ANTM c19 episode 4: The Taste of Flesh

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls received makeovers, which Maria and Victoria promptly reject. With their newly watered weaves and prodded scalps, the girls took on a naked shoot with Tyra’s boy toy, Rob Evans. While Victoria and Brittany thrived sans clothes, Yvonne found herself in the bottom(Rob prefers the top). But sadly, it was Darian who was rejected from the nudist colony. Now, only 10 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Let’s just pause and discuss this opening. I was hoping that after Maria quit, we would be cleansed of this godforsaken epileptic nightmare. But since it’s here for the long haul, we might as well talk about the trashiness. First of all, it’s cheap. Like ‘a prostitute from Reno’ cheap.

Second, it’s terribly edited. I get a chill every time I see it, most likely from the ghosts of the hookers that wore those secondhand outfits passing though me. But worst of all, Tyra Janks. Why is half of the opening dedicated to her burning lions? We get it. You’re a pre-menopausal woman; stop molesting your employees (leave that for your Harvard professors.) 

Plus, what the hell does it say on her shirt: you be the jugs? Is this an open invitation to lay upon a supermodel’s chest and violently rub up against Rob Evans?

Breast of Both Worlds

Well anyway, whenever she’s not smothering Rob under the weight of her colossal bosom, Tyra is awarding keys to the Suite. Because she received best picture last week, Victoria gets the honor of living in her room of isolation. Allyssa thinks she needs to “cut the umbilical cord” and Kiara doesn’t like her “presidential” attitude. But Victoria is left unfazed by the opinions of peasants.

On the other side of the house, Yvonne is very “grateful” for her fans’ dedication to her. Kristin also appreciates her social media scores, thinking that the judges “aren’t being fair” with her. Kiara thinks that the pressure is getting to Kristin and soon, she’ll “crack”.

After Kristin goes into Destiny’s purse without permission, she gets screamed at. However, Kristin does not have a necessary amount of fucks to give. So instead, she takes the aggressive route in an attempt to get punched. Thus, in the same vein as a certain pop star, she begs to get “hit”, sending small pellets of chewed-up cud onto the faces of onlookers.

Spit Me Baby One More Time

But Destiny doesn’t fall for the goading. She expresses that she’s “sensitive” and wants to promote peace in the house.

Madea Goes To Yale

The girls are met by Tyra in the streets of California. She reminds them that models are “storytellers” and introduces them to their first acting challenge. She has gotten the “best” to come work with them today and tells Tyler Perry to “come out”.

At first, I thought that he was an All-American heterosexual, but then he appeared. With that sassy hat and his cross-dressing tendencies, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ‘enjoys the company of men’.

The Family That Gays

But still. He directs them to four characters that they will have to portray: Tourist, Street Performer, Rapper, andHollywood Diva (Himself). The winner of this challenge will win $10,000 for her scholarship fund in addition to a walk-on role in one of his productions.

Some girls, like Destiny and Leila, proved to be “too tense” to be actresses. Victoria, on the other hand, got the crowd rowdy. Her role as a British diva startled the audience and they refused to participate with her. In a sudden devotion to vegetarianism, one of the onlookers threw fried chicken at her but nevertheless, she recovered.

Kiara thinks that she could be in a “Tyler Perry production” and Kristin raps her way to success. Laura impressed with her free spirited street performance and Yvonne…well, she looked like Lil Kim (well, Lil Kim after she ate Nicki Minaj). Still, she committed throughout the whole scene and even her “Will Rap for Food” (not surprised) was on point.

In the end, the winner is…KIARA!

Back in the house, Yvonne gets on the telephone to get “words of encouragement” from her boyfriend, Brandon. She tries to “stand out” doesn’t want to be “famous” for her butt, unlike other people…

Kim Kardassian

After a quick (de)briefing with her man, Yvonne is ready for the next photoshoot.

The Catwalking Dead

The girls arrive at the War of the Worlds set where Johnny is accompanied by Bryanboy. The juxtaposition only enhances Johnny’s cuteness (even though anyone would look better in comparison to a severely bruised platypus). But anyway, Johnny tells them that they will be posing as “apothalypthic thombies”. His terrible diction just makes me want to…

Jump His Bones

Before the shoot, Victoria was nervous about the prosthetics but worked them in the photo. Johnny was worried that she needs “diversity”. Nastasia had good styling but needs to learn to “elongate” in photos.

Laura was a “champ” and went “full force” into the shoot. Allyssa was “hungry for flesh” and Johnny was upset that she wouldn’t “spice it up”. He kept telling her to “eat him” but she looked like she’d “sleep with him” instead. #I’ddoboth

Yvonne, on the other hand, was just plain hungry. Johnny liked the face but didn’t think she was “working her body” enough. Kiara struggled at first but got a good shot by the end.

Destiny tried to bring it but by the end, just looked “dead”. Kristin had difficulty “delivering” and wouldn’t “follow direction”. Brittany, on the other hand, effortlessly “worked her bad side”.

After the shoot, the girls receive a SKULL MAIL! “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

Leila: Tyra thought that she had “stunning eyes” and, with Rob, gave her a 9. Kelly and the fans agree, it’s a 7.



Kiara: Rob thought it was “uninteresting” and the triad of judges gave her a 6.

Brittany: Tyra (who gave her a 9 with Kelly) thought she was a “psycho housewive” but didn’t like that there were no “open sores on her face”. Rob, who unlike Tyra, prefers his models herpes-free, gave her an 8.

Victoria: Kelly thought it was “too angelic” and the trio gifted her 6’s.



Destiny: Rob thought that she “didn’t work it” but gave her a 6. The two women were unimpressed by her pose, deeming it a 5.

Laura: Tyra believes that it’s “stunning” but is a “no neck monster”. Nevertheless, Laura receives a threesome of 9’s.

Kristin: Kelly thinks that she doesn’t “take risks” and gives her a 4. While Rob agrees with her, him and Tyra are a little nicer with their 6 and 7.

Allyssa: The judges are in a consensus: she’s “too pretty”. She receives two 7’s and an 8 from Tyra.

Nastasia: Kelly and Rob are unimpressed with her “alluded shortness” and give her a 6 and 7. Tyra, however, thinks it’s “subtle but strong” and graces her with a 9.

Yvonne: Kelly thinks that she’s a “World War I stripper” and along with Rob, grants her a 6. Tyra is less than impressed with the “awkwardness” and gives her a 5.

“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”

"Ten beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have nine photos in my hands. And these nine photos represent the ten girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and picture is..."

LAURA (42.5)

LEILA (37.3)
BRITTANY (37.3)
ALLYSSA (35.3)
KIARA (32.7)
NASTASIA (32.4)
VICTORIA (31.2)
KRISTIN (30.9)

“Will Yvonne and Destiny please step forward? With a score of 29.5 to 27, the girl still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model is…”

YVONNE

Destiny is still hopeful that she can return with the Comeback Series.

Next week , the girls will meet Alicia Keys. After a fashion show, Laura cries and Yvonne displays her blurry vagina during a cheerleading shoot. Don’t miss it!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week…

Give Me A V!

ANTM c19 episode 3: Hair To the Throne

Previously on America's Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to a runway show for the sexually deprived students of California. After exposing some leg, Yvonne aroused the crowd's Hollywood; making her the first Tyra Suite tenant. During a taxidermy photoshoot, Leila and Nastasia were the catch of the day. Even though Destiny failed to impress, it was Jessie who was the last place game trophy. Now, on 12 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Leila is on "Cloud Nine" after seeing her picture displayed in the house. In addition to being mounted for the adoring public, Leila is also given a key to the Tyra Suite for her first-call-out. She immediately chooses Laura to share the room, prompting most of the cameramen to follow her and Laura to their new-found love shack. Darian looks on with envy as the two skip to the Suite and sadly comments that she doesn't "see a model" in Leila. To prove her posing chops, Darian gleefully croaks that she has worked in New Orleans Fashion Week (most likely as a custodian.)

Tyra Mail! "Who's gonna make the cut? Fierce and love, Tyra."

As the girls squeal and squirm over the possibility of getting their tracks replenished and dry weaves watered, Victoria starts to worry about receiving a pixie cut that wouldn't "match her personality".

With all of the makeover talk and Leilaura huddled together in the Tyra Suite, I can already tell this episode is going to be very scissor-friendly.

Cut The Hetero-

Maria on the other hand, refusing to let anything get cut. She plans to say 'no' to a shorter hairdo and is unwilling to compromise.

Avatar: The Last Hairbender

The girls are met at the Christophe Salon by Johnny, Kelly, and Christopher himself. The triad informs the girls that they will be given a choice if they wish to be made-over. One by one, the girls trade in a 'yes' for an envelope with her makeover until- lo and behold- the only two without are Victoria and Maria.

While the others are getting their hair primped, Tyra meets with the two. Victoria immediately regrets her decision to "keep her heritage alive" through her hair but Maria is steadfast. And then, because Tyra can't afford to go to jail for assault and battery again, Kelly is sent in to "deal" with Maria. Cutthroat is convinced that she's "committed to defending mediocrity" and leaves Maria to her talentless, uninspiring life.

On the other side of taste, girls like Nastasia and Brittany are satisfied with their new looks. Destiny however, doesn't dig her short cut because she doesn't want to "look like a lesbian". Forget those Instagram pictures of her sucking another girl's face like a crazed leech, she's straight dammit! After some getting used to, Destiny is content with her hair.

After the makeovers are finished, the girls take part in a Bigfoot sighting. Or some giant wildebeest with a...

Tyra Fail!

"As a model, your body of work is essential to who you are. Be ready to expose it. Love, Tyra."

Back in the house, Kiara is annoyed with Darian being "loud as f*** at 2 AM." She sends up Allyssa to shut her up but feels the wrath of Darian instead. She calls her out for being "fake" and dissing her behind her back; which creates a fight where the two verify their bitchiness. The whole situation is confusing to Victoria; who doesn't understand how a conversation can be made up of sentences strung together by curses and bad grammar. Nevertheless, Kiara continues to passionately argue about her status as an authentic canine

Eleven Shades of Grey

The girls are taken to a beautiful garden where Johnny Wujek tells them that this photoshoot will be a nude shoot. However, they will not be alone. The models will be paired up with the young new judge; because we all know how much Tyra loves to rob cradles.

Most of the girls fawn over Rob Evans but Maria is not having it. Victoria thinks that she's "not as passionate" about this competition and her suspicions are confirmed when she calls Kelly a C*ntrone. Scandalous.During the shoot, Johnny was impressed by Brittany's transformation into a "chic young woman". He also liked Laura, thinking that she "crushed it". Considering that half of the screen was blurred out, I was worried about Rob's tender areas getting deflated by a sharp pump...

Balls of Heel

Luckily for Tyra, his privates are still functioning during Allyssa's "intense" shoot. Johnny calls her "sexy and connected" to Robby. He was also feeling Leila's shoot, admitting that she was "really, really impressive". Darian, on the other hand, was "a little unsure" throughout the shoot. Johnny thought that she had no sparks with Rob.

But ultimately, Maria has no chemistry with this whole competition. When Johnny asks about her reservations to doing the shoot, Maria contemplates whether she want's to remain on the show. She confesses that she "is doubting her passion" and this nude shoot caused her revelation. In short, she believes that modelling "isn't for her" and leaves; becoming the latest causality of the oh-so famous...

Tits or GTFO

When Maria leaves to go play Strip Scrabble or whatever it is Harvard simpletons do, the other girls are elated. They all agreed that she didn't "deserve" to stay and Kristin is happy that it's "one less girl to take down".

Back in the shoot, Kristin "took too long" to get the perfect photo. Victoria, on the other hand, "finally came through" during her shoot. Johnny called her "amazing" and noted her incredible transformation on film.

During the shoot, Yvonne had trouble "using her angles". Much to the dismay of Rob, Kiara didn't "push it" during their shoot. Despite her pre-shoot jitters about looking too masculine, Rob and Destiny worked really well together. I guess after that string of bad performances, Rob's should consider a life of butt piracy...

Jack (his) Sparrow

While Johnny and Rob go off to have a photoshoot of their own, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

"Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 10 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model."

Darian, Destiny, and Victoria are all nervous about the upcoming elimination. Destiny and Darian cry it out together but Victoria opts for a phone call with her mother. Again.

Victoria asks Mommy Henley for some advice for this stressful time. She gives some maternal advice and sends her daughter into a sobbing Jewish fit. Everytime Victoria enters that phonebooth, it's like a dramatic interpretation of the last scene in Yentl. 

Mama, Can You Hear Me? 

After some "words of encouragement", Victoria is prepared for panel.

PANEL"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans (AND HE'S ALL MINE, BITCHES!). Then, we have our social media correspondent/part-time aardvark, Bryanboy."

"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Laura: Kelly isn't a fan of the hand but Robetius thinks that she looks like a "Greek goddess held by a Greek god". He gives her a 10 but the women settle on 8's.



Darian: The judges don't like the "rugged disconnection" and give her an array of 4, 5, and 7. The fans think that "she has no eyeballs" and considering that she had no attraction to Rob, I wouldn't be surprised if an eye scalping was Tyra's punishment for Darian...



Kiara: ​Tyra likes that she "defied the athletic odds" and awards her a 9. Rob and Kelly are less impressed, giving her a 4 and 7.



Victoria: The judges love it (two 9's and a 10) and Tyra gives her "2 snaps in a circle". For all the white fans out there, that means it's fierce.



Brittany: Kelly thinks that she's "slamming sexy" and the judges agree, giving her two 10's and a 9. She was really loved by the public as a "surprise hit".



Destiny: Tyra sees "fear" in her eyes and gives her a 6. Rob encourages her and, along with Kelly, gives her a 7. The fans thought that she had "the best chemistry".



Kristin: Rob thought that she was "hard to work with" and gives her a 6. Tyra and Kelly like the "right type of tension" and score it a 7and 8.



Leila: The judges call her the "most high fashion" and award her a 7, 9, and 10.



Yvonne: Kelly doesn't appreciate the "bad proportions" and gives her a 4. Tyra loves that she "branded her ass" and, along with Rob, gives her a 6.



Nastasia: Rob thinks it's "ferocious" and gifts her a 9. Tyra and Kelly decide on 6 and 7 because they wanted "more elongation".



Allyssa: Kelly thinks that she can "sell anything" and gives her an 8. Tyra and Rob love the Megan Fox resemblance and give her a 10 and 9.

"Now the judges and I will tally up the scores and decide which one of you will be eliminated."

"Eleven beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have ten photos in my hands. And these ten photos represent the ten girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and picture is..."

VICTORIA (34.2)

BRITTANY (33.9)
ALLYSSA (32.9)
LEILA (33.2)
LAURA (32.0)
NASTASIA (28.1)
KRISTIN (27.9)
DESTINY (25.1)
KIARA (24.1)"Will Yvonne and Darian please step forward? This was a very close race. With a score of 20.8 to 20.8, the fan's vote will make the difference. With a fan vote of 4.81 to 4.79..."

YVONNEBut wait! Stop the presses! Tyra announces the twist to the girls. She inspires Darian by promising her a "chance to comeback" and brings the girl to her knees. Knowing the real reason why Rob was hired, Darian takes his lead and does whatever it takes to ensure her return... 



And in the next four weeks, we will see if Darian's lip service will do her any good.

Next week, the girls get down with the swirl during an acting challenge with Tyler Perry. Then, colors collide when Kristin and Destiny fight. It'll be a good one!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

BINTM c8 episode 8: Don't Drop The Soap

Previously on Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, the girls posed in the busy London streets. After the passerby deemed Emma the best, she was rewarded with a shopping spree in Carnaby Street. During a Company shoot with Rizzle Kicks, Lisa and Roxanne made beautiful harmonies with the duo. Even though Madeleine hit a few sour notes with the cresendudes, it was Kellie who sung her swan song. Now, only eight girl remain. Who will become Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model?

After the initial shock of Kellie’s elimination, the girls are now becoming more competitive than ever. Madeleine is “feeling lost” because she thought she was “improving”. The other girls don’t care because she “isolates” herself from the pack.

The next morning, the girls are treated to a rich breakfast. Mid-digestion, the Tresemee make-up artists come in and announce a catwalk challenge where they will be walking alongside “real models”.

Puddles in All the Right Places

The girls are met by Terry Hart, who tells them that the premise of this runway show is to walk on water. Basically, just think of Aly & AJ’s hit single if they were drunk, stoned, and severely roofied by Julian McDonald.

Despite their backstage jitters, the girls are really happy to work “like professional models”. One-by-one, Terry gives the girls feedback during rehearsals. 

Most of the girls were “graceful” during their first walk but Anita and Letitia were “petrified” of the catwalk. But the worst of the day was definitely Risikat…

Poor Risikat. Whoever orchestrated this fashion show must of specifically had Tyson’s Halle Berry-fetish in mind. By giving her a white Storm wig and making the runway slippery, Risikat ended up in verycompromising positions that are sure to please Mr. Beckford. 

XXX-Men

But still, she thinks that she “did brilliantly”.

Right before the show, Julian and Whitney show up to give them some words of encouragement. 

All throughout the show, the girls were nervous and excited about working as real models. Risikat and Jennifer managed to cover up their slips and in the end, Terry announces that the winner is LISA!

Back in the house, the girls get another E-Mail.

“Tomorrow things will get steamy. Hopefully, you can get the spin. Love, Elle.”

The girls guess a nude shoot but Roxanne is not looking forward to showcasing her post-birth body.

Adam & Weave

The girls arrive at a laundry and are met by Paul Sculfor, who is a prestigious male model. He tells them that they will be shooting a nude shoot in this laundry but instead of being nude themselves, three male models will. Because everyone knows that you can’t get cleaned without a good dose of…

Detergents

Other than the giant elephant in the room, the challenge is that every girl will be wearing the same couture gown. 

Even though she started as a “goddess”, Letitia started to break down during the shoot. 

Initially, Risikat was anxious about the male models. She didn’t touch any of them but after the photographer prompted her, she did phenomenally. 

Lisa, on the other hand, embraced the men (giggle). She stayed in control throughout the whole shoot. Madeleine also did well with the “fun” prompt.

After being told to relax, Roxanne became “much better”. Anita was “beautiful” and stayed committed to her ménage a tres the whole time. 
Jennifer tried to relax throughout the shoot but couldn’t help but laugh. After Glad You Came started playing, neither could I. Emma, on the other hand, brought extreme confidence and glamour to this tacky-ass shoot.

After the shoot, Paul tells Anita and Emma that they were the best. As a reward, the girls get to take out the male models. Once they chose Lisa to accompany them, they were off to Bunga Bunga. 

During the dinner, Anita and the male model, Mark, started heavily flirting. Lisa and her innocent mind thought nothing of it when they both left to “go to the toilet” but we all know better. By the end of the night, Anita refused to leave the club, having too much fun humping things. Because really: it may or may not have a penis, it may or may not have a pulse, but if she can wrap her legs around it; Anita’s having herself a good time. 

Light Saber Vibrator

After their wild night, the girls get ready for the next elimination.

PANEL

Joining the judges this week is legendary male model Paul Sculfor.



Lisa: Her eyes exude “confidence”. She has “sophistication” and isn’t fazed by the male models.



Letitia: She was “self-conscious” in the beginning but is “gorgeous”.



Madeleine: Whitney doesn’t like the “cheesy smile” in the photo and Elle agrees, calling it “flat”.



Jennifer: Julian thinks that she was “bored as hell” during the runway show. Julian thinks that she “feel flat” and Elle agrees.



Emma: Paul thinks that she’s “absolutely stunning” and Elle connects with her.



Roxanne: Tyson thinks that she’s worried about “back home” and Whitney agrees, calling her “strained”.



Anita: She’s really “confident” and impresses the judges. Whitney notes her “improvement” as a model.



Risikat: Julian thinks that she’s “fun and sexy”. Whitney and Elle disagree, not liking the dress.

“Now we will decide which one of you will be leaving us today.”

Paul doesn’t like the simplicity of Lisa’s picture but Elle disagrees. However, they are in consensus about Jennifer, calling it a weak photo. Whitney says that she was “never impressed” by Madeleine by Tyson doesn’t think this elimination-worthy.

Julian thinks that Letitia is a “jolly tease”. Paul doesn’t like Emma in person but Julian notes her transformation in pictures. Elle loves Roxanne because she is “unpredictable” and Julian calls Anita’s picture “wet”. Whitney thinks that Risikat’s picture is “fake” and Tyson agrees, not knowing if she can last.

“I have 8 beautiful models before me, but I only have 7 photos in my hands. And these photos represent the eight girls who are still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. The first name I call is the girl who has received best picture…”

EMMA

ANITA
LISA
ROXANNE
LETITIA
RISIKAT

“Will Madeleine and Jennifer please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands and this photo represent the girl who is still in the running toward becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. So, who is that girl?”

MADELEINE

Even though she is upset about leaving, Jennifer is very grateful for the experience.

Next week, the girls will be the brides of Chuckie or something. Sounds frightening. 

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!

ANTM c19 episode 2: Waxidermy

Welcome back to the pristine gates of the America’s Next Top Model Sorority house. For those of you who are still confused about the new system; Mama Tyra breaks it down: every week, the girls will be graded in their challenge, photo, and by the public. That’s right; STD infections and calorie intake aren’t the only numbers these models are going to be counting. During every panel, the girl with the lowest calculated score will be eliminated.

While the girls get accustomed to their new home, some tell us about their lives. Kiara is the “youngest of seven children” and had to be the “mother”. But still, that doesn’t stop her from screaming like a maniac when Tyra enters the house.

She welcomes the thirteen finalists into the home and introduces them to the Tyra Suite. She informs them that the girl who receives best picture will be granted access into this room; complete with a queen-sized bed and closet space. Forget the fact that Tyra probably sneaks into it during the late hours of the night to steal the beauty of the beholder, the girls are ecstatic about the news!

The Faux-tan of Youth

Later into the day, the girls are chatting about sex and boys when Victoria announces that she’s “a virgin”. The other girls, confused about the hymen who’s never said hi to a man, immediately label her ‘weird’. Nevertheless, she is unapologetic, saying that she can receive that “type of intimacy” from her mom. Oedipus must be rolling over in his grave…
Anyway, while they are discussing Victoria’s lack of a Victor, they suddenly hear a BOOM BOOM! Is it an earthquake? A hurricane? Tyra’s ego? Luckily, it’s just a step team. They pound the floor for a few more minutes and then announce that they’re the “famous Iota Phi Theta steppers”. Who would’ve thought that stomping your feet was a profession…

Afterwards, Rob Evans emerges from the crowd. He tells the girls to pack their bags for a trip to L.A.

The Hollywood Spills

Once they arrive in California, the girls are whisked away to a club, where they are met by Jonte’. You know the bitch is classy when he has a spare punctuation mark in his name…

Anyway, Rob tells them that he is an esteemed choreographer, dancer, and singer. But let’s be real, he is mostly known by the Catholic schoolchildren he terrifies. Seriously, it’s like he’s the reincarnation of what every Italian poet has nightmares about.

Jonte’s Inferno

When he’s not roaming the Sixth Circle of Hell, Jonte works with the likes of Beyoncé (that’s Circle #3). There, he has studied the runways and will help judge the girls’ first strut down the catwalk. 

Some girls, like Destiny and Jessie, have problems walking with confidence. Leila, on the other hand, effortlessly “engaged the audience”. Of course, others took that to mean “flash all of America”. Good call, Kristin!

Victoria displayed “personality” throughout her stroll and Yvonne showcased her ‘personal parts’ when she kicked up her leg. 

Maria has an insane amount of trouble on the runway. She finds it “difficult” to let her inhibitions go because she is a “lot more mature” than the other girls…

And she has no time to waste on sexual innuendos. She zips through the catwalk and hardly engages anyone. By the end, Victoria thinks she won because of her “ground breaking performance”, but the true pavement crusher is…

YVONNE! She is given a key to the Tyra Suite when a bearded mammoth trudges up to them. P’Trique, the fair-haired manatee from before, surprises them with a…

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow’s challenge will leave you hanging. So be sure to kill the shoot. Love, Tyra.”

When they returned to the house, Destiny started pouting about having one of the worst grades. Kiara suggests that the reason why is because she looked “like a stripper” on the runway. Destiny does not take this lightly because apparently, getting called an exotic dancer brings shame to this homeless runaway teen…

She Gives Good Head

Confused about the Tyra Mail all day, the girls are unaware of this photoshoot’s location. As the car drives by, they see an array of images, which they decipher as clues. Listening to their awful guesses is usually dull but when I saw this, I knew it was gonna be a heck of a shoot.

He’s More of a ‘Breast’ Man

Scared that they would be shooting something terrible (like a Nivea ad!), the girls were pleasantly surprised when they see Johnny Wujek surrounded by game trophies. He is accompanied by Shanae Grimes, the 90210 actress, who will be shooting the girls today. Because taking ‘artistic’ photos of shoes and a bald woman are enough credentials to get booked for America’s Next Top Model.

Nastasia impresses Johnny with her eyes. Even though he name means “resurrection of the dead”, he sees “life in her expression. Even though Yvonne found it “difficult”, she ended up getting good shots.

Brittany was “random but good” with her posing. Being a “small town girl,” Laura was used to the scene. She found it “easy” to pose as a dead animal.

Johnny liked Victoria’s “uniqueness” but was turned off by her mouth. He didn’t like that she was constantly talking through the shoot but I disagree. Even when she was urging the fans to vote, the words she expelled were just pure poetry. Just like the great speakers before her (Gandhi, Maya Angelo, Ke$ha), I suddenly feel the urge to permanently mark myself with her words of wisdom.

My New Penis Tattoo

Kristin had a bit of an “attitude” during the shoot but still looked amazing throughout. Shanae thought Jessie was “cute” but needed more “focus”. She wanted a “good photo” but considering our photographer’s past work, I question Jessie’s odds.

Darian was “striking” during the shoot and so was Kiara. Leila captured an “otherworldly” vibe in her photographs. Allyssa was good and Johnny liked that she had a “Brazilian flair (and wax)”.

Maria, on the other hand, failed to impress Johnny. He spotted the “goods” in her face but was disappointed that she “didn’t use it” to her advantage.

After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail.

“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

PANEL

“Hello ladies. First, let’s talk about our new judges. First, we have the fabulous PR maven, Ms. Kelly Cutrone. Then, we have the sexy super male model, Rob Evans. And then we have Bryanboy, our social media correspondent.”

Ok, let’s pause and discuss this insect of a man real quick. He looks like a cross between a tarantula and a praying mantis whose face has been stepped on. Seriously, for someone who supposedly runs a “fashion blog”, he dresses like a blind Amish nun going to a funeral (most likely for her good taste).


Whack Widow

But I digress. Tyra explains that the girls will receive scores from the judges and that, coupled with the fan vote and the challenge scores, will determine who gets eliminated.

“Now we all know the prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”



Yvonne: Tyra thinks that it’s reminiscent of “a bull”. She receives straight 6’s but the fans disagree, thinking that she’s “fierce”.



Kiara: Rob likes the expression in the shoot and gives it an 8. Tyra and Kelly agree on 7’s but the fans are not as impressed, calling it the “worst picture of the bunch.”



Jessie: Kelly thinks that she looks like an “actress in a horror movie” and awards her a 4. Rob and Tyra are also uninspired by her look and give her a 4 and 5.



Laura: Tyra calls it “high fashion” and Kelly agrees, loving the “intense yet blank” look. They give her two 8’s and a 9. The fans agree, deeming it “mystical and dreamy.”



Maria: Rob thinks she’s “intense” but needs to learn her angles. She receives a 5 and two 6’s.



Leila: Rob “believes” the moment and Kelly thinks it “super high fashion”. A fan with a Popsicle calls it “head and shoulders above the rest” and prompts Tyra to pantomime what she does to Rob backstage. Ick…



Darian: Tyra thinks that she “oversmized” and gives her a 6. Kelly and Rob stick with 5’s.



Brittany: She receives a lukewarm response from the judges (9/7/6) but is called “arrogant” by the fans.



Kristin: Kelly calls it “animalistic” and gives her a 9. Tyra and Rob are on board, gifting her an 8 and 7.



Allyssa: Tyra likes the “dead intensity” and gives her a 9. Rob and Kelly are less hesitant, awarding her a 6 and 5.



Victoria: Rob thinks it’s “too intense” and gives her a 6. Kelly dawns her a 5 but Tyra is into it, deeming it an 8. The fans love her, calling her “confident”.



Nastasia: Kelly likes that she “stands out” and gave her a 7. Tyra and Rob are in sync with their 8’s.



Destiny: Both the fans and judges agree, Destiny doesn’t “scream model”. She received a 5 from Rob and twin 6’s from Kelly and Tyra.

“Now the judges and I will calculate your scores and determine which one of you will be eliminated.”

“Thirteen beautiful young ladies stand before me. But I only have twelve photos in my hands. And these twelve photos represent the twelve of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and thus, the best photo this week is…”

LEILA (40.4)

NASTASIA (36.6)
BRITTANY (36.3)
LAURA (36.0)
KRISTIN (34.7)
KIARA (34.3)
YVONNE (33.8)
ALLYSSA (32.1)
VICTORIA (31.2)
DARIAN (28.9)
MARIA (28.1)

“Will Destiny and Jessie please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 26.9 to 22.7, that girl is…”

DESTINY 

Even though she really wanted to be there, Jessie is “content” with her journey.

But first (shoutout to Julie Chen!), there’s a special Comeback Series. Bryanboy explains that the first six eliminees will be battling for a chance to return to the competition. Wow.

Next week, the girls may (or may not) get makeovers. In an attempt to cloak the show’s waning budget, she is allowing the girls to choose whether or not they want a makeover. Plus, there’s a heated discussion about the authenticity of Kiara’s bitchiness. You won’t want to miss it!

Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and I’ll see you next week!