BINTM c8 episode 4: Time & Punishment

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls took to the catwalk with some feathered friends. While Risikat proved her power over poultry, Emma S lost control of her rambunctious chicken. How cockward. During the butterflies photoshoot, Anne and Lisa rose to new heights. In the judging room, Tasmin failed to emerge from her cocoon. However, it was Emma S whose metamorphosis was cut short. Now, only 12 girls remain. Who will be Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

The girls return to the house to see that it’s been covered in police tape. Anita immediately thinks that the house has been infiltrated by male strippers dressed up as cops. Guess the lesbian lifestyle isn’t for everyone…

Alas, Anita’s loins were disappointed. On the wall, there was an array of mugshots that showed all of the imperfections in these girls’ hair. 

It looks really similar to the set of CSI, except that the killers and detectives were replaced by mismatched weaves and shady home perms.

John Tucker Must Dye

The attached E-Mail reads: “Tomorrow your fashion fate will be decided. Love, Elle.”

Makeunders

The judges sit down to discuss the “transformations” that are about to take place. They trade around some lies like “this will enhance their careers” and “we’re going to help them”. 

Elle greets the girls and tries to impress them by saying that the salon’s stylists have worked on stars like Kylie Minogue and Kira Knightly. Not that they want to be credited for this:

But still. The judges then each take three girls under their wing: 

The girls in the unfortunate custody of Julian are Roxanne, Madeleine, and Anne. Whitney inherits Letitia, Tasmin, and Lisa and Elle decides on Penelope, Jennifer, and Kellie. Finally, Tyson is given the shaft with Anita, Emma G, and Risikat.

While Letitia is given a “soft, honey dew” color, Lisa is told that her locks are being cut. Tyson also goes the ‘short’ route, determined to make a Halle Berry clone out of Risikat. 

Elle tells Jennifer that her inspiration is “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”. In other words, she will be publically branded with the words, “ELLE’S BITCH” carved into her back.

As all of the girls are crying, and all of their ponytails take their last breaths, Gotye’s latest single becomes an anthem for this hair genocide. 

Somebody That I Used To Blow(dry)

But Julian promises the waterworks are just beginning. He insures Roxanne that her makeover will be the “most dramatic” one. Then, he returns with a bowl of “jaffa orange”. Yes, orange. And not just regular orange. Snooki Orange. Roxanne is positive that it will look “ridiculous” and judging by the ginger afro that’s a-brewing, I don’t blame her.

On the other side of the salon, Risikat is still upset about getting her hair chopped. She still feels ugly, even though Tyson continues saying, "Halle Berry. Halle Berry!" (The exact words that will go into Halle Berry's restraining order.)

Jennifer is also unpleased with her hair. She doesn’t like the color or the length, even after Elle tries to soothe her. But Penelope is not as easily persuaded. She believes the thin tracks make her look “cheap”. No Penelope. The thin tracks don’t make you look cheap. It’s the cheap tracks that make you look cheap.

After the mass hysteria is over, these girls start to appreciate their short pixie cuts. In fact, if they ever want to quit modeling, they now have an alternate profession to fall back on: forming a boy band.

Girls II Men

Sadly, we’re then thrown back to the reality of Roxanne. Seriously, her hair is terrible. After Julian finishes applying the fifth layer of jaffa, he starts to plump it up and creates a giant puff of orange. In the end, it looks like the Biblical “Burning Bush”, if the burning bush was made up of singed weave tracks. 

There can only be four possible reasons for Roxanne’s truly monstrous makeover:

1. Julian heard that To Catch a Predator was re-casting.
2. He needed to crown a new heir to the McDonald fortune.
3. Jaffa Cakes sponsor Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model and demanded a homage.
4. Julian McDonald lubricates himself with the bitter tears of the models he scalps and plans to use Roxanne to replenish his stash.

Lube for the Goob

After all of the hair is swept away and the tears are collected (someone’s getting lucky tonight), the girls go home and receive an:

E-MAIL! “I’m sure today will put a smile on your face. Get your skates on and have a great day. Love, Elle.”

The Ugly Tooth

In a rare break from the competition, the girls go to a dental cosmetology office to get their teeth cleaned. True to all English stereotypes, their pearly yellows are scrubbed down until the latent white emerges. We all know the drill. But Letitia felt the pain of beauty and stopped half-way through.

Afterwards, the girls are whisked away to a roller disco. While Letitia struts to the groovy sounds, Penelope and Risikat talk about her less-than-psychedelic attitude. 

But after they receive an E-Mail warning them about the next photoshoot, the girls let loose and enjoy the disco ball.

Saturday Night Fever

Clocked Up

The girls are greeted by Molly King at the Top Model Prison. She is accompanied by Sarah Salter from Baby G Watches. 

Risikat was “fantastic” and looked like Rhianna. Molly said that she “wanted” her body. Tyson will not be pleased…

Before the shoot, Kellie starts to break down. She goes to the stairwell and starts crying like a Chicagoreject. She thinks that this competition is very “tough” but she is not willing to “give up”.

So, she gets up and continues the shoot. She gives “striking” poses and really connects to her surroundings.

Cell Block Tango

While Lisa gave a “grungy and fierce” performance, Anita was “nervous”. But after she let go of her pre-shoot jitters, Anita gave a new meaning to the term “jail bait”.

After Letitia, Penelope, and Anne all did a stellar job, Tasmin failed to impress her cellmate.

Even though she liked Madeleine’s hair, Sarah Salter thinks that she started going “downhill.” Sensing that bad things would probably happen (she saw Roxanne’s hair!), she left to “catch a flight.”

Jennifer did a good job sans client, striking “expressive” poses. With a very exposing outfit, Emma G showed off her great ass…ets. 

Like mostly every person who has a functioning sense of style, Molly is intrigued by Roxanne’s makeover. She is tempted to touch it, much like relatives wanting to poke and prod a newborn baby.

Just Like Her Mother

Nevertheless, she looked “cool” and had the right amount of “attitude”. 

E-MAIL! “Are you transforming into top models? Only 11 of you will continue on in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

Joining us as a guest judge, we have pop star and dancer, Kimberly Wyatt. 

By the way, is it just me or does it seem like the door these girls enter from looks like a sharp, diamond-incrusted vagina? 

How Stars Are Born

But I digress.



Madeleine: Kimberly thinks that she is “beautiful” and Tyson is proud of her “attitude”.



Letitia: Whitney thinks that she is “sexy” but Julian is “bored” with her. Tyson and Elle disagree, confused about how “beauty is ever boring”.



Kellie: Elle chastises her for crying on set but the judges feel that she can “better herself” and “grow” from her experiences.



Emma: The judges love her photo but Julian is worried that her look is too similar to Letitia’s.



Tasmin: Kimberly thinks that she has “potential” but the judges aren’t sure.



Roxanne: Julian is proud of his ‘hairy’ antics and Elle thinks she shoots “like a dream”.



Anne: Julian thinks that she is “quirky” and what the fashion industry “needs”.



Risikat: Elle thinks she has “transformed” and Julian believes that she is “contemporary”.



Jennifer: The judges are proud of her new look because it fits with her “persona”. Tyson wants her to project that personality onto her photos.



Penelope: Kimberly thinks that she’s “effortless” but doesn’t have the “confidence” to win this competition. Julian is worried that she won’t be able to save herself.



Lisa: Tyson gives a spiel about being a “bad boy” and spending a night in jail (for tax invasion. What a rebel!).Anyway, he calls her a “scary cellmate”.

Anita: Whitney is worried about the squinting but Julian doesn’t care because she’s “hawt.” Kimberly sees potential even though she looks like Penelope Cruz.

“Now we will be deciding who will stay and will be leaving this competition.”

The judges like Madeleine’s makeover but aren’t won over in person. Kimberly thinks that Letitia is a “threat”. Julian is not convinced that Kellie can do fashion. Tasmin is not impressing Elle but Tyson thinks this is her best photo yet. 

The judges are all fawning over Roxanne but Whitney, as the voice of reason, tells Julian the makeover is shit. FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO!

Anne has a “peculiar” face that makes her stand out. Julian basically ejaculates over Risikat but the others disagree. Elle has faith in Jennifer. Tyson doesn’t think Penelope is a model. But everyone knows, Lisa & Emma G are supermodels. So, who goes home?

“I have 12 beautiful girls before me, but only 11 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls that are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call has received picture of the week…”

ROXANNE

EMMA
LETITIA
LISA
RISIKAT
ANNE
ANITA
MADELEINE
KELLIE
JENNIFER

“Will Tasmin and Penelope please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And that photo goes to…”

TASMIN

Then, Penelope basically runs out to go get those Pretty Woman extensions taken out. 

Next week, the girls walk for schoolchildren…ok. Then, they go strictly dickly for an androgyny shoot. HOT.

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!