BINTM c8 episode 5: Ten and a Half Men

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were victims of follicular homicide. After their hair was sliced, diced, and dyed inorganic colors, the women then modeled Baby G watches in a prison. While Roxanne and Emma got out for good behavior, Tasmin failed to make her parole officer proud. But sadly, it was Penelope who faced the death sentence. Now, only 11 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

After the judging, the girls talk about the latest proceedings. Madeleine “offends” Roxanne by telling her that Emma deserved the first call out.

Roxanne explodes in anger and tells her that being “French” is no excuse to confront and disrespect people. It’s as if the jaffa is seeping into her brain and turning her into a violent ginger-tinted maniac. I really won’t be surprised if Roxanne kills Madeleine in her sleep and uses her blood as dye.

Dreadhead

Before Roxanne can arrange plans to strangle Madeleine with her new weave, the girls receive an:

E-MAIL! “Tomorrow, be proud to tell the world who you are. Love, Elle.”

The girls think that they will be giving speeches about their insecurities, or getting naked. Considering that half of BINTM’s viewership is pervy middle-aged aristocrats, I suggest a merge of the two…

Unpretty In Pink

The girls arrive at a school and are met by image consultant/Aladdin-fetishist Vernon Francois. The gay peddler tells them that they will be talking to 200 schoolchildren about accepting their flaws and “embracing themselves”. *insert masturbation joke here* 

Vernon then goes to hand out blank T-shirts that the girls will adorn with their “biggest insecurities”. Even though he tells them that they can solve their greatest flaws with “confidence”, only the magic of cosmetics can truly hide all unattractive features. 

Genie in a (Shampoo) Bottle

While Anne is having trouble narrowing her paragraph of problems down to one word, Kellie is finding it difficult to even conjure up anything negative. 

Before they go on stage, the girls are introduced to Aled Jones from Radio1. Because kids are “the worst critics”, Aled insures them that he will be in the audience to “cheer them on.”

All in all, these speeches are a little too After School Special to me and drone on and on. Aled smiles like an idiot, oblivious to the dryness of these words. But the kids are not as easily fazed by this bullshit.

Stop Trying to Making ‘Fetch’ Happen…

Still, the girls continue to lay on the cheese:

Anne rambles on about her beak nose and gets Alad’s stamp of approval. Anita talks about having a “short fuse” and how it’s not worth it to be mean. Lisa talks about being “misunderstood” and Kellie encourages them to have “confidence”. 

Madeleine talks about being “too competitive”. Tasmin tells the flock of kids that she finds it difficult to “open up.” Emma convinces them that she’s “shy” and Letitia tells them to stop caring about what others think.

Risikat talks about the “odd” hardships of living in Ukraine and Roxanne comes out to discuss having “confidence” during her unglory days in school. But let’s be real. We all know what that shirt should say:

JAFFRO

Nevertheless, Aled says that they “impressed” him and rewards them with a Girl’s Night Out, a.k.a. Lesbian Conversion Night Part II.

Raise Your Glass

The girls are let out to a London bar and dine in luxury like “rich people”. Then, almost immediately, champagne is thrown at them. Despite the “stunning” London backdrop, the women focused on getting liquored up. I wonder if Living is desperate enough for a lesbonic fling that they constantly keep these girls inebriated.

In Memory of Anne!

But everything is not all fun and (drinking) games. The next E-Mail prompts the girls to get ready to “do it like a man”. (You mean fast and rough?)

Hapenis Is A Warm Gun

The girls get really into the manly role by waking up the next day with aching hangovers. They are whisked away to a gentleman’s man where they are greeted by Tyson Beckford.

He instructs them to “retain” their feminine charm while being dressed in men’s clothing. He informs them that they only have 5 minutes to get the perfect androgynous shot. So apparently, the point of this photoshoot is to look somewhat manly while still remaining feminine…

Somewhere in the English countryside, Sigmund Freud is rolling over in his grave.

Many of the girls are also confused about this idea. Namely their vaginas, who reject this Freudian concept immediately. 

Penis Disenvy

Letitia finds posing difficult and ensures us that she’s “never been a man before.” All across the country, millions of trannies’ hopes have been just crushed. 

Jennifer did sultry poses and played up the sexy element. Risikat was overwhelmed by the hardness of being a man (no pun intended). By the end, she ran out of poses.

Kellie is concerned that she hasn’t given her best yet and Tyson is unimpressed. Despite Tyson’s coaching, Anita struggled to stop looking like a “rabbit in headlights.”

In the beginning, Emma wasn’t as strong as Tyson expected. She is worried that the girls have gotten “the brief wrong”.

Madeleine was “too scary” for Tyson’s liking. Roxanne was confident that she would do well and got in within the “first four minutes.” Lisa felt that she had an advantage because she “understood” the expectations and was heavily praised by the client. 

Tasmin was “nervous” and according to Tyson, she has the “model body but…” 

Tyson basically orgasmed during Anne’s shoot, calling her “what the industry needs.”

After the shoot, Roxanne decides to take out her aggressions by slaughtering a chicken and having a roast. 

All the girls enjoy Roxy’s murderous spoils and talk about the upcoming elimination. Madeleine is nervous and Jennifer is worried that “it could be anyone.”

PANEL

This week’s guest judge is the fabulous Andrej Pajic! He has worked on both male and female runways and is a highly sought after model.

By the way, it took me three weeks to notice but, doesn’t Anita look like Rebecca Black?



But I disgress…

Mennifer: Andrej loves the pose and angles and Elle thinks she’s a “beautiful boy”.



Penisa: Julian thinks that she’s “sporty” and “young”. While Andrej is not a fan of the odd pose, he does admire the fact that Lisa is a “chameleon”.



Manita: Elle thinks that she looks “cock-eyed” and even though Whitney & Andrej try to confront her, Tyson thinks she can’t handle it.



Coxanne: Even though Tyson thinks that she’s “cocky” and not the kind of girl he wants to “hang with”, the other judges think she is “absolutely incredible”.



Risikat: Andrej doesn’t think it looks “fashion” and Whitney thinks that the styling is “unfortunate.” Julian thinks that she could have pushed more.



Emman: Elle and Andrej agree that she looks like a “supermodel.” Julian thinks that the clothes look phenomenal on her.



Tasmen: Even though Andrej thinks that she has a “great body,” Whitney is upset that she didn’t “pop.”



Manne: Julian thinks that she’s “common as dishwater” and the other judges agree. Tyson tries to “blame the room”. Bitch please…



Maneliene: The judges are worried that she still doesn’t understand her angles.



Letitia: Tyson thinks that she “nailed it” but Julian doesn’t see the “masculinity”.



Kellie: Whitney appreciates the “softness” and the judges think that the clothes aren’t doing her any favors. Nevertheless, they like the photo.

“Now the judges will deliberate and see which one of you will go home.”

The judges love Jennifer’s quirkiness. Even though they love Letitia’s photo, Andrej is uncertain about her future as a high-end fashion model. 

Whitney loves Lisa and Tyson agrees, saying that she can “just work.” Julian is not impressed by Anita. Tyson is pissy about his ego about Roxanne but the others love her photo. Whitney thinks that Risikat should “fake it” until she makes it. 

The judges are all in unison about Emma’s amazingness. Julian likes Tasmin’s personality but doesn’t see her as a model. Tyson is “disappointed” in Anne. 

Julian is worried that after you take away the clothes and makeup, there isn’t much left in Madeleine. Andrej is hopeful about Kellie and says that she could work if she harnesses her skill.

“I have 11 beautiful girls before me, but only 10 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. This week, for picture of the week, it’s a tie between…”

EMMA & ROXANNE

LETITIA
LISA
JENNIFER
ANITA
MADELEINE
KELLIE
RISIKAT

“Will Tasmin and Anne please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

ANNE

I guess the third times not the charm. Tasmin is “proud” of herself and will miss the girls.

Next week, the girls take on an acting challenge. Then, they go to Paris and meet a familiar (and fierce) face, Joy McLaren!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 4: Time & Punishment

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls took to the catwalk with some feathered friends. While Risikat proved her power over poultry, Emma S lost control of her rambunctious chicken. How cockward. During the butterflies photoshoot, Anne and Lisa rose to new heights. In the judging room, Tasmin failed to emerge from her cocoon. However, it was Emma S whose metamorphosis was cut short. Now, only 12 girls remain. Who will be Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

The girls return to the house to see that it’s been covered in police tape. Anita immediately thinks that the house has been infiltrated by male strippers dressed up as cops. Guess the lesbian lifestyle isn’t for everyone…

Alas, Anita’s loins were disappointed. On the wall, there was an array of mugshots that showed all of the imperfections in these girls’ hair. 

It looks really similar to the set of CSI, except that the killers and detectives were replaced by mismatched weaves and shady home perms.

John Tucker Must Dye

The attached E-Mail reads: “Tomorrow your fashion fate will be decided. Love, Elle.”

Makeunders

The judges sit down to discuss the “transformations” that are about to take place. They trade around some lies like “this will enhance their careers” and “we’re going to help them”. 

Elle greets the girls and tries to impress them by saying that the salon’s stylists have worked on stars like Kylie Minogue and Kira Knightly. Not that they want to be credited for this:

But still. The judges then each take three girls under their wing: 

The girls in the unfortunate custody of Julian are Roxanne, Madeleine, and Anne. Whitney inherits Letitia, Tasmin, and Lisa and Elle decides on Penelope, Jennifer, and Kellie. Finally, Tyson is given the shaft with Anita, Emma G, and Risikat.

While Letitia is given a “soft, honey dew” color, Lisa is told that her locks are being cut. Tyson also goes the ‘short’ route, determined to make a Halle Berry clone out of Risikat. 

Elle tells Jennifer that her inspiration is “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”. In other words, she will be publically branded with the words, “ELLE’S BITCH” carved into her back.

As all of the girls are crying, and all of their ponytails take their last breaths, Gotye’s latest single becomes an anthem for this hair genocide. 

Somebody That I Used To Blow(dry)

But Julian promises the waterworks are just beginning. He insures Roxanne that her makeover will be the “most dramatic” one. Then, he returns with a bowl of “jaffa orange”. Yes, orange. And not just regular orange. Snooki Orange. Roxanne is positive that it will look “ridiculous” and judging by the ginger afro that’s a-brewing, I don’t blame her.

On the other side of the salon, Risikat is still upset about getting her hair chopped. She still feels ugly, even though Tyson continues saying, "Halle Berry. Halle Berry!" (The exact words that will go into Halle Berry's restraining order.)

Jennifer is also unpleased with her hair. She doesn’t like the color or the length, even after Elle tries to soothe her. But Penelope is not as easily persuaded. She believes the thin tracks make her look “cheap”. No Penelope. The thin tracks don’t make you look cheap. It’s the cheap tracks that make you look cheap.

After the mass hysteria is over, these girls start to appreciate their short pixie cuts. In fact, if they ever want to quit modeling, they now have an alternate profession to fall back on: forming a boy band.

Girls II Men

Sadly, we’re then thrown back to the reality of Roxanne. Seriously, her hair is terrible. After Julian finishes applying the fifth layer of jaffa, he starts to plump it up and creates a giant puff of orange. In the end, it looks like the Biblical “Burning Bush”, if the burning bush was made up of singed weave tracks. 

There can only be four possible reasons for Roxanne’s truly monstrous makeover:

1. Julian heard that To Catch a Predator was re-casting.
2. He needed to crown a new heir to the McDonald fortune.
3. Jaffa Cakes sponsor Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model and demanded a homage.
4. Julian McDonald lubricates himself with the bitter tears of the models he scalps and plans to use Roxanne to replenish his stash.

Lube for the Goob

After all of the hair is swept away and the tears are collected (someone’s getting lucky tonight), the girls go home and receive an:

E-MAIL! “I’m sure today will put a smile on your face. Get your skates on and have a great day. Love, Elle.”

The Ugly Tooth

In a rare break from the competition, the girls go to a dental cosmetology office to get their teeth cleaned. True to all English stereotypes, their pearly yellows are scrubbed down until the latent white emerges. We all know the drill. But Letitia felt the pain of beauty and stopped half-way through.

Afterwards, the girls are whisked away to a roller disco. While Letitia struts to the groovy sounds, Penelope and Risikat talk about her less-than-psychedelic attitude. 

But after they receive an E-Mail warning them about the next photoshoot, the girls let loose and enjoy the disco ball.

Saturday Night Fever

Clocked Up

The girls are greeted by Molly King at the Top Model Prison. She is accompanied by Sarah Salter from Baby G Watches. 

Risikat was “fantastic” and looked like Rhianna. Molly said that she “wanted” her body. Tyson will not be pleased…

Before the shoot, Kellie starts to break down. She goes to the stairwell and starts crying like a Chicagoreject. She thinks that this competition is very “tough” but she is not willing to “give up”.

So, she gets up and continues the shoot. She gives “striking” poses and really connects to her surroundings.

Cell Block Tango

While Lisa gave a “grungy and fierce” performance, Anita was “nervous”. But after she let go of her pre-shoot jitters, Anita gave a new meaning to the term “jail bait”.

After Letitia, Penelope, and Anne all did a stellar job, Tasmin failed to impress her cellmate.

Even though she liked Madeleine’s hair, Sarah Salter thinks that she started going “downhill.” Sensing that bad things would probably happen (she saw Roxanne’s hair!), she left to “catch a flight.”

Jennifer did a good job sans client, striking “expressive” poses. With a very exposing outfit, Emma G showed off her great ass…ets. 

Like mostly every person who has a functioning sense of style, Molly is intrigued by Roxanne’s makeover. She is tempted to touch it, much like relatives wanting to poke and prod a newborn baby.

Just Like Her Mother

Nevertheless, she looked “cool” and had the right amount of “attitude”. 

E-MAIL! “Are you transforming into top models? Only 11 of you will continue on in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

Joining us as a guest judge, we have pop star and dancer, Kimberly Wyatt. 

By the way, is it just me or does it seem like the door these girls enter from looks like a sharp, diamond-incrusted vagina? 

How Stars Are Born

But I digress.



Madeleine: Kimberly thinks that she is “beautiful” and Tyson is proud of her “attitude”.



Letitia: Whitney thinks that she is “sexy” but Julian is “bored” with her. Tyson and Elle disagree, confused about how “beauty is ever boring”.



Kellie: Elle chastises her for crying on set but the judges feel that she can “better herself” and “grow” from her experiences.



Emma: The judges love her photo but Julian is worried that her look is too similar to Letitia’s.



Tasmin: Kimberly thinks that she has “potential” but the judges aren’t sure.



Roxanne: Julian is proud of his ‘hairy’ antics and Elle thinks she shoots “like a dream”.



Anne: Julian thinks that she is “quirky” and what the fashion industry “needs”.



Risikat: Elle thinks she has “transformed” and Julian believes that she is “contemporary”.



Jennifer: The judges are proud of her new look because it fits with her “persona”. Tyson wants her to project that personality onto her photos.



Penelope: Kimberly thinks that she’s “effortless” but doesn’t have the “confidence” to win this competition. Julian is worried that she won’t be able to save herself.



Lisa: Tyson gives a spiel about being a “bad boy” and spending a night in jail (for tax invasion. What a rebel!).Anyway, he calls her a “scary cellmate”.

Anita: Whitney is worried about the squinting but Julian doesn’t care because she’s “hawt.” Kimberly sees potential even though she looks like Penelope Cruz.

“Now we will be deciding who will stay and will be leaving this competition.”

The judges like Madeleine’s makeover but aren’t won over in person. Kimberly thinks that Letitia is a “threat”. Julian is not convinced that Kellie can do fashion. Tasmin is not impressing Elle but Tyson thinks this is her best photo yet. 

The judges are all fawning over Roxanne but Whitney, as the voice of reason, tells Julian the makeover is shit. FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO!

Anne has a “peculiar” face that makes her stand out. Julian basically ejaculates over Risikat but the others disagree. Elle has faith in Jennifer. Tyson doesn’t think Penelope is a model. But everyone knows, Lisa & Emma G are supermodels. So, who goes home?

“I have 12 beautiful girls before me, but only 11 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

ROXANNE

EMMA
LETITIA
LISA
RISIKAT
ANNE
ANITA
MADELEINE
KELLIE
JENNIFER

“Will Tasmin and Penelope please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

TASMIN

Then, Penelope basically runs out to go get those Pretty Woman extensions taken out. 

Next week, the girls walk for schoolchildren…ok. Then, they go strictly dickly for an androgyny shoot. HOT.

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 3: Peacock Block

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls had one-on-one sessions with the judges. While some made lasting impressions, girls like Emma S and Kellie failed to imprint. In an Arabian royalty photoshoot, Penelope & Emma G ruled with an iron fist. With only 14 spots available in the competition, Diona, Louisa, & Anna did not receive their princess dowries. But in a shocking revelation, Amelia (Earhart) also chose to fly the coup. Now, only 13 girls remain. Who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

But before that, let’s talk about the new opening! Oh my! All of the girls look fabulous…well, at least all the ones that aren’t named ‘Madeleine”. 

I really think the producers have some sort of obsession with Anne’s crotch. Seriously, if I took a shot every time the camera zoomed in on Anne’s vagina, I’d probably succumb to alcohol poisoning. 

Cheers!

Anyway, the girls are très excited to move into the house. They squeal and squirm at the “amazing and glamorous” house. Compared to the cardboard box Lisa lives in back in Ireland, the Top Model house is a freaking mansion.

In the backyard, there’s a giant pink purse waiting for the girls. Everyone wants to see what could possibly come out of this demented Jack-in-the-Box. Thieves? Male strippers? A venereal disease? 

Pandora’s Bag

Fortunately, the girls got their panties in a bunch for nothing. Instead of something terrible (likewrinkles!), the only thing in the oversized clutch was an E-Mail.

It instructs them to randomly pick their roommates. Jennifer is upset about the possibility of having to bunk with Madeleine and insists on staying with Manne. 

After their choices, the girls are let into the house in groups to check out their new digs. Squealing ensues. Once they realize that the rooms aren’t the same length, the girls begin arguing about unequal distribution. It seems like these girls still don’t get it: size doesn’t matter. 

Another E-Mail ushers the girls to get dressed for a party.

WINE UP

The girls are taken to a cocktail bar in the hopes of getting to know each other better (and to hopefully unleash some latent lesbian tendencies for the rare male audience).

Penelope confesses that being in a house with 13 girls makes her “appreciate men”. Girl, it’s only been 12 hours, not a decade. 

Still, that doesn’t stop Anita from trying to “acquaint” herself with the bartenders. The other girls looked on as she spewed bad pickup line after bad pickup line. 

After getting rejected by the men, she rejoins the other girls to “let her hair down” and let the alcohol do its job.

Lez Out with Your Hair Out

Afterwards, last series’ winner Jade appears. She gives them a pep talk and reminds them that not everywinner’s career crumbles post-show (<Lianna>). 

Before they can sleep their hangovers (and heterosexuality) away, the girls receive another…

E-MAIL: “You’ll be taking a walk on the wild side. Love, Elle.”

BIRD IS THE WORD

The girls arrive at a safari where they are met by Matt Henry, the catwalk coach from Models1. 

One by one, the girls amble for him. Even though Tasmin, Anne, & Jennifer walk like drunken toddlers with broken legs, some girls still manage to impress Matt. 

Convinced that even newborn deer can strut better than these girls, Matt challenges them to walk with animals. The girls each select their furry co-stars.

Lisa is terrified that she has to walk with a snake wrapped around her, like a certain pop star.

Britney Fears

Still, she manages to get over her reptilian worries and serves a striking stroll. 

Anita is “fuming” about having the skunk (that joke just writes itself) and Madeleine is ecstatic about the meerkat. All in all, the girls did better in their second try on the runway, except for…

Emma S. Oh, Emma S. She had a chicken the size of a rooster and even though she tried to control it on the runway, she was not able to keep it from flying off the handle. It was very awkward. So awkward in fact, that the word ‘awkward’ is not enough to encompass her performance. Her terrible runway walk has beckoned me to create a new word:

COCKWARD

But still, someone managed to excel in this challenge. The winner, with the best walk, is…

RISIKAT!

This prompts a bitchfest amongst the girls. Anita doesn’t see Risikat as “competition” and Emma S is upset that she messed up. Penelope urges her to gain some “confidence” and stop moping. But nothing can stop Emma Sad’s tears. Nothing except an…

E-MAIL! “Modeling has its ups and downs, much like your next photoshoot. Love, Elle.” 

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTERFLIES

The girls are met by Bip Ling, who then introduces Jodie Fox, the co-founder of Shoes of Prey. She tells them that they will be posing in groups as butterflies in harnesses and Risikat gets the joy of working alone as her challenge win. 

Anne and Madeleine made an interesting pair. Even though they were “in pain”, the two made “beautiful, graceful shapes”. Speaking of beautiful shapes…

Bottom’s Up!

Tasmin and Letitia were up next. Tasmin had “gorgeous legs” and took advantage of the wires. Letitia was “brilliant”, much to the despair of Anita; who was convinced that she was always getting the “best makeup, dresses, and hair”. 

Kellie and Emma G had infectious energy and moved like “winners”. Bip said that they were the “best pair so far”. 

After seeing them embrace, Jodie was convinced that Emma S and Roxanne would look best “cuddling”. Even though it made the two uncomfortable, Bip reassured them that they had an “amazing” photo.

When Penelope and Jennifer came on set, they had “sizzling eye contact” and a certain “sex appeal”; using it to sell the product.

Shoes of Gay

But emulating Katy Perry proved too steamy for Jennifer. She started feeling light-headed and had to be hoisted down in the middle of the shoot. After taking a breather, she returned to the harness and finished her frames. 

Despite looking like a “deer in headlights” before the photoshoot, Anita and Lisa ended up looking like “beautiful fairies” in the air. 

The other girls are jealous of Risikat. They think that she’s lucky to “not share the limelight”. During her shoot, she was a mixture of “gorgeous” and “beautiful”.

E-MAIL! “One of you must pack your bags because one of you will be eliminated tomorrow.”

PANEL

Apparently, the British public has a very bad memory because we are yet again introduced to the judges:

First, we have American model and actor, Tyson Beckford. 
Next, we have fashion designer and icon, Whitney Port. 
Then, we have international designer Julian McDonald.
And to round off the group, we have supermodel and head judge, Elle McPherson.
Joining the panel we have Alisha Dixon, who is famous for some reason or another.

The winner of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model will live in a London suite, vacation to Dubai, have a contract with Models1, have a six-page spread and cover of Company Magazine, lead a Revlon campaign, and have a contract with Ms Selfridge. 

And yes, this is the only time I will give this long ass spiel. By the way, have you seen Elle?? She is giving some serious sex hair. It looks like Tyson’s pulling his weight, if you know what I mean...

Britain & Ireland’s Sext Top Model

Anyway, let’s move on to the judging.



Anita & Lisa: Whitney thinks that Lisa had a more “flattering” photo. Tyson is upset that Anita “lost the shoes” in the wide shot. 



Emma G & Kellie: Julian thinks that Emma G is a “sexbomb” but she is afraid to give “more (more more!)” Alisha believes that Kellie was “not quite there”. 



Emma S & Roxanne: Even though Alisha likes the “chemistry” between the two, Tyson is worried that Emma S isn't selling the product. Julian thinks that Roxanne is the aggressive superior girl in this photo.



Jennifer & Penelope: Elle is confused with Jennifer. She has a “rock and roll” persona but doesn’t have the actions to match. Whitney thinks that Penelope “dominated” this picture.



Madeleine & Anne: Tyson like the poses but is bothered by Madeleine being in the background. Alisha agrees, saying that she is immediately attracted to Anne and “those shoes”.



Letitia & Tasmin: The judges feel that Letitia is short compared to Tasmin. This fact, coupled with her torso’s angle, makes her boobs the real star of the photo. But the judges are hopeful for LeTITia.



Risikat: Alisha likes the pose and the exposure of the shoe, but Julian thinks that she looks “cheap”.

“Now we will be deciding who will stay and will be leaving this competition.”

Anita is “lost in the wind” while Lisa dominates. Tyson doesn’t see a model in Penelope but Whitney disagrees. The judges all like Jennifer.

They see vast improvement in Emma G and Kellie. Julian thinks that Roxanne outshines Emma S. Madeleine is very “hit or miss” whereas Anne “knocked it out of the park.”

Julian thinks that Letitia is destined to be a “page 3 girl”. The judges are hopeful that Risikat can go from “cheap to chic.”

So, who will eliminated?

“I have 13 beautiful girls before me, but only 12 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

ANNE

LISA
ROXANNE
LETITIA

KELLIE
ANITA
EMMA G
RISIKAT
MADELEINE
JENNIFER
PENELOPE

“Will Tasmin and Emma S please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

TASMIN

Hopefully Emma S comes to America and peruses a career as a professional Blake Lively doppelganger. 

Next week, makeovers bring dramatic changes. Lisa gets her hair chopped and Roxanne gets a “carrot on her <bleeping> head”. If modeling doesn’t work out, at least Roxanne can make a nice living doing rabbit porn. 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 2: What Happens In Dubai

The quest for Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model has begun. The hardships of becoming a model (I have to smile and pose?) have proved too stressful for two girls. So, after they quit, only 17 young ladies posed on the sands of Dubai. Despite Madeleine putting the ‘bitch’ in ‘beach’ during a swimwear shoot, Emma G, Roxanne, and their non-existent waistlines prevailed. Anita and Emma S sank during the shoot but unfortunately, it was Danielle who was eliminated.

Back at the aquarium, the girls are still reeling over the loss of Danielle. To distract them from the fact that Elle probably fed her to the sharks, they are brainwashed by the thumping beats of “Forget You”. 

Afterwards, a man in a scuba suit emerges from Danielle’s watery grave to deliver an E-Mail which tells the girls to strip down and meet the poolside judges. 

H2O HOES

One by one, the girls walk for the judges:

Whitney is not impressed by Anita. Julian thinks that he can see her on page 3 (of Playboy Magazine) but Elle insists that she is a glamour girl and can pull off “fashion”.

All of the judges are impressed by Roxanne’s sick body despite having a two-year-old son (and a one-year-old liposuction). However, childbirth may have messed with her equilibrium because she keeps on looking down during her walk. So, Tyson gets up to walk her: much like a man assisting a drunken party girl.

Heroine Chic

The judges are confused about Tasmin. They are not certain if she is a “Pole Dancer or Top Model” (someone copyright this before Bravo does!) Nevertheless, she has a “strong walk” and stands stiffly (much like Tyson’s penis after that pole dancer comment.)

Diona is grilled about her devotion to modeling. Whitney thinks that she’d make a better actress than model and Elle agrees; worried that “the model ship has already sailed”. 

Risikat is a little trooper. After four years of applying, she is very confident that this time, she will get into the house. It’s almost as if she sleeping with a judge…

But let’s not be silly.

Julian doesn’t see a model in Penelope. She insists that they can “make me a supermodel” and gets Tyson’s seal of approval. Sadly, this TV show plug doesn’t work on Julian; and he thinks that not even the “Wizard of Oz” can transform her. 

Jennifer’s tattoos bring about a conversation about body art. Elle, Julian, and Whitney think that models should be blank canvases for the designers’ clothes. Tyson takes the pro-tramp stamp role and helps Jennifer defend her ink. In the end, the judges are still iffy about her.

Tyson confronts MADeleine but she assures them that even though her face is brash, she is actually “extremely nice and loveable”. 

I’m cuddly, bitch!

Elle is afraid that Kellie is not standing out. Even though Kellie defends herself by saying that she hasn’t had time to adjust, Elle tells her that they kick out girls with “no voice”. I KNEW IT! ELLE MCPHERSON DISCRIMINATES AGAINST MUTES! 

As a whole, the judges can’t see a model in Emma S. (It’s like they’re attacking these girls sense by sense.)

On the other hand, Emma G is a strong force. Tyson calls her “quiet but deadly”, like the modeling version of a fart. Julian wants her to SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP (great plug, Living!) and if that ‘popping’ has anything to do with her bra; Tyson is on board.

Amelia has the personality of a young schoolgirl, and Elle fears that this cannot translate into fierce pictures. 

Letitia and her funbags immediately draw the judges’ attention. While Whitney worries that Letitia’s 32DDs will be a setback, Tyson and Julian silently call dibs on her twins.

Elle likes Anne’s goofiness but Julian disagrees. 
Julian: “She’s weird, she’s quirky, she has chunky thighs.”
Translation: “You can have this one, Tyson.”

After all of the one-on-ones, the girls retire to their hotel where they are greeted with an:

E-MAIL! “We want you to get over the hump.” 

The models (slowly) piece it together: they will be posing with a camel. Or as Tyson’s wet dreams.

But due to a freak sandstorm in the deserts of Dubai, the photoshoot is off. (Looks like the model god, Smizeus, is not pleased.)

ALI BABA & THE FORTY WEAVES

The girls will pose in groups as Arabian princesses. 

Emma S moved awkwardly throughout the shoot, prompting Elle to compare her to a mantis.

Eat, Pray, Love

While Letitia suppress her gravity-defying boobs, Madeleine and Anna work together to impress Elle and Julian.

Tasmin looked great and Louisa was having trouble standing out. Diona found it difficult to relax while Lisa relaxed too much.

Risikat’s crew had the ugliest outfits of the bunch. Elle is hesitant of the styling but believes that they can model through it.

Cafcant

With the shoot coming to a close, the girls are sad to leave Dubai, but ready to move into the Top Model house.

JUDGEMENT DAY

The judges are meeting for the final time in Dubai to decide which 14 girls will continue on in the competition. 

Tyson thinks that Anna has “harsh features”: which turns Anna to Manna. The judges are worried about Letitia because the first thing they see is her breasts. Considering her height, Letitia's photo is 50% boob.

Louisa, Lisa, and Diona all failed to impress. Whitney thinks that their group shot looks like the cast of a sleazy reality show.

Real Housewives of Dubai 

The judges are nervous about Emma S’ actions on set. She was kicking like a Rockette with Tourette’s and Elle is not pleased. Julian feels that Anita is worthless and as “common as chips”. 

Julian believes that Jennifer is “stealing all the attention”. Elle is impressed that Kellie modeled through the ugly caftan and Tyson calls Rissikat an exotic pu$$y. Meow.

Narrowing the pool down to 14 girls is difficult and the judges are not agreeing. At the end, they’re trading and collecting the polaroids like baseball cards. 

Go Fish

Eventually, they made the decision to keep 14 girls.

Elle has to deliver the news to the models. They meet at a clandestine location to reveal the final cast (and sacrifice the rejects to Smizeus).

Sacrificial Lamb Chops

So, the girls who are moving into the Top Model house are:

EMMA G
JENNIFER
LETITIA
KELLIE
AMELIA
TASMIN
LISA
ROXANNE
ANNE
MADELEINE
ANITA
EMMA S
PENELOPE
RISIKAT

But before the celebrations commence, there is one more announcement:

“Due to personal reasons, Amelia has withdrawn from the competition.” 

She probably foresaw makeovers and evacuated beforehand. I mean, wouldn’t this:

…make you want to run away? Anyway, this cycle is full of suprises. Like waterfalls. And snakes. And spiders on your vagina. 

So, until next time:

Bite Me