̶P̶h̶i̶l̶ Phallic
Picking up from last time, Tyra announces that the models will be walking in a Guess runway show. They will be hoisted on this vertical catwalk with suspenders and walk for the CEO of Guess and Jessica Hart, one of Guess’ most famous clientele.
Rob tempts them with the key to the Tyra Suite. In addition to a secluded bedroom for the week, the winner of this challenge will also get to raid the Guess closet and keep an outfit.
Even amongst the models who claim fear of heights, Don was the most shaken. He has some repressed memories of assault and being in a situation with a lack of control reverts him to this post-traumatic stress disorder.
Within the first few moments of the show, lightning strikes and rain starts to pour down. Apparently, Zeus prefers Hollister. Nevertheless, the models pounce down the catwalk and make good use of this precipitation.
It’s Raining Men
With Chlea, the howling banshee, next to him, Don managed not to pummel on the runway. In fact, Don joins Renee, Cory, Marvin, as the standouts of this challenge (and by standouts, I mean the few who were actually able to stand…)
At the conclusion, Jessica and Rob congratulate the models for surviving the catwalk. Rob chastises Bianca and Mike for being stiff in their walks and reveals their scores of 5. On the flipside, he lauds Marvin for having strength in his walk, but Jessica felt that the model with the most elegance in their walk is…
RENEE! She picks Kanani to share in her Suite spoils. While the girls splurge in the Guess closet, Marvin decides to flirt with some of the girls. To help with his thirst, I have decided to develop an ANTM drinking game just for Marv:
♦ Take a shot everytime Marvin flirts. Bonus shot for every ‘ewww’
♦ Take a shot for every “I was married at 18 and divorced at 18.”
Now that our blood-alcohol levels are skyrocketing, Marvin proudly announces that he doesn’t want to waste his expiring condom. In this economy, I can’t really blame him…
Like Superman or a Rachael Ray home dinner, Marvin boasts that he “finishes in five minutes.” That’s right; this sweater-wearing kid from the Bronx is a) faster than a speeding bullet and b) responsible for massive kidney failure.
Gin & Tunic
The models gather round with beer mugs in hand to read their first…
TYRA MALE “To make it on top is a lifelong commitment. Luv Tyra.”
Wanted: Wed or Alive
Wanted: Wed or Alive
Tyra joins Johnny Wujek, my groom-to-be, to announce that the models will be portraying different types of marriage. Shockingly, ‘green card’ and ‘72-day’ are not included in this list. Nevertheless, he broadcasts our honeymoon plans to the models via his hat.
While we have romps in Rome, the models begin drafting their pre-nups. Due to ̶b̶u̶d̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶c̶u̶t̶s̶ her excitement for this shoot, Tyra will be helping in the hair and make-up department. In addition, she announces that the models will have Flixels each week; images with moving components.
Trigger Warning: Recovering alcoholics do not read beyond this point.
Jeremy and Jourdan pose for a nudist wedding. Jeremy is nervous because his virgin eyes aren’t ready for this shoot. However, it is Jourdan who is truly concerned; having been “married at 18 and divorced at 18”. She feels that this shoot is bringing back some repressed memories of her failed union, and Johnny complains that it shows on film.
Backstage, Starvin’ Marvin goes on the hunt. He flirts with Bianca, prepping for their Big Love shoot. When Mike tells him to back off, he goes lurking for other girls to “practice his poses” with.
Despite initially having difficulty with the chemistry on set, Cory manages to fake affection for Chlea during the shoot. Taking a role from many a Catholic, Cory suppresses his homosexuality and falsely commits to the loveless marriage.
Lying the Knot
Chris S. however, has a harder time straight-acting. His biracial hip-hop wedding with Renee proves difficult, as he cannot convey the hardness required for this shoot. Renee struggles with the opposite, being too “tough” for the innocent role.
Phil gets to portray objectophilia in a solo shoot (I swear these puns just write themselves!) Phil gets into character and makes sweet love to the remote; comparing its gentle caress to a real woman (except the remote has a mute button…)
Alexandra and Mike conduct a shotgun wedding. While Mike is chastised for being stiff and uninterested, Alexandra hits various poses despite her limited setting. Kanani and Jiana are applauded for dedication during their same-sex shoot. In the polygamous marriage photos, Marvin was the star; with the ladies being mere XXcessories.
Despite being a little hesitant in the beginning, Chris H. and Don embrace the idea of portraying a same-sex marriage. With the cockblocking elder Cory in the background, Chris H. & Don have everything they need for a great wedding. Something old, something new, something borrowed…
Something Blue Balls
After the photoshoot is completed, the models receive a…
SKULL MAIL. “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. NO ONE is safe.”
With the ever-foreboding elimination on his mind, Mike decides to let loose and drink. A lot. With Marvin on the prowl and Jourdan chirping “married at 18 divorced at 18” every hour like a broken clock, we might be joining him.
Panel
"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”
Alex: Tyra calls it a "high fashion twist" on pregnancy and gives it an 8. Kelly and Rob agree, and hand out 7's.
Mike: Rob fails to see the connection between Mike and anything in the shoot, giving him a 6. Like the fans, Kelly feels like Mike is a prop, and alongside Tyra, gives him a 7.
Chris S: Kelly calls him a lesbian in this shoot, largely underestimating Ellen DeGeneres' fashion appeal. She gives it a 6 alongside Tyra, while Rob deems it a 5.
Renee: Tyra doesn't approve of the hoochie tooching and hands her a 6. Kelly gives a lowly 5 while Rob sees some potential in it, granting her a 7.
Kanani: Kelly feels a disconnection between her and the rest of the ensemble, giving her a 5. Rob and Tyra disagree, deeming her a 7.
Jiana: Rob loves the cheekbones and awards a 9. Tyra calls her "editorial" and gives an 8. Kelly thinks that she's sexy and allows her to have a 7.
Cory: Tyra likes the smize and gifts him an 8. Kelly and Rob thinks that he's not masculine enough and dole out a 7 and 6.
Chlea: Tyra and Rob give a 7 and 8 but Kelly feels that Chlea's rudeness and busted picture deserve a 4.
Phil: The judges don't find a romance in the shoot and give a 5, 6, and 7.
Chris H: Tyra loves the vulnerability and Rob agrees; he receives an 8, 9, and 10.
Don: Kelly loves the pride emanating from Don, and awards him an 8. The other two dole out 9's.
Jeremy: Kelly likes the innocence and awards him an 8. Tyra is unimpressed with how unused his body is and Rob agrees, giving him a 5 and 6.
Jourdan: The fans love it more than judges, who give her a 7, 5, and 6 across the board.
Nina: Kelly is not impressed with her elf look, giving her a 5. Tyra and Rob feel like she has potential, and grant her a 7 and 6.
Bianca: She's good in person but fails to relate in photos. She receives a 6, 5, and 7.
Marvin: He's the center of attention and owns the entire shot. He is met with Rob's 10 and 9's from the others.
“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”
“Sixteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 14 photos in my hands. And these fourteen photos represent the fourteen of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”
MARVIN (42.1)
DON (39.1)
CHRIS H. (39.1)
JIANA (37.5)
ALEXANDRA (36.7)
CORY (35.6)
JEREMY (33.6)
RENEE (32.6)
NINA (32.2)
JOURDAN (31.9)
KANANI (31.9)
CHLEA (31.6)
PHIL (30.9)
"Will Chris S., Mike, and Bianca please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the model that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 30.4 to 29.4 to 29.2, that model is..."
MIKE
Both Bianca and Chris S. are grateful for the experience and hope to continue modelling.
Next week, the models will pose with Karolina Kurkova and receive makeovers! It's sure to be a good one so until next time!
"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
“You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, be offered a contract with Next Models, and receive a $100,000 campaign with Guess.”
Alex: Tyra calls it a "high fashion twist" on pregnancy and gives it an 8. Kelly and Rob agree, and hand out 7's.
Mike: Rob fails to see the connection between Mike and anything in the shoot, giving him a 6. Like the fans, Kelly feels like Mike is a prop, and alongside Tyra, gives him a 7.
Chris S: Kelly calls him a lesbian in this shoot, largely underestimating Ellen DeGeneres' fashion appeal. She gives it a 6 alongside Tyra, while Rob deems it a 5.
Renee: Tyra doesn't approve of the hoochie tooching and hands her a 6. Kelly gives a lowly 5 while Rob sees some potential in it, granting her a 7.
Kanani: Kelly feels a disconnection between her and the rest of the ensemble, giving her a 5. Rob and Tyra disagree, deeming her a 7.
Jiana: Rob loves the cheekbones and awards a 9. Tyra calls her "editorial" and gives an 8. Kelly thinks that she's sexy and allows her to have a 7.
Cory: Tyra likes the smize and gifts him an 8. Kelly and Rob thinks that he's not masculine enough and dole out a 7 and 6.
Chlea: Tyra and Rob give a 7 and 8 but Kelly feels that Chlea's rudeness and busted picture deserve a 4.
Phil: The judges don't find a romance in the shoot and give a 5, 6, and 7.
Chris H: Tyra loves the vulnerability and Rob agrees; he receives an 8, 9, and 10.
Don: Kelly loves the pride emanating from Don, and awards him an 8. The other two dole out 9's.
Jeremy: Kelly likes the innocence and awards him an 8. Tyra is unimpressed with how unused his body is and Rob agrees, giving him a 5 and 6.
Jourdan: The fans love it more than judges, who give her a 7, 5, and 6 across the board.
Nina: Kelly is not impressed with her elf look, giving her a 5. Tyra and Rob feel like she has potential, and grant her a 7 and 6.
Bianca: She's good in person but fails to relate in photos. She receives a 6, 5, and 7.
Marvin: He's the center of attention and owns the entire shot. He is met with Rob's 10 and 9's from the others.
“Now the judges and I will add your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”
“Sixteen beautiful models stand before me. But I only have 14 photos in my hands. And these fourteen photos represent the fourteen of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The model with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”
MARVIN (42.1)
DON (39.1)
CHRIS H. (39.1)
JIANA (37.5)
ALEXANDRA (36.7)
CORY (35.6)
JEREMY (33.6)
RENEE (32.6)
NINA (32.2)
JOURDAN (31.9)
KANANI (31.9)
CHLEA (31.6)
PHIL (30.9)
"Will Chris S., Mike, and Bianca please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the model that is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. With a score of 30.4 to 29.4 to 29.2, that model is..."
MIKE
Both Bianca and Chris S. are grateful for the experience and hope to continue modelling.
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