ANTM c19 episode 2: Waxidermy

Welcome back to the pristine gates of the America’s Next Top Model Sorority house. For those of you who are still confused about the new system; Mama Tyra breaks it down: every week, the girls will be graded in their challenge, photo, and by the public. That’s right; STD infections and calorie intake aren’t the only numbers these models are going to be counting. During every panel, the girl with the lowest calculated score will be eliminated.

While the girls get accustomed to their new home, some tell us about their lives. Kiara is the “youngest of seven children” and had to be the “mother”. But still, that doesn’t stop her from screaming like a maniac when Tyra enters the house.

She welcomes the thirteen finalists into the home and introduces them to the Tyra Suite. She informs them that the girl who receives best picture will be granted access into this room; complete with a queen-sized bed and closet space. Forget the fact that Tyra probably sneaks into it during the late hours of the night to steal the beauty of the beholder, the girls are ecstatic about the news!

The Faux-tan of Youth

Later into the day, the girls are chatting about sex and boys when Victoria announces that she’s “a virgin”. The other girls, confused about the hymen who’s never said hi to a man, immediately label her ‘weird’. Nevertheless, she is unapologetic, saying that she can receive that “type of intimacy” from her mom. Oedipus must be rolling over in his grave…
Anyway, while they are discussing Victoria’s lack of a Victor, they suddenly hear a BOOM BOOM! Is it an earthquake? A hurricane? Tyra’s ego? Luckily, it’s just a step team. They pound the floor for a few more minutes and then announce that they’re the “famous Iota Phi Theta steppers”. Who would’ve thought that stomping your feet was a profession…

Afterwards, Rob Evans emerges from the crowd. He tells the girls to pack their bags for a trip to L.A.

The Hollywood Spills

Once they arrive in California, the girls are whisked away to a club, where they are met by Jonte’. You know the bitch is classy when he has a spare punctuation mark in his name…

Anyway, Rob tells them that he is an esteemed choreographer, dancer, and singer. But let’s be real, he is mostly known by the Catholic schoolchildren he terrifies. Seriously, it’s like he’s the reincarnation of what every Italian poet has nightmares about.

Jonte’s Inferno

When he’s not roaming the Sixth Circle of Hell, Jonte works with the likes of Beyoncé (that’s Circle #3). There, he has studied the runways and will help judge the girls’ first strut down the catwalk. 

Some girls, like Destiny and Jessie, have problems walking with confidence. Leila, on the other hand, effortlessly “engaged the audience”. Of course, others took that to mean “flash all of America”. Good call, Kristin!

Victoria displayed “personality” throughout her stroll and Yvonne showcased her ‘personal parts’ when she kicked up her leg. 

Maria has an insane amount of trouble on the runway. She finds it “difficult” to let her inhibitions go because she is a “lot more mature” than the other girls…

And she has no time to waste on sexual innuendos. She zips through the catwalk and hardly engages anyone. By the end, Victoria thinks she won because of her “ground breaking performance”, but the true pavement crusher is…

YVONNE! She is given a key to the Tyra Suite when a bearded mammoth trudges up to them. P’Trique, the fair-haired manatee from before, surprises them with a…

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow’s challenge will leave you hanging. So be sure to kill the shoot. Love, Tyra.”

When they returned to the house, Destiny started pouting about having one of the worst grades. Kiara suggests that the reason why is because she looked “like a stripper” on the runway. Destiny does not take this lightly because apparently, getting called an exotic dancer brings shame to this homeless runaway teen…

She Gives Good Head

Confused about the Tyra Mail all day, the girls are unaware of this photoshoot’s location. As the car drives by, they see an array of images, which they decipher as clues. Listening to their awful guesses is usually dull but when I saw this, I knew it was gonna be a heck of a shoot.

He’s More of a ‘Breast’ Man

Scared that they would be shooting something terrible (like a Nivea ad!), the girls were pleasantly surprised when they see Johnny Wujek surrounded by game trophies. He is accompanied by Shanae Grimes, the 90210 actress, who will be shooting the girls today. Because taking ‘artistic’ photos of shoes and a bald woman are enough credentials to get booked for America’s Next Top Model.

Nastasia impresses Johnny with her eyes. Even though he name means “resurrection of the dead”, he sees “life in her expression. Even though Yvonne found it “difficult”, she ended up getting good shots.

Brittany was “random but good” with her posing. Being a “small town girl,” Laura was used to the scene. She found it “easy” to pose as a dead animal.

Johnny liked Victoria’s “uniqueness” but was turned off by her mouth. He didn’t like that she was constantly talking through the shoot but I disagree. Even when she was urging the fans to vote, the words she expelled were just pure poetry. Just like the great speakers before her (Gandhi, Maya Angelo, Ke$ha), I suddenly feel the urge to permanently mark myself with her words of wisdom.

My New Penis Tattoo

Kristin had a bit of an “attitude” during the shoot but still looked amazing throughout. Shanae thought Jessie was “cute” but needed more “focus”. She wanted a “good photo” but considering our photographer’s past work, I question Jessie’s odds.

Darian was “striking” during the shoot and so was Kiara. Leila captured an “otherworldly” vibe in her photographs. Allyssa was good and Johnny liked that she had a “Brazilian flair (and wax)”.

Maria, on the other hand, failed to impress Johnny. He spotted the “goods” in her face but was disappointed that she “didn’t use it” to her advantage.

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail.

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

“Hello ladies. First, let’s talk about our new judges. First, we have the fabulous PR maven, Ms. Kelly Cutrone. Then, we have the sexy super male model, Rob Evans. And then we have Bryanboy, our social media correspondent.”

Ok, let’s pause and discuss this insect of a man real quick. He looks like a cross between a tarantula and a praying mantis whose face has been stepped on. Seriously, for someone who supposedly runs a “fashion blog”, he dresses like a blind Amish nun going to a funeral (most likely for her good taste).


Whack Widow

But I digress. Tyra explains that the girls will receive scores from the judges and that, coupled with the fan vote and the challenge scores, will determine who gets eliminated.

“Now we all know the prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Yvonne: Tyra thinks that it’s reminiscent of “a bull”. She receives straight 6’s but the fans disagree, thinking that she’s “fierce”.



Kiara: Rob likes the expression in the shoot and gives it an 8. Tyra and Kelly agree on 7’s but the fans are not as impressed, calling it the “worst picture of the bunch.”



Jessie: Kelly thinks that she looks like an “actress in a horror movie” and awards her a 4. Rob and Tyra are also uninspired by her look and give her a 4 and 5.



Laura: Tyra calls it “high fashion” and Kelly agrees, loving the “intense yet blank” look. They give her two 8’s and a 9. The fans agree, deeming it “mystical and dreamy.”



Maria: Rob thinks she’s “intense” but needs to learn her angles. She receives a 5 and two 6’s.



Leila: Rob “believes” the moment and Kelly thinks it “super high fashion”. A fan with a Popsicle calls it “head and shoulders above the rest” and prompts Tyra to pantomime what she does to Rob backstage. Ick…



Darian: Tyra thinks that she “oversmized” and gives her a 6. Kelly and Rob stick with 5’s.



Brittany: She receives a lukewarm response from the judges (9/7/6) but is called “arrogant” by the fans.



Kristin: Kelly calls it “animalistic” and gives her a 9. Tyra and Rob are on board, gifting her an 8 and 7.



Allyssa: Tyra likes the “dead intensity” and gives her a 9. Rob and Kelly are less hesitant, awarding her a 6 and 5.



Victoria: Rob thinks it’s “too intense” and gives her a 6. Kelly dawns her a 5 but Tyra is into it, deeming it an 8. The fans love her, calling her “confident”.



Nastasia: Kelly likes that she “stands out” and gave her a 7. Tyra and Rob are in sync with their 8’s.



Destiny: Both the fans and judges agree, Destiny doesn’t “scream model”. She received a 5 from Rob and twin 6’s from Kelly and Tyra.

“Now the judges and I will calculate your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Thirteen beautiful young ladies stand before me. But I only have twelve photos in my hands. And these twelve photos represent the twelve of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and thus, the best photo this week is…”

LEILA (40.4)

NASTASIA (36.6)
BRITTANY (36.3)
LAURA (36.0)
KRISTIN (34.7)
KIARA (34.3)
YVONNE (33.8)
ALLYSSA (32.1)
VICTORIA (31.2)
DARIAN (28.9)
MARIA (28.1)

“Will Destiny and Jessie please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 26.9 to 22.7, that girl is…”

DESTINY 

Even though she really wanted to be there, Jessie is “content” with her journey.

But first (shoutout to Julie Chen!), there’s a special Comeback Series. Bryanboy explains that the first six eliminees will be battling for a chance to return to the competition. Wow.

Next week, the girls may (or may not) get makeovers. In an attempt to cloak the show’s waning budget, she is allowing the girls to choose whether or not they want a makeover. Plus, there’s a heated discussion about the authenticity of Kiara’s bitchiness. You won’t want to miss it!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 7: In Good Company

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to film a French cell phone advert. Because she received the best reception, Letitia was forced to cut Anne’s service short. During a romantic photoshoot in Paris, Anita and Lisa put the ‘her’ back in ‘herpes’. Even though Emma gave ‘contraception’ a whole new meaning, it was Anne who was ultimately aborted from the competition. Now only 9 girls remain. Who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

After some silent contemplations and rejoicing from the latest eliminations, the girls receive an E-Mail.

“Tomorrow you will be displaying your full model potential. Love, Elle.”

Mannecants

The girls arrive at Carnaby Street, one of the most famous shopping destinations in London. They are met by Laura Whitmore, who challenges them to “stand out”. She announces that they will be competing for the attention of the passing public in the rain.

Throughout the hour, the British passerby study the girls, who have numbers on their crotches as identification (and price tags). Seriously, most of them look like Adele during her streetwalking years. 

Chasing Payments

Anyway, Emma and Lisa were most adorned by the public. Halfway through the challenge, Risikat realized that “this has nothing to do” with becoming a Top Model. She kept the bitterness in her face until the moment when two women asked the girls to “turn around”.

Apparently, Risikat didn’t think that being checked out was “funny” and stormed off. Forget getting molested by Julian or maimed to fulfill Tyson’s wet dreams, lesbianism is where Risikat draws the line!

Roxanne doesn’t appreciate being the butt of everyone’s jokes either. She runs after Risikat and with the help of Laura, coaxes her back to the podium. In a little while though, she also starts to miss her daughter and losses her spirits. 

But luckily, not everyone has given up on this challenge. While Madeleine and Letitia stayed glamorous, Anita corrupts Carnaby Street with her sultry poses that are only acceptable for selling various sexual accessories. 

Londoms Sold Here

After this dreadful hour is up, the girl with the least votes is…

KELLIE. Several confessionals confirm what we were all thinking: really? But nevertheless, Kellie remains positive about the experience. Now, the girl with the most votes (and who will be receiving a shopping spree) is…Emma! She picks her soul sister Letitia to join her in Carnaby Street. 

A Series of Unfortunate Cookies

The next day, the girls receive take-out and dine together. After what seemed like a calming and peaceful meal, they stumble across a bad labeled ‘desserts’. Obviously, none of these women have seen Disney movies because they open the bag nonchalantly; oblivious to the typhoon of drama they unsuspectingly unleashed. 

Malice in Wonderland

Buried in the ruse of fortune cookies are “provocative questions” for the girls. Some questions, like “who has the most annoying habits” spark little debate over the girls. But Living is determined to milk this carcass for blood and proceeds with tougher questions. 

Anita gets the “who is the biggest diva” in the house question and because there are no full-figured prima-donnas in the house, she settles on Madeleine.

In retaliation, everyone must answer the next question: “who would you least want to be paired up with during a photo shoot.” While some girls try to deactivate this drama bomb, Madeleine attacks it full-force. She answers ‘Anita’ and causes a larger rift between the two. 

Then, she proceeds to call Letitia the least fashionable girl because she is “too sexy”. Not that Madeleine is one to talk about glamour. The closest she can get to a high-fashion editorial is an advertisement for marijuana or euthanizing elderly dogs.

Drugs or Pugs?

While Madeleine contemplates which -ug to do with her Ug, the girls receive another E-Mail.

“You will be meeting some very important people tomorrow where it’s every girl for herself. Love, Elle.”

The Cast Supper

The next day, the girls meet with Julian McDonald who tells them that they will be taking part in a casting. He is accompanied by top British fashion designer Hasan Hejazi, who has created looks for Kylie Minogue and Jessie J.

Let me just go on record and say that he is beyond cute and he can have my bodice anyday…

But back to the challenge. Julian implores that he and Hasan will not be the only ones judging. As they walk with Hasan’s designs, the other models will be giving them scores. With all the judging and scoring this episode, I wouldn’t be surprised if today is a national holiday where British people tear away at the self-confidence of young girls. But I digress…

Even though most of the dresses were tight on the girls, they praise Hasan’s work. Before the show, he reminds them that they are all “fantastic” and they won’t have anything to worry about. Why must he be so perfect? Seriously, he is friendly, designs great clothes, and remains positive after seeing Madeleine in a thong. Never have I ever wanted to pluck a guitar’s G-string as much as I want to now…

He Got That Super(b)ass

But forget about my aching loins, the girls started walking:

Even though Kellie looked amazing in her dress, the other girls gave her a 32. In retaliation, Letitia was given a 25. Emma and Letitia received the worst walks of the week and Madeleine had a ‘hairy’ problem with her bikini line. To make a long story short, all of the girls gave an array of 2’s and 3’s. Too bad these numbers weren’t ranking Hasan because we all know what that would look like…

But anyway…after all of the girls walk, Julian is left unimpressed. He is upset at their bored and dull expressions. He singles out Roxanne for being bored and in the end, announces the winner to be…

LISA! Hasan then chose Letitia as his favorite model. Afterwards, they head back home to receive an E-Mail that reads: 

“Have you been in good company with one another? Love Elle.”

Three’s Company

The girls are met by Victoria White, the editor of Company Magazine, who tells them that they will shooting a six-page sports feature for the publication. In addition, they will be joined by the band, Rizzle Kicks.

Roxanne was having a “fun time” being flirty with the duo. Her sexual appeal was “effortless”. Emma however, had difficulty being “relaxed” with the two men.

Jennifer on the other hand, was very “comfortable” with the boys. She was “beautiful” and “playful”, just like Lisa. Despite her trouble with the sunlight, she created a glamorous image. After impressing the client with her “great body”, Victoria assures Madeleine that she would “be booked” for the magazine.

Although she was “really pretty” in person, Risikat was fazed by the band. Victoria was left unimpressed. Even though she was left “cold” by Letitia, Victoria loves her as a model. She wasn’t as happy with Kellie and Anita, who were both “overthinking” the shot instead of relaxing into the shoot. 

After the shoot, Roxanne gets a special meeting with her kid.

PANEL

This week, the guest judge is hot new British model, Tali Lennox.



Madeleine: While Tali and Whitney agree that the body is good in this photo, they are left unimpressed by her face. However, she will be appearing in Company.



Anita: Julian thinks that she is “comfortable” with Rizzle Kicks. Tyson likes her “progression” as a model and sees her “growing”. She will also be in Company.



Jennifer: Tyson thinks that it should be in Italian Vogue but the Company editor disagrees, making it one of the three rejected pictures.



Lisa: All of the judges love it and so did the Company editor.



Letitia: Whitney thinks that she looks “harsh”. Tyson disagrees and calls her “phresh”. Company agrees because she is IN.



Risikat: Elle tells Risikat that she has to suck it up when she makes excuses about the challenge. Tali agrees and gives her words of wisdom. Tyson is upset and wants to “eliminate her” but the other judges are entranced by her photo, which will be in Company as well.



Emma: Julian likes her “juxtaposition” but the others disagree, calling her “awkward”. Unfortunately, she will not be in Company.



Kellie: Whitney is lukewarm about the picture. Unfortunately, the Company editors agree, keeping it unprinted.



Roxanne: While Roxanne herself doesn’t like the picture, both the photographer and the Company editor love it, calling her “their favorite”.

“Now we will decide which one of you will be leaving us today.”

The judges are struggling with Madeleine because she was chosen by Company but not them. Julian and Tali think that Anita is a “top model”. Tyson and Elle love Jennifer’s image and call Lisa “drop dead gorgeous”. 

While Whitney is not impressed with Letitia’s pose, she does like the “variety”. Tali warns Risikat about her attitude but loves her print work. The judges don’t like Emma’s image but are hopeful that she has “potential”. Julain loves Kellie’s “personality” but not her look. Whitney thinks that Roxanne has a “great photo” and deserves to stay.


“I have 9 beautiful models before me, but I only have 8 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the eight girls who are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call is the girl who has received best picture…”

LISA

ROXANNE
JENNIFER
RISIKAT
ANITA
LETITIA
EMMA

“Will Kellie and Madeleine please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands and this photo represent the girl who is still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. So, who is that girl?”

MADELEINE

Fittingly, Turning Tables starts playing, probably to mirror the millions of tables being flipped over in anger over Kellie’s elimination.

Next week, the girls walk on water (suck it Jesus!) and take on a nude shoot in a laundry. 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

ANTM c19 premiere: Alpha Ty

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Tyra and co. have come together once again to discover America’s next supermodel (or at least create some good reality television.)

Eighteen cycles of America’s Next Top Model have come and gone and just like Kelly Cutrone’s breast milk, its flavor has gone stale. So in an attempt to breathe new life in the carcass of Top Model, Tyra has enlisted the stylistic services of a “man” named P’Trique. Because all fashionable males resemble the Abominable Snowman with blonde bangs and a bushy ‘stache. 

Tom Yeti

After he (?) spits out some concepts that are sure to scare the village people, Tyra has a revelation: a college cycle. Inspired by her short stay at Harvard (3 minutes in the parking lot) and her resulting business degree ($50 and a printer), Tyra decided to open up the competition to her fellow scholars.

But her newfound love of education isn’t the only thing Mama Ty has up her sleeve: this cycle, the judging table has been revamped. But more on that later. Tyra has scourged universities from all across the nation and handpicked the lucky 30 semi-finalists. 

Beauty School Dropouts

The thirty girls arrive at the Top Model Sorority House, where only 13 of them will be admitted. After they fistpump and “represent” their prospective schools with a “wooo!”, the dean of admissions walks in.

Tyra announces the changes to the girls. First, there’s Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone, fashion PR maven (why all the black, Kell? Who died? Well, other than your sex appeal…)

Speaking of, the next judge is sexy Englishman Rob Evans! Rob is highly sought after and in a few short years, has gone from “world renowned boxer to esteemed male model (to future gay porn star)”.

Glad You Came

Afterwards, Tyra introduces our new creative director, Johnny Wujek (whose lisp is adorable, may I add). Being Katy Perry’s personal stylist, I expect some diplomas to shoot out of bras within the next two photoshoots… 

And finally, the 4^th judge is…YOU! That’s right guys, the American public will be voting for their favorites. Whether you’re a menopausal cat lady or a pubescent heroin-addict, you can weigh in! 

The girls are immediately thrown into a walk-off and a photoshoot. During their strolls, we get to meet some of the models:

Kiara has a “strong” look and is really “competitive”, hence her basketball scholarship. Rob is already impressed by her walk.

Sweet little Kristin actually has a shady past. She was suspended from high school for several “altercations”. Nevertheless, she still has a pretty face.

Leila is “ready” for the competition and hopes that her “unique features” don’t scare the other girls.

Gappy Halloween

Destiny is from Ohio and lived in a group home. She doesn’t want to be the “angry” type but instead, wishes to succeed despite her “troubled past”.

During the photoshoot, girls like Nastasia and Kristin impress Johnny with their “effortless posing”.

Afterwards, the girls’ images are uploaded onto social media sites, where they can receive feedback. The models look on as their numbers rise, blissfully unaware that most of those ‘likes’ are being generated by the Facebook accounts of the enslaved orphans in Tyra’s basement.

During the one-on-ones, certain girls impress the judges:

Brittany, the “Disney fan”, impresses Kelly. She enjoys her “infectious energy” and can’t wait to see her again. (Relax Maleficent!)

Laura is no stranger to fame. Many years (and gastric bypasses) ago, her mother was the Australian representative in the Miss World pageant. Meanwhile in America, her father was busy filming the hit TV show Dynasty. Even though she herself was quite impressive on the runway, Johnny is left uninspired by her look in person. So, Tyra takes it upon herself to christen the girl with water blessed by the model gods (and Poland Spring).

In The Name of the Fierce, the Smize, and the H2T Ghost

Once she has been born again as a creature of fashion, Kelly notes that she has thousands of fan likes.

Destiny, majoring in cosmetology, tells the judges that she used to be homeless. After being kicked out at the age of sixteen, she had moved to a group home but is still hopeful. Rob Evans empathizes, saying that he had a similar experience when he was a boxer. He admires her drive and passionately encourages her to keep strong. I wonder if a Rob-Destiny romance is in the stars…

Other girls, however, are less than cosmic. Ivory, the fist-eater, and Jasmine, the psycho pusssy, both turn off the judges. Guess it’s back to the frat parties ladies…

Unlike those girls, Victoria is more reserved. She was homeschooled and is now taking online courses at Liberty College. Tyra thinks that she’s “mature” and Johnny agrees. The fans are not as impressed. A “racist” ogre by the name of Melissa thinks her face is bland but Victoria disagrees, calling it “expressive”.

When Victoria is not schooling people about her amazing look, she has a really fun personality. Despite being an “old soul”, she gets down better than most of the other students.

Scholar-hips

Johnny and Kelly are in love with Leila’s gap. They see “serious potential” and the fans agree, calling her “special” and “unique”.

But when their backs are turned, the other girls start dissing the two girls. Victoria tries to not let the other girls “get under her (multiethnic) skin”.

Maria is a religion major from Harvard. Tyra automatically bonds with her kin. After “coming out of the closet” about modeling, she is more confident than ever.

Kristin, the communications major, had some disagreements back in high school; getting suspended several times. And no, the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, she received the most likes on Facebook.

If you ever needed proof that everything’s bigger in Texas, just look at Yvonne! She hails from Austin and declares that she loves “long horns” (that’s what she said). Tyra is impressed with her gravity-defying tooch.

Kiara wants to be a “positive role model”. Despite being “abused” and running away at the age of sixteen, she received a basketball scholarship. But she assures the judges, modeling is her true passion.

The judges are really impressed by Darian’s “southern hospitality”. She reassures Rob that she will do “anything” to become America’s Next Top Model. All across the nation, Darian’s professors are having titillating memories of this same passion.

Financial AIDS

After all of these informing sessions, Tyra has decided which thirteen girls will move into the Top Model Sorority House. But first, she gives us a rundown of the new prizes.

The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000. 

Now, which thirteen girls are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model?

KRISTIN
NASTASIA
LAURA
ALLYSSA
DESTINY
KIARA
LEILA
DARIAN
MARIA
JESSIE
BRITTANY
YVONNE

And the final girl is...

VICTORIA

And there you have it! Next week, the girls will be walking in a fashion show. Apparently, Destiny (Hope Cyrus) sluts up the runway and Victoria is a drama queen. FUN!

Do you have any early faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 6: Bad Fauxmance

Previously on Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model, the girls were asked to open up and expose themselves to 200 schoolchildren (worst porn idea ever!) Then, they had to "man up" for an androgyny shoot. While Emma and Roxanne proved their bestosterone, Anne struggled to find the man inside of her (#smallpenis). But unfortunately, it was Tasmin who was cockblocked, making her the next girl to leave the competition. Now, only 10 girls remain, who will become Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model?

The girls are still reeling over the latest elimination. Even though Anne is crying over her survival, Madeleine is ecstatic because she thinks that her "competition" is starting to crumble and that she "might actually have a chance" to win this. In other news, there was a severe blizzard in the fifth Circle of Hell.

But who cares about the inferno's climate...we, have an E-Mail!

"You know how to walk the walk, but can you talk the talk? Love, Elle."

                                                                 Pardon My French

The girls are met by Whitney and Ludovic Leray, who tells them that they will be shooting an advert for a cell phone company.

Whitney translates into English and states that the girls will be talking on the phone with their lovers using a French script. But to keep it fair, French breed Madeleine will have to speak in Italian.

Whitney informs the girls that they only get three takes to get the perfect commercial.

Awkward Anne had trouble throughout the whole commercial. She keep fumbling the lines and looked very tense, as if she were Carly Rae Jepsen telling her boyfriend that she had a venereal disease.

                                                                   Call Me Scabie

Even though she originally struggled with the words, by the third take, Kellie did trés bien. Jennifer, Roxanne, and Lisa all failed to get the words right, replacing most of the French with curses (isn't that French what already is?). On the other hand, Letitia & Risikat did the commercial flawlessly.

Anita sounded like a malfunctioning answering machine and Emma slipped into Spanish during the shoot. Escanadalo! Despite Italian being a "beautiful" language, Madeleine had no elegance.

After the commercials, Whitney informs us that the winner will gain 5 extra minutes in the next photoshoot, but to do so, she must take away 5 minutes from someone else. And the winner is...

LETITIA! She immediately starts to feel bad about having to pick someone and the girls all tense up. They're just praying their name isn't called and for those few awkward seconds, it's like waiting for a death sentence.

                                                            The Hunger Dames

And District 8's tribute is...

ANNE. Letitia thinks that she can "take it" but then quickly starts to worry because of Anne's bottom two appearance last week.

But the dissapointment doesn't last for long because Whitney announces that the next photo shoot will take place in...PARIS!

                                                             The Joys of Life

After the girls are taken to Paris, they go to a hotel where once again, champagne is thrown at them. But before any alcohol can be consumed and sexualities questioned, out comes...JOY MCLAREN! (Strike the sexualities not being questioned thing)

For those of you who have been living under a rock or have an amnesia for good taste, Joy McLaren was the second runner-up of Britain's Next Top Model cycle 6. Still, she is fabulous. So fabulous in fact, that she is still booking major shows and print ads two years afterwards. And did I mention she's gorgeous?

She is also accompanied by some ogre of a woman (by comparison of course) but I'm much more interested in what Joy has to say.

"I am going to be dropping by your photoshoot tomorrow for moral support because I've been there before and I want to help."

OH! She's so humble! I wonder how glamorous it must be to wake up every morning being so...so joyful.

                                                               If I Were A Joy

But let's not get too "The Roommate" over here.

                                                                   Deja Two

The brand representative tells the girls that they will be shooting an advertisement for Impulse Body Spray. Apparently, giving hickies to a male model with a romantic Parisian backdrop is the perfect setting for the fragrance. Because nothing screams love like a perfume made out of sweat, semen, and the tears of pregnant teens.

                                                    The Smell of Suck-sess

The photographer, Lionel Duley, has shot everyone from Angelina Jolie to Katy Perry. Even though Anne has 5 minutes less than everyone else, he is still confident that she will rock it.

Even though Anne had a nice connection to the male model, she was struggling to look happy. She thought that losing her 5 minutes tore away at her "confidence" and wouldn't let her try "new poses".

Jennifer was initially afraid of being "soft and feminine." But after she loosened up and followed Joy's advice, she gained some momentum with the male model.

Lisa did a spectacular job with the romanticity and received critical acclaim from both the photographer and Joy.

Before the shoot, Anita was very excited to work with the male model. But after the photographer demanded a kiss, the male model refused. Maybe working with Anita has made him permanently flaccid.

                                                                Je Ne Sais Blah

Nevertheless, Anita still has a lot of shots to choose from.

Risikat had to be "glamorous" and the photographer was impressed by her "sex kitten" look. He gave her the "dirty eyes" to inspire her and she got "perfect shots".

Roxanne had trouble keeping herself controlled while still connecting with the male model. The photographer had "trouble" with her but ended up getting something usable.

Letitia had the hard task of being "classically elegant". She was nervous that having the extra time would put more pressure on her but in the end, she "didn't need" the extra 5 minutes.

After the initial struggle of having a stronger face, Madeleine loosened up and softened her face at the end of the shoot.

Despite being "tense and awkward" in the beggining, Kellie ended up being very "playful and flirty" by the end.

Emma was "fantastic" and had a great connection with the male model. In fact, Joy said that the girls were progressively getting more and more comfortable with the male model. I believe that, much like tuberculous, love is in the air. It's as if the romance of Paris is leeching onto the girls the longer they stay in this city.

                                                                         Parisites

At the end of the photoshoot, the girls are taken to a French restaurant where Anita gets a birthday E-Mail. 

                                                   The Twenty Year Old Virgin

Anita gets a special birthday treat. She is allowed to take four friends to a swanky French restaurant to celebrate her special day. She chooses Lisa, Kellie, Risikat, and Roxanne.

At the bistro, the girls toast Anita's impending Alzheimer's with some snails and frog legs. Yum?The rest of the girls had a slumber party (Living's lesbian-prodding is finally paying off!) Emma and Letitia were getting upset over Madeleine's attitude but she is unapologetic.

Risikat agrees, knowing that Madeleine is the "star of the show" and should stay true to herself.

Anita's crew takes one more boat ride around the city to sight see before they leave Paris and go to panel. They all silently contemplate their future lives as glamorous jet-setter models. 

                                                                         PANEL

Filling in the guest judge's seat this week is actress and singer-songwriter Mel B.



Kellie: Whitney finds both her photo and advert "impressive". Mel and Elle find her photo "dreamy" but Tyson disagrees, calling it too "simple".



Letitia: Mel B thinks that she's "drop dead gorgeous". Julian thinks that she's a "rising star" and Elle is in love with her advert.



Risikat: Tyson orgasms over her advert and photo, calling her "a sexy little flirt". Whitney thinks that she was "overselling" but still did a good job.



Anne: Her advert was pure gibberish and the photo didn't have any spark. Elle chastises Letitia for taking the extra 5 minutes from Anne. 



Roxanne: Whitney doesn't like the photo or the advert. Tyson, still hoping to gain access to her Cave of Wonders, calls Roxanne "flaw free". But Elle disagrees, calling it her "least favorite so far."



Lisa: Even though her advert was less than impressive, Lisa has a fantastic photo. Elle and Whitney are in love with the face and Tyson calls it "his favorite so far."



Anita: Mel B loves the "happiness" in this photo. Elle likes how she got a great photo and Julian loves her "transformation". Whitney is upset with the male model for not cooperating but Tyson is satisfied that she didn't "just hump his leg". (jealous?)


Jennifer: Elle doesn't like her advert but is in love with her photo. The judges are all gaga over her "convincing body language".


Emma: Both Whitney and the client agreed that Emma was the worst in the advert. Elle doesn't like the "family reunion" feel to the photo and Mel agrees, calling it "too safe."



Madeleine: Sadly, Madeleine was "not the client's favorite". But even though her advert c'est horrible, Whitney thinks this is her "prettiest picture so far".

"Now the judges and I will deliberate and discuss which one of you will be going home."

The judges think that Kellie and Letitia are both "passable". Elle loves Risikat's "balanced body" and "appeal". Whitney and Tyson like Anne's look in person but are not impressed by her body of work.

If Julian were to ever become a woman, he would want to look like Roxanne (is that a compliment?)Tyson likes the confidence in her photos. Mel thinks that Lisa is "delicious" in person. Anita is once again compared to a young Penelope Cruz.

Jennifer was Mel's "least favorite" but the judges are hopeful. Whitney doesn't think that Emma is "trying" in her photos. Elle links Madeleine to Naomi Campbell (she's more of the soup than the supermodel) and says that she has "tricky angles". So, who will be eliminated?

"Ten beautiful girls stand before me, but I only have nine photos in my hands. And these photos represent the girls who are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. The first girl I call gets picture of the week..."

                                                                          ANITA

                                                                            LISA
                                                                          LETITIA
                                                                          RISIKAT
                                                                           KELLIE
                                                                        JENNIFER
                                                                      MADELEINE
                                                                        ROXANNE

"Will Anne and Emma please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands and this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. And that girl is..."

                                                                           EMMA

Even though Letitia feels "extremely guilty", Anne is "okay with it". She is grateful for the experience and wishes to "grow" from it.

Next week, the girls are virginal mimes? I don't even know. Later, the girls get upset with Madeleine and Roxanne blows (up over) Julian. It looks positively terrifying. So until next time...

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!