWARD TENSION, LACEY?
Delanie holds Lacey back and prevents the squabble from going any farther. While Lacey and Hadassah fume at opposite sides of the house, Nyle comes in to break the (awkward) tension. His phone is equipped with an app that can translate his sign language, speak the conversions instantaneously, and switch between hearing and talking to provide dialogue between Nyle and the other models.
I mean, that’s impressive and all, but the Line App has pictures of bunnies and a colorful background: so I consider this quite a step-down from last cycle…
The next day, the models are welcomed to the L.A. Citywalk by Yu Tsai and Kelly Cutrone. Yu explains that this week’s photoshoot will involve “censoring your important parts” with hashtags.
“Yes, hashtags are very important,” Kelly Cutrone reads from her script.
"These photos can go viral on the twitter and ourspace dot com”
After explaining the concept to these youngings, Kelly introduces our resident photographer, Erik Asla! I’m glad to see that Erik and Tyra are still together: I understand that relationships at that age are much harder to maintain. What was only one year for us is really seven years for older people (and twenty-one for retired models like Tyra).
With that, Yu whisks them away to hair and makeup. While everyone is getting ready for their shoot, Alexa starts leaking (from her eyes, you nasties).
She confides in Kelly and Yu Tsai. She claims that a childhood of being “bullied for her prettiness” has taken a toll on her. Alexa feels that this competition will bring back those memories and it’s too much for her to take. Yu Tsai, shocked that other people would steal his “bullying pretty people” gig, attempts to console Alexa.
Kelly also tries her hand at soothing the crying model. She promises that the modelling world is harsh but she can help Alexa grow thicker skin. Strangely, Alexa denies both of the mentors.
Alexa, sorry to burst your...bubble, but if Kelly Cutrone is showing you compassion, you take it! Like a blue moon or a photo of Naomi Campbell that Tyra hasn’t defaced, seeing a nice Kelly Cutrone is extremely rare.
Nevertheless, Alexa decides to leave the competition. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya (and the doctor later enhanced ya).
Ava is the first one to start shooting. She’s terrified of the “fans everywhere.” Oh, well you don’t have to worry about them, Ava, they’re just extras Tyra borrowed from the Property Brothers.
After her initial fear, Ava ends up hitting some strong poses. Likewise, Bello receives praise from Yu. “Bello is either someone you love or hate,” Yu Tsai admits. “I haven’t decided yet.” Destroy a scepter in his presence before you make your choice, Yu.
Bryant is confident in his abilities behind the camera. Prior to the competition, he has an admirable following on Instagram and brags that some of his images are “household photos”.
Well if it’s good enough for André Leon Talley’s salon, it’s good enough for me.
This photo however, is a different story. Yu Tsai is frustrated that Bryant isn’t giving variation is his poses. He fears that Bryant’s underwear modelling background may be too limiting.
Backstage, Devin is prepping for his shoot by mocking other models. Bello claims that Devin is a “mean girl”. Well, he’s certainly not Regina George, he doesn’t have Gretchen Weiner’s complexity, maybe the girl who looks like Danny DeVito?
Nevertheless, when Devin gets on set, his performance is anything but fetch. Yu Tsai doesn’t like his erratic energy and inconsistency behind the camera. Devin claims that he’s been “modelling for seven years.” Judging by his poses, I’m assuming that experience was from age 1-7.
Unfazed by the drama, Courtney and Nyle are able to produce spectacular photographs. Unfortunately for them, not everyone can tune out the theatrics. After receiving the harsh feedback, Devin starts bawling backstage.
Bello immediately calls Devin out for being a “drama queen.” Devin swears all of his tears are genuine. Until we get a new crown on set, the truth will never be known.
But the conflict doesn’t stop here. When the models return to the House, Bello confronts “el diablo” Devin. “Devin is completely fake,” says Bello’s extensions. I can’t really fault Bello though. When you have as many personalities as Devin, some of them are bound to be fictitious.
Devin starts screaming and spitting at Bello; like a diablo undergoing an exorcism. Ashley and Mikey separate the two and try to defuse the situation. After seeing Mikey’s hair,
The next day, the judges come together to deliberate on the final fourteen. After some tough deliberation, there is one more challenge. The models will be walking a runway suspended in the air above a shipyard.
Who will flounder? Who will float on top? Tune in next week to find out on an all-new episode of Tit-anic.
