ANTM c20 episode 6 : "Looking Out For A Shero"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the competition was turned upside down during the models’ first spinning runway. Then, they got trashy for a trailer park photoshoot. While Jourdan turned trash to treasure, Mike and Jeremy were taken to the dumpster. With Mike gone, only twelve models are left. Who will be eliminated tonight?

After getting best picture, Jourdan has decided to bring Nina to the Tyra Suite with her. Because she’s been rubbing the girls the wrong way (and not rubbing the men in any way), Jourdan has conjured many a hater.

̶J̶e̶s̶u̶s̶ Phil has a girlfriend back home, but every day, he’s been forgetting more and more of Mary Magdalene. Instead, he seems to have found a new follower. Judging by the amount of boners he’s been instantly popping at the sight of Jiana, we can say that, by the third day

Jesus Has Risen

While the duo prays or something, Jourdan receives word that the models will be given phone time. Alex is elated because the worries of having a cancer-ridden mother have been weighing her down. But unfortunately for the models, Jourdan “controls the phone privileges”. The monarch continues her monotoned soliloquy to announce that she has first picks. 

She starts to ramble to her boyfriend, and after her ten-minute limit, her phone sex overflows. Renee, unimpressed with the monotone moans, calls time on Jourdan’s call. Enraged, Jourdan deadpans “I have the Tyra Suite so I can take as much time as I want.” Unable to argue with the rage of a toneless automaton, Renee retreats to her bedroom for the night.

Live From the Dread Carpet

The next day, the models are greeted in Hollywood by Bryanboy and Perez Hilton (the third troll had scheduling issues and couldn’t join in). “We started off as bloggers, and became big personalities”, they lie.

The duo challenges the models to be “fashion correspondents” in the streets of Hollywood. They will be fed demands and be forced to comply with their words.

Jeremy is the first to witness the gross whims of the twosome. Perez orders him to conduct the interview shirtless, with Bryanboy nodding in the background. Jeremy follows suit. “And now the pants,” Perez salivates. When the boy obeys, Bryanboy looks on in marvel. Satisfied to find a man of equal perviness, Bryanboy and Perez stare in glee at the scantily clad youth.

To Match A Predator

With their minds already made up, the duo barely notices the other models. Phil also manages to comply with all of their demands, but unfortunately for him, Perez is an atheist.

Jiana attempts to ask all of the questions she’s fed, but comes off as robotic and unconnected. Marvin snatches up a guy and they immediately hit it off. Instead of asking the “boxers or briefs” and “cut or uncut” desperately emanating from Perez, Marvin goes for the ultimate inquiry: chaps, yes or no? His lips thirst for a positive reception to chapstick.

After the challenge, the trolls decide to criticize Marvin and Jiana for not asking their “provocative” questions; and instead commends Phil and Jeremy. “I’m not gonna satisfy you, Perez”, Marvin sobs, clutching his shirt tightly.

Nevertheless, Perez allows his hormones to crown Jeremy the challenge winner. “So Jeremy, you will have a very romantic date,” Perez pants (this is one Lindsay Lohan and a couple of tweets from being his wet dream…

Bryanboy, upset that Perez is upstaging him in both romance and blog views (a close 32 to 31 viewership), decides to add in the extra twist: Jeremy must take a girl. Upon hearing that he’s being replaced by Jourdan, Perez sulks away; leaving a trail of cigarette butts and Gaga albums in his wake.

While the other models rejoice in a Jourdan-less house, Jeremy is ecstatic to have some time alone with her. Unfortunately, he’s been forever friend-zoned and their “romantic date” is the equivalent of two girls discussing shoes, accessories, and their monthly struggles.

Lady & The Cramp

Now that their relationship is spicing up (they now eat chili together!), Jourdan and Jeremy are ready for the next day’s work.

The Sixth Scent

The models are met by Johnny Wujek in the early morning hours. He instructs them to get ready to swap genders for a fragrance commercial. The models will work in pairs for Questionable Body Spray in a video that features a kiss.

In case the models don’t understand how to embody their new gender, Johnny introduces Jeremy Rowley; who is an apparent Freudian expert. He will be guiding their movement and wardrobe on set.

The models get ready to swap roles and between the wigs, heels, and tight dresses, the men had a tough time looking the part. Even Phil looked like a hot mess(iah). Nevertheless, the guys embraced the over-the-top look and developed characters. In fact, Chris was very reminiscent of a better-chromosomed Aguilera.

XXTina

During their shoot, Chris excelled while Nina had difficulties being the rough man. The problem resurfaced when Phil and Jiana took to the street. Jiana didn’t fully understand the “preppy” concept and failed to match Phil’s energy.

Jeremy and Jourdan are given the goth couple and told to display “no emotion”. Jourdan is ecstatic at playing herself. By the end of the shoot however, Jeremy won the Kristen Stewart Award for his lack of feelings.

Don and Kanani both felt the comedy in their high-school couple theme. Likewise, Cory captured the essence of his drag persona on set. Unfortunately, Alexandra failed to connect as convincingly.

Starvin’ Marvin practiced before the shoot with Renee. When they got to set, Marvin decided to go the extra mile in the kissing scene. It’s almost as if Marvin was a frat boy possessed by the Holy Ghost of Thirst.

Greeking In Tongues

After the shoot, the models return to a Skull Mail. Nervous about the impending elimination, Marvin is “praying to the Lord” that his scores can suffice. Phil immediately gets to work crunching the numbers.

Panel

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”



Nina: Tyra likes her “swag” and deems it a 9. The other judges find her unbelievable and settle on 6s.

Chris: Kelly likes that he never broke character, but isn’t convinced by his range, fostering a 7. Tyra graces him with a 10 and Rob gives an 8.



Kanani: Poppin’ seems to be the main consensus. For the first time, we have straight 10s from the judges.

Don: Rob says that he’s a beautiful woman and Tyra likes that he “went for it”. The triad gives out 9s.



Jeremy: Kelly and Rob feel that he’s not trying to connect, and dole out 7s. Tyra liked his cameltoe, so it’s an 8 from her.

Jourdan: Kelly states that this performance isn’t “goth” and hands out a 7. Tyra doesn’t appreciate her small town girl excuses and gives an 8. Rob (led by his penis) gifts Jourdan a 10.



Jiana: Tyra feels that she’s not trying and doles out a 6. The others feel more hopeful and award 8s.

Phil: Rob calls him a “touch of genius” and, with Tyra, gifts a 9. Kelly settles for an 8.



Cory: He “nailed it” as far as the ladies are concerned. The only break from 10s is Rob’s 8, which is a product of being “too feminine”/Rob’s insecurity.

Alexandra: Kelly likes it, and gives an 8. Rob and Tyra feel that there’s a lack of commitment, and dole out 6s.



Marvin: The cow tongues got him 8s from the ladies. Rob, the horrible kisser, docks him down to a 7 for upstaging him.

Renee: Tyra calls it “messy” and deems it a 6. The others prefer this type of comedy, and together grant Renee 8s.

“Thirteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 12 photos in my hands. And these twelve photos represent the twelve of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

CORY (45.7)

KANANI (45.6)
DON (42.6)
PHIL (42.4)
JOURDAN (41.2)
CHRIS (40.3)
JEREMY (39.5)
RENEE (37.4)
NINA (36.9)
MARVIN (35.7)

"Will Jiana and Alexandra please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 35.5 to 34.7, that model is..."

ALEXANDRA

Next week, the contestants will be modeling for Emmerson, which is apparently an hourglass company. It’s called fashion guys. So until next week…


The Hands of Time

ANTM c20 episode 5: "Trailer Parks and Recreation"

reviously on America’s Next Top Model, the guys and girls let chains and whips excite them during a Fifty Shades of Grey shoot with Alassandra Ambrosio. Afterwards, the models dyed and cried during their makeovers. While Mike peaked, it was Chlea who was dominated in the shoot; making her the first participant in the Comeback Series.

Mike is very happy because he’s moved “from the bottom to the top” (his tale has become inspiration for Grindr users throughout America). Even though he’s on a hot streak, Mike is nervous about being 27 in the modeling industry. As the elder of the competition, it seems like even the walls are mocking Mike’s age.

Mike and his 18-year-old son Jeremy raid the Guess closet. While the two bond over manly things like muscles and arthritis, Jourdan ponders her place in the competition.

She needs to become America’s Next Top Model because she doesn’t have Plan B. So in the meantime, she’s taking the ultimate form of contraception; living with her boyfriend’s parents.

During the middle of a conversation between Chris and Nina, Mike interrupts to explain the phone situation. He elaborates that everyone has five minutes when Chris asks a simple question. Mike tells him to “shut the fuck up” and prompts Chris to violently chase after him. According to Marvin, we are “experiencing some Mike and Chris action”. *Lady Gaga’s ‘I Like It Rough’ starts playing in the background*

Speaking of rough, Jourdan laments that her five minute marriage was full of abuse. During a house meeting where Chris explains his verbally abusive past, she understands and provides support for the man. With that off his chest, Chris and the other models begin to bond, like a “big dysfunctional family”.

Turning Tables

The next day, the models are met by Johnny Wujek, who warns them of their new challenge. Just like Johnny’s hat, the models are instructed to bring sex appeal to a fashion show.

In addition to the eccentric clothes, this catwalk is going to feature another difficult element: a spinning turntable. Johnny then introduces co-judge (and 40-year-old man trying to act 18): Marvin Scott Jarett. The Nylon correspondent wants to find “the coolest dude or chick with an awesome personality”. He promises to meet them after the show and “peaces out for now” (most likely to clean his dentures or get a hip replacement).

While the other models prepare for the show, Nina worries about her sprained ankle. She’s afraid that she might not be able to perform and disappoint Tyra who most likely “booked six shows in Paris when she was 18 with a broken foot.”

Nevertheless, Nina makes it through the runway alive. Renee and Chris both have strong walks, while Jiana tumbles around the catwalk. Phil, on the other hand, used his styling to his advantage. He was completely unfazed by the turntables and his walk? Well, his runway can be perfectly described by a quote from Scripture:

Christ Died For Our Spins

Mike had no variety in his posing and remained tense in the face. Jeremy also seemed confused; completely forgetting to model the clothes.

After the runway, Nylon Marvin returns to deliver the news. In addition to a guess spot on Nylon TV, the winner will get to keep their runway clothes. “How gnarly” Marvin tries (and fails) to connect. “So fellow kids, only one of you can win. The winner is…”

JOURDAN! Jourdan squeals in excitement over the endless supply of free granny panties. Back in the house, Mike and Jeremy are worried about having low challenge scores.

Treasure Trail(er)

The next day, Johnny Wujek meets the models in a trailer park. He is joined by photographer, The Cobra Snake, for a trailer park chic shoot. He insists that the models will choose their partner for the day.

Kanani, Don, and Jeremy begin the shoot as a threesome. After failing to impress the photographer, Johnny decides to spice it up with another co-star. He introduces the models to beauty queen “Sugar Pop Pop”; because TLC is stingy with their trademarks…Despite sounding like a diabetic’s wet dream, the young pageant girl actually poses like one of ANTM’s greatest contestants.

Toddlers & Kiaras

Anyway, Don and Kanani both pose effortlessly with the little girl. Jeremy, on the other hand, is having trouble with his small beady eyes (The Cobra Snake empathizes).

Alexandra is angry with Mike, because he’s weighing down her shoot. While she’s hitting all these different poses, Mike is freezing up and lacking versatility. Likewise, Jiana complains about Marvin’s “one-note” look during their shoot. Nevertheless, both couples manage some good photos.

Jourdan brings it and leaves Chris in her literal shadow. Johnny laments that he needs to work on his presence. Phil and Nina get really into the shoot and prove to be the photographer’s favorite pair.

After seeing the hair and outfits for Cory and Renee’s “trashy” shoot, I’ve reached a conclusion: the wardrobe staff of ANTM is full of blind people.

Braille-r Park

Still, the two are able to model through the styling, embodying the theme smoothly. After the shoot, the models return home and worry about the impending elimination.

Panel

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”



Nina: Her chemistry and overall adaptation to the shoot fares well. Kelly responds with a 9, Rob settles for an 8, and Tyra gifts Nina a 10.

Phil: Kelly and Rob think that Phil’s look is made for this type of shoot, giving 9s to back it up. Tyra agrees with her 8.



Marvin: Tyra and Kelly note that Marvin knows how to frame his “sculpted” body and award 9s. Rob is unimpressed with his face, calling it one-note and a 7.

Jiana: With a strong booty tooch but lack of neck, Jiana receives a 9, 8, and 7.



Cory: Cory has managed to bring the ruggedness that the shoot requires. Getting 8s from the ladies, Rob awards him the whole 9 yards.

Renee: Dead eyes, weak face: all the things that Renee is not. She receives 7s across the board.



Mike: His “interesting” pose isn’t strong enough to support his lackluster facial features. Tyra and Kelly hold out faith with their 8s, but Rob deserts him with a 6.

Alexandra: Rob and Tyra adore her face, but all three judges agree that her body angles need more attention. She receives two 8s and a 7.



Jourdan: The angles and poses in the body are elegant. She receives an 8, 9, and 10.

Chris: Agreeing that it’s his best shot, the judges do feel that he needs to cheat the camera in order to not be upstaged. He is given 8s by the ladies and a 9 by Rob.



Kanani: While she has an amazing close-up, her body photographs short. She sparks controversy, and is given a 6, 8, and 9.

Don: Kelly and Rob feel that his skinny look needs more work and grace him with 8s. Tyra disagrees, and bestows Don a 9.

Jeremy: With duck lips, squinty eyes, and a lack of lighting, Jeremy receives the ladies’ 7s and a 6 from Rob.

“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Thirteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 12 photos in my hands. And these twelve photos represent the twelve of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

JOURDAN (45.1)
NINA (42.5)
PHIL (41.5)
DON (40.7)
CHRIS (40.6)
MARVIN (40.1)
JIANA (40.0)
CORY (38.1)
KANANI (37.7)
ALEXANDRA (37.0)
RENEE (35.7)

"Will Jeremy and Mike please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the guy that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 33.2 to 33.1, that model is..."

JEREMY

Next week, the models reverse roles in a gender-swap commercial. So, until next week!

ANTM c20 episode 4: "Fifty Shades of Pray"

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the sixteen models walked in a gravity-defying Guess fashion show. After stealing the top stop, Renee joined the other models in their first photoshoot; wedding madness. While Marvin became a pridezilla, Chris S. and Bianca failed to catch the bouquet, becoming the first causalities. Now, only fourteen remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

After his victorious first-call-out, Marvin gloats in his Tyra Suite that the girls don’t “work it like him”. Accompanied by his roommate Don, the duo pick out outfits from the Guess closet. Afterwards, Don and ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶r̶s̶t̶y̶ ̶A̶f̶r̶i̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶ Marvin go on the prowl for ladies; much like hunters at a safari. Luckily, Marvin immediately spots some prey on his expedition:

His favorite kind! Preferring his women conscious, Phil decides to hang with Jiana. He thinks that the lack of privacy in the house and heightened sex drives are starting to take their toll.

Victoria’s Secretions

The next day, the models are met by Tyra and Rob. After many questions about their “relationship”(Friends? Dating? Sugar daddy and child?) Tyra decides to come clean.

“We’ve never kissed. We’ve never touched,” Tyra cries longingly; with tears of regret in her eyes. She, alongside Rob, will teach the models about chemistry. Tyra’s three tips on Chemistry (that would probably get her banned from any high school science class) are:

Fresh Breath (Sulfer is not attractive)
Tension (Like the seconds before a Large Hadron Collider explosion) 
Inhale (Yes, inhale the toxic fumes, children!)

After a lesson from the Harvard graduate, the models are told to put these tips to the test. They will be posing in a 50 Shades of Grey shoot with Alassandra Ambrosio, a famous Victoria’s Secret model. Like all of us, the models look on with envy at Alassandra; who truly embodies a never-aging protagonist of the erotic novel.

Fifty Shades of Dorian Grey

“But that’s only the tip (of the iceberg),” Tyra cockteases. In addition to Alassandra, the models will share the spotlight with Rob Evans. After meeting their photographer (Sarah Silver), the models are randomly paired up.

Chlea and Marvin pair up with Alassandra. Even though Marvin’s “angular” features impress Sarah, the photographer feels that he is overpowering Chlea in this shoot. On the flipside, Mike and Kanani manage to hold their own against the supermodel. Even though they were “playing it safe” initially, the duo uses their chemistry tips to get the photo.

Phil, Jeremy, and Alassandra re-enact what I can only imagine is considered foreplay in the Snoop Dogg household. Keeping with the animal instinct of the shoot, Alex pounces on Rob faster than a cat in heat.

Fifty Shades of Spay

Unfortunately, her enthusiasm with Rob left Don with a lack of energy on set. Conversely, Renee and Jourdan brought tons of vigor during their shoot with Rob, allowing them a variety of poses and body positions. Cory, threatened by the masculinity of the shoot, gave his best during his shoot with Rob. Fortunately, his attraction for elves made posing with Nina a breeze.

After the photoshoot concludes, the models receive a Tyra Mail:

“You’ll have to be a cut above, if you want any love.”

While all of the other models freak out at the prospect of makeovers, Marvin daydreams of home after hearing the word ‘cut’.

Dye-Hard

The models are met at the Christophe Salon by Tyra and Rob, who announce makeovers. Deciding to shy away from the obvious Allison Harvard look, Nina receives a blood-red dye job. While Chris H. embraces the icy Jack Frost look, Don also gets a new “fresh” color; looking like a Chris Brown double platinum by the end.

In addition to new cuts, the guys receive a lesson in manscaping. Chris receives all kinds of surprises While Cory is determined to painfully remove all the hair from his body, Chris is hesitant to shed his blonde fur until he’s found some wax that’s just right for him.

Goldilocks and the Three Nairs

While Marvin and Jeremy get minimal changes, Cory receives the most drastic makeover of all. Inspired by his “unique look”, Tyra decides to scalp him. Never one to fret from a challenge, Cory accepts his look and like a true bald eagle; rises above it all.

Kanani and Jiana both enjoy some cuts, sporting a pixie and long bob respectively. While getting her extensions, Chlea and Kelly decide to make up, casting aside their differences in the spirit of turning a new leaf.

Saving the best for last, the stylists get to work on Phil. Working with his features; Tyra decides that he’s best suited for the Messiah chic look.

After a strenuous couple of hours with the weave; the heavens part, angels sing rejoices of Hallelujah, and atheists weep at his feet; their faith in God rePhiled. With his transformation complete, Phil’s holy poses range from a deity to that scene from Titanic.

Saint Me Like One of Your French Girls

With all of the makeovers (and religious conversions) done, the models return to the House where they are greeted by a Skull Mail.

“We have 14 models, but there is only room for Jesus and 12 disciples.” With the elimination looming, the models eat their Last Supper.

Panel

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”



Jourdan: Tyra feels that she's missing intensity and with Kelly, gives her an 8. The fans are "disappointed" but Rob disagrees, deeming her photo a 9.

Renee: Rob sticks up for her performance on set with his 9. Tyra and Kelly, however, are unimpressed with the final product, and award her 7s.



Chlea: Kelly thinks that she has a "beautiful body" but disconnects in the photo. She's given a triad of 6s.

Marvin: Rob comments that the duo look like they've photobombed Alassandra and with Kelly, deems it a 6. Tyra, however, appreciates the booch, and gifts it a 9.



Jiana: Kelly gives her a 7 for not taking control of the situation. Tyra disagrees, enthralled by the symmetry of her face and grants her a 9 alongside Rob.

Chris: Kelly calls him Lurch and deems it a 7. Rob feels like there is a lack of chemistry and gives a 6. Tyra gifts him an 8.



Phil: Kelly feels like it's not "submissive" enough and gives it a 5. Tyra and Rob pays respect to their Saviour with a 7 and 6.

Jeremy: All three judges wanted a stronger primal pose and agree on 6s.



Don: Kelly feels like he looks more like a mugger than lover and deems it a 5 alongside Tyra. Rob chimes in with a 6.

Alexandra: With her dead eyes in debate, the judges are scattered in their scores, with a 6, 8, and 7.



Mike: Tyra loves how he's not overshadowed by Alassandra and grants him a 10. Rob and Kelly are given hope in his potential, giving out an 8 and 9.

Kanani: Seductive but short seems to be the mutual concensus. While Tyra opted for a 7, the others granted Kanani 8s.



Nina: Kelly and Tyra love the quirky sexiness she exudes, and dole out some 8s. Rob opts for a 6.

Cory: Kelly calls his hair "dated" and grants him a 7. Rob and Tyra scatter with their scores of 6 and 8.

“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Sixteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 13 photos in my hands. And these fourteen photos represent the fourteen of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

MIKE (34.5) 
JIANA (33.8)
JOURDAN (32.8)
NINA (30.6) 
CHRIS (29.8) 
CORY (28.8) 
ALEXANDRA (28.8) 
KANANI (28.8) 
RENEE (28.7) 
MARVIN (27.8) 
PHIL (24.7) 
JEREMY (24.6) 

"Will Chlea and Don please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the model that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 22.6 to 22.2, that model is..."

DONNext week, tempers flare in the Top Model House. And in a runway show with a revolving platform, the tables are turned. So, until next time...
Turn Around Bright Smize

ANTM c20 episode 3: "Marry On My Wayward Son"

With the twentieth cycle in full gear, Tyra and Co. have skillfully compiled a list of sixteen men and women who will fight for the title of America’s Next Top Model. She displays the finalists and gives us images that are just plain

̶P̶h̶i̶l̶ Phallic

Picking up from last time, Tyra announces that the models will be walking in a Guess runway show. They will be hoisted on this vertical catwalk with suspenders and walk for the CEO of Guess and Jessica Hart, one of Guess’ most famous clientele.

Rob tempts them with the key to the Tyra Suite. In addition to a secluded bedroom for the week, the winner of this challenge will also get to raid the Guess closet and keep an outfit.

Even amongst the models who claim fear of heights, Don was the most shaken. He has some repressed memories of assault and being in a situation with a lack of control reverts him to this post-traumatic stress disorder.

Within the first few moments of the show, lightning strikes and rain starts to pour down. Apparently, Zeus prefers Hollister. Nevertheless, the models pounce down the catwalk and make good use of this precipitation.

It’s Raining Men

The women are not as elegant on the runway. Nina overcomes her initial slip on the catwalk and gets to the end unscathed. Chris H. was so overcome with fear that he ended up looking like a zombie on the runway. Still, Chris’ catwalking dead look was met with praise by Rob and Jessica.

With Chlea, the howling banshee, next to him, Don managed not to pummel on the runway. In fact, Don joins Renee, Cory, Marvin, as the standouts of this challenge (and by standouts, I mean the few who were actually able to stand…)

At the conclusion, Jessica and Rob congratulate the models for surviving the catwalk. Rob chastises Bianca and Mike for being stiff in their walks and reveals their scores of 5. On the flipside, he lauds Marvin for having strength in his walk, but Jessica felt that the model with the most elegance in their walk is…

RENEE! She picks Kanani to share in her Suite spoils. While the girls splurge in the Guess closet, Marvin decides to flirt with some of the girls. To help with his thirst, I have decided to develop an ANTM drinking game just for Marv:

♦ Take a shot everytime Marvin flirts. Bonus shot for every ‘ewww’
♦ Take a shot for every “I was married at 18 and divorced at 18.”

Now that our blood-alcohol levels are skyrocketing, Marvin proudly announces that he doesn’t want to waste his expiring condom. In this economy, I can’t really blame him…

Like Superman or a Rachael Ray home dinner, Marvin boasts that he “finishes in five minutes.” That’s right; this sweater-wearing kid from the Bronx is a) faster than a speeding bullet and b) responsible for massive kidney failure.

Gin & Tunic

The models gather round with beer mugs in hand to read their first…

TYRA MALE “To make it on top is a lifelong commitment. Luv Tyra.”

Wanted: Wed or Alive

Tyra joins Johnny Wujek, my groom-to-be, to announce that the models will be portraying different types of marriage. Shockingly, ‘green card’ and ‘72-day’ are not included in this list. Nevertheless, he broadcasts our honeymoon plans to the models via his hat.

While we have romps in Rome, the models begin drafting their pre-nups. Due to ̶b̶u̶d̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶c̶u̶t̶s̶ her excitement for this shoot, Tyra will be helping in the hair and make-up department. In addition, she announces that the models will have Flixels each week; images with moving components.

Trigger Warning: Recovering alcoholics do not read beyond this point.

Jeremy and Jourdan pose for a nudist wedding. Jeremy is nervous because his virgin eyes aren’t ready for this shoot. However, it is Jourdan who is truly concerned; having been “married at 18 and divorced at 18”. She feels that this shoot is bringing back some repressed memories of her failed union, and Johnny complains that it shows on film.

Backstage, Starvin’ Marvin goes on the hunt. He flirts with Bianca, prepping for their Big Love shoot. When Mike tells him to back off, he goes lurking for other girls to “practice his poses” with.

Despite initially having difficulty with the chemistry on set, Cory manages to fake affection for Chlea during the shoot. Taking a role from many a Catholic, Cory suppresses his homosexuality and falsely commits to the loveless marriage.

Lying the Knot

Chris S. however, has a harder time straight-acting. His biracial hip-hop wedding with Renee proves difficult, as he cannot convey the hardness required for this shoot. Renee struggles with the opposite, being too “tough” for the innocent role.

Phil gets to portray objectophilia in a solo shoot (I swear these puns just write themselves!) Phil gets into character and makes sweet love to the remote; comparing its gentle caress to a real woman (except the remote has a mute button…) 

Alexandra and Mike conduct a shotgun wedding. While Mike is chastised for being stiff and uninterested, Alexandra hits various poses despite her limited setting. Kanani and Jiana are applauded for dedication during their same-sex shoot. In the polygamous marriage photos, Marvin was the star; with the ladies being mere XXcessories.

Despite being a little hesitant in the beginning, Chris H. and Don embrace the idea of portraying a same-sex marriage. With the cockblocking elder Cory in the background, Chris H. & Don have everything they need for a great wedding. Something old, something new, something borrowed…

Something Blue Balls

After the photoshoot is completed, the models receive a…

SKULL MAIL. “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. NO ONE is safe.”

With the ever-foreboding elimination on his mind, Mike decides to let loose and drink. A lot. With Marvin on the prowl and Jourdan chirping “married at 18 divorced at 18” every hour like a broken clock, we might be joining him.

Panel


"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”




Alex: Tyra calls it a "high fashion twist" on pregnancy and gives it an 8. Kelly and Rob agree, and hand out 7's.

Mike: Rob fails to see the connection between Mike and anything in the shoot, giving him a 6. Like the fans, Kelly feels like Mike is a prop, and alongside Tyra, gives him a 7.



Chris S: Kelly calls him a lesbian in this shoot, largely underestimating Ellen DeGeneres' fashion appeal. She gives it a 6 alongside Tyra, while Rob deems it a 5.

Renee: Tyra doesn't approve of the hoochie tooching and hands her a 6. Kelly gives a lowly 5 while Rob sees some potential in it, granting her a 7.



Kanani: Kelly feels a disconnection between her and the rest of the ensemble, giving her a 5. Rob and Tyra disagree, deeming her a 7.

Jiana: Rob loves the cheekbones and awards a 9. Tyra calls her "editorial" and gives an 8. Kelly thinks that she's sexy and allows her to have a 7.



Cory: Tyra likes the smize and gifts him an 8. Kelly and Rob thinks that he's not masculine enough and dole out a 7 and 6.

Chlea: Tyra and Rob give a 7 and 8 but Kelly feels that Chlea's rudeness and busted picture deserve a 4.



Phil: The judges don't find a romance in the shoot and give a 5, 6, and 7.




Chris H: Tyra loves the vulnerability and Rob agrees; he receives an 8, 9, and 10.

Don: Kelly loves the pride emanating from Don, and awards him an 8. The other two dole out 9's.



Jeremy: Kelly likes the innocence and awards him an 8. Tyra is unimpressed with how unused his body is and Rob agrees, giving him a 5 and 6.

Jourdan: The fans love it more than judges, who give her a 7, 5, and 6 across the board.



Nina: Kelly is not impressed with her elf look, giving her a 5. Tyra and Rob feel like she has potential, and grant her a 7 and 6.

Bianca: She's good in person but fails to relate in photos. She receives a 6, 5, and 7.

Marvin: He's the center of attention and owns the entire shot. He is met with Rob's 10 and 9's from the others.

“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Sixteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 14 photos in my hands. And these fourteen photos represent the fourteen of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

MARVIN (42.1)

DON (39.1)
CHRIS H. (39.1)
JIANA (37.5)
ALEXANDRA (36.7)
CORY (35.6)
JEREMY (33.6)
RENEE (32.6)
NINA (32.2)
JOURDAN (31.9)
KANANI (31.9)
CHLEA (31.6)
PHIL (30.9)

"Will Chris S., Mike, and Bianca please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the model that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 30.4 to 29.4 to 29.2, that model is..."

MIKE

Both Bianca and Chris S. are grateful for the experience and hope to continue modelling.

Next week, the models will pose with Karolina Kurkova and receive makeovers! It's sure to be a good one so until next time!