ANTM cycle 21 premiere: "21 Hump Street"

Welcome to the 21st cycle of America’s Next Top Model! The show that has inevitably started many drinking games is now old enough to do it on its own. Tyra promises that this “fierce cycle full of tooching smizers” (that’s three and a half shot if you’re keeping track) will be the luckiest one yet. Considering that they still manage to get people to audition for this thing, I have to concur.

Another thing we can agree on (me agreeing with Tyra? It must be the beer goggles) is that there is “something missing” from this cycle. Tyra uses a scene with little children to announce her fear that she’s “looking for something”. A functioning uterus? Well, whatever this is will surely calm your spirits, Tyra…

During her search for an heir with great hair, Tyra has collected 34 models to compete in a runway show. Chantelle, a 19-year-old from Canada, is very eager to show the world that her vitiligo doesn’t mean she’s not beautiful. Her story is as beautiful as her, and I’m sure that she’s find this competition as easy as EhBC…

The Last Supper Club

As the models file into The Supper Club in Los Angeles, they grow more anxious to meet the other gender. Like the awkward chaperone at a middle-school dance, Cory Wade-Hindorff from cycle 20 separates the models with a wall. Despite their pleas for him to roll up the partition (please), Cory tells the separate models that they will be participating in a EDM fashion show. For all the old geezers like me, I looked this term up on an online encyclopedia and got the definition ‘Electronic Dance Music’. But then again, this site also says that a ‘surfboart’ is not a surfing tool, so I’m wary of its credentials. 

Nevertheless, Cory tells them that at the end of the catwalk, they will take a selfie and decorate it using the Line app(once again, that’s the Line app. wink) Finally, he explains that the models must create a hashtag to paint on their body while they walk. In order to demonstrate, Cory starts to teach the models how to walk as straight as a Line. The irony here is not lost on me.

The girls go backstage and start thinking of words. Raelia, whose thin body distracts the other girls, should be more interested in hashbrowns than hashtags. In the middle of the chaos, Cory enters with a one-sided mirror (bought at Ikea wink) where the guys can check out their competition.

-ATTENTION: For those participating in the Marvin Cortez special (taking a drink everytime a boy pops a boner), please skip this section. I, and the state of California, will not be held responsible for any injuries or death due to this drinking game.-

Knowing that they’re being watched, the girls show off their skills in the mirror. When it’s Kari’s turn at the all-knowing glass, the boys can hardly contain their excitement. 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Make Them Kari A Blue Ball

Feeling upstaged, the guys take a turn showing off. Not one to make small talk (or probably just not capable of forming a whole sentence), Adam screams at the mirror. The girls don’t react smoothly to the mating cry. Instead, they return to making their hashtags. Shei is excited to leave her go-go dancing to become a model, while Mirjana hopes to make Serbia proud.

Moments before the runway show begins, a shadowy figure descends from the ceiling. Tyra cascades down draped in black while screaming “tooch booch fierce smize”. The models look over their contracts for a moment before breaking out into obligational fanfare. What was supposed to be a grand diva entrance felt more like a demented retelling of the ending of Jack & the Giant Beanstalk.

While Tyra mumbles “fe fi fo fum’ in the corner, the true showstopper arrives. With a long cape, and legs to match, Miss Jay Alexander plummets the runway. With a greeting that is only described as “taking me to church”, Jay informs the models that he has returned to help judge this cycle.

The models walk on the runway in pairs. Most of them have trouble keeping in a straight line (thanks Marvin!) and fail to take good selfies. Confused as to why people aren’t showering the end of the runway with dollar bills like usual, Shei stumbles to the back of the runway. Only one model really steals the spotlight: Will.

Judging by his staggering height (6’6) and matching psychique, Will proves that everything’s bigger in Texass. I’m hoping that he can become the breakout star of this cycle; the Beyonce in this family of destiny’s neglected children.

Wills, Wills, Wills

After the fashion show, the models are given the unique opportunity of using the Line app to elevate their selfies to the next level (from awful to terrible!)

Later that day, Kelly Cutrone joins Miss Jay and Tyra to begins the judging rounds. Chantelle surprises the judges with her beautiful stature, and “corn fed” Ben hits on Tyra. Kelly, amaized that Ben would be so unprofessional, sends him out to think about his longevity as a model.

Danny, a Staten Island based model who auditioned for cycle 20, returns with an air of cockiness. His arrogance annoys Romeo, the 23 year old from California. His audition with the judges, however, was more well received.

When Adam goes before the judges, the 26 year old proudly states that he’s a “professional partier.” He is a “legend” in his fraternity, Pi Gamma Douche, and reassures us that he is still “very smart.” He can tell when it’s already raining! 

In addition to being a skilled weatherman, Adam promises that he can squeeze modelling into this tight schedule. So tight in fact, that he can only have sex for two minutes. I’m sure his left hand is very unimpressed. Nevertheless, the Minute Man continues to have a very healthy lifestyle, eating (out) three times a day. In addition, he brags that this entrepreneurship in math could land him on the cover of many publications. 

STIme Magazine

After the judges disinfect the studio, Lenox is allowed to audition. She connects with Tyra after doing some strange forehead bonding ritual. She then tells the judges that her father died two weeks ago. Tyra consoles her and allows her to use the competition as something to grow stronger with.

Will struts in with a pair of high heels. He tells Tyra that after teaching girls to achieve their dreams through dance, he wants to take this opportunity to do it himself. Tyra praises Abby Lee Willer for his selfie and confidence as an out gay model.

In the middle of the auditions, a girl named Jamie Rae appears. This “blonde bombshell” immediately threatens the other girls with her statuesque presence. 

When she auditions for the judges, Tyra immediately takes a liking to her. Linking her to a “real life Barbie doll”, Tyra calls her almost unreal. She is not impressed Jamie Rae and rebukes her until she takes off her makeup. Looks like someone’s jealous Ty-Ty. Don’t worry, she’s definitely not trying to steal your gig. Is she? 

Life-Size 3 Confirmed?

Nevertheless, Tyra is the boss here. And her request overwhelms all two of Jamie Rae’s brain cells. Still, she walks off and washes her face. Tyra and the judges react positively to the “real” girl behind the mask.

But not everyone’s true colors are being taken in stride. When Romeo pulls out a pack of tarot cards, Danny and Keith are frightened. Annoyed that his audition didn’t go to well, Denzel also freaks out at the unconventional kid.

But luckily, Romeo is the judge’s favorite Shakesqueer character. He saunters into the judging panel with an arm full of tattoos and a gothic flannel. If Kelly Cutrone could blow away the cobwebs out of her batcave, she would go gaga for Othello. In addition to being a gothic vampire, he is a bisexual man who practices Wicca. If his modelling career ever falls through, he can still secure a job on The CW’s new hit sitcom:

Biwitched

After Hamlet finishes his audition, the judges decide to cut the pool of models from 34 to 22. 

Get Lucky (Strike)

The models are greeted by Kelly Cutrone and Jay at the Lucky Strike bowling alley. One by one, the models will roll and get told if they are still in the competition or not. As the competition thins out, cheers and screams are let out. 

Personally, I have never seen Will this excited about a bear since the last time he went out clubbing.

With all the celebration aside, the twenty-two semi-finalists are told that their journey does not here. Next week will have more drama, another photoshoot, and only fourteen models will make it. Who will they be? Which product will Tyra shamelessly plug next? Stay tuned to find out!