Let’s just pause and discuss this opening. I was hoping that after Maria quit, we would be cleansed of this godforsaken epileptic nightmare. But since it’s here for the long haul, we might as well talk about the trashiness. First of all, it’s cheap. Like ‘a prostitute from Reno’ cheap.
Second, it’s terribly edited. I get a chill every time I see it, most likely from the ghosts of the hookers that wore those secondhand outfits passing though me. But worst of all, Tyra Janks. Why is half of the opening dedicated to her burning lions? We get it. You’re a pre-menopausal woman; stop molesting your employees (leave that for your Harvard professors.)
Plus, what the hell does it say on her shirt: you be the jugs? Is this an open invitation to lay upon a supermodel’s chest and violently rub up against Rob Evans?
Breast of Both Worlds
Well anyway, whenever she’s not smothering Rob under the weight of her colossal bosom, Tyra is awarding keys to the Suite. Because she received best picture last week, Victoria gets the honor of living in her room of isolation. Allyssa thinks she needs to “cut the umbilical cord” and Kiara doesn’t like her “presidential” attitude. But Victoria is left unfazed by the opinions of peasants.
On the other side of the house, Yvonne is very “grateful” for her fans’ dedication to her. Kristin also appreciates her social media scores, thinking that the judges “aren’t being fair” with her. Kiara thinks that the pressure is getting to Kristin and soon, she’ll “crack”.
After Kristin goes into Destiny’s purse without permission, she gets screamed at. However, Kristin does not have a necessary amount of fucks to give. So instead, she takes the aggressive route in an attempt to get punched. Thus, in the same vein as a certain pop star, she begs to get “hit”, sending small pellets of chewed-up cud onto the faces of onlookers.
Spit Me Baby One More Time
Madea Goes To Yale
The girls are met by Tyra in the streets of California. She reminds them that models are “storytellers” and introduces them to their first acting challenge. She has gotten the “best” to come work with them today and tells Tyler Perry to “come out”.
At first, I thought that he was an All-American heterosexual, but then he appeared. With that sassy hat and his cross-dressing tendencies, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ‘enjoys the company of men’.
The Family That Gays
Some girls, like Destiny and Leila, proved to be “too tense” to be actresses. Victoria, on the other hand, got the crowd rowdy. Her role as a British diva startled the audience and they refused to participate with her. In a sudden devotion to vegetarianism, one of the onlookers threw fried chicken at her but nevertheless, she recovered.
Kiara thinks that she could be in a “Tyler Perry production” and Kristin raps her way to success. Laura impressed with her free spirited street performance and Yvonne…well, she looked like Lil Kim (well, Lil Kim after she ate Nicki Minaj). Still, she committed throughout the whole scene and even her “Will Rap for Food” (not surprised) was on point.
In the end, the winner is…KIARA!
Back in the house, Yvonne gets on the telephone to get “words of encouragement” from her boyfriend, Brandon. She tries to “stand out” doesn’t want to be “famous” for her butt, unlike other people…
Kim Kardassian
After a quick (de)briefing with her man, Yvonne is ready for the next photoshoot.
The Catwalking Dead
The girls arrive at the War of the Worlds set where Johnny is accompanied by Bryanboy. The juxtaposition only enhances Johnny’s cuteness (even though anyone would look better in comparison to a severely bruised platypus). But anyway, Johnny tells them that they will be posing as “apothalypthic thombies”. His terrible diction just makes me want to…
Jump His Bones
Before the shoot, Victoria was nervous about the prosthetics but worked them in the photo. Johnny was worried that she needs “diversity”. Nastasia had good styling but needs to learn to “elongate” in photos.
Laura was a “champ” and went “full force” into the shoot. Allyssa was “hungry for flesh” and Johnny was upset that she wouldn’t “spice it up”. He kept telling her to “eat him” but she looked like she’d “sleep with him” instead. #I’ddoboth
Yvonne, on the other hand, was just plain hungry. Johnny liked the face but didn’t think she was “working her body” enough. Kiara struggled at first but got a good shot by the end.
Destiny tried to bring it but by the end, just looked “dead”. Kristin had difficulty “delivering” and wouldn’t “follow direction”. Brittany, on the other hand, effortlessly “worked her bad side”.
After the shoot, the girls receive a SKULL MAIL! “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”
PANEL
"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”
Leila: Tyra thought that she had “stunning eyes” and, with Rob, gave her a 9. Kelly and the fans agree, it’s a 7.
Kiara: Rob thought it was “uninteresting” and the triad of judges gave her a 6.
Brittany: Tyra (who gave her a 9 with Kelly) thought she was a “psycho housewive” but didn’t like that there were no “open sores on her face”. Rob, who unlike Tyra, prefers his models herpes-free, gave her an 8.
Victoria: Kelly thought it was “too angelic” and the trio gifted her 6’s.
Destiny: Rob thought that she “didn’t work it” but gave her a 6. The two women were unimpressed by her pose, deeming it a 5.
Laura: Tyra believes that it’s “stunning” but is a “no neck monster”. Nevertheless, Laura receives a threesome of 9’s.
Kristin: Kelly thinks that she doesn’t “take risks” and gives her a 4. While Rob agrees with her, him and Tyra are a little nicer with their 6 and 7.
Allyssa: The judges are in a consensus: she’s “too pretty”. She receives two 7’s and an 8 from Tyra.
Nastasia: Kelly and Rob are unimpressed with her “alluded shortness” and give her a 6 and 7. Tyra, however, thinks it’s “subtle but strong” and graces her with a 9.
Yvonne: Kelly thinks that she’s a “World War I stripper” and along with Rob, grants her a 6. Tyra is less than impressed with the “awkwardness” and gives her a 5.
“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”
"Ten beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have nine photos in my hands. And these nine photos represent the ten girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and picture is..."
LAURA (42.5)
LEILA (37.3)
BRITTANY (37.3)
ALLYSSA (35.3)
KIARA (32.7)
NASTASIA (32.4)
VICTORIA (31.2)
KRISTIN (30.9)
“Will Yvonne and Destiny please step forward? With a score of 29.5 to 27, the girl still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model is…”
YVONNE
Destiny is still hopeful that she can return with the Comeback Series.
LAURA (42.5)
LEILA (37.3)
BRITTANY (37.3)
ALLYSSA (35.3)
KIARA (32.7)
NASTASIA (32.4)
VICTORIA (31.2)
KRISTIN (30.9)
“Will Yvonne and Destiny please step forward? With a score of 29.5 to 27, the girl still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model is…”
YVONNE
Destiny is still hopeful that she can return with the Comeback Series.
Next week , the girls will meet Alicia Keys. After a fashion show, Laura cries and Yvonne displays her blurry vagina during a cheerleading shoot. Don’t miss it!
Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week…
Give Me A V!
No comments:
Post a Comment