ANTM c19 premiere: Alpha Ty

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Tyra and co. have come together once again to discover America’s next supermodel (or at least create some good reality television.)

Eighteen cycles of America’s Next Top Model have come and gone and just like Kelly Cutrone’s breast milk, its flavor has gone stale. So in an attempt to breathe new life in the carcass of Top Model, Tyra has enlisted the stylistic services of a “man” named P’Trique. Because all fashionable males resemble the Abominable Snowman with blonde bangs and a bushy ‘stache. 

Tom Yeti

After he (?) spits out some concepts that are sure to scare the village people, Tyra has a revelation: a college cycle. Inspired by her short stay at Harvard (3 minutes in the parking lot) and her resulting business degree ($50 and a printer), Tyra decided to open up the competition to her fellow scholars.

But her newfound love of education isn’t the only thing Mama Ty has up her sleeve: this cycle, the judging table has been revamped. But more on that later. Tyra has scourged universities from all across the nation and handpicked the lucky 30 semi-finalists. 

Beauty School Dropouts

The thirty girls arrive at the Top Model Sorority House, where only 13 of them will be admitted. After they fistpump and “represent” their prospective schools with a “wooo!”, the dean of admissions walks in.

Tyra announces the changes to the girls. First, there’s Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone, fashion PR maven (why all the black, Kell? Who died? Well, other than your sex appeal…)

Speaking of, the next judge is sexy Englishman Rob Evans! Rob is highly sought after and in a few short years, has gone from “world renowned boxer to esteemed male model (to future gay porn star)”.

Glad You Came

Afterwards, Tyra introduces our new creative director, Johnny Wujek (whose lisp is adorable, may I add). Being Katy Perry’s personal stylist, I expect some diplomas to shoot out of bras within the next two photoshoots… 

And finally, the 4^th judge is…YOU! That’s right guys, the American public will be voting for their favorites. Whether you’re a menopausal cat lady or a pubescent heroin-addict, you can weigh in! 

The girls are immediately thrown into a walk-off and a photoshoot. During their strolls, we get to meet some of the models:

Kiara has a “strong” look and is really “competitive”, hence her basketball scholarship. Rob is already impressed by her walk.

Sweet little Kristin actually has a shady past. She was suspended from high school for several “altercations”. Nevertheless, she still has a pretty face.

Leila is “ready” for the competition and hopes that her “unique features” don’t scare the other girls.

Gappy Halloween

Destiny is from Ohio and lived in a group home. She doesn’t want to be the “angry” type but instead, wishes to succeed despite her “troubled past”.

During the photoshoot, girls like Nastasia and Kristin impress Johnny with their “effortless posing”.

Afterwards, the girls’ images are uploaded onto social media sites, where they can receive feedback. The models look on as their numbers rise, blissfully unaware that most of those ‘likes’ are being generated by the Facebook accounts of the enslaved orphans in Tyra’s basement.

During the one-on-ones, certain girls impress the judges:

Brittany, the “Disney fan”, impresses Kelly. She enjoys her “infectious energy” and can’t wait to see her again. (Relax Maleficent!)

Laura is no stranger to fame. Many years (and gastric bypasses) ago, her mother was the Australian representative in the Miss World pageant. Meanwhile in America, her father was busy filming the hit TV show Dynasty. Even though she herself was quite impressive on the runway, Johnny is left uninspired by her look in person. So, Tyra takes it upon herself to christen the girl with water blessed by the model gods (and Poland Spring).

In The Name of the Fierce, the Smize, and the H2T Ghost

Once she has been born again as a creature of fashion, Kelly notes that she has thousands of fan likes.

Destiny, majoring in cosmetology, tells the judges that she used to be homeless. After being kicked out at the age of sixteen, she had moved to a group home but is still hopeful. Rob Evans empathizes, saying that he had a similar experience when he was a boxer. He admires her drive and passionately encourages her to keep strong. I wonder if a Rob-Destiny romance is in the stars…

Other girls, however, are less than cosmic. Ivory, the fist-eater, and Jasmine, the psycho pusssy, both turn off the judges. Guess it’s back to the frat parties ladies…

Unlike those girls, Victoria is more reserved. She was homeschooled and is now taking online courses at Liberty College. Tyra thinks that she’s “mature” and Johnny agrees. The fans are not as impressed. A “racist” ogre by the name of Melissa thinks her face is bland but Victoria disagrees, calling it “expressive”.

When Victoria is not schooling people about her amazing look, she has a really fun personality. Despite being an “old soul”, she gets down better than most of the other students.

Scholar-hips

Johnny and Kelly are in love with Leila’s gap. They see “serious potential” and the fans agree, calling her “special” and “unique”.

But when their backs are turned, the other girls start dissing the two girls. Victoria tries to not let the other girls “get under her (multiethnic) skin”.

Maria is a religion major from Harvard. Tyra automatically bonds with her kin. After “coming out of the closet” about modeling, she is more confident than ever.

Kristin, the communications major, had some disagreements back in high school; getting suspended several times. And no, the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, she received the most likes on Facebook.

If you ever needed proof that everything’s bigger in Texas, just look at Yvonne! She hails from Austin and declares that she loves “long horns” (that’s what she said). Tyra is impressed with her gravity-defying tooch.

Kiara wants to be a “positive role model”. Despite being “abused” and running away at the age of sixteen, she received a basketball scholarship. But she assures the judges, modeling is her true passion.

The judges are really impressed by Darian’s “southern hospitality”. She reassures Rob that she will do “anything” to become America’s Next Top Model. All across the nation, Darian’s professors are having titillating memories of this same passion.

Financial AIDS

After all of these informing sessions, Tyra has decided which thirteen girls will move into the Top Model Sorority House. But first, she gives us a rundown of the new prizes.

The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000. 

Now, which thirteen girls are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model?

KRISTIN
NASTASIA
LAURA
ALLYSSA
DESTINY
KIARA
LEILA
DARIAN
MARIA
JESSIE
BRITTANY
YVONNE

And the final girl is...

VICTORIA

And there you have it! Next week, the girls will be walking in a fashion show. Apparently, Destiny (Hope Cyrus) sluts up the runway and Victoria is a drama queen. FUN!

Do you have any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!