ANTM c20 episode 7: "Finger-Licking Good"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the guys and girls became fashion correspondents in the streets of Hollywood. After winning, Jeremy and Jourdan went on a sponsored date (we’re in a recession, guys…) Then, the models paired up for a gender-swapping fragrance commercial. While Cory strutted as a convincing female, Alexandra failed to be the best(osterone); and was eliminated. 

While Cory treats Jiana to the splendors of his Guess closet, the guys huddle around and decide to pull a prank on the girls. Their meeting went a little something like this:

Don: How ‘bout we flush Jourdan’s birth control, yo? Not like she needs it.
Jeremy: Nah! I’ll make my move soon, bro. Just me a month or two.
Marvin (twitching): How, how bout we tape their pan--panties on the wall?
Don: That’s awesome brah! Wanna do the taping?
Marvin (sweating profusely): Does that mean I can tou--touch them?

So the Three Stooges set out to the women’s quarters. After stealing a Vogue and a box of tissues (for research purposes, Marvin promises), the guys begin to tape up the area. Between Marvin’s sexual desperation and all of the taping chaos, the room ends up looking like the crime scene of an all-female mass murderer.

Jack(ing Off) The Ripper

While the guys marvel in their creation (with Chris Hansen as the special guest), Chris and Nina hang out. Chris confides that she’s the only person he can be genuine around and as a “savior”, Nina feels that their relationship is necessary. 

Phil announces that he has ADHD and being overly-affectionate with Jiana is one of his coping mechanisms. He attempts to flirt with Jiana in the Tyra Suite, oblivious to the glares from Cory; a silent observer observing mating heteros in their natural habitat.

Farm & Hammer

The models travel to the countryside, where they are met by Kelly Cutrone and Jackie Fraser-Swan, the creator of Emmerson. Because Kelly needed a new assortment of black and grey sweaters, the models must fare without a photographer. They will be split into teams where they will do each other’s hair, make-up, and photos. Cory, Phil, Chris, and Jiana decide to pay homage to aliens for their Emmerson advertisement. While the models agree on the theme, Phil has creative differences in regards to the Flixel portion of the photo. When he brings up running toward the aliens as the movement, Cory puts on the HBIC crown and quickly shuts him down. Nevertheless, Phil defies the command and sprints toward Cory anyway.

Race To Bitch Mountain

After his performance, Phil agrees to try another movement. He climbs the farm’s fence and when attempting to whack the alien over the head, he falls. Enraged, he impulsively throws the blunt object and breaks the fence. 

Kanani, Renee, and Jourdan are up next. They climb onto a trailer and take turns performing “random acts of modeling”.

Likewise, Don, Marvin, Nina, and Jeremy find a nice storyline for their shoot. They pretend to have a lover’s quarrel and Jeremy plays the disgruntled husband. In response, Jeremy chooses bros over (gardening) hoes; leaving Nina out of the second shoot.

After all of the shoots conclude, Kelly returns to assess. She notices the connection between the women in Kanani’s group and chastises Phil for destruction of property (insurance is a luxury ANTM cant afford to have, Phillip!)
In the end, Kelly admits that Jeremy’s group has the best photo, but they failed to incorporate the female Emmerson garments in both shots. So by default, the winners are Kanani, Renee, and Jourdan. 

Angered by Phil and Jeremy’s lackluster performances, the girls decide to ignore the distraction of men. Grouped with the image of a lesbonic meeting in the shower, the women agree to release their anger at the next photoshoot.

The Grapes of Bath

Armed with the knowledge of Kanani’s clown-phobia, the boys decide to retaliate and place the multi-colored freaks in her room. If we do it at night, maybe she’ll run out screaming in her p-p-panties, Marvin salivates internally. 

So upon Marvin’s request, the guys set out to Kanani’s room at night to set up their prank. She freaks out immediately and resorts to her inhaler to calm her down. Overwhelmed at the sight of Kanani putting her lips and blowing on a rod-like object, Marvin retires to his room, where a Vogue and Kleenex box await. 

In the living room, Chris is stressing about his challenge score of 6 and yells at Jiana. Attempting to diffuse the situation, Nina ends up receiving some shouts as well. Reaching her breaking point, Nina fights with Chris and leaves them both in tears. The other models fear that Chris’ emotional trauma is weighing Nina down and their unstable friendship needs to be terminated.

Nine Inch Nails

After that heated night, the models awaken to a shoot at Smashbox Studios. Johnny Wujek introduces them to their first solo shoot, where they will be modeling nail art. *insert joke about fingering here*
When first looking at the nail designs, the models ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ like they’ve just discovered the (mani)cure to cancer. One-by-one, the models are given an array of shameless ANTM self-promotion, ranging from H2T to Flawsome nails. 

But the most ridiculous design was Cory’s “Tyra Nails”. With her face literally branded on his fingers, Tyra must have taken inspiration from George Orwell’s 1984 and made Cory a vessel for her new world. A realm where her idiotic advice is law and she views over all with the all-seeing smize. And the name of this omnipotent force?

̶Bi̶g̶ Fiercely Real Brother

Now, run before she turns you to a brainless drone! Save yoursel---

Jourdan’s Monotone: Let’s stop all this false nonsense and talk about my shoot for the fantastic Tyra, shall we?

In celebration of Tyra’s international reach, Jourdan’s nails are illustrated with the flags of the countries that have their own Next Top Models. As expected, Jourdan gives variety in her expressions, poses, and shape. Basically everything but her speaking voice. 

Don, Marvin, and Chris all bring intensity in their photos. Renee has fun with her nail design, and smokes some Pot Ledom with the photographer backstage.

Nina, thinking about last night’s fight with Chris, becomes flustered on set. Likewise, Kanani lets her clown fears cloud her mind and her photos reflect her lack of focus. Jiana tries to block out Phil from her mind but still fails to impress. “Higher, higher, higher!” the photographer shouts, both to inspire Jiana and to track his drug use throughout this shoot.

Backstage, Jourdan has had enough of Jeremy. She calls him out for being “desperate and obsessed”. On set, he lets this boggle him down; performing poorly throughout the shoot. Phil also gets into his own head, letting Jiana’s recent activity confuse him. Nevertheless, his rugged sexy Jesus look works surprisingly well for the shoot. It crosses my mind that he would have lots of practice getting nailed.After the shoot, the models receive a Skull Mail:

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only nine of you will continue on in the hopes of becomingAmerica’s Next Top Model.”

Panel"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”



Cory: Tyra thinks he killed it and has "masculine energy". Rob gives him a manly 10 and the ladies settle on 9s.



Don: Kelly likes his editorial look but feels that he's not bringing enough fierceness. He receives a mixed bag of 7,8, and 9.



Kanani: Kelly loves the mood of the photo and lauds it with a 9. The other two, however, detest the "dead eyes" and deem it a 5.



Jourdan: High fashion seems to be the consensus. Tyra gives an 8 and the others award Jourdan some 9s.



Phil: Tyra gives him a sultry 8. Kelly and Rob agree that he looks like a Roman gladiator, and deem it a 7.



Jiana: Tyra calls it her "weakest shot" and gives a 5. Kelly agrees but hands out a 7. Rob praises her pose and gifts her a 9.



Nina: The judges give a mixed reception. Kelly feels that it's a 7, while Rob and Tyra argue with 6 and 8s.



Chris: Tyra calls it "insanely gorgeous" and gifts him a 10. He receives a mix of 9 and 8 from Rob and Kelly.



Renee: Kelly notes her progress as a model and grants her an 8. The Lovers feel that she's too boxy in this photo and deem it a 7.



Jeremy: Tyra likes it enough to give him a 7. Rob feels that Jeremy relies on his body too much, so his face here is strained and unsure. Along with Kelly, Rob gives him a 5.



Marvin: "You're a prisoner in the dungeon of divine," Kelly's drugs comment. Tyra lauds it and gives a 10 while the others praise with 9s.

“Eleven beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 9 photos in my hands. And these nine photos represent the nine of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

JOURDAN (44.2)
MARVIN (43.0)
CORY (42.2)
CHRIS (39.8)
DON (39.0)
RENEE (37.9)
NINA (36.9)
JIANA (34.3)

"Will Jeremy, Phil, and Kanani please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the model that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 31, the lowest scoring model, and first eliminee, is..."

JEREMY

"And now, with a score of 34.1 to 33.9, the model that remains is..."

PHIL

Next week, the models will participate in a paint shoot where Chris lets Marvin's taunting get to him. Even with the calming yellow paint, Chris' crazy eyes make their return. So, until next week, let's hope Chris' eyeballs can calm down.

Let The Yellow Mellow