ANTM c19 episode 2: Waxidermy

Welcome back to the pristine gates of the America’s Next Top Model Sorority house. For those of you who are still confused about the new system; Mama Tyra breaks it down: every week, the girls will be graded in their challenge, photo, and by the public. That’s right; STD infections and calorie intake aren’t the only numbers these models are going to be counting. During every panel, the girl with the lowest calculated score will be eliminated.

While the girls get accustomed to their new home, some tell us about their lives. Kiara is the “youngest of seven children” and had to be the “mother”. But still, that doesn’t stop her from screaming like a maniac when Tyra enters the house.

She welcomes the thirteen finalists into the home and introduces them to the Tyra Suite. She informs them that the girl who receives best picture will be granted access into this room; complete with a queen-sized bed and closet space. Forget the fact that Tyra probably sneaks into it during the late hours of the night to steal the beauty of the beholder, the girls are ecstatic about the news!

The Faux-tan of Youth

Later into the day, the girls are chatting about sex and boys when Victoria announces that she’s “a virgin”. The other girls, confused about the hymen who’s never said hi to a man, immediately label her ‘weird’. Nevertheless, she is unapologetic, saying that she can receive that “type of intimacy” from her mom. Oedipus must be rolling over in his grave…
Anyway, while they are discussing Victoria’s lack of a Victor, they suddenly hear a BOOM BOOM! Is it an earthquake? A hurricane? Tyra’s ego? Luckily, it’s just a step team. They pound the floor for a few more minutes and then announce that they’re the “famous Iota Phi Theta steppers”. Who would’ve thought that stomping your feet was a profession…

Afterwards, Rob Evans emerges from the crowd. He tells the girls to pack their bags for a trip to L.A.

The Hollywood Spills

Once they arrive in California, the girls are whisked away to a club, where they are met by Jonte’. You know the bitch is classy when he has a spare punctuation mark in his name…

Anyway, Rob tells them that he is an esteemed choreographer, dancer, and singer. But let’s be real, he is mostly known by the Catholic schoolchildren he terrifies. Seriously, it’s like he’s the reincarnation of what every Italian poet has nightmares about.

Jonte’s Inferno

When he’s not roaming the Sixth Circle of Hell, Jonte works with the likes of Beyoncé (that’s Circle #3). There, he has studied the runways and will help judge the girls’ first strut down the catwalk. 

Some girls, like Destiny and Jessie, have problems walking with confidence. Leila, on the other hand, effortlessly “engaged the audience”. Of course, others took that to mean “flash all of America”. Good call, Kristin!

Victoria displayed “personality” throughout her stroll and Yvonne showcased her ‘personal parts’ when she kicked up her leg. 

Maria has an insane amount of trouble on the runway. She finds it “difficult” to let her inhibitions go because she is a “lot more mature” than the other girls…

And she has no time to waste on sexual innuendos. She zips through the catwalk and hardly engages anyone. By the end, Victoria thinks she won because of her “ground breaking performance”, but the true pavement crusher is…

YVONNE! She is given a key to the Tyra Suite when a bearded mammoth trudges up to them. P’Trique, the fair-haired manatee from before, surprises them with a…

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow’s challenge will leave you hanging. So be sure to kill the shoot. Love, Tyra.”

When they returned to the house, Destiny started pouting about having one of the worst grades. Kiara suggests that the reason why is because she looked “like a stripper” on the runway. Destiny does not take this lightly because apparently, getting called an exotic dancer brings shame to this homeless runaway teen…

She Gives Good Head

Confused about the Tyra Mail all day, the girls are unaware of this photoshoot’s location. As the car drives by, they see an array of images, which they decipher as clues. Listening to their awful guesses is usually dull but when I saw this, I knew it was gonna be a heck of a shoot.

He’s More of a ‘Breast’ Man

Scared that they would be shooting something terrible (like a Nivea ad!), the girls were pleasantly surprised when they see Johnny Wujek surrounded by game trophies. He is accompanied by Shanae Grimes, the 90210 actress, who will be shooting the girls today. Because taking ‘artistic’ photos of shoes and a bald woman are enough credentials to get booked for America’s Next Top Model.

Nastasia impresses Johnny with her eyes. Even though he name means “resurrection of the dead”, he sees “life in her expression. Even though Yvonne found it “difficult”, she ended up getting good shots.

Brittany was “random but good” with her posing. Being a “small town girl,” Laura was used to the scene. She found it “easy” to pose as a dead animal.

Johnny liked Victoria’s “uniqueness” but was turned off by her mouth. He didn’t like that she was constantly talking through the shoot but I disagree. Even when she was urging the fans to vote, the words she expelled were just pure poetry. Just like the great speakers before her (Gandhi, Maya Angelo, Ke$ha), I suddenly feel the urge to permanently mark myself with her words of wisdom.

My New Penis Tattoo

Kristin had a bit of an “attitude” during the shoot but still looked amazing throughout. Shanae thought Jessie was “cute” but needed more “focus”. She wanted a “good photo” but considering our photographer’s past work, I question Jessie’s odds.

Darian was “striking” during the shoot and so was Kiara. Leila captured an “otherworldly” vibe in her photographs. Allyssa was good and Johnny liked that she had a “Brazilian flair (and wax)”.

Maria, on the other hand, failed to impress Johnny. He spotted the “goods” in her face but was disappointed that she “didn’t use it” to her advantage.

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail.

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

“Hello ladies. First, let’s talk about our new judges. First, we have the fabulous PR maven, Ms. Kelly Cutrone. Then, we have the sexy super male model, Rob Evans. And then we have Bryanboy, our social media correspondent.”

Ok, let’s pause and discuss this insect of a man real quick. He looks like a cross between a tarantula and a praying mantis whose face has been stepped on. Seriously, for someone who supposedly runs a “fashion blog”, he dresses like a blind Amish nun going to a funeral (most likely for her good taste).


Whack Widow

But I digress. Tyra explains that the girls will receive scores from the judges and that, coupled with the fan vote and the challenge scores, will determine who gets eliminated.

“Now we all know the prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Yvonne: Tyra thinks that it’s reminiscent of “a bull”. She receives straight 6’s but the fans disagree, thinking that she’s “fierce”.



Kiara: Rob likes the expression in the shoot and gives it an 8. Tyra and Kelly agree on 7’s but the fans are not as impressed, calling it the “worst picture of the bunch.”



Jessie: Kelly thinks that she looks like an “actress in a horror movie” and awards her a 4. Rob and Tyra are also uninspired by her look and give her a 4 and 5.



Laura: Tyra calls it “high fashion” and Kelly agrees, loving the “intense yet blank” look. They give her two 8’s and a 9. The fans agree, deeming it “mystical and dreamy.”



Maria: Rob thinks she’s “intense” but needs to learn her angles. She receives a 5 and two 6’s.



Leila: Rob “believes” the moment and Kelly thinks it “super high fashion”. A fan with a Popsicle calls it “head and shoulders above the rest” and prompts Tyra to pantomime what she does to Rob backstage. Ick…



Darian: Tyra thinks that she “oversmized” and gives her a 6. Kelly and Rob stick with 5’s.



Brittany: She receives a lukewarm response from the judges (9/7/6) but is called “arrogant” by the fans.



Kristin: Kelly calls it “animalistic” and gives her a 9. Tyra and Rob are on board, gifting her an 8 and 7.



Allyssa: Tyra likes the “dead intensity” and gives her a 9. Rob and Kelly are less hesitant, awarding her a 6 and 5.



Victoria: Rob thinks it’s “too intense” and gives her a 6. Kelly dawns her a 5 but Tyra is into it, deeming it an 8. The fans love her, calling her “confident”.



Nastasia: Kelly likes that she “stands out” and gave her a 7. Tyra and Rob are in sync with their 8’s.



Destiny: Both the fans and judges agree, Destiny doesn’t “scream model”. She received a 5 from Rob and twin 6’s from Kelly and Tyra.

“Now the judges and I will calculate your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Thirteen beautiful young ladies stand before me. But I only have twelve photos in my hands. And these twelve photos represent the twelve of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and thus, the best photo this week is…”

LEILA (40.4)

NASTASIA (36.6)
BRITTANY (36.3)
LAURA (36.0)
KRISTIN (34.7)
KIARA (34.3)
YVONNE (33.8)
ALLYSSA (32.1)
VICTORIA (31.2)
DARIAN (28.9)
MARIA (28.1)

“Will Destiny and Jessie please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 26.9 to 22.7, that girl is…”

DESTINY 

Even though she really wanted to be there, Jessie is “content” with her journey.

But first (shoutout to Julie Chen!), there’s a special Comeback Series. Bryanboy explains that the first six eliminees will be battling for a chance to return to the competition. Wow.

Next week, the girls may (or may not) get makeovers. In an attempt to cloak the show’s waning budget, she is allowing the girls to choose whether or not they want a makeover. Plus, there’s a heated discussion about the authenticity of Kiara’s bitchiness. You won’t want to miss it!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!