The models return to their home, which has been reconstructed into a Buddhist temple. So naturally, they defile it with talk about last week’s sinful photoshoot. Jeremy states that the shoot with the leopard was his favorite because he got to release lots of “pent up---frustration”. “At least you’re not a virgin in photos,” Renee praises Jeremy’s latent bestiality.
If only to gloat that Jeremy gets off on assaulting poor animals, they show the photo with an appropriate Robin Thicke tune playing in the background.
Blurred Swines
Upset that even a baby leopard is sexier than Renee, Marvin sulks off in a corner. Hearing the sound of model tears (the secret to her youth), Tyra sprints over to the house. “Where’s Marvin?” she demands.
Feeling the touch of a black woman on him, Marvin automatically stiffens up (literally). “Oh, it’s just Tyra,” he sobs. Afraid to give ‘blue balls’ as an acceptable reason for crying, Marvin whines about being in the bottom so much (it says he’s ‘vers’ up on his Grindr!)
“I’m just a janitor’s son!” he cries on the floor. “You can be so much more than that,” Tyra comforts him before handing him a mop. “Those tears leave carpet stains though...”
After Marvin gets a taste of home (a bottle of Mr. Clean curtsey of Tyra!), he joins the others in a kumbaya circle. “When I came here for the first time, I had a mantra,” Tyra exclaims. Because ‘hakuna matata’ is probably copyrighted, she opts for, “you don’t choose Bali, Bali chooses you.” The models listen in horror. “Bali has touched me deeply…” Tyra claims.
Starvin’ Marvin is aroused by your statement.
In the spirit of Bali, Tyra decides to go around and let the models purge their insecurities:
Cory: Being the only gay male in this group is hard.
Nina: Being the eldest girl in this group is hard.
Marvin: Being next to Renee makes me hard.
Jeremy (flexing): Muscle too small. Need bigger.
Jourdan: My ex-husband used to complain about getting bigger! *cries*
Marvin (weeping): I just have a lot of feelings.
*voice in distance*: He doesn’t even go here!
Nina: I feel like Chris’ mother. I’ve even developed stretchmarks!
Renee: Sleeping with Marvin. He thinks cleaning is foreplay.
Chris (unsympathetic): Does anyone have a drink?
Jeremy: Chris need six-pack? *rips off shirt*
While he tries to wash away his sadness, Chris states that he’s jealous of all the friendships formed. When Nina tries to defend their bond, he reveals that he “wants you to be a friend, not a parent.”
“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!” Nina pleads. Even after she reveals that she “loves him…as a friend”, ̶O̶e̶d̶i̶p̶u̶s̶ Chris refuses to reciprocate.
Meanwhile, Marvin and Renee decide to put their relationship on blast. While the two cuddle, the silent Christian Jeremy “just watches” (WWJD? Creepily stare apparently) With all the pent-up sexual frustration in that room, I’m surprised Jeremy doesn’t tear down those Walls of Jericho and join the snuggling.
Adam & Eve & Steve
The next day, the models are conveniently taken to the “Garden of Eden”, where they will be shooting in a massive rice paddy.
Rice Rice Baby
Tyra announces that the theme of this shoot is “green”, complete with gangrene infestation. She introduces the models to Oka Diputra, one of the Indonesian designers that they will be modeling.
Then Rafi Ridwan enters. How do I begin to explain Rafi Ridwan? Let me just let Tyra Banks do the talking:
Ever the shrewd businesswoman, Tyra.
Jourdan squeals that Rafi is so good at life, being only nine and already in Indonesian Fashion Week. She wants to “inspire him” during her shoot. Don’t worry Jour, with your help, he’ll probably get married and divorced at seventeen!
Tyra takes the time to splatter color on everyone’s faces and the photoshoot goes underway. Marvin’s sexy Aladdin ensemble makes me beg the question: does the magic carpet match the drapes?
Jourdan is nervous that her look won’t match the exotic rice fields. Even when she falls into a cobra-infested swamp, her face remains basic.
Snakes On A Plain Jane
Cory decides to throw caution (and his fabric) to the wind and bring the theatricality the outfit requires. Nina also brings interesting and quirky body shapes into her shoot.
At the beginning of the shoot, Chris got frustrated and argued with Johnny and Jez Smith. He doesn’t understand how to pose naturally with the basket and by the end of the shoot, doesn’t get the right look.
Renee brings a nice regality to her posing. She’s described as a “princess who needs to be a queen.” When it’s Jeremy’s time to pose, he’s afraid of all the new elements (being in Bali, holding a basket, wearing a shirt).
He has difficulty working his body at the start of the shoot. After Johnny tells him to change up his pose, Jeremy freaks out and tries to get a good photo the only way he knows how; his surefire method: nipples. He practically strangles himself trying to get his ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ best assets into the photo.
Abreasted Development
After the shoot, Tyra decides to give them another ‘Bali chooses you’ experience by taking the models to a town in Bali called Uhad. Stop trying to make ‘Bali chooses you’ happen. It’s not going to happen…
Anyway, the models are taken to a shaman cleansing. Later, they venture off to an elephant park, where Jourdan starts sobbing. Since they’re large creatures that she rides, Jourdan must have been reminded of her ex-husband.
When she sees the elephant’s girth, Renee exclaims that “nothing can top this”. Marvin, whose “tired of being in the bottom so much”, takes that as a challenge (Jeremy’s not the only bestiality lover here!)
The models pair up to ride elephants. Cory grabs Jeremy, Nina and Jourdan shack up, Chris rides solo, and then there’s…Marvin and Renee. Or as they’ve been dubbed:
Marnee. Like Brad&Angelina, Kim&Kanye, and Britney&GuySheMarriedFor55Hours (something to aspire towards, Jourdan!), Marvin & Renee are practically attached at the hip.
Marvin convinces Renee to seize the romance of riding an elephant in Bali and kiss him in public. With his serenade of ‘don’t you wanna”, I’m unsure if Marvin is trying to flirt with Renee or advertising a soft drink…
Wanna (ele)Phanta?
Nevertheless, Renee takes up his offer and kisses him. In some countries, they’re married now (“not for long!” Jourdan gloats).
After their frolicking in Uhad, the models receive a Skull Mail.
Panel
“You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”
Marvin: He's a "smoldering hot" Balinese prince. He receives a triad of 9s.
Renee: Rob likes the candid pose while the women feel that she's not committing enough. She gets two 7s and a 10.
Jourdan: On the flipside, Kelly and Tyra love the H2T European posing while Rob deems it too 'fake'. She is given a 7, 9, and 10.
Cory: Like Jourdan, Rob doesn't like the connection between the fierce pose and the rice paddy. The ladies love the androgynous look and he is praised with two 9s and a 6.
Nina: She's called a "crazy ass carnival" by Kelly. While Tyra admits that she could work the dress backstage, she feels that the pose isn't on par. She gets two 6s and an 8.
Chris: Rob likes the candidness but the women feel that there are areas for improvement. He gets a 7 and two 8s.
Jeremy: He is deemed too "commercial" for this fashion shoot. Tyra says that he needs to work on his body to do high fashion. He gets a trio of 7s.
"Seven beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”
JOURDAN (33.0)
MARVIN (32.7)
CORY (30.0)
RENEE (29.2)
"Will Chris, Nina, and Jeremy please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the beauty that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 26.9, that model with the lowest score is..."
NINA
"Now, with a score of 28.5 to 27.7, the model who stays in the competition is..."
CHRIS
Next week, the models will take on a shoot in a batcave with some terrible make-up. It's beyond ratchet. It's so bad, I've created a new adjective to describe this photoshoot. “You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”
Marvin: He's a "smoldering hot" Balinese prince. He receives a triad of 9s.
Renee: Rob likes the candid pose while the women feel that she's not committing enough. She gets two 7s and a 10.
Jourdan: On the flipside, Kelly and Tyra love the H2T European posing while Rob deems it too 'fake'. She is given a 7, 9, and 10.
Cory: Like Jourdan, Rob doesn't like the connection between the fierce pose and the rice paddy. The ladies love the androgynous look and he is praised with two 9s and a 6.
Nina: She's called a "crazy ass carnival" by Kelly. While Tyra admits that she could work the dress backstage, she feels that the pose isn't on par. She gets two 6s and an 8.
Chris: Rob likes the candidness but the women feel that there are areas for improvement. He gets a 7 and two 8s.
Jeremy: He is deemed too "commercial" for this fashion shoot. Tyra says that he needs to work on his body to do high fashion. He gets a trio of 7s.
"Seven beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”
JOURDAN (33.0)
MARVIN (32.7)
CORY (30.0)
RENEE (29.2)
"Will Chris, Nina, and Jeremy please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the beauty that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 26.9, that model with the lowest score is..."
NINA
"Now, with a score of 28.5 to 27.7, the model who stays in the competition is..."
CHRIS
Batchet
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